My story

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An Oldie but a Goodie…………….. 

This has been a long time coming and I have started this story so many times, but never followed through to the end. I am going to do my best to see this one through. I hope it helps you and heals me! This is my story…. 

As of today, I am a 54 year old single mom with 3 amazing children! I grew up in the City of Boston with my Mom, Grandfather and brother. My Dad had passed away of a heart attack when my brother was 2 and my Mom was 6 months pregnant with me. I don’t think any children were loved more than my brother and I were. Well, maybe my children, but I learned from the best! We were a church going, Irish Catholic family that were strong willed, stubborn and tough! Well, we pretended to be anyway. When good and bad things happened, we had to trust that God had a greater purpose, everything happens for a reason and God isn’t going to give you anything you can’t handle. Along with that belief there was the inability to discuss traumatic events, especially of a sexual nature. It was never that they didn’t want to help you, it was more of seeing the devastation they felt because something happened to you and they didn’t /couldn’t stop it. Therefore, you did not want to bring it up and if you didn’t talk about it, it didn’t happen. Like I said, we were tough and were not going to let someone else’s actions get the better of us. I do not blame them that is just how things were back then. Society was not as emotionally evolved as we are today. Right or Wrong by today’s standards doesn’t matter. I feel everyone has their own history of events that shape how they view or handle things and being open to that idea has prevented me from building up negative emotions and resentment that only decays my inner peace. Parents are not perfect and just because my Mom didn’t know how to deal with it doesn’t mean she did not love me. She just didn’t have the skills. 

As a result of my own personal upbringing and what happened to me, I found a comfortable place to put my story in my mind. You see, I decided that certain moments in time where not going to define me or my life. I came to the conclusion that the reason it happened to me was so that I WOULD HAVE the experience and knowledge so I could help someone else get through it! It was almost blessing because I did have the strength to get through it that others might not, so that was its purpose and that was the good that was going to come out of it! Doesn’t that sound like a perfect resolution. Don’t let me fool you, I do have what I like to call my “ fuckedupisms” as a result! But, I do hold on to that and it has happened. Unfortunately, I never thought it would be my own daughters! First my oldest, than her little sister. How heartbreaking it was for all of us! The only thing I could do was to pull from my own experiences and provide a safe open place to talk, filter through emotions and listen. I was not perfect, but this was a different place for me. I wanted to do it right and ensure that the least amount of scarring would result. This was now her events that will shape her life and I had to give her the things that my Mom couldn’t give me, openness! It is a lifelong journey that she will have with these experiences just like every other, but she has chosen to reach out and become an active member of “The Voice for the Innocent”. This is such an amazing resource for all victims to get the support and acceptance we need! There was no such organization when I was growing up. Perhaps if there was the awareness that exists today and if people did not feel the shame that some how attaches itself to the life changing violation that was cast onto us, we would not have had to heal alone. You are not alone, and I can almost guaranty that many of our parents have experienced it as well, but in order to survive, have tucked it away and refused to look at it. Although my kids know what happened to me, I am going to share it now in attempts to heal the parts of me that are still wounded. 

My Story……. 

As a child, I physically matured at a very young age. I had many issues with it both physically and mentally. I was 9 years old and had the body of a 15-16 year old. On top of that I was very heavy. So, I was a fat kid with 

boobs and my period. My mother ( as that generation did ) relied on the doctors and trusted them unconditionally. I had ovarian cysts, intense menstrual cramps (Advil and ibuprofen were not available over the counter – ya I am old..lol) and heavy periods. She would have to bring me to get medicine and address these issues. 

Well, one of the visits I was in the office and for some reason my mother was not in there with me. The doctor looked at me and with a mirror in his hand asked me, “Do you like boys?” I was confused by the questions because I was only 10 years old and hadn’t really thought much about it. I said yes?? He turned the mirror in front of my face and said “what boy do you think would ever like someone that looks like that?” I honestly didn’t realize I was fat at that time so I didn’t know what he meant but just did what he said. He told my mother I needed to get the weight off of me and gave her a script for me to take. About a week later, my mother called him because I wasn’t sleeping and was very hyper. He had given me Black Beauties, which were speed. He said ok, just give them to her the first week of each month. Until this day, I have no clue why. Anyway, over the next year I lost over 70 lbs. 

Now I still had to see him about my medical issues. At age 12, I had a medical procedure called a D and C. It was to clean out my “woman parts” to help with the cysts and terrible pain I would be in. After one of the surgeries, he suggested to my mother that we go with him to the sauna/steam room place he goes. He said it would be good to relax muscles that were healing, so we went. I know, sounds so sketchy nowadays, but this was back when anyone is a place of authority was never questioned and trusted 100%. He even picked up us to go there. 

