I was raped… I’m not going to deny it anymore. I was 17 at the time exactly 2 months before my 18th birthday. One of the ‘big’ birthdays as people say. Anyways, me and my friend was going to meet my cousin at the pub round the corner from me because he was bored waiting for the DJ to finish he’s shift, so we went. We had a bit to drink and got a bit drunk then it was closing time there which means the DJ finished he’s shift. Me and my friend was going to go back to my house but my cousin asked us if we wanted to go to another pub, so we went and we got in! We all kept on drinking and we was all having fun. We all left then we realise the time. It was 5:00am. My door had been locked so my and my friend had no where to go. So my cousin said we could stop at the DJ’s house with them so we did. My cousin and my friend were in a relationship so they slept in the same bed together. The DJ said I could sleep in his bed and he could sleep on the sofa and that’s what happened. Until I woke up and he was on top of me having sex with me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t speak, I was frozen. So I pretended to still be asleep. He finally got off of me after about 20 minutes to go to the toilet. I automatically got up and ran into the other room and woke my friend up. She could tell I was upset. I told her we had to go back to my house. This was about 9:30am and my cousin was just clueless. We finally left and as soon as I got onto the street I just broke down. My friend still didn’t know what was wrong, so we carried on walking a bit and I finally told her. We got back to my house, my mum being livid of course, and she told my mum after me telling her not too. So my mum rang the police and we went through all the legal procedures and then after everything, after me thinking this guy is going to get what he deserves, the police say “there are no further actions being held” which meant the DJ got away with it.
I’m not over it. I don’t think I ever will be however I read this saying ‘forgive and forget’ and I realised I could never forget. I can forgive though. It wont be easy but I can. I just don’t know how too just yet. You will never forget what happens, I can say that first hand. However you can make sure it doesn’t ruin your life.
Ever since I got sexually assaulted I haven’t known what to do, how to feel, how to treat people, as well as how to treat myself. You stop knowing how to do things when and after it happens, and at the time you think it is your fault. Remember it’s not your fault, it never was and never will be. The predator that did it to you is in the wrong!
I haven’t seen my rapist since it happened and that’s with the person who did it to me living round the corner from me. I am petrified to see the person who destroyed for the first time since it happened but I can handle it. Do you know why I will be able to handle it? I will be able to handle it because I survived what happened in the first place and so did you! If you ever saw the predator that hurt you, you shouldn’t be scared I know you will be but you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t because he/she can no longer hurt you so if anything it should give you relief because he/she cannot hurt you as much as they already have.
I can guess how your feeling. Your feeling ashamed, violated, even disgusting. I know, it happened to me remember. You don’t have to feel that way, I know you do but you don’t have too. Your conscience is telling you all these things but you can change that by looking further and seeing you beat this. You are still here, alive, hopefully well, and is reading this right now.
I never had the courage to deal with what happened to me until I was working, I was speaking to this child who was younger than me and she went through the same thing. The child didn’t know that it happened to me which made it harder as she didn’t think I understood. However I did. Whilst I was helping her try get though it I was going through it myself as it was only a couple of months before that it did happen to me. I explained to her what happened to me and it gave me a bit of closure speaking out it to someone who understood, and the child felt the same way. I realised at that point that I couldn’t let this predator ruin my life because I looked at her and I saw her pain and all I saw in the child’s eyes was my pain and guilt of what happened to me. People say Rape happens to young girls because they are dressed provocatively so because they asked for it. You can wear what ever you like because at the end of the day clothes shouldn’t automatically make people assume what they want too. If you feel comfortable wearing what you want then wear it, don’t let anyone stop you! Just like some predators say that you consented to it when you was drunk or drugged up. If you are not able to remember or you are under the influence and you physically cannot say “yes” or “no”, that is also rape! This is the best excuse out there I think… “They wanted it, I know because they didn’t struggle”. How does that make sense? what if they physically cannot move because she/he is pinned down and couldn’t do anything about it! None of these things are fair and I am very sorry if any of these excuses came up with you. I’m just trying to explain that the only way you are not being raped is if you Consent!
I feel like I need to get this out in the open because if I don’t nobody else would have the courage too either. We all deserve to speak up about what happened to us. People may see us and some may even belittle us, but at least we will know that we are so much stronger and so much braver for doing so. We shouldn’t we scared to reach out and get our story out because we beat it and we got through it so in my eyes we’re so much more stronger than we think. You might not think it now, but we are. Especially you who is reading this because you could have never had the chance too!