Making Amends

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I’ve been doing pretty well with my repressed memories unrepressing. It was pretty awful remembering that my mom sexually abused me, and I wish it didn’t come up when I was on a beautiful trip a few months ago.


I’ve been having a hard time making amends from back when my memories were repressed and I was acting out. 


A family member accused me of making suicidal threats to manipulate others. Today I am not suicidal, and a few years ago I did make an attempt. That wasn’t out of a need for attention, back then I genuinely thought people needed to be protected from me and the best way to do that was if I wasn’t alive. I get how delusional that was and how deep I was in my suffering. I’ve done a lot of work to straighten myself out, I enjoy life. 


A different family member is scared that I am going to relapse. Drug abuse is a part of my earliest memories. It made my childhood bearable a little more painless. I wish I could say I’ll never use it again, but it is always a risk. All I can say is that I have been sober for years now and I have done a major amount of self work that the risk of relapse is low. 


I know these people have seen me at my worst and very rarely at my best or even somewhere in the middle. I have earned their pathological view of me. It hurts that they may not update their view of me. I wish I could force them too. I wish there is more I can do than consistently show up as myself and act from my integrity. 

Amends suck.


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39 comments

  1. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Neesha,
    You have made so much progress. You’ve been through a lot, and It’s awesome that you’re enjoying life and healing. It can be difficult when the people around us don’t see our progress. However, we can’t control how other people see us. They have their own experiences, which likely influence their judgments in different ways. I agree with Roxie; you’re not responsible for their feelings. I think realizing that we don’t have control over their feelings can be freeing in a way. You can do what’s best for you without being tethered to their judgments. Of course, this takes time, and it’s a continuous process. I encourage you to keep acting with integrity and showing up for yourself; that’s so important!
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We’re here for you, and please let us know if you need anything. You’ve got this!

  2. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Neesha,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like you have been through a lot and that you have been working on healing. You are not responsible for the feelings of your family members. Your job is to take care of and discover yourself. Sometimes we have to take a step back from those who choose to misunderstand us so that they do not drain our energy. You have attempted to make your amends. Keep healing and finding you, that is what is important right now.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  3. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m sorry that you had to deal with those memories coming back during your trip. I’m also sorry that you are struggling to make amends. You have made a lot of progress, and you deserve to be acknowledged for it. The best advice I have is to give them time to see that you have made that progress and that you have changed for the better. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  4. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    Thank you for sharing with us. It sounds like you have been through so much throughout your life. There are so many parts of you that come to make you who you are. I recently started reading a book titled The Body Keeps the Score. It’s all about PTSD but I find it interesting how the brain makes connections with what we consider safe and how we make the choices that we do. I also currently have a client that I work with and continue to tell them that they can choose who they want to be. They don’t have to fall back into those same patterns that once kept them safe. A difficult past makes you a stronger individual (and I’m sure you’ve heard that before). Control only what you can and it will be less of a burden to worry what others think. They will have to change their opinion. You can’t do that for them. Stay strong. Keep pushing. You make a difference in this world.

  5. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through, it must have been devastating to have those painful memories come back and I can’t imagine how exhausting that must be to deal with. The fact that you keep pushing forward and focus on your growth says a lot about your strength and resilience. You deserve to have others recognize the enormous work you have done on yourself, and it must be difficult and frustrating not to have that. It sounds like you’ve been carrying this on your shoulders for some time, and you deserve to have some relief. Sometimes even something small like listening to a favorite song or journaling can be helpful. If you find that you need someone to talk to about what’s been going on, don’t hesitate to text VOICE to 741-741 to speak to a trained counselor.

    Wishing you a peaceful day,
    -Rachel

  6. meg Volunteer

    Hi Neesha!

