Hi everyone. I’ve been happier for the past few weeks.
I thought about the guy friend who my parents didn’t approve of. I realized that he is a good person, but he can be kind of pushy. I still wish him the best, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that we stopped talking. I understand why my parents were wary of him, even though the way they showed their disapproval sucked.
Speaking of my parents, they haven’t talked about the person who assaulted me in a while. I don’t plan on bringing it up either because of their responses in the past. In a way, I’m glad because I’m protecting myself from invalidation and inconsistency. A part of me wants to have a conversation with them about it, but I have a feeling they’ll invalidate me again.
I’ve talked to my younger sister about how our parents invalidate us. She sees it too. In fact, she gets the brunt of it because she’s more outspoken than I am. As of now, neither of us is sure of what to do. I don’t know if they’re aware of it. Whenever they feel like they’re losing control, they yell to regain that control. They tend to deny their flaws, which puts me in a difficult position. I want to tell them about how this has been affecting us, but I don’t want to run into a brick wall or deal with more invalidation. Maybe when they invalidate us, we could say how we feel without putting the blame on them. For example, we could say, “I feel judged,” or “I feel invalidated.” I want to see if it’ll work.
I’m glad that I can trust my younger sister with my feelings and vice versa. Even though it sucks that we have to deal with this, I’m happy that we can support each other.
I also had to go to church (yesterday) for the first time in a few weeks. I was upset on Saturday because I wasn’t sure what my emotional reaction would be and I was nervous. However, I’ve been reading this book about healing, which talked about making yourself feel safe. I think something clicked because I kept telling myself that I was strong and that my feelings were valid. I also thought about the progress I’ve made in the past few weeks in regards to a healthier diet, exercise, and moving on from what happened with my guy friend. I still felt a little paranoid, but I wasn’t extremely upset or drained. Telling myself these things throughout the service helped a lot, and I feel better than I have in a long time. I’m going to keep doing this.
Thank you for reading this update.