Lost my mum first and everything that happened after

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I think my childhood was pretty normal and happy until my mum had breast cancer, it was early 80’s so treatments weren’t what they are now. She was expecting my little brother when doctors told to abort or chemotherapy, she wanted to have none but my dad made her abort and chemotherapy. Well my dads idea was two parents and one child, not one parent with two. It ended up one parent one child.
That’s when my life started to crumble, I somehow stayed really nice child and cared for others, I didn’t like how my cousin was not nice to her sibling, I was always very well behaved and polite child. I dreamt about having siblings. I dreamt about this normal life with parents and all.. I don’t know when my dad started it, he was an alcoholic, but I remember last time he did it. He used to make me give him a blow j and then he would lick me. I remember I used to hurt so much that I had to take pee with running water when I’m like 8years old. I remember that cigarettes smell and he used to call me mums name. Last time was Christmas evening before I turned 13. I think I was getting too old to manage/control me, some of my teenage rage things I said to my dad were “I wish it would have been you who died rather than mom”. I got him crying on that, but I think I’ve always protected him, I didn’t want him to go to jail because I know what happens to men who abuse children, but he is my dad so I don’t want him hurt either. He got beaten up badly once and I think it was some of my friends, what ever he did to me still doesn’t allow violence in my opinion. To see him beaten up didn’t relieve my pain..
I didn’t let authorities or anyone in family know until he died so I protected him, I suppose I’m lucky because everybody believed me, even my dads sister believed me so.. But what it left me is an adult who thought they could handle it when they were young but now it’s just issue keep coming back. Everything comes back to it. If anyone can recommend good methods or therapy or anything to overcome this it would be useful xxx because I seem to be just mess these days


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12 comments

  1. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Airjohana,
    I’m so sorry for your loss and what your father did to you. This wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t deserve this.
    It’s great that your family believed and supported you. Support can make such a big difference when you’re recovering. I think that having a way to express what you’re feeling can definitely help, such as writing, therapy, support groups, etc. For me, writing, volunteering for and sharing my story on AVFTI, and confiding in a few trusted friends has helped a lot.
    Thank you for trusting us with your story – it takes courage to do that. I hope you’ll find a great support system. We’re in your corner if you need anything. Continue to stay strong.

  2. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Airjohana,
    Hey these, its awful thst you lost your mom at such a young age and I very sorry for your loss. What your father dis was very wrong. I am sorry he did that to you for so many years. You didn’t deserve it you were just a kid. I understand you wanting to. Protect him, he’s you dad. Its just sucks he didn’t protect you. I am glad that you had support from all those people when you did tell what happened. That helps a lot. Have you tried to talk to a thearpist? They can be really beneficial. Also there are some great resources down below. You might also want to look into to ptsd treatment. There are many different kinds. Sometimes just working through a work book helps. I use “the Ptsd workbook third edition by Mary Beth Williams phd lcsw cars soili Poijula phd.” You can get it on amazon. Hope this helps. Thanks for trusting us with your story. Much love
    Kristin

  3. BriGriffith Volunteer

    Airjohana,

    I’m so, so sorry you lost your mom, and that your dad abused you. What happened to you is not your fault, and it will never be your fault. I’m happy to read that your family believed you. AVFTI believes you, and we want what’s best for you moving forward. You deserve to feel loved and supported. There may be something for you under the AVFTI “Find Help” tab, in terms of resources, and therapy. You are not alone. Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. Feel free to keep us updated, and know that we’ll always be here to listen to you.

    – Bri

  4. Jamie Marie Volunteer

    I’m deeply sorry for the loss of your mother, and for the abuse you’ve endured at the hands of your dad. He should’ve been a parent, not an abuser. It’s extremely difficult coming to terms when it’s someone who’s ‘supposed’ to be there and trust.
    Searching for the right support system takes time, and I hope you’ll get it. Just keep looking, and always remember you were never at fault for any of this.

  5. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Airjohana,

    I am so sorry you went through this experience and I am sure it was a very confusing, challenging, hurtful time. I am so glad your family believed you. Keep searching for that right support group. Therapy has been a big helper for me and I hope you find peace as well.

    Ryan

  6. rkr18 Volunteer

    Airjohana,

    I am truly sad that you had to experience all that pain and abuse. I understand how difficult it is when it’s a family member who is the abuser. I experienced abuse by my dad, and I did not tell anyone, so I can relate to why you chose not to tell. Remember you did not deserve this, it was not your fault.
    I believe a good place to start is finding a therapist and support group. You can go to the Rainn.org they can connect you to resources. Please keep us updated, we are hear for you.
    -Marie

  7. Marie

    Airjohana, that is such an awful story. I really feel terribly that you went through such a tough and abusive childhood. Definitely deal with it, like you said — it’ll keep coming up and everything seems to come back to it. I think telling your story here is an amazing first step. Also the fact that you told your family. Sounds like you’ve got their support. Please do seek out a good therapist. I’m not sure where you are but I recommend SoulTenders which is a great network of therapists and psychiatrists. I would also suggest trying mindful awareness. It’s a type of meditation that’s very helpful in dealing with stress, taking a time to seek some peace and space, and self-love.

    Hope you find some answers.

  8. blashea Day Captain

    Hi, I am so sorry that this happened to you. No matter the situation, he should not have taken advantage of you or the situation. It is completely understandable to still care for him despite what he did. It is often confusing when someone we care about hurts us. I am so glad that you were finally able to tell your story! You are so brave and strong.

  9. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Airjohana,
    I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. I’m happy your aunt believes you and you are out of that situation. I think therapy would help you recover. I go to therapy and I know a lot of people who go and it helps a lot. If you want we can help you find a therapist near you. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  10. Silver Volunteer

    Hi Airjohana. Thank you for sharing your story with us, it must have taken a lot of strength. I’m so happy you reached out, and I’m so SO sorry to hear about your mom and dad. I think a good place to start would be to text VOICE to 714-714 or contact RAINN at 1-800-656-4673 like Roxy suggested. It can be even harder if you were abused by a family member. You don’t want to lose them, but that doesn’t justify the abuse. You are so strong for making it through all of that. Continue to stay strong. We are here for you!

    -Jenn

  11. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    First, I am so sorry about your mom dying and then for how your father hurt you for so many years. You didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m glad your family members were supportive, but I am sorry you are still (understandably) struggling now. The best thing for me has been therapy. Let us know if you need help finding a personal counselor. Seeing someone once a week to unload my trauma has been so helpful.

    Erin

  12. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Airjohana,
    I am so sorry that all of this happened to you. You did not deserve it. It took a lot of courage to get through everything and to reach out and ask for help. Many people find therapy or support groups helpful, others find healing through reading, music, or other activities. Our Find Help tab has a lot of resources because we understand that everyone heals in a different way. Some good short-term resources are the Crisis Text Line and RAINN. For the text line, you text VOICE to 741-741 to anonymously be connected to a trained counselor for free 24/7. RAINN has a hotline you can call or a webchat (1-800-656-4673 or http://www.rainn.org). If you go to the Counseling section of the Find Help tab, it will direct you to some other types of counseling services. The Agencies tab has a list of local providers that you may find helpful. You are always welcome to write to us as often as you would like as well. We are here to support you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie