I’ve been doing pretty well with my repressed memories unrepressing. It was pretty awful remembering that my mom sexually abused me, and I wish it didn’t come up when I was on a beautiful trip a few months ago.
I’ve been having a hard time making amends from back when my memories were repressed and I was acting out.
A family member accused me of making suicidal threats to manipulate others. Today I am not suicidal, and a few years ago I did make an attempt. That wasn’t out of a need for attention, back then I genuinely thought people needed to be protected from me and the best way to do that was if I wasn’t alive. I get how delusional that was and how deep I was in my suffering. I’ve done a lot of work to straighten myself out, I enjoy life.
A different family member is scared that I am going to relapse. Drug abuse is a part of my earliest memories. It made my childhood bearable a little more painless. I wish I could say I’ll never use it again, but it is always a risk. All I can say is that I have been sober for years now and I have done a major amount of self work that the risk of relapse is low.
I know these people have seen me at my worst and very rarely at my best or even somewhere in the middle. I have earned their pathological view of me. It hurts that they may not update their view of me. I wish I could force them too. I wish there is more I can do than consistently show up as myself and act from my integrity.