I’ve had enough

I’ve had enough

369 17

I got thinking recently of the hell that I’ve had to endure over 40 years, and it makes me cry unceasingly, other times I wish I could have 5 minutes with my tormenters in where I could do exactly what they did to me.

I know it’s been a while, I had to forgive myself for what happened, about two weeks ago I got the worst phone call anyone could ever have, a friend of Crystal’s had told me that she had taken her life, by overdosing.

I sat in the dark that whole night blaming myself for how it all went down, she was there for me, perhaps like me she needed me to be there for her.

It all makes sense now, she was a victim of a horrific event, had come to the one she thought loved her, as she loved me.

It was a perfect recipe two people who are victims who love each other more than anything else, I only hope that nobody thinks the worst about me, I’m so fucked up now, I don’t know what to do

I’m not sure but I know I can’t go on like this, feeling like I’m useless, someone’s slave, as my mother calls me hers, while I just lost the most important person in my life.

I can’t take the nights of sleepless nights.

I can’t take people making me feel ashamed, and guilty.

I just am at the point, that I want help, I want understanding, I want to feel safe, and I don’t want this toxic poison air that I’ve breathed for do long.

Through tears I’m writing you to forgive me for taking forever to do something, I beg you for help regarding so much that I could never begin to thank you, I beg you again to help me in anyway you can, even if it’s just talking.

Please respond, even if I know someone is there, it would greatly help.


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17 comments

  1. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m really, really sorry for your loss. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened – this wasn’t your fault at all. Your mutual love was real, and the memories you shared with Crystal are precious.
    This must be a very difficult time for you, and again, I’m very sorry that you’re going through this. I hope you’re doing okay, and I hope you can find a way to distance yourself from the toxic environment you’re in.
    I want to let you know that you’re not alone. We’ll always be here to support and listen to you. Thank you for reaching out to us. Please let us know if you need anything. You’re very strong and resilient, and we believe in you.

  2. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Focus,
    My heart goes out to you. I am very sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved Crystal. Dont blame yourself. It wasn’t your fault. I know it may feel like it but it wasnt. You gave her some amazing times and she knew she was loved. And she loved you. Hold on to those memories, cherish them. Do something you to did in her memory. I know it hurts immensely right now and I wish I could take away your pain. But we are here for you. And you can write to us anytime. Know the that you are important and you aren’t usless. I know its hard to not feel guilty but try not to. She wouldn’t want that. Stay strong. Much love
    Kristin

  3. BriGriffith Volunteer

    focus.1968,

    I’m so, so sorry for your loss. It’s never easy losing someone, especially someone so important to you. It sounds like you’ve overcome so much in your life, and I’m so proud of you. Thank you for trusting us with your story. AVFTI will always be here to read your words/listen to you. Please look under the “Get Help” tab for helpful resources. There may be something there for you. You deserve to feel loved, supported, and safe. You are so brave for making it here, for pushing through both fear and hurt. Please know that you can always share your thoughts and feelings here. I’m sending you all my love. I know this must be so difficult for you, but you are never alone, no matter how alone you may feel. Wishing you the very best moving forward, and feel free to keep us updated.

    – Bri

  4. Marie

    We are here for you. Please call a crisis hotline such as RAINN 1-800-656-4673 or Peace Over Violence 626.793.3385 | 310.392.8381 | 213.626.3393

    You need someone to talk to it sounds like. You can reach out to us anytime but if you need someone immediately try the above. I’ve called Peace Over Violence several times. There’s no judgement, no shame.

    You are not at fault for anything that happened to you. Don’t forget that you are worth forgiveness for anything you may feel you did “wrong” or came from a place of confusion. No one is perfect.

    Thank you for reaching out. Please continue to do so.

  5. blashea Volunteer

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much she meant to you, as I’m sure she did. This is in no way your fault and there is nothing that you could’ve done differently. We are all here for you and we all support you. You deserve to be happy. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us or one of the hotlines, if you need to. You can text VOICE to 741-741 and be connected with a counselor. I know it is hard right now, but hang in there. We have seen your strength over and over again. You are so strong and so brave.

