My not so happy childhood.

My not so happy childhood.

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It all started at the age of 8. My parents where divorced, so I lived with my mother an siblings.  My mom started dating/ seeing other men . At this time he started staying over or living with us not sure. But one day I woke up for school an didn’t feel so well . My mother wasn’t home , assuming she was at work . So I asked him if I could stay home because I felt sick . He says yes an tells me to lay on my mother’s bed . So I did. Minutes later he comes in an lays next to me . As a child I seen nothing wrong with it . I then asked if I could have some chocolate because I knew my mom always had some . He says yes but that the chocolate is in his pocket an that I had to get it . So I reached my hand in his pocket an grabbed ahold of what I thought was the chocolate. I soon realized it wasn’t chocolate an that is was his penis so I let go . He looked at me pushed me back an got on top of me. He stayed there looking at me an I guess realized what he was doing was wrong an told me he was taking me to my grandmas. I was so glad he did because who knows what he would have done to me that day . I never told my mom . Years later we moved to a different state . We stayed with my aunt an he came too. My memory is a little scattered but I do remember him touching me out in the open. We where in the living room an he was sitting on the couch an I was behind him like a piggy back . He would put his arm behind him an start rubbing on me . I obviously didn’t know exactly what was going on but I did at the same time so I was scared to move thinking I would get in trouble an only loved when it started to hurt because he was rubbing so hard . We ended up moving back into our own apartment. An at night when my mom would be sleeping he would come into my room an try to touch me I was older like around 11 or 12 . So at this point I had have enough of it so I finally told my mom what he has been doing to me since I was 8. She kicked him out an told me she was sorry. But he came back I was heartbroken. She would tell me to put my bike in front of my bed room door so he wouldn’t be able to get in . I never understood why nothing was done why he was still in my house . I later found out he was  physically abusing her . I hated him an I still do . Now that my mother has passed away he has tried to get into contact with me a couple times telling me I look exactly like my mother. I couldn’t help but cry an wonder why he had done those things to me an why he feels the need to have any type of communication with me at all. I am now 26 with 4 children of my own an not a day goes by I wish I would of spoken earlier an wondering if things would have been different if my childhood would have been a little better..


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17 comments

  1. M_77

    Thank you everyone! I honestly feel better now that I have finally told one of my stories . Mainly because it’s Anonymous an I won’t feel judged or treated differently. But I have blocked him . An glad I haven’t seen him since then . But thank you everyone again ! I’m very thankful for this website for letting me get this off my chest an having you all here helping me cope with it all.

  2. Lizzi Volunteer

    Hi M_77,
    I’m so sorry for what happened to you as a child. It was wrong of him to touch you, and I wish that your mom had done more when you did find the courage to tell her. It must have been hard for her also being abused, but she still should have been there to keep you safe. It’s completely fair for you to hate him and I wonder if there’s a way for you to block him from contacting you any further. We can always ask “what if” questions but we’ll never truly know what would have happened if we had done things differently. It doesn’t sound like it would have changed much if he had that much control on your mom. I’m so happy that you have a family of your own now and I hope that you’re able to find a way to get some peace from what happened.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  3. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi M_77,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. What happened to you was unacceptable, and it’s terrible that he kept coming back into your life. Learning more about what he did sounds awful, and it’s totally understandable to feel hate towards him. It’s awful that he’s still trying to get back into your life by trying to get in contact with you. We’re here for you.

  4. Graciegrace22 Volunteer

    I am so sorry to hear what you went through and it sounds horrendous. I am hoping you are able to stay far away from him now even though he keeps trying to reach out. Just know none of what happened was your fault. You shouldn’t have had to go through this as a child. I hope you are able to grow and heal from this. I wish you all the best of luck.

  5. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi M_77,

    I’m so sorry that you went through those things. Please remember that none of it was ever your fault. You did the best you could. Coming forward and telling your mother was a very brave thing to do, regardless of when you came forward. You are so strong. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We believe you, and we’re here to support you in any way that we can as you continue on your healing journey. Please feel free to post again as needed.

    All the best,
    Becca

  6. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi M_77,

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of this and none of it is your fault. You were just a young child. Don’t be hard on yourself for not speaking out sooner. You had good reason to worry and that’s way more than any child should be expected to handle. But you did tell your mother. And that shows a lot of bravery and courage. It’s not easy, regardless of when you do it. I have no doubts that your children are lucky to have such a strong mother. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  7. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us. I am so sorry you went through such pain as a child, and am sorry to hear you are still going through this pain now. Coming forward is very difficult, so try not to be hard on yourself for not doing so sooner. The fact that you told your mother what was happening was very brave of you and you should be proud for that. Are you safe from him now? It must be very difficult to have him still trying to contact you. Please stay strong and let us know if we can do anything to help support you.

  8. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your Story. None of this is your fault and what he did was just wrong. You are a amazing person and your children are so lucky to have you as a mother. Please keep us posted we are here for you.

  9. rkr18 Volunteer

    M-77,

    Thank you for sharing your story. You were not at fault and what he did was wrong. I agree you are strong and your babies are lucky to have you as there mom. Please keep us updated and we are here for you.

    -Marie

  10. colton95 Volunteer

    No one deserves to go through what you unfortunately had to go through and I am sincerely sorry that you had to go through all those horrible things. Don’t blame yourself for what happened or think things like “maybe if I would have spoken sooner things would be better.” Absolutely none of what happened is your fault and all the blame is completely on your abuser. I hope that he will be served proper justice towards his evil actions and I hope that you will stay strong and persevere! And remember that you are an incredibly strong and amazing human being and you deserve better!

