I debated a while before deciding to come back & share because I kept telling myself what I want to share really isn’t all that important….but it is because it’s bugging me, so here I am.
The issue I’m struggling with is lost memories that have returned. I spent awhile living in another state. This time was not a good experience. It was so bad of an experience that my mind blocked out even the town’s name in which I lived. A couple weeks ago, I began to have some memories related to my time at this place. I shared them briefly with my therapist & said, I didn’t want to make more out of these memories not knowing if the events happened. She suggested I journal about them. (thinking that could help me put the pieces of the events together) My mind couldn’t just leave them burried. I went home & tried to journal, but instead, these memories flooded me so much I could hardly see from the tears flowing.
I still can’t remember the town but do remember what happened. 3 different incidents all with in a few months. I was hopitalized for 11 weeks for depression (2 different hospitals). The first incident, I ended up in the “padded room” (isolation/safety room) while at the first hospital. I had a huge burn like or deep cut (probably from self harm) the reason, I had no clue how it got there but do now. I was sexually made fun of by other patients & someone’s hand over my mouth while hands touched me all over. I couldn’t handle this so I shut down. I dissociated. (hence the padded room stay & the cut)
The second incident happened while I was staying in a homeless shelter after my discharge from the first hospital. It was a co-ed shelter. The men were on one side of the building with their rooms & the women on the other side with their rooms. The bathroom was shared by both & not much privacy. I walked down the hallway to my room when I was stopped. Someone had grabbed me. He held me for what seemed a long time (even though it was only a couple minutes). As he held me, his hands were on me, one was in my pants the other on my arm. I went to my room & cried until I fell asleep
The third incident happened when I was attending an out patient program set up from the second hospital. I had to ride a cable car train to the site of the program. 3 different times while on this cable car ride, things happened. Someone exposing theirselves, someone touching me, & rubbing against me. I don’t know if it was the same person, or even the same time. I just remember 3 different times. I looked up pictures of these cable cars just to see if that would help. I didn’t just remember the events, by seeing the images of the train cars, but had a whole body memory attached. I turned off the image & just shook my head in disbelief.
I have been healing from all my abuse for a long time, & know that I will always have memories & things that will be triggers. I have learned lots of self care techniques that have helped. I don’t understand though why these incidents have become such a block. I mean I think of these & try not to because I don’t want to believe any of it. I am having an hard time processing the details. I tried journaling, but my mind wanders. I’m not able to see my therapist due to the corona virus. So, I come on here to share, but also say I’m really struggling with these new memories. I’m sorry for sharing this long, but I guess I’m in need of support.