    1. focus.1968

      Sometimes I wonder how much more can a person take?

      It’s been like this for 37 years, how much can a person stand?

      And yet, you right, I keep rising up, I keep getting up.

  6. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,
    I don’t have words to convey the enormity of what I am feeling for you right now. I am so sorry for you loss and I want you to know that it was not your fault. No matter what, remember the love that you and Crystal had for each other and know that it was real. Please take care of yourself and find the help you need. Contact the Crisis Text line, RAINN (1-800-656-4673), or even the National Suicide Hotline(1-800-273-8255) Our AVFTI community cares about you and we want to know that you are safe. We are always here to listen and send you virtual hugs.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

    1. focus.1968

      Thanks , for the support
      There are days that are easier than others. Yes I’ve returned to help out with my mom, there is a slight change, she has her friend, who is so rude, and abusive to me. I can’t wait yo get out of the House, before she wakes up.
      Everyday she condemns everything I do, the way I look, my past, my future, you name it she condemns me. My mother is just as bad condemning Crystal as soon as the sun rises to sundown.

      Each day is a struggle, but I can know I can make it, thank you again.

  7. Solongago

    Oh man, I am so sorry. Text Voice, or chat on line with the RAINN people. But if you can, get into see someone. If you are afraid, go to your ER. This is devastating. I know. Words all seem totally empty. I don’t know what to say that can help you. I want to say that we are here for you, but we aren’t here 24/7. If you need to talk to someone now, call and reach out. Know that we care, I care about you. Please be kind to yourself during this time.

  8. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,
    i’m so sorry for your loss. Please don’t blame yourself as it’s important to remember that it is not your fault. you shouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty, there are people who just don’t understand but we are here for you. You are not alone. You will get through this and if we can help any further please let us know.
    Kailey

  9. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, focus.1968. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this. I can’t imagine the loss you’re feeling. Please don’t blame yourself for what happened to Crystal. Sometimes we don’t have the power to stop things like this from happening. Remember there are people out there who understand and want to help, like us. Do what you can to make yourself feel safe and escape the toxicity. You can get through this, we believe in you. Please let us know if we can do anything else to help.

    1. focus.1968

      The idea that I wasn’t able to do something troubles me a little, I’ve had a few people who have died in similar ways, its one of the most helpless feelings we can have, but each day is better than before.
      I talked with her aunt yesterday, and she thanked me for being there for her at the end. Nobody apparently knew how bad she was feeling, including me.

  10. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. This isn’t your fault. She could have overdosed while you were with her too. You can’t blame that on yourself. If you need immediate help you can text VOICE to 741-741. You don’t deserve to have your mom or anyone treat you liked a slave.
    -Alyssa

    1. focus.1968

      I think the hardest part was that she died alone, nobody should ever go through that.
      But you’re right, she could have done this weather or not had I decided to stay in the relationship.
      Thanks for the support.

      1. Alyssa Day Captain

        I know dying alone is painful especially when it was an overdose, she could have been saved. Remember everything sadly happens for a reason. There is a reason she did this. Just continue to stay strong. That is what she would have wanted for you.
        -Alyssa

  11. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    There’s nothing to forgive. I’m so sorry for your tragic loss. It isn’t your fault that she took her own life, even if it feels that way. Please text VOICE to 741 741 if you need more immediate help.

    Erin

  12. Jamie Marie Volunteer

    My condolences to you, and Crystal’s loved ones. I know she loved you greatly, and I know you loved her enough, too. My heart breaks for you, and I wish there was something I can do or say to make it okay.
    But just know we’re all here for you, no matter what. We’ll help you come to terms with this every step of the way, but go easy on yourself as well.
    If there’s anything we can do for help, even if it’s just listening and giving advice, we’ll gladly do it.
    Once more, I’m so sorry for your loss.