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi M_77,
    I’m so sorry this happened. You are so strong. I’m happy your mom was on your side and wanted to help you. This guy sounds horrible and I’m so sorry that you and your mom had to deal with him.
    Is there anything you would like us to help you with? Have you thought of getting a restraining order against him? Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong. If you need anything we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  12. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi M_77,

    Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. This is a safe space and we are all here for you. I’m so sorry that you had to deal with this. What your mom’s ex did to you and to your mom was wrong. Your children are lucky to have such a strong parent that will look out for them. Have you been able to block his number/ block him on social media? It might help to not worry about him contacting you. Thank you for trusting us with your story. Please come back to update us if you would like. We are always here for you.

    Stay strong,
    Tyler

  13. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that he did those things to you. You were young and you trusted him to do right by you. He took advantage of that trust. It took so much strength and courage to tell your mom, especially at a young age. That’s amazing. I’m so sorry to hear that he was abusing your mom and that you weren’t able to stay away from him long. I’m sorry that you both were affected so negatively by his actions. You’re so brave for staying away from him now and doing what’s right for your mental health. Keep out of contact with him as much as you can, if that is beneficial for you. Keep working on yourself and stay strong.

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. It isn’t easy sharing what you’ve been through. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help you. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  14. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hi M_77,

    Thank you so much for coming here and sharing your story with us. I am am so sorry to hear about the trauma you went through as a young child, but we are all here to listen to you and support you. I am sorry that a persona that was supposed to be an trusted adult in your life took advantage of that trust and abused you. You did the right thing by telling your mom. I’m so sorry the hear that that was only a temporary solution. Abusive people like that are often master manipulators who will abuse and hurt as many people as they want in order for them to get what they want. I’m sorry that your mother and you were on the other side of his awful actions. I think it is great that you are now a man yourself, and I know that those kids will be loved and protected while you watch over them.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  15. Solongago

    I am really sorry that this scumball did that stuff to you. I am also sorry about your mom. I am sorry that she is dead and can’t be a mother to you at a time when you have four young children and could probably use a mom for support, etc. I am sorry that she put him ahead of you, and did not protect you. I am sorry that it is so hard to see clearly and to feel and heal from what she did, because she has passed away, and it is taboo to speak ill of the dead.

    We, most of us, have mother-problems. It seems that those who are attacked by their fathers or step fathers, have as much if not more anger at their mothers. Those of us attacked by our siblings, think our mother should have known, or our mother set us up, even if we lived with our father the whole time too. Dads are supposed to go to work, fix stuff, protect the property from intruders. Moms are supposed to know what is going on, and protect her children like a momma-bear. Its all mixed up and confusing because we love our mothers too. And we can understand them at some level. I expect it makes it even harder when your mom is gone. So I am really sorry about that.

    By taking the bull by the horns, you are ensuring that your children will not have the same history. I am not saying that someone won’t get to them. I hope not. But when we take the effort to heal from this, we can set up an environment for our kids that makes them less vulnerable to attack, and more open to talking about it if something does happen. And a lot of the damage that we carry with us is from the years of silence, secrecy, altered thinking to survive. I think it is awesome that you have been able to tell your story and have such a good handle on it. You are a very strong person and should be proud of your achievements.

    My mom has a history with this stuff, and she told me that she expected her father to come calling one day, and she was going to throw him down the stairs. We found out that he had died, so she never got to do that. But evenso, what you are feeling about this guy trying to worm his way back into your life is correct. It is ok to hate him. Perhaps it is a mechanism in your momma-bear intinct, that is triggered so to keep your children safe from him. Or maybe to keep you safe. This guy preys on vulnerable women, like your mom, and like you were when you were a young child. You are a strong woman now and could throw his arse down the stairs if he comes close enough.

    For everything there is a season. The anger and the hatred is useful now because you have to keep yourself and your children safe. Down the line, I hope you can come to a place where he no longer affects you as potently, and you can have peace. I think you are awesome for making a life for yourself, with a bunch of kids. Enjoy them, love them, give them everything you would have loved to have had, and enjoy watching them enjoy those things. Things being things or experiences or hugs or communication.

    Thank you for your story. I am hoping that you experience life to the fullest in spite of what this jerk did.

  16. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi M_77,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m really sorry this man abused you like that. You didn’t do anything to deserve it, and I hope you know that. I really think that the only reason he did those things to you was because he’s a monster, and he wanted to control everyone around him as much as he could. It’s sick that he preyed on you and your mom like that, but it sounds like you’re an amazing and protective parent to your kids. Just because you didn’t speak up doesn’t mean that anything was your fault. It’s easy to look back on things and see what could have been changed, but I just hope you don’t beat yourself up too much over it. You’re so much stronger than you could ever know. We support you 100%! Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything else. We’re here for you!!

    Marissa

  17. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear M_77,
    I am so sorry that this happened to you and that it changed your childhood. Being a child and not knowing/understanding why your parent chooses their partner over you is such a sad and scary situation to be in…and finding out later that your parent was also being abused gives you some understanding, but doesn’t really make it better. It is easy to get stuck on the “what-ifs”, but they aren’t really healthy. The past happened, there was nothing that you could have done differently. It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were a child and they were adults who were supposed to take care of you and keep you safe. I am sure your mom was doing the best that she knew how to do to take care of you, your siblings, and herself at the time.
    You have no obligation to this man and chances are, he would only bring more hurt (especially when he comments about how much you look like your mother). You have to take care of yourself and your children, and sometimes that means blocking people from having contact.
    We are here for you whenever you feel the need to reach out. You are not alone.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie