“Love where you’re at.”

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Sometimes I never know where to begin my story. It is ongoing and will never fully come to an end. I will be turning 23 later this month. I was molested by my step father from 4th grade to the summer before my freshman year of high school. It has been something I have been dealing with everyday. I am most definitely in a better place than back then, but some days are still a fight. I suffer from PTSD, depression, and anxiety as the aftermath. There are days I cannot get out of bed. There are other days where I feel like I am kicking ass at life. The first incident happened when I was in 4th grade and I came home to him wanting to show me a pornography magazine. I knew what he was doing was not right and remember my mom always telling me to come to her. So I did. And it resulted in me getting kicked out of the house. I of course recanted. I was 8 years old and I just wanted to go home. The next incident I remember is when I was in 6th grade. This is when it became physical. Some things are blurry for as I have tried to not remember them. I can remember a few distinct incidences, but sometimes I would wake up and my pants would be to my ankles. During high school I acted out a lot sexually because I thought thats the only way I could feel loved. I have struggled since then with bringing my self worth back up and trying to be kind and forgive myself. I struggle with always telling myself I shouldn’t have these problems because technically he never penetrated me so I didn’t really have it all that bad. I am still in counseling. I am still healing and processing all that has happened, but that is okay. These things change a person. They alter you. It is okay to be where you are. I am thankful that I am now getting my masters for Social Work and that I currently work as a sexual assault legal advocate. I am the person for others that I never had and I cannot express in words how healing that is for me personally. Sometimes I am still really down and hard on myself, but I try to love where I am at. It could be worse. With out what happened to me, I would not be the person I am today. I would not be helping the people I am. Thank you for allowing me a safe place to share my stories and my thoughts.


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15 comments

  1. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there, thank you for coming here to share your story. I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you were not supported when you needed it most. Yes, these terrible experiences do change you. they alter you, and it can make you see things differently. But know, this was not your fault, you did not deserve this, and your feelings are valid. You went through something that is unimaginable to some people, but you have been strong enough to get through it. It might still be difficult, but every time you feel that you are not worthy or that you are struggling, know that you had the strength to come out the other side alive and that you did not let these events define who you are. You are doing something amazing by trying to help those who need it and that is truly inspiring. You are worthy and you are beautiful. Continue to stay strong! We are here for you at AVFTI! Come back and share more if you need!

  2. blashea Volunteer

    I am so sorry that happened to you and that you didn’t receive the support that you deserved. I am so proud of you for everything that you have accomplished since then. It takes an incredible amount of bravery to not allow these situations to affect you negatively. I know that you will have bad days but as you said, that is okay. You have to remember all of the good that you have accomplished. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We will always be here to listen!

  3. MH Volunteer

    Hey enimsaj,
    I am sorry for everything that you have been through. Thank you for sharing with us!
    You are so correct- some days it may be hard but it is important to try to love where you are at. You have been through so much- your strength and ability to move forward is very admirable. The fact that you are now working as a sexual assault advocate is awesome! Keep moving forward and feel free to come back if needed. We will always be here for you!
    MH

  4. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, enimsaj. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I’m so sorry your parents were not the protectors you deserve. Your mom should have supported you instead of kicking you out. You are allowed to feel however you feel about what happened to you. The “degree” of the assault doesn’t matter. It’s affected your whole life and that matters. I’m glad you can be okay where you are today and in your healing. We are all works in progress, thanks for helping me remember that. It’s so great to hear you are using what happened to you to try and help others. I think that’s amazing. Keep up the great work.

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi enimsaj,
    Thank you for confiding in us with your story. It’s great that AVFTI is a safe place for you! We’re here to support you.
    I’m so sorry about what happened to you. It wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m sorry that your mother kicked you out of the house and didn’t support you – that is terrible and unacceptable.
    Your feelings are valid. There is no scale for sexual assault, and its effects on you matter. You’re completely right. You can heal and process on your own time. I’m happy that you realize that it’s okay to be where you are.
    I am elated that you’re making a difference in other people’s lives by being an advocate. That is incredible. You’re overcoming so much and helping people simultaneously.
    Please feel free to write back if you need anything. Stay strong!