I vaguely remember that there were stalls that locked where you would change your clothes, and each had it’s own individual door to a private room. The doctor went into his own and Ma and I went into ours. We peeked inside and there was just a table to sit on a shower on the other side. Ma was quite a bit overweight and a very modest person. The towel didn’t really fit around her well. She asked if I was ok going in by myself. I thought sure what the heck. I went inside and jumped up on the table. There was a timer that would go off when my time was up. 

Within a couple of minutes, I heard a door open. Apparently there was one that connected the rooms. It was the doctor asking how we were doing. He peeked in and said where’s your mother. I told him she wasn’t coming in. At that point, he opened the door and said “oh, come on in here” I was very nervous and didn’t want to go. He jumped up on the table and undid his towel exposing himself to me. I just stood there holding on to my towel as tight as I could with my head down. I was frozen. He said relax honey, it’s ok. You can take your towel off. I continued to just stand there. He went on to tell me it was all natural just part of the human body and there was no way I was ever going to learn about it because I didn’t have a father. I just remember him telling me to come closer and to touch him so I would know what it felt like. He also convinced me to take my towel off because he has seen me since I was a little girl. The next thing I remember is the shower. Him standing behind me grabbing and holding onto my hair. I was crying and let out a scream. It must have been sound proof rooms because Ma didn’t come get me. I finally got loose and ran out to Ma just sitting there with no idea what was going on in there. She grabbed me, held me for a quick second and got me to get my clothes on as quick as possible. We ran to a lady at a desk and my mother screamed – “get us a cab – now” 

The next thing I remember, we were in the cab (taxi for non-Bostonians). I was still wet because I didn’t even dry off. We just ran out and Ma held me all the way home. We really didn’t talk about it at all, but I remember Ma talking to a couple of people and hearing her say, “Well, I guess I would have to be ready to put her through it and be aware that the newspapers would probably get a hold of the story as well because he was 

very well known”. I know she was distraught and I just had no clue what to do with it. So, I just locked it away for many years and found my own way to deal with it. 

When I tell this story, I have detatched myself from it so much, it often feels like it happened to someone else or it was just a really bad dream. Now that I am an adult and have children of my own, I realize what a predator he was, how he actually set me up and violated a trust while damaging a soul. What happened to my daughters immediately made me want to go out and hunt them down! However, it took so much longer for me to feel anger towards the doctor. A few years ago, while sitting at my desk a customer called with his same last name. I suddenly felt so sick to my stomach and felt this rage build up so quickly, I had to go for a walk. When I got back to my desk, I started googling him. Although it has been way too long to press charges, I wanted to just show up at his house and say “LOOK YOU MOTHER F**KER – YOU MIGHT THINK YOU GOT AWAY WITH SOMETHING, BUT YOU DIDN’T! I REMEMBER WHAT YOU DID AND I TRULY HOPE LIFE HAS GIVEN YOU ALL THE PAIN YOU DESERVE. I AM SURE YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE PROUD OF YOU AS WELL AS YOUR WIFE AND CHILDREN!” I was ready. I was strong enough and I was going to do it! Ugh…. He was dead! What a bummer! Well, not for the world, but for me. I contemplated writing a letter to his family to tell them what a scumbag he was, but I just don’t have that in me. I can only hope that they are GOOD people and remember that life has both great and shitty things that happen. This one moment/event in my life does need healing but it does not have to own my entire existence. However, don’t be surprised if you hear about a middle age woman getting arrested for pissing on a grave. 

Thank you for letting me share. xoxo



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14 comments

  1. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello angelmom,

    Wow, what a powerful story. Thank you so much for coming here to share it with us today. I’m glad you found this website! You have a great story telling ability and I feel that your story could help others. Like you said, I hope it heals you as well! That must have been a challenging experience.

    I’m so sorry to hear about the abuse that you went through, especially when it comes from someone you’re supposed to trust. After all, moms raised all of us to trust medical professionals. That must have been really hard to deal with. Thank you for being so open with us. That must have been hard to lock that away for so many years as well. I know that feeling of seeing his name pop up on the screen was also difficult, but you handled it very well. You seem to have great coping strategies. After hearing your story, I won’t be surprised if I hear that in the news just please don’t get in too much trouble!

    Also, please be sure to come back anytime, you’re always welcome here!

  2. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Angel

    I am glad you found us and were willing to share your story. You didn’t deserve to have what happened to you happen. Its okay how you feel about it and how long it was ago. I am sorry he was never charged or punished for the crime he committed. Please continue to write to us as often you want. You are so brave for share story with us. We all here for you!

