Let Me Try to Unravel This…

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So. When I was small, I loved to play with Littlest Pet Shops. They were these little plastic animals with these huge eyes and magnetic paws. They were awesome. And I used to make up all these stories with them. Particularly about my favorite one, this ugly dishwater grey kitten, getting sexually assaulted. My parents never really hung around while I played with my toys, so they never heard any of my stories. At first I thought it was normal, but. A lot of kids my age didn’t play like that. And then when I was older, I learned that my foster brother, after he had been taken out of the house and re-homed, raped two girls there. And it was like all these memories came clicking back into place. Mom finding bloody scratches on my private bits. Burning whenever I would pee, for no real reason. All the nightmares I had of big monsters trapping me in my bed. I’ve never had the courage to ask, or to say it out loud. I don’t know if I ever will. But I think my foster brother raped me when I was a little kid.

See, I have this memory. I was six. And I had dumped hot chocolate all over my lap. My mom put my in the tub and ran cold water on me to take the sting out, and then laid me in the play room with burn cream on my thighs and a towel over my lower half to rest while she yelled at my dad for making my cocoa too hot. And then my older brother came in. And I remember his hands on my back. And the towel being moved. And then it’s like the world goes dizzy and topsy turvey. The room spins. I know his hands are on me somewhere, but I can’t tell where. And I hear him ask “Doesn’t that feel good?”

Thinking about it makes me sick. Makes me wonder if that’s where I learned to play with my toys like that.

And then nearly fifteen years later, I got to experience an assault without the haze of childhood dissociation to temper the memory and repress it down.

She was my best friend. I cried the first time she kissed me, because she didn’t ask. I didn’t ask her to. I felt gross. I cried about it all night. But I thought, you know, it was a slip up. She wouldn’t take it any further. And then… well. Then she did.

I remember how she pinned me to the bed. one hand under my back and the other above my head. I remember how I couldn’t move. I remember wanting to say no. To say we were just friends. But she was bigger than me. Stronger. She’d thrown me around before while play fighting like I was a sack of feathers. So when she sat up and told me to take off my shirt, I listened. When she touched me, I didn’t move. When she ordered me to touch her, I did. The only thing I didn’t do was respond when she grabbed me by the hair and said, “Tell me you love me.” because my tongue was cemented to the roof of my mouth. I felt so disgusting. I remember rolling over when she finally let me go, staring at her open window. It was December, and freezing, and my blanket was a thin, crocheted thing that did nothing to keep me warm.

I laid there for hours, trying not to throw up. I felt like I shouldn’t have listened to her. But I had shut down, you know? I didn’t know what else to do.

I remember waking up and thinking about my brother. And my Littlest Pet Shops. And her hands on me. And I knew it was the exact same feeling. And I threw up. I threw up and threw up and threw up.

It’s been so long now. and I want to sleep under the bed to get away from it all.

I just wish it wasn’t real.


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76 comments

  1. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this. What happened to you what not your fault and you didn’t deserve it. It’s frustrating to see that the people who you’re supposed to trust taken advantage of that trust and manipulate the situation. We are here for you and if you feel comfortable doing so, feel free to let us know how you’re doing or sharing another story/feelings.
    Stay strong <3

  2. AlisonDKaufman

    Hello stellarnebula:

    I so wish for you it was real also, I am so incredibly sorry these experiences happened to you – you did NOT deserve any of it. Our friends and family are to be our safe place, comfort, and security but they stole that from you. I hope someday you decide to share this with your mom so you do not have to carry this burden alone. Also, please continue sharing your story with AVFTI, we are here to support you. It doesn’t matter how long ago something like this happened, it is part of your story BUT not ALL of your story. When you are ready I encourage you to check out the Find Help tab on the website, it would be so great to speak to someone for guidance.

    Take care of yourself
    Ali

  3. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey there stellarnebula,

    Thank you for coming and sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry these things happened to you. You did not deserve it. Particularly with your foster brother, it can feel especially hard and disorienting when you don’t have the full memory of what happened. But you are not alone in this. It sounds like you’ve been carrying this all on your own. What can we do to support you? I encourage you to explore our Find Help tab for a variety of resources that may help you take steps to try and cope and process this. We are here for you. Keep your chin up and stay strong.

    Sending love and support,
    Bre

  4. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for your courage in sharing this story with us. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, and for all these painful memories. Have you spoken to anyone about what happened, maybe a friend or a therapist? You shouldn’t have to go through this alone, and we’re here to support you in any way we can.