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry to hear about the trauma that your mom has put you through and the fall out from the repressed memories. Trauma has a way of resurfacing at the worst moments.. I know you want your family to see your growth, but keep focusing yourself and how you feel. The more you continue to practice self love, the more your family will hopefully see the changes you’ve made. Do you have a therapist that you can talk to? That way if you feel like you’re worried about relapsing or just need someone to vent to, you have a steady hand there. If you check out our FIND HELP tab, we have many resources that will be able to guide you to a therapist that’s right for you. I am proud of how hard you are working to move forward. You are a wonderful human. Keep us updated!
    -Meg

  7. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey Neesha,

    Thanks for sharing this with us. Having repressed memories re-emerge can lead to a lot of different, and sometimes conflicting emotions, like cathartic understanding, anger, sadness, etc., so I hope you’re kind to and taking care of yourself while you’re processing these memories. I hear you loud and clear on how difficult it is to make amends, wish people would “forgive and forget” those stressful periods of your life, and move on in a healthy way. It’s hard and shitty, I know. I wish there was more that can be done too, but I think time might be the most helpful thing, to give them time to trust and see you in a different light. But in the meantime be kind to yourself as you’re working through your healing process. And we’re always here for you. Keep your chin up and stay strong!

    Sending much love and support,
    Bre

  8. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there Neesha,

    Thank you for coming to us and sharing. Repressed memories can be difficult, but it sounds like you have grown a lot. I’m sorry to hear that your family members are not supportive, but at the end of day you have maintained your sobriety and you know yourself best. If they can’t see you for who you have become that is their loss. Thank you for coming to update us, and please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you further.

    Carmen

  9. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    It is good to hear from you. I’m sorry that those memories came up for you again. Even more than that I’m sorry that you have certain family members who sound like they are bringing up a lot of the past, which has painful memories for you. It is unfortunate that they can’t focus on the steps you’ve made to overcome a lot of challenges and that they don’t realize the negative impact it can have on you. It’s understandable that you’ll always remember the things that you’ve been through, but please don’t let the words of others result in doubting yourself. If you feel that you are still dealing with painful memories, it may be helpful to talk to a therapist, especially if they have been repressed for years and you weren’t able to sort through them before now. I wish you the very best and we are always happy to hear from you any time you need!

  10. Lex Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    Thank you for sharing with us. Repressed memories can be hard to deal with and work through when they resurface. I am so sorry that this had to happen on your trip. Congratulations on your sobriety, I am so happy for you! It seems that you have done a lot of self-work, which should be acknowledged. I am sorry that your family members are having a hard time viewing the new you, but hopefully, with time they start noticing and acknowledging all the hard work you have done to better yourself. All you can do though is focus on you and further bettering yourself, you do not need to prove anything to your family members.

    You are so strong! We are here for you, always!
    – Lex

  11. jao1820

    Hey Neesha,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Its good to hear that you’ve been doing well with these memories start to reveal themselves. It can be a long process to embrace these memories, especially painful ones such as these. But you don’t have to go through that journey alone, we’re here to support you and listen to you.

    I’m sorry to hear that a family member accused you like that. That’s great to hear that you are no longer suicidal, it shows how much stronger and braver you are now. I understand how looking back at those thoughts from that time may seem delusion, but dont invalidate yourself or your emotions at that time. I’m glad that you’ve taken some time to reflect, gain some perspective, and grow as an individual.

    Congratulations on staying strong and sober! Each moment of sobriety is a huge accomplishment. Having a family member worry about relapse may not be a bad thing, it shows that they care and love you. Drug abuse is a very important issue and its inspiring to hear how much work you put in to reduce the risk of relapse.

    Making amends is a constant battle between you, yourself, and the other individual. Keep doing your best and don’t forget to take care of yourself and your mental health. As you keep improving yourself and building yourself up, others will see the difference and that may change their perspective. Stay strong and safe. We’re always here to support you.

    – J.A.O.

  12. JWorks Volunteer

    Neesha,

    Thanks for sharing. It can be rough to have memories come back from long ago. Especially when they’re painful and traumatic. It’s very respectable that you’re able to make amends with people you hadn’t thought possible before. It’s also great to hear you’ve been sobering up. We’re here for you to talk to whenever so please stay strong and keep us updated!

    -Jay

  13. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing with us. We are here for you and want to support you in any way possible. Amends can be a long journey for sure, but the fact that you’re willing to do so, says a lot of how important these relationships or abilities mean to you. Congratulations on your sobriety! Every day is a huge accomplishment and I’m happy for you that you’ve put in the work to get to where you are today. With changing people’s perspective, it can be challenging and frustrating when someone refuses to see the new light that you’ve been working so hard for, but it’s evident in your writing that you know this is not for them but for you! You are putting yourself first and that’s how it should be. It may seem like those people may never change their perspective but as long as you persevere, you will prove them wrong. They may notice that they should’ve given you the chance long ago and regret not letting go of the burdens earlier, these apologies will come. You have a strong head on your shoulders and I believe that based on your writing here. You are very aware of what all you need to do and the steps you need to take to accomplish them.
    Stay strong <3

  14. lizzi

    Hi Neesha,
    Thank you so much for sharing with us. I’m sorry that you’ve had to bring up repressed memories of your mom abusing you, but I’m glad to hear that it’s been going pretty well. That can be such a upsetting experience when those memories come back up. Please know that if it ever gets too hard to manage, we’re here for you and we support you.

