I got thinking recently of the hell that I’ve had to endure over 40 years, and it makes me cry unceasingly, other times I wish I could have 5 minutes with my tormenters in where I could do exactly what they did to me.
I know it’s been a while, I had to forgive myself for what happened, about two weeks ago I got the worst phone call anyone could ever have, a friend of Crystal’s had told me that she had taken her life, by overdosing.
I sat in the dark that whole night blaming myself for how it all went down, she was there for me, perhaps like me she needed me to be there for her.
It all makes sense now, she was a victim of a horrific event, had come to the one she thought loved her, as she loved me.
It was a perfect recipe two people who are victims who love each other more than anything else, I only hope that nobody thinks the worst about me, I’m so fucked up now, I don’t know what to do
I’m not sure but I know I can’t go on like this, feeling like I’m useless, someone’s slave, as my mother calls me hers, while I just lost the most important person in my life.
I can’t take the nights of sleepless nights.
I can’t take people making me feel ashamed, and guilty.
I just am at the point, that I want help, I want understanding, I want to feel safe, and I don’t want this toxic poison air that I’ve breathed for do long.
Through tears I’m writing you to forgive me for taking forever to do something, I beg you for help regarding so much that I could never begin to thank you, I beg you again to help me in anyway you can, even if it’s just talking.
Please respond, even if I know someone is there, it would greatly help.