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I just need to get this off my chest. I’ve been thinking a lot about him and what he did to me. He raped me, filmed it, and proceeded to share those videos with other men. (I found out about this when a friend who ran in our same social circle told me.) Anyway there were other instances too, like him encouraging me to drive drunk just so I could give him head, which is ironic and pathetic because he’s a recovering alcoholic. Or the times he would force me and pressure me into taking pics and making vids of myself masturbating. 

I know I’ve already written about him a couple of times but I’m still so angry. He gets to live his life untouched and unharmed while he left me with scars. He was my first and he definitely didn’t deserve my body, but he had his way with me anyway. I wish he was dead, but from the looks of it on Facebook, he’s living his best life. I never got any justice and I’m still pissed about it to this day.

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  1. Leximcclelland Volunteer

    I’m so sorry for what you went through. You deserve to feel angry, I don’t blame you.
    Maybe try finding an outlet to express how you feel? Sometimes that helps me to have something else to focus on that brings happiness.
    I hope you are doing well and taking care of you.
    We are always here if you need tog RT things off your chest.
    – Lexi

  2. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear zelda,

    I think the anger you are feeling is more than justified. I hope that by coming onto our website and continuing to share your stories with us has helped you in some way shape or form, and has allowed you to maybe find closure in some aspects. I am so sorry that what Justin did to you was many of your first experiences. None of your firsts should have to be like this… Perhaps you can block him on social media? That way you do not have to see what he is up to. This might help in some mental and emotional ways by not having to see what he is doing. It could be healthier for you in the long run. What are some things that you like to do to decompress and focus on yourself? Make sure you take the time to focus on yourself and the things that make you happy, I think that can be one of the most important things someone could do when reliving bad memories, having a bad day, or overall, just stressed. Keep your head up <3 thinking of you.

    – Jordan

  3. Kayla Volunteer


    Your feelings are valid, you have every right to feel this way. I’m sorry that you haven’t received the justice you deserve. I agree with some of the comments below – you should block him on Facebook and anywhere else you may come into contact. It can be traumatizing to see him again, and to see aspects of his life that are good when he’s done so much wrong. I know there’s probably curiosity about what he’s doing, but remember that online personas aren’t usually accurate. You know what he’s capable of and whatever he presents online won’t admit that. It’s best just to ignore and block him online completely, in my opinion.

    Sending you love,

  4. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry you experienced this. Your frustration and anger is understandable and expected. What he did to you is unfair and cruel. You didn’t deserve any of it and none of it was your fault. I hope these comments are reassuring and give you a piece of justice that you are seeking.

    Stay strong!

  5. Lizzi

    It’s so unfair that you have to live your life with this trauma while he gets to run free and have no consequences for what he did to you. I hate it so much when justice isn’t served and the victim is left to suffer. It’s understandable to be pissed. I’m pissed for you. I’m sorry for what he did to you. Stay angry if that helps you right now. There’s nothing wrong with that. I hope that at some point you can get some peace so you don’t have to live your life angry, but for now, do what feels right.

  6. Harton.13 Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    I hope that repeatedly sharing on here is helping you heal. Your anger and hate towards him, as it exhausting as it might be some days, is totally valid. You were violated and never got any justice or closure for it, and I’m so sorry for that. No one deserves to be treated the way he treated you, but you are not alone. We are always here for you!


  7. Megan Volunteer

    Hey zelda,

    I’m really sorry that this happened to you. You deserve to be treated so much better. And I’m sorry that you never got any justice. It’s really sad that our justice system often fails to provide punishments to perpetrators of sexual violence, and it’s completely not right. It’s okay that you’re still angry. Your feelings are totally valid. You’re allowed to be angry and you’re allowed to feel any other emotions you are feeling. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Healing happens in so many different ways and on so many different timelines, and that’s okay.

    As always, we are here for you and we support you,

  8. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    I’m so sorry about these awful things that Justin did to you. None of it was ever your fault. It’s okay to still be angry about it. There is no time limit on the healing process or any range of different emotions. Please always feel free to share anything you as much as you need to in your healing process. We’re always here to listen. We believe you, and we’re here to support you every step of the way.

    All the best,

  9. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    Your anger is valid and completely understandable. It’s so unfair that you didn’t get justice and that he put you in danger in so many ways. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and what he did wasn’t your fault. I think it could help to block him/not look him up on Facebook. It can be irritating and possibly re-traumatizing to see someone who hurt you on social media. Usually people post their highlights on social media, so what he’s posting may not be an accurate reflection of how his life is now.
    Thank you for the update. We’re here for you, and we’re glad you’re sharing. You can get through this.