    All the best,
    Rachel

  5. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for coming to AVFTI with your story. It takes a lot of courage to share and we will all be here for you. I’m so sorry to hear what you think happened to you as a kid. It’s so hard to piece together the memories when you are that young. I’m also sorry to hear about what your friend did to you when you were 15. What she did was wrong, and no real friend would ever make you do any of those things. Nothing that happened was your fault in any way. Shutting down is a normal response. It’s so hard to process these things, but we do have amazing resources here if you want to work through things in detail: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/. We are always here for you.

    Stay strong,
    T

  6. Lex Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you had to experience these things. You did not deserve any of it! Your foster brother and your “best friend” had no right at all to do those things to you. They completely violated you by crossing your personal boundaries. I am sorry that you are having to deal with these memories from your childhood many years later, and I completely understand how you wish you none of it was real, but you are taking an amazing first step by sharing and talking about your story! It takes so much courage to do so. Like many other volunteers have mention, a therapist may be helpful on your healing journey as they may be able to help you work through these emotions and memories.

    I wish you all the best! Stay strong! We are here for you, always!
    – Lex

  7. t3nnis_player18 Volunteer

    Hey stellarnebula,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us, you are so strong. I am so sorry this happened to you as a child when you’re at your most vulnerable and then again when you were older by someone you trusted. None of that was right and none of it was your fault. You were a kid and didn’t know any better and your friend never asked for your consent. Not saying no does not mean it is a yes. I’m sorry all these memories came flooding back and no one was there to protect you from any of this like they should have. I know all of these memories and this pain can be difficult to deal with, but remember that these experiences are not what define you, you are much more and so much stronger. We are here for you and anything you need, stay strong. I am wishing you nothing but the best!

  8. adrian Volunteer

    Hey, stellarnebula-

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You are strong for making connections between your memories and writing them down for others to read. These connections are critical for your path toward healing- how you played with your toys, how you interacted with others, how the feelings seemed so similar. It is normal to want these memories to go away or to want to get away from it all. Sometimes memories will linger longer than we wish, but with your strength and resilience, you can work toward replacing those memories with more joyful ones, ones you are glad to have in your head and as a part of your life. Your life story is still being written, so while it’s okay to sleep under the bed for awhile, be merciful to yourself as you begin to wake up and move about your world. Keep fighting the good fight.

    Take care,
    Adrian

  9. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for coming forward with your story. It sounds like you have been through a lot of hardships. I’m wondering if you have ever opened up to a therapist about what you have been through? There are some really great therapists out there who could help you on your therapeutic journey, to try and help you to remember what happened to you – or to just help you to cope with how it feels to remember certain things. If you are able to speak to someone, I think it would be very beneficial to you.

    I just want you to know that what you endured was not your fault. You should also not blame yourself or think that if you had done x, then things would have been different.

    I wish you all the best on your healing journey.

    Take care.

  10. lilyk Volunteer

    Hey stellarnebula,

    Thank you so much for sharing and trusting us with your story. I am so sorry that this happened to you. You did not deserve this, and I’m sorry that you were hurt by people you should be able to trust. It takes a lot of courage and strength to share your story. If you’d like, the “Find Help” tab has links to a bunch of resources, hotlines, and more that might be able to help if you’re interested. Sending you strength, you’re always welcome here.

  11. musicislove

    Hi Stellarnebula,

    Thank you for sharing your story here I know that takes a lot. I am so sorry for what you’ve been through, when you were younger and as an adult. You didn’t deserve any of the trauma you endured and none of it was your fault. Your foster brother had no right to violate you, and the person you called your best friend shouldn’t have forced herself on you. What they both did is not okay, and I’m sorry your most recent experience brought up your experience with your brother. I’m sorry you’re struggling right now I know it’s hard thinking about trauma and wanting it to not be real, have you every talked to a therapist? I don’t know where I would be without therapy, it is extremely helpful while working through trauma. We’re also always here if you ever want to share more, and we have a lot of resources under our Find Help tab if you need anything else.

    Delaney

  12. jcastle38 Volunteer

    Hello there,

    I am so sorry you have gone through so much trauma and abuse since a young age. It’s horrible to think your older brother would do such a thing to you along with your best friend. You didn’t deserve any of it and you are so strong for speaking about it with us. I believe talking about it is the first step towards healing and I hope you are able to heal from this. It is a very long process and is never the same for two people but if you ever need to talk we are all here to listen and to support you. If you need additional sources you can find some under our “Find Help” tab. But we will always be here to listen, and I am rooting for your recovery from all of this trauma. Stay strong I’m sending you lots of love and positivity to get you through this!

  13. karinakalke Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced these traumas. Please know that none of it was your fault. I think that talking to a professional could be really helpful if that’s something you would want to do. There are also a lot of resources under the “Find Help” tab. We are always here for you for whatever you need.