    I think it’s somewhat normal for people who have seen us at our worst to have concerns or opinions about our previous struggles. I’m sorry that a family member thought your suicidal threats were meant to be manipulative. While flawed and delusional, your thoughts back then make sense to me. You thought that people were better off without you, which obviously isn’t true, but at the time that’s what you believed. I’m glad that you aren’t still in that place and that you’re enjoying life now. I’m so proud of you for finding sobriety, especially when that made these hard things easier to deal with. Whatever you’ve done to get sober, keep doing it. Reach out to people when you need support, go to meetings if that’s your thing, because you deserve to be happy and not go back to using. Sobriety isn’t easy but it’s worth it.

    I can’t speak for your specific family members, but in my own experience it’s been hard for people who have seen me at my worst update their view on me despite how far I’ve come. And sometimes it comes from love and concern, that it was so scary for them to see me struggle that they’re afraid of me ever going back to that place. While I don’t know if that’s the same situation for you, you don’t have to prove anything to them. You’re doing your best and it sounds like you’re doing really well. That’s all you have to do, for you. Not them. You can’t control how others view you, but you can control what you do for yourself.

  15. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there Neesha,

    Thank you for sharing with us! I am glad to hear that you are doing better with your memories coming back to you. I can only imagine how difficult that must be and I think you are very strong! It can definitely be hard to make amends after such a difficult time. It can be hard for others to understand what you were going through. But, I think it is important to remember that you are trying and even if not all of your family members can understand, you are doing all you can to heal yourself. With time they may be able to change their view of you. Be sure not to put too much weight on their views, what matters is how you view yourself and that you, as you said, consistently show up as yourself. You are so strong and you are doing all of the right things to heal. Be patient!! We are here for you along the way!

    Stay strong,
    -Natalie

  16. adrian Volunteer

    Hi there, Neesha-

    It’s difficult to deal with our past selves sometimes. Many of us wish we had perspective, sooner. It sounds like over recent time, you’ve gained some of that perspective, albeit traumatic through the form of memories that are no longer repressed. It is strong of you to desire to make amends and it shows just how much you care about your family and friends. I hear you when you say, “people have seem me at my worst and very rarely at my best”. It seems like you desire to be connected and for them to know your full, genuine, true self, which takes great courage.

    Showing up as ourselves takes daily, intentional work. This work, though difficult, is necessary to do as you’d like- act from your integrity. You have a big heart and a strong resolve to make this happen, though! We are a community of support for you to lean on as you make it through your life. You deserve a place here, no matter how crazy your past may have been. It is your future that counts and that is where you are headed! I am proud of the work you completed, are currently doing, and are about to do. Know that you life as it is currently is not what it once was and, the best part is, you have the ability to shape it to how you want it.

    Keep fighting the good fight. We are here to support you!

    Take care,
    Adrian

  17. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Neesha,

    Thanks for posting. I’m so glad to hear how great you’re doing. While relapse is always a threat, it sounds like you’re doing your absolute best to combat it and I believe that you will resist. The hard work you’ve put in to straighten yourself out will be rewarded. It may be tough to think that people’s views of you might not be updated, but you just need to give it time. What’s most important is that you look at YOURSELF differently now. You’re not the same person you used to be. It’s hard to make amends but it’s worth it.

    Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you. We’re here for you!
    Marissa

  18. rohina_kumar Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way right now; I can’t imagine what you must be going through. You do not deserve to be seen through a pathological view and you do not deserve those accusations of making up suicidal threats to manipulate others. You are entitled to the way you feel, and no one has the right to judge your feelings/emotions. Suppressing repressed memories can be really hard, but it’s all a part of the recovery process and a lot of it has to do with coming to terms with such memories, at your own pace of course. As long as you’re being yourself, 100% happy with the way you’re presenting yourself, and are focusing on your own healing journey, what others think of you should be disregarded. We’re here to constantly support you through that journey. Feel free to come on here and update us at any time. All the love.