  10. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry he put you through so much you didn’t deserve any of it. It was not fair you had received no justice and i wish things could have turned different for you. You have a right to be angry and upset. Thank you for trusting us and for keep on coming back. We are here for you and truly care.

  11. musicislove

    I’m so sorry he put you through so much, you didn’t deserve any of it. It’s not fair that you didn’t get justice and I wish things could turn out different for you. You have every right to be angry and upset. Thank you for trusting us to keep coming back and sharing with us, we’re always here for you.


  12. zelda Volunteer


    I don’t have the videos on me and I don’t have Justin’s number anymore. So I couldn’t ask him for them. Otherwise I would’ve brought the police those vids.

  13. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Zelda- I’m so sorry this happened to you. We believe you and are here for you. Some men are cruel and horrible. If you feel that it would be a good option for you, are you able to gain access to the video and share it with police? I’m not sure what that statute of limitations is in your state. Of course, I hope you only pursue this route if you feel comfortable doing so. 800.656. HOPE (4673). We are honored you keep coming to us.


  14. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, zelda. I’m so sorry he did that to you. You did not deserve that at all and I’m sorry he wasn’t brought to justice. I wish the legal system helped victims of these crimes more. I think you are very strong for making it through all that. Thanks for sharing your story.

  15. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened. You absolutely did not deserve for him to do these things to you. Thank you for continuing to trust us and updating us on how you’re feeling. We are always here and we believe you. If sharing with us continues to help, please do so. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3

  16. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    You can be angry. You have every right to be angry. I’m so sorry about what happened. You deserve so much better. I hope continuing to share with us is helpful. We are here for you. Thank you for sharing with us.


  17. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    Thanks for coming to get this off your chest. So you know, you never have to apologize about revisiting the same person or issue – trauma takes a long time to heal. You can come and talk whenever you need! It is what this space is for. I am so sorry he violated you like this and treated you this way. You did not deserve this and it is completely understandable that you are angry. I would be too. It is important to remember that social media is biased and the person can post whatever they want, but typically it is a distorted rosy-colored view of their life. Peoples’ lives often appear better than they actually are. I really hope you are kind and compassionate with yourself while you are dealing with this.

    Sending you love and strength,

  18. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear zelda,
    This is a place to get it all out. You can write about it as often and as much as you need to help you feel better. It is okay to feel angry. Hear the message that anger is trying to give you and use to move yourself forward. Use it to do something wonderful for yourself or for someone else. I know it sucks to see that someone is thriving when you know that they have done horrible things. Remember though, social media only shows us what the other person wants us to see. Yes, there may be happy events, but no one’s life is 100% easy and happy. Maybe make a commitment to yourself that you will not check up on him and see if that helps you some; it is what I had to do with my ex. I try not to ever think about him (which is difficult because we have a daughter together) and it has made me feel so much lighter and happier.
    Sending you love and strength,

  19. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry that you went through that and feel you never got the justice you deserve. We are always here for you to listen and to support you, so please let us know if there is anything we can do to help. Stay strong <3

  20. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi zelda,
    I’m sorry that he did all that to you. That is horrible and not okay. You can write about him as much as you want. This is a safe place to say anything you want to write about. If you need anything we are here for you. Thank you for always updating us on what you are thinking about and what is on your mind.

  21. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi zelda,

    Thanks for updating us. I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot. It’s disgusting that he took advantage of your body and pressured and coerced you like that. Not only was his behavior disturbing, but it also put you in real danger. I understand why you’re so angry at him, but it might help to speak with a therapist about what’s been weighing on you. Maybe they could help you find a constructive outlet? Either way, we’re here for you – no matter what you choose to do. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help lessen your burden at all. Stay strong.


  22. Solongago

    Yeah, me too. My brothers have spouses and they each have a kid. Each kid finished college. They are on track for having their kids marry and give them grandchildren. It sucks. Really. Because they never were held to any account. I am the one who holds the secret. I am the one who has the scars. I am the one paying out the nose for therapy. It sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks!

    I’m right there with you and understand how you are feeling. It isn’t fair. But then, who said it would be. We have to be true to ourselves and trust that they really may look like they have it better, but they don’t, deep down.

  23. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi zelda,

    Thank you for coming back, im sorry you have so much weighing on your mind. But all the emotions you are feeling are completely valid. We believe you and we are all here for you, and if you ever need to talk to someone right away you can text VOICE to 741-741. This will get you in touch with a crisis counsellor. You can do this at any time. But you are always welcome back here. Just know you don’t have to go through this alone. Be kind to yourself