    Sending love and support,
    Karina

  14. Starling Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry that you had to deal with this. You didn’t deserve it, and it wasn’t your fault. Have you talked to a professional about these events? A therapist might be able to help you sort out the emotions and thoughts you’re dealing with. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  15. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi stellarnebula,
    You didn’t deserve for this to happen to you, and none of it was your fault. Freezing or acting out of fear does not make this your fault; these were your body’s ways of protecting you at the time. Freezing can happen during traumatic events when it is too dangerous to fight or flee. It’s understandable that you want to get away from it all, and I also wish these things hadn’t happened to you. I can only imagine how painful it was when this memory came back. It makes sense that this is difficult to cope with, and you’re not alone. If you need any resources, I would recommend clicking on the Find Help tab.
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I hope sharing your story was cathartic for you. Please write back whenever you need anything; we’re here to listen and support you in any way we can.

  16. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear stellarnebula,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. Those things should not have happened to you and I wish it wasn’t real as well. Our minds are fascinating in the ways that they try to protect us. I hope that being able to tell your story here helps you on your healing journey. We have some wonderful resources in our Find Help tab if you are looking for information. We are always here to listen and respond if you just need a safe space to talk. We can’t fix what happened but we can be here for you now. Know that you are not alone and you are supported.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  17. slozoya1120 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for sharing your story here with us. I am sorry that this happened to you. It is not your fault that you froze, and that you acted out of fear. I am sorry that person made you feel all of that, and that you were taken advantage of. There is a “find help” link here in the site. If you are seeking other sources, please use those available. We are always here to listen if you ever feel the need to share some more. Take care.

    -Sam

  18. coachdiggs Volunteer

    Hello Stellarnebula
    First I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. I want to say sorry for what you have been going through. I wanted to say to if is not your fault that and you did not deserve for what you have been through. I wanted to say keep telling your story. Everybody is here for you and want to you to keep telling your story. Lastly, I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story again.
    Kevin

  19. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry for what you have been through. You didn’t deserve any of it, and it wasn’t your fault. I’m sorry these memories are coming back. I know that it can be painful and difficult, but we are here for you. You are not alone. Thank you for trusting us with your story, and please let us know if there is anything we can do to help.

    Carmen

  20. heretohelp101 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Im really sorry that you have had to go through all of this,
    You really don’t deserve it and just know you are so strong and we are all here for you

  21. heretohelp101 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Im really sorry that

  22. Stark21 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    I would like to say thank you for trusting us with your story. You should have never had to experience this, I’m sorry those who you trusted as a child took advantage of you. I’m sure by playing with your toys like that as a child was a coping mechanism at the time. This is not your fault and you did not deserve this. As others had mentioned our “Find Help” tab has many resources that provide possible help in your recovery process. Sending healing vibes your way. Please feel free to share and use this safe space again. We are here for you.
    -R

  23. Pamela Z Volunteer

    Hello, stellarnebula,
    Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for what you went through, none of this was your fault. You did not deserve this, and it must be hard to think about it. But I believe that you are strong, we support you and we are here to listen. We have counseling resources under the “Find Help” tab, this can help you in your path of healing. You and your story are important to us, please feel free to come back.
    Sending strength

  24. iap66325 Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,
    Thank you for having the courage to share your story with us. I apologize for everything that you were subjected to by those which you had considered close and had trusted. Everything that you were put through then, and how you are having flashbacks of them now are a normal process in your road to recovery. It may hurt here and there having to go through the traumatic memories caused by those you trusted. But I want you to know that you are so strong in coming forth to share your experience. Not only that but I would also like to pinpoint that you will always have support on this platform from myself and everyone else here we will guide you and always listen to what you have to say. If you wish to share more which I highly recommend to help you cope and just distress any anxiety that hovers over you, a multitude of us will always be here waiting. Also on the other hand, if you do not have anyone that you feel comfortable talking about all this to I also recommend looking at AVFTI find help tab resources that range from hotlines and counseling such as RAINN hotline 1-800-656-4673 since you had one experience done by someone within your family. Or even some that I have come across like, The Rape Crisis center 24 hr hotline, 210-349-7273 also another sexual assault service for trauma 941-708-6059. Any of these can do so much in helping you channel the pain and trauma as the more you progress in feeling comfortable sharing. I hope this all helps I really do wish you continue to share and update us not to mention take the chance whenever you feel ready to check out the hotlines or even counseling options offered. I know you are powerful and strong to keep taking those steps forward. Do not quit and again I hope to hear from you very soon we all believe in you! I also send my love and strength to you!