  19. haesol Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    Thank you for posting. When repressed memories resurface it can be so incredibly hard, but it can also be a light in the road of healing, a part of acceptance. I’m sorry that it has made you feel bad, you don’t deserve that. However, you’re making great progress and that’s worthy of being acknowledged. It’s nice to hear you’ve been working hard to stray away from bad habits, the fact that you can say you’ve been sober for years now is definitely not a small thing! congratulations on that. Sadly, we can’t force to change the perspective of other people, I’m sorry that they keep seeing you in a dark, apprehensive way. You’ve done really well thus far and you relly don’t owe them anything, so I’d just say to give them time, you’ve been doing your part already.

    Please don’t hesitate to come back and update us at any time you want, we are here for you.
    Stay safe,

    -sol

  20. tbird830 Volunteer

    Neesha,

    Repressed memories resurfacing can be so, so difficult. I’m sorry that that added a dark cloud to a beautiful trip you were having. It sounds like you have been through a lot of trauma in your life, but you have put in the work to overcome that and continue to do so. It is so hard to overcome addiction and mental health challenges, so that is something to be very proud of! It’s unfortunate that some of the people around you have not been able to understand your past behavior or acknowledge your growth. Like you said, we’re not able to change others perceptions, so all you can do is continue to show up authentically and focus on what is ahead. Please reach back out if you need us, we are always here to support you!

    Tori

  21. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    I’m sorry that people have been unreceptive to your growth. Remember each individual is on their own path and you can’t control anyone but yourself. I’m proud of you for continuing to remain sober and healthy. It’s really hard! We’re here for you. We believe you and we will support you the best we can. Please feel free to post anytime. We’re happy to listen to you. Hang in there.

    All the best,
    Becca

  22. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to update us. I’m sorry that your family members aren’t giving you the support you need right now. You’ve been doing great so far, and you deserve to be proud of your progress. We’re always here to support you and listen!

  23. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    It’s completely understandable to have trouble with making amends during such a turbulent time in your life. It’s awful that you were told you were being manipulative when you expressed feeling suicidal. Suffering can definitely distort our thoughts, and it’s good to hear that you recognize that now. It sounds like you’ve definitely put in the work to try and better yourself, and hopefully others can see that too. I’m proud of you for everything you’ve done to improve yourself. Take care.

  24. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Neesha,

    Great to have you by for an update. Wow, it’s great to see that you’re un-repressing these memories, sorry it ruined your trip though. However, you’re doing a great job and doing some really hard work when it comes to your mental health. I’m sure it will pay off. I’m sorry that making amends has been difficult, but you were going through a really rough time. I wish they would reach out and make amends with you, as you didn’t do anything wrong. You were going through a really difficult time and needed someone to validate you. I’m sorry that’s all been hard, but we are here for you as well. I’m really proud of the progress you’ve made!

  25. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    I’m glad to hear you are continuing to move forward in your healing journey. I’m sorry that your friends and family aren’t as receptive to your progress as you would like. Remember, healing is an individual journey and sometimes it takes others time to move forward. We are always here for you. We believe you, and we support you 100%. You’ve overcome a lot and you’re doing great. Hang in there!

    All the best,
    Becca

  26. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing and for informing us. i know it can be difficult of with different viewpoints. Just know that you are doing your best and we are proud of you for your accomplishments. we would love to hear from you.

  27. tolleytn Volunteer

    Neesha,

    Thank you so much for sharing an update with us! I definitely know how you feel. It can be difficult to grasp your own struggles with your past with the added viewpoints of others. Sometimes it helps me to think about how you cannot control what others think of you. I find that it sometimes takes off some of the pressure.

    Just know that you are doing what is best for you and all of us at AVFTI are very proud of your accomplishments. It might help to take a day for some self-care. You deserve it! Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us again with an update. We would love to hear from you.

    – Tiffany

  28. musicislove

    Hi Neesha,

    Thank you for coming back to share! Repressed memories are hard to work through and I’m sorry you remembered something horrible when you were in the middle of a fun trip. Working on healing and making amends is no easy task, but the fact that you’re doing it just shows your strength. Even though people aren’t very accepting right now the important thing is that you keep working on yourself and hopefully they’ll see how much work you’ve put into healing soon. And if they don’t, please don’t let that take away from the progress you’ve made and continue to make.

