My story

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

So this is my story when i was 12 i was sexually abused by my cousin until i was 18 i didnt say anything until i was about 19 all he kept say was if you don’t do it i will do it to your sister ( my sister is 5 years younger than me) so i had to do to keep her safe i was dealing with all that when i was raped at the age of 13 by a different cousin and didn’t tell anyone untill i was 16 both of them got away with it and then i some how i manage to get on with my life after awhile and when i was 21 i got in to a relationship with a men a couple of year older than me and everything was great for a couple of months and then things changed he was controlling and nasty he would hit me and i was scared but i stayed with him because i loved him and i was scared i thought he would change but i was wrong the after 6 months of being together he takes me away to Disneyland Paris for my birthday and Halloween where on Halloween he asked me to marry him i said yes ( but i didnt want to i was scared i was away from my family ) and i then thought maybe he will change so then we started to plan our wedding and book alot of things but it all had to but his way or he would hit me and we started to try for a baby and things just kept getting worse then on the 7th of March 2017 i lose my baby nephew the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with and then a couple of months later on the 26th of may he raped me ( he knew what i had been threw in the past ) i went home on the Sunday and went to my friends and broke down crying and told her everything and her said to tell him how he has made me feel so i text  him and he said im sorry i know i should have stopped then you said and early hours of Monday morning he phoned the police and tell them what he did and then the police came out on monday to see me and as soon as i gave my statement he changed his and he was charged and had to go to court where he said not guilty and now it was set to go to trail on the 13th August 2018 but 3 days before the trail the case was dropped because of his mental health it has made my life a living nightmare i cant sleep i have nightmares my depression and anxiety have gotten worse I have tried to take my own life a couple of times


Join the Conversation

21 comments

  1. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing your story, it really sounds like you have been through a lot. I’m so sorry that so many people have hurt you. People in your family are supposed to keep you safe, not hurt you. Your partner is supposed to listen to you and respect you, not harm you. I want you to know that none of this is your fault. I am so sorry that you have been struggling with your mental health. I want to encourage you to explore the possibility of seeing a therapist or counselor in your area. There are many therapists that charge on a sliding scale and are willing to work with clients so that they can afford to manage their mental health. A therapist would be able to help you unpack your traumatic experiences in a healthy and productive way, and could also show you some healthy coping mechanisms and skills for the future. Remember that you are strong and resilient, and that you have persevered in spite of all the difficulties life has thrown your way. Please feel free to come back and update us on your progress and how you are feeling. We are here yo listen and to offer support.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  2. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through. You didn’t deserve for your cousins to treat you that way, then threaten your little sister. And you didn’t deserve the way your boyfriend treated you either. They each manipulated and harmed you in ways that should never have happened.

    I hope you’re safe from them. It can be hard to cut off ties and separate our lives, especially from family, but I hope you’re safe. If you need anything from us, we are always here. We also have a lot of resources under our “Find Help” tab, including ways to contact therapists/support groups and other helpful information about different ways to travel the path of healing. Remember to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. <3

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. It's incredibly difficult to share and the strength you showed in sharing is immense. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  3. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Zara_louise_,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. That is so sick of your cousins to use your body as they did, and then threaten to hurt your little sister. Then, after everything you went through, your boyfriend tried manipulating you! I’m so sorry he treated you the way he did.

    Are you still with him? Are you safe? We have lots of resources that you can use, even if you just need to talk to a counselor face to face. I totally understand the nightmares, anxiety and depression, but I promise it will get better. There’s a light at the end of the tunnel… the tunnel might just be kinda long! Your life is worth living. Please don’t forget that.

    Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you. We support you 100%! Stay strong!

    Marissa

  4. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Zara_louise_ ,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry that these things happened to you and that our justice system failed you. You are very brave and strong and it sounds like you love your family very much. It is good to hear that you have a caring partner and that it has been a while since your last attempt. Please be sure to reach out if you are in crisis…we all want you here! Maybe something in our Find Help tab will be useful to you…everyone heals differently so there are a variety of resources. Please feel free to post to us as often as you like…you are not alone!
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Zara_louise_,
    I’m truly sorry about what you’ve been through. You don’t deserve to be treated that way by anyone, and none of it was your fault. I’m so sorry that your cousin threatened to assault your sister and that you were put into such an awful situation. I hate that your ex was so controlling and abusive – that is not okay at all. You’re so brave for reporting to the police, and I’m sorry that the case was dropped.
    You’re dealing with a lot at the moment. I can sense that you feel overwhelmed, which is completely understandable. I read the comments you posted below, and I’m glad that your husband is supporting you. If you feel comfortable, maybe you could talk to a therapist about what you’re experiencing. Talking to a professional can help you process your feelings as well as find ways to cope with how you feel.
    Thank you for confiding in us with your story. You are so strong and resilient. Please reach out if you need support and/or resources. We’ll be here to help in any way we can. Please keep fighting – your life is worth it.