  6. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi enimsaj,

    I am so sorry for what you went through. You are not to blame for the actions of another. I’m sorry your mother wasn’t more supportive when you initially went to her. You didn’t deserve that. You deserved support. We believe you, and we are here for you!

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are glad we could provide you with a place that you feel safe to share. You are right! It’s okay to be where you are! Healing is a process! Some days it’s easier than others, and that’s okay. I am so glad to hear that you are happy where you are in life with helping others. You should be so proud of all you have accomplished and overcome! Stay strong, and keep doing amazing things! You’ve got this!

    Carmen

  7. gordonsv Volunteer

    enimsaj,

    I just want to thank you so much for sharing your story and being so brave! You are a role model for others who have gone through experiences such as this. Getting your Masters in Social work and working as a sexual assault legal advocate is truly inspiring. You are going to help so many people and make such a difference. You deserve nothing but the best, I hope life continues to get better and better for you! If you ever need to talk, please continue to post or reach out for different resources šŸ™‚ Thank you again for sharing your story of growth!

    -Savannah

  8. WarriorGirl

    Hello,

    I am so thankful that you have shared some of your story with us. It can be hard when something so traumatic has happened to you. But, remembering positive affirmations can help: I am worthy of happiness, I am worthy of forgiveness, I am worthy of self-worth, I am worthy of kindness. You are worthy of all the good things that life has to offer. I completely relate when you say that some days are harder than others, but just remember that you are a survivor. And how amazing is it that you are helping others, and that you are in your masters plan, not many can say they have such an accomplishment.

    Keep going to therapy, keep moving towards your goals, and moving forward!

    Best of luck,
    Kaylee šŸ™‚

  9. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for what your stepfather did to you, and for the fact that your mother did nothing to help you. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. That is so amazing that you are working as an advocate and working towards your degree. Let us know how else we can help you. You are not alone.

    Erin

  10. Jamie Marie Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us.
    I know how difficult it is, but you’re stronger than the abuse, and always will be.
    You are helping many people, and I have no doubt you’ll go far and thrive in your career. That’s admirable.
    Your emotions are valid, as well as your trauma, no matter what.
    If you ever need a place to talk, we’ll always be here.

  11. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear enimsaj,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry that this happened to you and that your mother betrayed your trust in her. Thank you for choosing to help other survivors. You are important and make a huge difference in the lives of those who are hurting. You are allowed to be hurt and to have the need to heal no matter the “degree” of the assault; please remember that and allow yourself to feel whatever your body is telling you you need to feel so that you can begin to heal. Take care of yourself so that you can continue to help others. Please come back and write to us as often as you would like.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  12. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi enimsaj,
    I’m so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve to get kicked out. That is not okay. Good luck in your masters program. You are going to help so many people. We are here if you need anything. Don’t hesitate to write back. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI.
    -Alyssa

  13. Solongago Volunteer

    I am sorry you went through all that. You sound like a pretty incredible person. Thank you for your work helping others. I am glad you are in counseling for yourself, and for your life. You are breaking the cycle of abuse.

  14. Ash Volunteer

    Hi there. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are not alone and Iā€™m so sorry that you had to go through that. But we believe you and we are in your corner. When you feel down look at all the great things you are doing in life. You got this!! We are always here for you if you ever need to come back.

    Ash

  15. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hi enimsaj,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story and for doing the work you do with other survivors. You are very strong to have gone through what you have and are now being able to help others. What happened to you was awful and I am very sorry you had to experience that. Nothing you ever did brought this on and it was never your fault. Living with ptsd, depression and anxiety is hard for sure. I live with all of that as well and it is difficult. It doesn’t matter if he penetrated in you or not he hurt you and that is just as bad. I am glad you are in counseling and I hope it helps. I am so proud that you are getting your masters and want to help people. You are very brave. Please write back anytime. Keep staying strong and good luck with school. Much love
    Kristin