  25. dzreid Volunteer

    Hello!
    I am so glad you have shared your story with us! The mind such a unique part of who we are but yet in the same sense, it is such a profound complex tool. I believe the mind to be like a computer; too much data can produce an overloaded system, thus causing a shut down. The mind in a sense is similar; too much information to process at once, it goes into sleep mode. It is natural to wonder if it was real & have doubts. The challenges & memories you are experiencing, are perfectly normal. I hope you now know that none of what happened to you is your fault. You deserve to live happy & free. Healing takes time & is a slow process. Be patient, go step by step, take some deep breaths, & know that these feelings of wanting to hide will eventually fade. Have you thought about seeking the help from a professional? On our “find help” page/link, there is loads of information as far as resources to help you in your journey towards healing. You are not alone! I believe in you & know things will get easier.
    Dawn

  26. KevionS. Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    I will like to say thank you for sharing your story with us and I will like to also say that I believe you and hear you. What happened to you was not your fault. You were a young child when this happened to you and no child should ever have to go through that. You are very brave and strong. Thank you once again for sharing your experience with us. We will always be here for you.

    Best,
    KevionS.

  27. Chris Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    I am sorry that this happened to you. It is important to always remember that you did not deserver any of what happened and that traumatic memories and experiences affect each individual differently. You sound like you have a solid head on you shoulders and there are many different resources available to you both here on the website from the “find help” tab and from outside sources. We all look forward to hearing from you again soon and thank you for being brave and sharing your story. Best wishes.

    Chris

  28. betterdays1 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    I’m sorry this happened to you. Sometimes the brain blocks traumatic memories or experiences. It must be really hard not remembering what really happened to you or be uncertain about certain things. You are a very strong person and I believe you can overcome this. No one deserves to live that or have those memories of their childhood. Thank you for sharing your story with us and we hope to hear from you soon! Take care.
    -v

  29. casitasbonitas Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula, I am so sorry you had to endure this pain. You did not deserve what happened to you, you were young and did not know what was happening. We all are here to help you and to listen to you! thank you for being brave and sharing your story. Please keep us updated! Stay strong and if you need any services you can always check out the find help tab. 🙂

  30. lmc83823 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you had to experience this. Your feelings are completely valid and no one should have ever taken advantage of you. It’s interesting how our child minds distort memories to make it easier to cope and I am sorry that you experienced those flashbacks. They are very terrifying and painful; just know we are here to support you. Feel free to check out the Fine Help tab above for any resources you may be interested in. Also, feel free to come back and share anything else that may be on your mind.
    Sending you strength and love,
    Luna

  31. leoreslavick Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Thank you for sharing with us and I am so sorry this happened to you. It seems as though the dolls that you used to play with as a kid was your way of expressing and coping with what happened without actually putting into words. What happened was beyond traumatizing for a little girl to handle and the littlest pet shop dolls was your way of expressing how you felt and what happened to you. I am sorry that your brother and your friend took advantage of you and that you were put in both those situations in the first place. You did not deserve what happened to you and I hope that one day you will be able to overcome it. But I just wanted to say that it is ok to still be haunted by those memories as healing takes time and what happened to you was very traumatizing. You are so strong and you will overcome this one day.
    -Leore

  32. tolleytn Volunteer

    Stellarnubula,

    I’m so sorry that you had these experiences. I think how you described the haze of childhood dissociation is extremely important. We often don’t understand how or why these things happen to us and I think you are so strong in being able to share your story with us. You certainly didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. If you need to talk to a professional, click on the “find help” tab for more information on this. You’re always welcome to come back and share any stories/experiences/progress with us whenever you need to. We all believe you and are here to support you in whatever way we can. <3

    – Tiff

  33. Araceli1090 Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,

    I’m sorry for what you went through. You were so young and you did not deserve any of that. I want to remind you that your voice is heard and we are here for you.

    stay strong.

  34. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    I’m very sorry about what happened and that you have had to live with the memories for so long. I’m also sorry that each person who you should have been able to trust took advantage of that. You didn’t deserve to be in any of those situations and you deserve to have peace in your life now. I hope that you have someone in your life who you can trust with your story so that you can start that journey. We also have a Find Help tab in case you would like to talk to someone professionally. We are always here for you and will always be ready to listen and believe you. We are honored you shared your story with us. Please take care.

  35. Angela Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Thank you for coming on here and sharing your story with us. I am so sorry you had to go through that, especially at such a young age, you did not deserve any of that. Everything that you are feeling is valid, do not let anybody tell you otherwise. I believe that you are strong and can push through, it will take some time but I know you can do it. Please feel free to look at the “find help” tab on here, you may find something that can help in any way. Thank you again for sharing with us, I believe you and we are here for you!

