My Grandpa Touched Me

My Grandpa Touched Me

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I haven’t written about this yet because, to this day, it hasn’t really affected me. Maybe I’m in denial, maybe I don’t want to face reality, or maybe I’m just scared of how traumatizing this situation could really be to a child.

I was 6 years old when it happened. I was at my grandfather’s house (my mom’s dad). He was sitting on the couch and I was in his lap. I remember him touching my vagina through the outside of my pants. I was frozen. I knew what he was doing felt wrong but I didn’t say anything. It felt like the touching was never gonna end, but, in reality, probably only went on for a few minutes.

I don’t know where my mom was while he was doing this. We were visiting him so she had to be around somewhere, but all I can remember is his sinewy hand playing with my parts.

I decided to finally tell this story because another member on here was also molested once by her grandpa (on her mom’s side too). Like me, she was unmoved by the situation.

What do you guys think? Am I right to not have feelings about this? I mean, I’ve always disliked by grandpa for what he did but it’s not like I get flashbacks or nightmares about it.

Anyway, thanks for reading my story. Maybe you guys have gone through something similar. If you have, I’m so sorry, but at least we’re not alone.


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25 comments

  1. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Hi Zelda,

    I’m sorry you had to go through this at such a young age, having your trust broken by a family member is a hard thing to handle. As for you thoughts and opinion it’s yours and don’t let anyone tell you anything else. You have the right to feel how ever you want to. Know that if you need anything from us we will be here for you always.

    -Brianna

  2. Jess Volunteer

    I’m sorry that your grandpa took advantage of your trust. Like others have said, there isn’t a right or wrong way to react to our situations. Events affect every single person differently, even if it is a very similar situation. therefore, your reaction isn’t wrong – it’s just yours.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s hard to share, especially when we feel like our reactions aren’t correct in some way. I’m glad that you shared this story, because I’m sure other people have been through very similar situations, unfortunately, and may even feel the same way you do. Thank you for having the strength and bravery to share with us. If you need anything at all, please feel free to let us know. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  3. Jevati Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    Thank you for trust us with this part of your story. Like others have said, there’s not a “right” or “wrong” way to react to something like this. Abuse is wrong, even if it doesn’t lead to flashbacks or nightmares. It’s okay to not have feelings about this, or for this to not overtly affect you like it might for someone else. Every person is different, and we all react to different things in different ways.

    I feel like it’s very kind of you to share this to help people know that they’re not alone. It is so validating to know that other people have been through things, and that it’s okay for us to feel the way we feel.

    – Jev

  4. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear zelda,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I am sorry that this happened to you. It was very wrong of your grandfather take advantage of your age, innocence, and relationship to touch you inappropriately. I don’t think that there is a right or wrong way to feel or be affected by this type of experience. Sadly, traumatic experiences affect everyone differently and that is why recovery and healing can be so difficult. I hope that sharing here and receiving validation will help you on your journey to healing.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  5. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi zelda,

    I am glad you decided to share this story with us! I know it isn’t always easy! I am sorry that this happened when you were so young, especially from a family member who you are suppose to trust. You most definitely are not alone. Trauma like this effects everyone differently. And different events can also have different effects. I don’t think there is anything wrong with the way you are feeling toward this situation. When it comes to something like this, it is most important how you feel toward it and your feelings here are validated.

    Always remember we are here for you! You are so so strong!! Come back and share anytime 🙂

    Sending you lots of love and support,
    -Natalie

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    I’m so sorry about what your grandfather did. What happened was wrong, and he should have protected you, not taken advantage of you. I think each person responds differently to trauma, and how you’re feeling about this is valid. There isn’t a “correct” response to trauma because we all handle it differently. Your response isn’t abnormal.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here for you, so please write back if you need help or support!

  7. Kayla Volunteer

    Zelda,

    Thank you for sharing with us. I’ve been following your posts and I know you’ve been through so much. Perhaps your emotions can only stretch so far and the feelings you have from these memories aren’t as great as others. It’s okay and everyone processes differently. There is no cookie cutter response to these things. Either way, I’m very sorry this happened to you. You knew as a child that what he was doing was wrong, so he certainly knew as an adult and father. Stay strong and continue with your healing. We are here for you.

    Sending you love,
    Kayla

  8. Shannon Volunteer

    Hey zelda,

    Thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry for what you have been through. I don’t think there is a certain way to feel trauma, I think everyone is different in their experiences and how it makes them feel. Regardless, the feelings from a traumatic experience are valid, including yours. I hope that helps. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  9. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry you experienced this at such a young age. Experiences like this can be scary and confusing when revisiting the instance and configuring your feelings and thoughts about the whole thing. There are variant reactions to such as everyone will react differently. Some may experience rage or some will feel numb. There is a spectrum of feelings; all of which are very normal. In general, what happened to you is horrible. You were put in a situation by someone who you thought you could trust and they know what they were doing was wrong. You are very strong.

    Thank you for sharing!

  10. Jordan Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us <3 Given how young you were when this happened it may be fully possible that your brain has just tried to remove yourself from the situation completely. You knew it was not right, but being that young you don't fully understand what that means either. With that being said, I think the whole situation just makes it very difficult for a child to grasp. Also, you have been through so much trauma in your life. It may also be possible that given all of the other awful things that you have had to endure, you might not think of this experience as being the worst one that you have gone through. Again, I am just speculating as this being a possibility. But since you were specifically asking our thoughts, I figured it would be okay to express this opinion. In the end, no one knows you better than yourself. Perhaps this could be something that could be addressed in counseling and a professional therapist might have a better insight for you. It was good to hear from you zelda, I hope that you will be off to a good week. Sending my love and hugs like I always do <3

    – Jordan

  11. Harton.13 Volunteer

    Thanks so much for sharing with us, zelda. You are not alone in feeling like you’re not experiencing your trauma in the “correct” way, but the truth is, everyone is affected by abuse differently. It was wrong for someone, who you are supposed to be able to trust, to take advantage of you like that and you didn’t deserve it. It can be really hard to grapple with that kind of stuff since you were too young to really understand the gravity of what was happening. You should know that whatever you’re feeling is valid and you shouldn’t feel pressure to experience your past in a particular way. If you feel like talking about it, or anything else, again, we are always here for you.

  12. Lizzi

    Hi zelda,
    Thank you so much for sharing this part of your story with us. I know it’s not easy to talk about these events, especially if you’ve been in denial about what happened. I’m sorry for what happened and it was wrong of him to touch you like that. These stories of being so young and having a family member abuse you like this… these are so hard because you were too young to know how to handle what happened although you knew it was wrong. But it was also a family member so who can you trust at that point? At that age it’s so hard to understand what is happening and what to do about it. How you handle this is completely up to you. If you don’t have feelings about it, that’s alright. If you do, that’s alright too. If it’s not something that greatly upsets you, there’s no reason to try and make it more upsetting. Whatever you’re feeling is valid and okay. You’re allowed to feel however you do.

  13. Megan Volunteer

    Hey zelda,

    I’m sorry that your grandpa did that to you; that is totally not okay. There is no right or wrong way to react to something bad happening. If you’re not really affected by it, that’s fine. If you are affected by it, that’s fine too. Like you said, it is possible that you are playing down the pain to protect yourself, but it’s hard to tell if it’s that or if you just don’t have many feelings about the situation. That’s a difficult question to answer. I think the important thing to remember is that whether you are or are not affected by it, that what you are feeling is entirely valid. As always, thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of strength to go through everything you have been through and to continue sharing your truth with the world.

    We are always here for you,
    Megan

  14. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    I’m sorry that you had this experience with your grandfather. What he did wasn’t right. It wasn’t your fault. Sometimes when we’re so young we don’t fully understand the gravity of certain situations and it doesn’t stir up the emotional response that it does later in life. Childlike innocence can be a defense and protective instinct. Whatever you feel about this incident is entirely valid. There isn’t a “right” or “wrong” way to feel. Your healing journey is entirely unique. We’re here for you. We believe you. You got this.

    All the best,
    Becca

  15. musicislove

    Hi Zelda,

    Thank you for continuing to trust us with more of your story. I’m sorry for what you’re grandfather did to you it was unfair to you and should have never happened. When it comes to emotions, there’s no right or wrong. Sometimes feelings can get blocked or it may be that you’ve suffered so much that this didn’t affect you like other events have. I just think you are so strong and brave to have gotten through everything you have, that takes so much resilience. We’re here for you whenever you want to share more.

    Delaney

  16. brodie_james Volunteer

    Hello friend,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that this happened to you; you definitely didn’t deserve for your grandpa to treat you that way. I can understand how you may be unsure about how you feel about this experience with your grandpa; we often hear about survivors who do have significant PTSD symptoms or diagnoses that struggle to manage them on a daily basis, and to not have those things be part of your lived experience of sexual abuse/assault can make us wonder if our stories count. That being said, you have every right to feel however you feel about what happened to you, just like any survivor does. Some people feel guilt or shame, and some don’t; some people are deeply effected by what happened to them, and others are able to think about their experiences and not be as effected by it. Some people experience sexual assault or abuse multiple times by the same perpetrator for an extended period of time, and others just once. No matter what makes your story unique to other people’s stories, all stories are valid in their own right, and the way that you experience this abuse is valid, too. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel about your abuse; even if they say they’d feel differently, they aren’t you!

    Thank you for being so brave in sharing your story with us, and please feel free to write us back if you need any more support or have any other questions!

