October is a weird month for me, emotionally. One the one hand it’s pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. I’ve suffered five miscarriages. Three of which were fathered by my ex (rapist/abuser for those just joining the saga) and two with my current husband. That sents a somber tone for the month. I’ve worked through the grief cycle for each loss, so I no longer grieve for my angel babies, but the mood is still serene as I reflect. On the second hand, it’s also domestic violence awareness month which ties into the abusive facet of the relationship with my ex. On top of both of those other things, every two years my ex goes through an identity crisis that varies in severity depending on what’s going on in his personal life at the time. I have no idea what’s going on in his personal life right now, but I can sense the shift and tell how much effort he’s putting into his cyberstalking. It’s a reliable pattern.
In the past, he’s either lashed out at me or become extremely reckless and ended up hurting himself. I don’t know whether to call his behaviors truly self-harm since it seems more like he just loses focus and gets more easily distracted leading to legitimate accidents that hurt him. It’s pretty much a coin toss which side of him will make an appearance in the middle of his crisis. He has at least one alternate personality that surfaces every once and a while and that alter is dangerous. I’m not concerned with him or his mental state any other time, except for biannually October-December.
So that’s kind of in the back of my mind, which creates the internal conflict of my own: why the hell I give two shits about the man who raped and abused me. I’d say it’s my PTSD throwing irrational thoughts at me during a traumatic anniversary cycle, except these events are currently still happening. He’s still shifting every two years, and with his shifts come the potential for him to lash out at me or my family. This isn’t something that happened IN MY PAST. This is CURRENTLY HAPPENING so I don’t really know what that means.
I’m coping as well as I can. These emotional issues haven’t interfered with my outside life at all. They’re just flitting around in my head and I don’t really have a good place to share them aside from here right now. I’m trying to keep my venting off my personal website to keep him from obsessing over it. I don’t know that it’s really working, but at least I’m making the effort. *sigh* Thanks for listening everyone.