  3. mocha1821 Volunteer

    Hi angelmom,

    I’m glad you found us and were willing to share your story with us. You absolutely did not deserve to have what happened to you happen to you. It’s okay to feel how you feel about what happened, no matter how long ago it was. I’m sorry he was never punished for his actions. I’m glad that life seems to have been kinder to you now and you’ve got your daughters. Please write to us as often as you want.

    You are so brave for sharing your story with us. We are all here for you!

  4. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there, angelmom,

    I’m very glad you found us and were willing to share your story with us! You’re incredibly brave for doing so. You didn’t deserve to be hurt by someone who you trusted, especially at such a young age, and neither did your daughters. It’s never too late to start seeing a counselor or a therapist to work through these experiences and that hurt you’ve felt. Have you also thought about writing a letter but not sending it? This might help you feel the satisfaction of confronting your abuser and his family without actually having to cope with the fallout of actually contacting his family. You could also do this towards the people who hurt your daughters. Writing is very helpful for me, personally. Everyone is different, so you might find something else that helps! We have a lot of resources on self-care and where to find therapists in our “Find Help” section. And you can always come back when you want to share.

    Sending you lots of positivity! There are good people out there 🙂

  5. Sammie101 Volunteer

    Hello angelmom,

    I’m glad to hear about your wonderful kids and family now, and that life has begun to treat you better. Even though it was long ago, know that it’s okay to still feel how you feel about it and I wish that something had happened to that horrendous doctor. What he did was wrong on all levels, and I am so sorry that nothing was ever done about him. He definitely deserved to be punished for the trauma he put you through. You seem like a strong and good soul though, and I am very proud of you pushing through and coming out on the other side.

    We are all here for you.

    Much love.

  6. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey angelmom,

    Thank you so much for coming to share. I know that traumatic events from a long time ago leaves a weird detachment feeling, so thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry for what happened to you when you were younger. You are right – he violated and abused his authority. He acted inappropriately when he was supposed to help you with medical concerns. It is interesting to think about how society has evolved since then, and I am glad that your faith helped you persist through that difficult time. It can be so difficult when someone close to you, and in your case, your children, experience the same traumas. I’m so glad that you can be supportive for them and have the openness that could have helped you out a bit more. I hope that sharing here helps you heal. If you’d ever like to share more, please come back. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  7. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear angelmom,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. What an awful and scary thing to have happen to you! I hope that being able to get it all down and share it will help you begin to heal. It sounds like your mother loved you very much and, as you said, did the best that she knew how to take care of you. It also sounds like she taught you how to take care of your children as well. Please feel free to write to us as often as you would like and let us know if we can help you in any way.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  8. MH Volunteer

    Hello angelmom,

    thank you for trusting us and for sharing your story. None of this was your fault and you have come so far. Keep doing what you’re doing- moving forward each day. You’ve got this! and remember that we are always here to support you and listen to you!

    MH

  9. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so glad that you have turned your experience into becoming a positive role model for others. Keep on spreading positivity and light everywhere you go and showing others that it dies get better. We are always here for you if you need us, or your daughters as well. Stay strong <3

    1. angelmom

      Thank you for the encouraging msg. I like the idea of shining the light. It can be so conflicting trying to live a happy life but have negative emotions that sometimes pop up when you least expect it! Thank you for what you do!

  10. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi angelmom, I am so sorry that happened to you. You would think you could trust your doctor. I am glad that you were able to write it down, and I hope that by working through your own story you will be in a better place to help your daughters. I agree that many of our parents (we are around the same age) have had experiences as well. And if they did talk at all, they never did anything to work through it. Stuff wasn’t available then, I suppose. I also hear you about now wanting to talk about it, because our folks were devastated and talking about it was hard for them. I hope we, as a society, are moving in the right direction. Thank you for sharing.

  11. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi, angelmom!
    Thank you for sharing your story. I truly appreciate your outlook on how to see this situation and are able to relate to your children. It’s horribly unfortunate that these experiences have impacted your family but it is great that your children have a parent that can understand how being in that situation feels. Allowing yourself the time and proper resources to heal is a great idea. I don’t know how your physical health is but if capable it might even be a great idea to have a bonding experience with your children. A self-defense class could be great to learn but also to assist the family with healing and protection. Keep up the incredible work!

  12. angelmom

    Thank you Erin. It was a great release. Putting it out there feels great.

  13. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming here to share. I am so sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. I hope it was helpful to share with us here, and cathartic to get it out. We are here for you, and we support you.

    Erin