  36. Mary Ella Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us here. It must have been difficult for you to have these memories and to carry it with you throughout the years. I am sorry that people you trusted took advantage of you, and I hope that writing this out could give you some sense of peace. We are here for you, and if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to or just a place to vent when these memories come flooding, feel free to write to us again. You are brave and strong, especially for sharing your experiences with us. This is a great step towards healing. Hang in there! We are here for you.

    Mary

  37. SarahLove Volunteer

    Hi Stellarnebula,

    Welcome to AVFTi. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with us. You did not deserve anything that happened to you. You were so young and would never imagine your foster brother or friend taking advantage of you. I can see why you connected the way you would play with your dolls to these memories that you’ve been having. Managing these taunting memories can be challenging. However, it seems you want to find the reason for them. I want to let you know that we are always here for you with no judgment. I am sending strength your way through your healing process.

    Please keep us updated.
    Stay Strong,
    SarahLove

  38. snandi2 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m so sorry that you had to go through such horrifying experiences, there wasn’t anything you could have done to prevent them from happening. All of us here at AVFTI are here to support you no matter what, and we will try our hardest to help you as best as we can. The path to healing is definitely not an easy one, but I believe in you and I know that you’ll get there. I agree with other volunteers in that talking to a therapist or a counselor would be a great step to take. They would listen to everything you’ve been through, and offer some advice on how to start healing. Our “Find Help” tab also has some resources that you may find useful, such as hotlines, resource centers, and counseling services. Please don’t give up hope, and let us know if there’s anything else we can do.

  39. bbbmjohnson Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us stellarnebula. You are so brave. This really is a safe place for you to talk and share your feelings. These things that you experienced are not your fault, I want you to remember that. Sometimes I feel like it is easy to blame ourselves when this happens. So please never blame yourself. We are here to support you and send strength. There is definitely strength in numbers so know that we hear you.
    I wish the best for you,
    Bailey

  40. sarahj Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with us here. I hope that taking some time to reflect and write out your experiences has been helpful in your healing journey. I am very sorry to read what took place in your childhood with your brother and your friend. I can understand why you link your play with the Littlest Pet Shop toys and your experiences – I think that can be quite common. I also hope you know that what happened was wrong and not one bit your fault. I am sorry you have had to carry this for so long, but I hope you can begin to find some peace. Please know that we are always here if you would like to share again. This is a safe space filled with people ready to support you!
    Sending you strength,
    sarahj

  41. Zithlaly.cruz Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. Your voice is heard here. I am sorry that you experienced that at a young age. Know that what happened to you is not your fault. Your brother took advantage of you, and as a child, it was difficult for you to process the traumatic event. How can we help you with your healing journey? AFVTI is safe environment where you can share you feelings. Please feel free to come back and update us. Stay strong and positive.

  42. 123Ahmet Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,

    Thank you very much for sharing your story with us, we really appreciate it. You did not deserve anything that has happened to you, the perpetrators. are the full ones to blame here. It is not okay for anyone to take advantage of another person, those people took advantage of you and need to deal with it themselves and have to deal with the guilt, not you. I hope that you can start your healing process for the bettering of your mental health because these situations can have an extremely heavy toll on the mind and body. If you ever feel the need to explore resources or are in need of one please click on the “Find Help” tab where there are many helpful resources to look at.

    – Ahmet

  43. Ana Espiritu Volunteer

    Hello stallernubula,

    Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you went through a traumatic experience at a young age. What happened to you wasn’t your fault. Having those flashback memories can be really difficult and taunting, and I know it’s hard to let go of those memories. Have you talked to someone about what happened to you? Did you ever talk to your parents about the situation? Sometimes what has to help victims when they go through a traumatic experience, they heal by journaling, seeing a therapist or outside activity such as jogging, learning how to play an instrument, that can help you, and finding a hobby such as painting. Finding this coping mechanism can help you heal and improve your self-esteem. I encourage you as well to look up our website at our Find Help tab for resources that may be beneficial. Know that you are important and we care for your well-being. You are always welcome to write back to us again. Stay strong!

    Sending Support & Love,
    Ana

  44. candyappleb Day Captain

    Hi stellarnebula,

    I am so sorry that you have gone through those experiences. You did not deserve what happened to you. Shutting down is an entirely normal response to traumatic experience and/or abuse. It is not your fault. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please feel free to post anytime. We believe you, we support you and we are happy to help you in anyway that we can. Take a moment and browse through our resource section. There are many organizations that may be local to you and can also support you in other ways.