  6. Zara_louise_

    Thank you all and i have seen a counsellor but it didn’t really help me and my sister don’t know and i never what her to know it’s been a year since the last time i tryed to kill myself but i know i have alot to live for even if sometimes it don’t feel like

  7. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Zara_louise_,
    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You’ve been through so many painful and traumatic events, and you don’t deserve to suffer like this. That must have been so painful to take the abuse to protect your sister, and I hope she knows just how amazing you are. I can tell how much you’re struggling and I hope that you’re able to find some help to work through this. I can’t imagine how hard it is to get through each day right now but things do get better and I truly hope that you’ll stay alive. You are needed in this world for more reasons than you know. Please stay. Like others have said, there are resources on this website for you to find help and I hope that you will. You deserve to be happy.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  8. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Zara_louise_,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. You deserve to be treated so much better. I’m glad that you are away from your ex now though because you are so much better than the way he treated you. I’m sorry that the justice system has failed you. It’s not fair. Have you considered getting a restraining order? Your case may not have made it through a conviction but it may be enough for a PPO if that would make you feel more safe (I don’t know too much about legal matters though so don’t quote me on this). Also, have you considered seeing a therapist? I really think that seeing someone would help you work through everything you’ve been through, which might help with the sleep problems and nightmares as well. If you need help finding a therapist, we have some resources on the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the page.

    Stay strong. I believe you can get through anything. Keep fighting,
    Megan

  9. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. Have you tried to see a therapist to help you through the trauma and nightmares? I am sorry the justice system has failed you in this way. Please keep safe and be strong; we are always here for you <3

  10. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, I know how incredibly hard it can be. I want you to know that absolutely none of what happens was your fault at all. text in VOICE to 741741 to be connected to a crisis counselor If you would like immediate help.
    Stay strong and keep on fighting. We believe in you.

    -Brianna

  11. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Zara_louise_,

    It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, I appreciate you reaching out. If you feel that you need immediate help, please know that you can text in VOICE to 741741 to be connected to a crisis counselor. What happened to you was awful, and you did not deserve any of that. It’s terrible that the man you were dating at the time seemed to be abusive towards you. The fact that you were able to give a statement to the police shows how strong and courageous you are. Please let us know if there’s anything that we can do to help. Take care.

  12. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Zara,

    I’m so sorry that you went through all of that. None of it was ever your fault. The justice system can be incredibly disappointing when it comes to handling sexual abuse cases. We believe you, and you’re welcome to post any time you need support. We’re here for you.

    Take care,
    Becca

  13. Graciegrace22 Volunteer

    I am so sorry you had to go through this. You are so strong for sharing this. I hope sharing it has brought a sense of relief to you. Just know nothing that happened with the case or any of this is your fault. You are a survivor.

  14. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Thank you for Sharing your story with every day but my partner is so loving and understanding and helps me alot and he always says each day you get stronger.

  15. Zara_louise_

    Thank you all i struggle with every day life but my partner is so loving and understanding and helps me alot and he always says each day you get abit strong

  16. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Zara_louise_,

    I am so sorry that you have gone through all of this. You didn’t deserve any of this. You deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. None of this is your fault. Our justice system is broken, I am so sorry they dropped your case. I am glad to read from your comment below that you are now safe. Don’t give up, you have been so brave and strong. You are not alone. We are here for you and we believe you. Please let us know what else we can do to help. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  17. colton95 Volunteer

    I am really sorry for what happened to you and I really hope that the nightmares will stop and that you will be able to heal and find someone who you truly trust and who cares about you. Stay strong and persevere!

  18. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, Zara_louise_. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You did not deserve any of it. You are incredibly strong for surviving all you went through. I’m sure it took a lot of courage to give that statement and I’m sorry the case was dropped. Our justice system is seriously flawed. You deserve more than that. Try to take it one step at a time like you said and hang in there. It will get better and you don’t have to do this alone. Is there anything we can do to help? Please let us know. We’re here for you.

  19. Zara_louise_

    Thank you both and yeah I’m safe now and i just take one step at a time

  20. Jade Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story. I understand that it can be hard to share something so personal, but you did it and that was extremely brave of you. I’m so sorry for the loss of your nephew and all the pain and abuse that you’ve endured over the course of your life. No one should ever have to go through what you went through, and you didn’t deserve any of it. I think it was brave of you to want to protect your sister, but I’m sorry you were ever even put in that position; you shouldn’t have ever had to do that because your cousins had no right to touch you in anyway that you did not want to be touched. You deserve to always be in control of your body.

    I’m glad you were able to make a police report about the abuse and rape but I’m sorry that the charges were dropped. You deserve justice and you deserve peace. I know it can be hard to push forward but you are a strong individual and you’ve already come so far. Please don’t ever give up hope. And please know that we are always here for you and you are never alone.

  21. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. You didn’t deserve any of this, and none of this was your fault. Are you safe from this person, now? Do you need anything else from us? Let us know how else we can support you-you can also text our Crisis Text Line, VOICE to 741 741. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Erin