    Delaney

  29. pianogirl44 Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    I want to commend you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of bravery and strength to come forward. You have not had it easy and I am truly sorry for all that you have experienced in your life. I know how challenging it can be when you don’t have the approval and support of family members, especially when you finally feel like you are making amazing progress. It can be hard to recognize that what truly matters is you and your own happiness. You sound like a very strong and resilient person who is capable of making great strides. Healing is a process and you are on the right path. I wish you all the best in your healing. I know that you have what it takes to get through this.

  30. zelda Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing, Neesha!

    I’m happy to hear from you again. I understand where you’re coming from. Repressed memories are very difficult to deal with once they resurface, especially the more jarring ones.

    It’s understandable to act out and lash out. I’ve been there, too. What’s important is what you’re doing now: working on your recovery.

    When I was in the AA program, an ex sponsor told me not everyone I hurt would accept my apology. She told me I can’t control how people feel or think about my amends. I can only control myself. Your friends and family may need more time before they can begin to accept that you are clean, sober, and recovering. Sometimes, depending on how long we’ve been using, building back trust can take years and years. Regardless of how people view you, keep doing what you’re doing. Attend meetings, go to therapy, join recovery groups. Do what you have to do to keep yourself afloat.

    Take everything one day at a time. While I was in rehab, my roommate once told me, “Sometimes, time doesn’t make things better, but it does make things easier.” I can’t promise you that living a sober life will lead to a wonderful life, or that living clean will make your past any easier to deal with. However, I do believe there will be much less pain, strife, and struggle in your life if you can stay on the road to recovery.

    Many blessings to you, Neesha. I’ll be praying for you and for your healing. Have a great day. ☀️🌈

  31. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    I’m really sorry that your suicide attempt and substance abuse issues are weaponized against you – that’s not fair. It sounds like you’re doing really well, even in working through the resurfaced memories. Are you seeing a therapist to help you process those memories? I’m sure making amends is not easy, especially when people are not ready to accept them. However, you should be proud of yourself for making it to this point. At the end of the day, all you can do is speak your peace and do what you can to make amends but if they don’t want to accept that you’ve changed, then it’s out of your control and it’s their loss for not being able to see the wonderful, strong person you’ve become. Hang in there!

    KatherineL

  32. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    Thanks for the update. You’re making great progress. Don’t forget to take time to give yourself credit. I’m sorry things have been difficult with how others view you. Unfortunately, this often takes longer than we wish it would. The best you can do is keep working on your path of healing. In time, they will come around. I know that isn’t the easiest or more helpful answer for what’s happening right now, but it will get better. Stay strong. You can do this and you’re not alone!

  33. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hello Neesha,

    I’m so sorry for what you have gone through and are still going through. I know how hard it is to start changing but everyone around you is staying the same. I am so proud of you for what you are doing for yourself. It’s hard but stay strong you deserve peace and love! Please know that we are always here for you if you need anything.

    -Marie

  34. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    I’ve never been an addict (except maybe food), so forgive me if I say anything really stupid. I know in 12-step programs, taking a personal inventory and making amends is part of it. Their model has helped a lot of folks get sober and it must work for many. Way too many folks who become addicted to drugs and alcohol (and food) have our history. So much so, that I don’t think all the money the government spends on the opiate crisis or the war on drugs is going to do anything significant if we do not address abuse and specifically sexual abuse, and figure out some way to get help to these hurting people. But it is probably also true that until one finds the need to get help, all the helping folks try to do doesn’t work. Ah well, I can’t solve that tonight and I am not expert anyway. The point I think I have is that we (survivors) tend to have an awful lot of shame. And shame is destructive. Telling our story can help alleviate shame. But other things can too. I think the creators of the 12-step programs found that when folks make amends for the harm they have done others they can release the shame that continues to catapult them into the spiral of addiction. So I am not going to knock it.

    I am only going to say that you survived. How you survived what you did, was probably all you had available at the time. It is unfortunate that you now need to heal from the things you did to survive. Maybe taking drugs, and the behaviors that caused wasn’t a good thing, but it is what you needed to do to survive. I think it is important to accept the things we did to survive, not with negative judgement, but with gentleness/acceptance.

