I think my childhood was pretty normal and happy until my mum had breast cancer, it was early 80’s so treatments weren’t what they are now. She was expecting my little brother when doctors told to abort or chemotherapy, she wanted to have none but my dad made her abort and chemotherapy. Well my dads idea was two parents and one child, not one parent with two. It ended up one parent one child.
That’s when my life started to crumble, I somehow stayed really nice child and cared for others, I didn’t like how my cousin was not nice to her sibling, I was always very well behaved and polite child. I dreamt about having siblings. I dreamt about this normal life with parents and all.. I don’t know when my dad started it, he was an alcoholic, but I remember last time he did it. He used to make me give him a blow j and then he would lick me. I remember I used to hurt so much that I had to take pee with running water when I’m like 8years old. I remember that cigarettes smell and he used to call me mums name. Last time was Christmas evening before I turned 13. I think I was getting too old to manage/control me, some of my teenage rage things I said to my dad were “I wish it would have been you who died rather than mom”. I got him crying on that, but I think I’ve always protected him, I didn’t want him to go to jail because I know what happens to men who abuse children, but he is my dad so I don’t want him hurt either. He got beaten up badly once and I think it was some of my friends, what ever he did to me still doesn’t allow violence in my opinion. To see him beaten up didn’t relieve my pain..
I didn’t let authorities or anyone in family know until he died so I protected him, I suppose I’m lucky because everybody believed me, even my dads sister believed me so.. But what it left me is an adult who thought they could handle it when they were young but now it’s just issue keep coming back. Everything comes back to it. If anyone can recommend good methods or therapy or anything to overcome this it would be useful xxx because I seem to be just mess these days