    All the best,
    Becca

  45. CSUN Volunteer A.M Volunteer

    Hello Stellarnebula,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us .I am really sorry you had to go through that at such a young age, and I’m sorry your brother and your friend treated you that way. If you need professional assistance please feel free to txt VOICE 741-741 or go under Find Help Tab.
    Please keep us updated in the future
    Best of Luck
    A.M

  46. jenniferb Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,
    I want to thank you for sharing your story with us. I am sorry that you had to go through those experiences. Your foster brother and your friend took advantage of you and that is not okay. You did not deserve for this to happen and it is not your fault. I understand that it can be difficult to deal with this and I want to let you know that we have a “Find Help” tab that has different resources for you. You are such a strong person and we are always here to support you, so please feel free to come back and keep us updated. I am sending you lots of support, stay safe.

  47. ryannlashea Day Captain

    Hi, I am so sorry that you went through that. You are so strong. Thank you for trusting us with your story. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Neither one of them should’ve taken advantage of your trust and boundaries in that way. Please never hesitate to reach out if you need anything. We are all here for you!

  48. Karenv12 Volunteer

    Hello Stellarnebula,
    I would like to start off by saying that you are so brave for sharing your story with us, I know it was not something easy to do. I am so sorry that this happened to you and I want you to know that none of what you went through was your fault you did absolutely nothing wrong. it was not okay for your foster brother to take advantage of you, you were just a little girl and it also was not Okay for your friend to put you in that situation, she should have asked for consent and respected you. if you ever need to talk we are always here for you and if you ever need extra support you can click on the find help tab. Please keep us updated.
    sending you love and positivity,
    Karen

  49. pfuentes Volunteer

    Hey stellarnebula,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story, it must not have been easy to recall all those memories. I am very sorry this happened to you and your parents were not around enough to notice and put an end to it. Just know that none of this was your fault and you did nothing to deserve this. He had no right to take advantage of you but he did it anyway. It was also not okay for your friend to do what she did, especially without your consent. I hope you know we are here for you and always willing to listen without judgement. Take care.

    Pfuentes

  50. Tokyo_Kaneki Volunteer

    Hey there stellarnebula,
    Thank you for the immense courage you have shown by telling us your story. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Your foster brother never should have done that to you or the other two girls in the other foster home. What he did was wrong and I am so sorry that you have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Also, I am sorry for what the girl did to you but please do not think that it was ever your fault. She took advantage of you and the situation, that is not something a friend would do. It is okay that you had shut down, that is one way our body tries to protect us. Please know that we are all always here for you at AVFTI, we also have numerous resources that might be able to help you under out ‘get help’ tab. Another thing is that you can text ‘VOICE’ to 741 741. Hang in there, we hear you and we see you. Sending you lots of love and support.
    – J

  51. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for everything you went through. I hope you know that you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you. Your foster brother took advantage of your age and your naivety. There is absolutely no excuse for what he did to you, and I’m so sorry your childhood was tainted by that experience. As for your friend, what she did was not ok at all. I don’t blame you for shutting down – that must have been a really scary situation and there is no “right” way to handle an assault. Are you feeling ok now? Have you considered speaking to a professional about what you went through. They might be able to offer coping mechanisms to help you.

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. Feel free to check out our “Find Help” tab, if you’d like! There are tons of resources there that you may find helpful. Stay strong. We’re here for you.

    Marissa

  52. ericasarkisyan Volunteer

    I am so sorry about what happened to you and thank you so much for sharing your story with us, you are so brave. I can just imagine how these hazy memories haunt you and how hard it is to get those thoughts out of your head. We are all here for you and supporting you through your journey of healing. We will never judge you or make you feel responsible for the things you endured. You are not at fault for what happened to you. You are so deserving of love, respect and peace. I know you will find it one day. Please keep us updated on how you are feeling.

    With love,
    Erica

  53. CSUN Student1 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Thank you for taking the time and sharing your story with us, I am very sorry that all those horrific events occurred to you and I want to remind you that none of that was your fault at all. It is unfortunate to hear that the people that were close to you have caused this type of trauma, but you have to be strong and positive because I believe that you can do anything in life if you put your mind into it. We do have great resources on our website that you can look at and use if you need any help and also we are always here for support whenever you need us.
    Thank You

  54. lizzi

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Thank you for trusting us with this part of your story. I’m so sorry for what happened to you with your brother and your friend. It was wrong of both of them to do what they did to you. I can imagine it’s hard not quite remembering what happened with your brother, but knowing that he did something wrong. None of this was your fault, and neither of them should have touched you without your consent. I really encourage talking to a counselor about what happened so you can make sense of it all and work towards healing from the trauma. You deserve to be happy. Please know that we believe you, we support you, and we’re here for you if you want to post more.

  55. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend

    Thank you for sharing your story and i am really sorry your brother and your friend did those awful things to you. You didn’t deserve to go through that. None of what happened is your fault and just know you are most welcome to share on here as well. Take care of yourself! we are here for you!

  56. haesol Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m really sorry your brother and your friend did those awful things to you, you didn’t deserve to go through that. None of what happened is your fault; you had every right to give consent or not, and it’s them who didn’t listen.
    You’re welcome to check some hopefully helpful resources here: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/ I hope they can aid you some way. We are here for you, let us know if theres anything else we can do.

    Stay safe.

  57. Ramon Moran Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,
    You are strong for being able to share your story. Your voice is heard and you are not alone. These people had no right to put their hands on you and touch you inappropriately. No one should do anything to you unless you give them consent. Nothing that has happened to you is your fault. You have the right too your how body and no one else does. If you need further help check out the help tab up above or even text VOICE to 741-741 for further assistance. Stay strong and feel better -Ramon

  58. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that your foster brother and “friend” hurt you like that. You and your body deserve to be respected and treated with kindness and love, and I’m so sorry that they did not give this to you. None of this was your fault. I hope you were able to find some helpful resources under our Find Help tab. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. Also, feel free to come back anytime and share. You are an amazing human being who deserves happiness and love, and I wish you the best on your healing journey.

  59. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,

    I am so glad you found out about us. Thank you for coming here and trusting us with your story. It takes a lot of courage to come here and write this out and I know that must have been a difficult thing to do. You are very brave!

    I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of it. I hope you know that none of what happened to you was your fault and you did nothing wrong. I know it must have been difficult to go through those events and to deal with the memories and triggers many years later. You have come so far and we are proud of you! I hope that writing this story and hearing the comments helps and please feel free to come back at anytime to share more. We are here for you!

  60. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi stellarnebula,
    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. None of this is ur fault. That your foster brother and best friend did to you is not okay. It’s okay that you were scared. They put u in a scary position. If you need anything we are here for you. You can use our find help tab, text VOICE 741-741, and you can write back anytime. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  61. odishoe Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula, I am sorry this happened to you. I can imagine it feels horrible, but the only thing you can do is move forward and not to think about it too much even though it gets hard sometimes. looking back will only hurt you but if you need more help please click on FIND HELP tab on our website. thank you for sharing your story with us.

  62. jyoung Volunteer

    Hey stellarnebula,

    Thank you so much for trusting our community enough to share your story. I’m so sorry these things happened to you; I hope you know that none of it was your fault. You didn’t deserve anything your foster brother or “friend” did to you, and they had no right to betray you and your trust in the manner that they did. I completely understand your wish that this wasn’t real; you are truly so strong for everything you’ve had to go through. Please know that we hear you, and we’re here for you. If you ever need anything, I hope you never hesitate to reach out. Sending you the peace and happiness you deserve!

    Best,
    Jasmine

  63. Ashley Day Captain

    Thank you for taking the time to share your stories with our community, stellarnebula.

    I can only imagine how terrifying and unnerving it must have been when the memories began to emerge. It’s okay if you don’t want to ask if your foster brother raped you and if you don’t want to say it out loud; there’s no pressure.
    You were a child and your older brother had no right to disrespect your boundaries. It’s understandable that thinking about this memory makes you feel sick since your brother crossed a line. Our older siblings are supposed to care for and protect us, not inflict harm upon us.
    Your best friend shouldn’t have kissed you or pinned you to the bed. I’m thinking it was painful to cry about this all night and stare at the open window; I wish someone would have been there to comfort you during those moments.
    You are not to blame for their actions.
    We’re here for you. You’re safe here.

    Ashley

  64. Lusine05 Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,
    I know it was hard, but thank you for sharing your story with us. You did everything you could to survive it; it was never your fault. I am glad that you are safe now. It is good that you realized why you were playing with your toys like that; finding the root of the problem will help you to get away from it all. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and we will do everything to make you feel better. If you click on the ” Find Help,” you will find various helpful resources such as anonymous free counseling. Remember, we are here for you!
    Stay safe and strong,
    -L

  65. Caitlin Volunteer

    Stellanebula,

    I am so glad you decided to share your story with us. It must be really hard and confusing and painful to put all these pieces together years later. I hope you have some trusted people to help you navigate this and be there for support. You didn’t do anything wrong. You deserve to be respected and treated with kindness and I am sorry that didn’t happen.

    Thank you for sharing your story.