    Things like forgiveness and making amends sound horrible, but they benefit the giver more than the receiver. When we give anything to another, we can only control what is in our hearts when we give. We cannot control whether they accept our gift — apology — forgiveness — whatever, or what they do with it. I know that this must be a hard thing, but do what in your heart feels right and try to leave their response to that up to your higher power. Maybe as your view of you continues to improve, they will come around. I think it is true that we have to believe in ourselves to get others to believe in us. Keep working on you. You’ve come so far, and you deserve good stuff from life.

  35. rainedprieto Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    Sorry that you remembered those things while you were on a beautiful trip. We’re really happy to hear you’ve been handling it well, though. I think, and I’m sure you know, that it takes a lot of discipline and work to get to where you’ve been. I hope you’re proud of yourself! I understand that there are people who, despite who you are now, still think you were the person they saw at your worst. Please don’t let this get to you and invalidate your progress. All I can say is it takes a lot of time for people to realize you weren’t the person you were; people like confirming their initial opinions. But I’m sure once time passes by they will see how wonderful and strong of a person you’ve become. And if some don’t, they shouldn’t matter to you. Again, despite what they think, you have done so much progress already. You’re amazing!

    Stay strong & safe x

  36. ZJC9753 Volunteer

    Hi Neesha,

    Having these memories surface is never a fun experience and I am sorry to hear that it happened while you were on a beautiful trip. It sounds like you are trying to make up for how you acted but to me I feel like you have been doing everything that you can for a while to try and survive the trauma that you’ve lived through. I am so sorry for all of the pain and suffering that you have experienced, and I can’t even imagine how much pain that you must have been in when you felt suicidal. I am happy that you are still here. It is really difficult when your suffering and pain is minimized and accused of being used as a ploy for attention, I am so sorry that is happening to you from your loved ones. It is fantastic to hear that you have and are continuing to work on yourself to heal so you can live your life to the fullest including in your sobriety!

    Although your loved ones might have good intentions, please keep in mind that you are a strong person and just because they have their doubts does not mean that they are right.

    I am glad that you have shared your story and please continue to do so when you need/want to. It is difficult to heal from these traumas but I am amazed by your strength and how much you have worked on yourself and I believe with all of my heart that you will continue to do so.

  37. Nichole-SW94 Volunteer

    Hello Neesha

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. My heart aches for the sexual abuse you endured especially at the hands of a family member. It is completely understandable why you acted out. Trauma so young causes a burden that we try to cope with anyway we can. Do not beat yourself up about it though. That is not a reflection of who you are today. I want to say that I am really happy you are here today to share your story with others and really proud of you for how hard you’ve worked to prevent relapsing. It sounds like you are very realistic about your drug abuse which is admirable. I can really sense how far you have come on your healing journey and self work. I have learned that people in our lives who see us at our worst tend to hold that point of view throughout your recovery. Please do not let their doubts undermine all the hard work you have accomplished. I wish I could promise they will come around but this is not always the case. However, I have come to realize that we cannot control how other people feel about, or affect, our recovery. Continue to focus on your self work and break the cycle . Do not let them victimize or villainize you. Your work and self energy will show and one day I hope they will realize how strong,brave, intelligent, and successful you have been and change their view and trust you again. Amends SUCK, but you got this.

  38. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry for the pain and trauma you have experienced. You didn’t deserve it and this wasn’t your fault. I am glad that you are enjoying life and that you felt you have gone through a lot of healing-I know it’s a process, and that process is not always a straight line. You can come back to share here whenever you need-we are here for you.

    Erin

  39. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Neesha,
    I’m so sorry this happened when you were a child. I’m happy that you are still alive today and you helped yourself recover. When people have seen you at your worst they sometimes can only see you that way, which isn’t okay. From what you wrote today it really sounds like you changed and helped your mental health. I’m so proud of that. I think if people aren’t willing to see the improved you then they aren’t worth it. Just know in your heart that you know you are in a better place and you are happy. What other people think isn’t important. I know that can be hard when they are family, but you just have to continue to show them that you are happier and you helped yourself. The more you show off your confidence the more they will see that.
    Continue to stay strong. You really are amazing and I’m proud of the person you became. Overcoming being suicidal and drug abuse is a HUGE accomplishment and that is something that shouldn’t go unnoticed. We are here for you. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. If you need anything else you can always write back.
    -Alyssa