    Cheers,
    Brodie

  17. Solongago

    Maybe, maybe you do not feel anything about it, because like me by six years old this was not so abnormal to you that it was outwardly frightening, so we may not have those particular symptoms of PTSD. Or, some of have had our emotional part of our memories totally shut off. So I can generally discuss what happened without any feeling whatsoever. It just is. Some of our brains have worked for (and against) us when it comes to memories and the feelings that go with them in that they let us repress them or parts of them, and then let them out when they think we are in a place where that can happen. I mean a place mentally and emotionally. Maybe when we have a strong relationship with a future spouse, or maybe when all the other stressors in life have quieted down, and we feel pretty comfortable in most areas of our life. Some of us don’t even get memories of something until that person dies, and others of us do not actually consider the impact of what happened until the death of the person.

    There are probably as many reasons or more that I did not mention. What is important is to understand that the sexual abuse of children is always negative to children. It doesn’t matter if you cooperated, or if you felt pleasure, or if you introduced other children to the behavior, or if you don’t seem to have any current effects at all. Sometimes we do not connect what happens in our life with sexual abuse. People often have patterns of finding the wrong guy to take home. There could be something in that that is related to an incident they haven’t thought of in decades. People sometimes have patterns of working for companies that pay low wages or treat people poorly. Doesn’t sound connected, but it is our self-esteem that often drives the kinds of jobs we go for, and the kind of jobs we land. And sometimes it is because we feel deep down that we deserve crappy things. And that can definitely be caused by an inappropriate behavior by someone we should have been able to trust.

    I think it is in a lot of folks minds to believe that children are not effected by stuff like this unless the adults over-react. It’s not true and it is dangerous, because there are those who want to make this kind of crap legal. It is always detrimental to children. If nothing else, it gives them the impression that that is what men want from them, or will get from them, that they cannot trust any man.

  18. tayestlack Volunteer

    Hello love, thanks for sharing your story with us. We all experience emotions and feelings differently and of course, you are not alone. We are right here to help you in any way we can. I don’t believe you are in denial, rather much stronger for maybe building a wall to keep such events from hurting you much more today. I hope you can have a lovely day and please come back if you need anything and we will do our absolute best to help you.

  19. tinayoung Volunteer

    Hello Zelda! Your feelings are just that…YOURS. No one can tell you if it is right or wrong to feel or not feel about this. Sometimes the feelings are so strong that we block them. If you start having issues with this we are here to help you get through it.

    May your days be filled with Daisies and Rainbows…

  20. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend. I am so sorry this happened to you. We all react to trauma differently . Your reaction is valid as everyone else and there is no correct way to feel. We are proud of you for sharing your story. You showed courage to share your story and please let us know if you need anything.

  21. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, I am so sorry that this happened to you. Everyone reacts to trauma differently. Your reaction is just as valid as anyone else’s and there is no correct way to feel. We are proud of you for sharing your story. Please let us know if there is anything that we can do to help!

  22. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Zelda,

    I’m sorry that this happened to you. It’s okay to feel the way you do about it. Your feelings are valid regardless. There isn’t a “correct” way to feel. People respond to traumatic situations in different ways. What’s important is to allow yourself to feel (or not feel) and understand your feelings. How you feel may change over time or it may not. And that’s okay. What’s important is doing what is best for you and what makes sense for you. Sharing your story here is one way to begin engaging with this experience. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. Please let us know how else we can help and please feel free to continue posting updates if you ever feel the need. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  23. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    I think it is okay that you don’t really have any feelings about this. It could be because you were so little and you don’t really remember it completely or your mind is trying to make you forget. I think though that it is okay to not remember. I think it helps the healing process because you don’t have the feeling of being scared like you have from other experiences. I remember responding to that story and it is hard for me to really give advice because I wasn’t in that kind of situation. However, what I can say is that the event is still traumatic, I don’t want to downplay what happened, but I think if you aren’t phased by it like you are for your other traumatic experiences, that is good. I think it means that you were able to recover from that incident. Thank you for posting this question. I hope I could help. If you need anything else we are always here for you.
    -Alyssa

  24. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for what your grandpa did to you. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. I think we all respond and internalize our trauma in different ways-there is not right or wrong way to feel about trauma. There are certain experiences in my life that are definitely categorized as “traumatic”, but experiences that I personally don’t really view that way, or experiences that I don’t really feel anything about/think about really at all. It doesn’t mean that what happened to me was okay. It also doesn’t mean that what happened to me didn’t impact me/won’t impact me in the future. We all recover and process this differently, and that’s okay. You don’t have to feel any particular way about anything. How you feel is completely valid. Thank you for coming back to share-we are here for you.

    Erin

  25. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    Thank you for sharing with us. However you’re feeling with regards to what your grandpa did is totally valid. Everyone has different ways to respond/cope, and there is not one right way to feel about it. Take care.