I came back from seeing Karen today and practically bit my mother’s head off. I came in the door and she said, It’s Brian’s and Rush’s birthday. I did not say anything, and she was walking behind me and I thought she asked me if I e-mailed him. I asked rather vehemently, “Why would I e-mail him?!?” She said she was talking to my dad. And she was. Ugh!
Well, I am still pissed off at my brother.
I talked a lot about leaving the group to Karen. We talked about her notes. She said she doesn’t mind sharing them with me. Maybe not the whole of them, but she doesn’t mind reading what she has written. I was like really??? No, you don’t have to. Ah well, she said it was normal to have some trouble adjusting. She was being positive about it, that is her job. We talked about why she suggested the IOP in the first place, and how we felt about that. She generally does not suggest the IOP unless someone is not functioning at all, but I was coming regularly, and she felt she’d run the idea by me. She said that I told her I had thought about it. I had thought that a group would be something I might need to do.
Groups are actually really good because there’s a therapist, but the other folks are not trained in how to react to stuff. So I am getting what “normal” folks think, verbally and non-verbally. She understood what I was saying, but got a kick out of it all the same.
We talked a lot about why I don’t want to start up a group, what was mentioned here. Mostly about suicide and not wanting to be in a position where I feel responsible for doing something or not doing something that contributed to someone completing that.
I told her why Cathy told me to make another appointment. She won’t be there Saturday, so we set up a few more, one on Thursday and one on the following Tuesday. That’s when she said it is normal to have some trouble adjusting.
The time was ticking. There was so much to discuss. I can’t remember everything. But I mentioned my brother’s birthday, and no I am not doing anything for that. But, we were talking about my sister being the birthday police and my dad letting me know just after midnight this morning, and I don’t know how we got into her talking about OA meetings, but that got me into the last discussion.
I talked about the guy in group who is an alcoholic and how he goes to meetings every day, and can go to more than one in a day, and reads the big book, and went to see the place where the founder lived. And I am thinking how different it is for me. Everyone tells this fellow that that is good, go to these meetings, read the book. And I am thinking balance it out a bit, find some things that don’t include drinking buddies or recovering alcoholics. That was totally ignored of course. Everyone knows best what works for them, I sure don’t. But with Alcoholism, people encourage you to work a program, to go to meetings every day, to do the steps, and on and on. When you are working on sexual abuse, folks tell you you should be over it by now — no 20, 30, 40 years sober for you. A meeting every day??? You are lucky if you can find a group you can join in six months. Nobody wants to talk about it, and they do not encourage you either. They want you to not think about it, you can’t change it, so what is the use, and it only brings you down.
Well, anyway, Karen was really good today. She asked me some direct questions, that I avoided and she let me. But mostly we talked a lot about a lot of stuff. I am looking forward to Tuesday, and that feels good right now.
Thanks for reading.