    -Caitlin

  66. chompyapple1 Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that these things happened to you and none of it was caused by you. You didn’t deserve to be treated like that by your foster brother and “friend”. We believe you; you are not alone. If you need anything, we are always here to listen to you and our Find Help tab has some amazing resources for healing. Stay strong and take care.

  67. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    I’m so sorry that these things happened to you. None of this was your fault. Your foster brother and “friend” should have never treated you that way. You always deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. They chose to do what they did and that’s on them, not you. I know it can be hard to share your story, but we believe you. You are not alone. You can find additional resources under our “Find Help” tab. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please let us know how else we can help. Stay strong.

  68. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    Thanks for sharing with us and welcome to AVFTI. I know it takes a lot of courage to share, but you are in a safe place here! You did not deserve to be treated like that by your brother or your “friend”. What happened was not your fault. Especially at such a young age, you don’t really understand what is going on. You expect those people to take care of you and playing with those toys was probably just a way for you to process what happened.
    I am sorry you had to go through it again with your “friend”. It is totally normal to freeze and not know how to react in those situations. It does not mean that you wanted it to happen and it does not make the situation okay.
    Our “Find Help” tab has a variety of resources if you feel like you could use some additional support.

  69. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Stellarnebula,

    Welcome! I am so glad you found us and shared your story. What your foster brother and friend did to you was not okay. You did not deserve any of that. You responded in the only way you could at the time, there’s nothing wrong with that. You did what you needed to do, which was survive. It’s common for folks who have experienced harm as children to not understand it, not know what to do, repress it, or have it leak out in other ways like during playtime. You’re not alone in that. What do you need to begin healing from this? I recommend checking out our “find help” tab. You can also share here anytime you want as you process and heal from this. We are here for you!

    KatherineL

  70. Jiggy Volunteer

    Hey stellarnebula,
    I am sorry that your foster brother and “friend” have done these horrible things to you. None of this is your fault, as a child we do not know anything about sex so we are not able to process it. Our minds protect us so we distort the experience, it is only when we are grown that we may see the picture clearly. From what I can gather, your former friend sounds like she has problems of her own. But that does not mean she can force herself on you, her problems does not mean she can take it out on anyone. It is not your fault for listening, there was no way you could have known what would happen. I hope you will recover from these events and are able to live a happy life.

  71. VolunteerNem Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,
    I am sorry you had to go through that at such a young age. You are really strong and brave to share your story. Selfcare is very important and I hope you are taking care of your well being during this time. If you need an help please let us know or just use the “Find Help” tab at the top. Please keep us updated and stay safe.

  72. zelda Day Captain

    Welcome, Stellar! Thank you for sharing your story with us. You’re very brave to talk about your traumas. I’m so sorry you have been abused and assaulted. Is there anything we can do at AVFTI to help you? We have resources in the Find Help tab. Just let us know.

    You deserve so much more than what you got in life, and you should not have had to be so strong and resilient at such an early age.

    I hope you can find peace and healing soon. You deserve happiness.

  73. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for what happened. You didn’t deserve to be harmed by either of these people, and none of this was your fault. I understand wishing it wasn’t real. I still feel that feeling sometimes, even after all this time. It sort of feels like a dream. Is there anything more we can do to support you? You can come back anytime-we are here for you, we believe you, we support you.

    Erin

  74. colton95 Volunteer

    I’m really sorry for what your foster brother and former best friend did to you. You did not deserve to go through that at all, and I hope that they are experiencing some guilt and consequences for the horrible things they did. If you’re okay with it, you could click on the FIND HELP tab on this site to find someone who you could possibly trust and talk about how you’re feeling and what you went through. I hope that you will be okay. Stay strong and positive!

  75. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi stellarnebula,

    Thank you for posting your story. If you think something happened, it very well may have. I think you are right about how your play as a child may have been an acting out of what happened to you. Maybe your body and brain are feeling comfortable/safe enough now to face some of this stuff. I don’t know. But it sounds like what happened later to you triggered the way you felt about your brother. It may be really helpful to talk this through with a trained professional. I hope that you are safe now. I am sorry that these things happened and that you are struggling with them now.

  76. oscarl2 Volunteer

    Hello stellarnebula,
    Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry for what has happened to you. Just know that what happened to you is not your fault. Feeling frozen and not being able to do anything is actually a very common reaction when being assaulted so don’t feel bad for not being able to do something. Please feel free to come back if you need more support and you can always refer to the “find help” tab on the AVFTI website or you can text “VOICE” to 741 741 for more support. Hopefully you being to feel better in your path to healing.
    Best wishes,
    oscarl2