It’s all coming back

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I debated a while before  deciding to come back & share  because I kept telling myself what I want to share really isn’t all that important….but it is because it’s bugging me, so here I am.

 The issue I’m struggling with is lost memories that have returned. I spent awhile living in another state. This time was not a good experience. It was so bad of an experience that my mind blocked out even the town’s name in which I lived. A couple weeks ago, I began to have some memories related to my time at this place. I shared them briefly with my therapist & said, I didn’t want to make more out of these memories not knowing if the events happened. She suggested I journal about them. (thinking that could help me put the pieces of the events together) My mind couldn’t just leave them burried. I went home & tried to journal, but instead, these memories flooded me so much I could hardly see from the tears flowing. 

I still can’t remember the town but do remember what happened. 3 different incidents all with in a few months. I was hopitalized for 11 weeks for depression (2 different hospitals). The first incident, I ended up in the “padded room” (isolation/safety room) while at the first hospital. I had a huge burn like or deep cut (probably from self harm) the reason, I had no clue how it got there but do now. I was sexually made fun of by other patients & someone’s hand over my mouth while hands touched me all over. I couldn’t handle this so I shut down. I dissociated. (hence the padded room stay & the cut)

The second incident happened while I was staying in a homeless shelter after my discharge from the first hospital. It was a co-ed shelter. The men were on one side of the building with their rooms & the women on the other side with their rooms. The bathroom was shared by both & not much privacy. I walked down the hallway to my room when I was stopped. Someone had grabbed me. He held me for what seemed a long time (even though it was only a couple minutes). As he held me, his hands were on me, one was in my pants the other on my arm. I went to my room & cried until I fell asleep

The third incident happened when I was attending an out patient program set up from the second hospital. I had to ride a cable car train to the site of the program. 3 different times while on this cable car ride, things happened. Someone exposing theirselves,  someone touching me, & rubbing against me. I don’t know if it was the same person, or even the same time. I just  remember 3 different times. I looked up pictures of these cable cars just to see if that would help.  I didn’t just remember the events,  by seeing the images of the train cars, but had a whole body memory attached. I turned off the image & just shook my head in disbelief.

I have been healing from all my abuse for a long time, & know that I will always have memories & things that will be triggers. I have learned lots of self care techniques that have helped. I don’t understand though why these incidents have become such a block. I mean I think of these & try not to because I don’t want to believe any of it. I am having an hard time processing the details. I tried journaling, but my mind wanders. I’m not able to see my therapist due to the corona virus. So, I come on here to share, but also say I’m really struggling with these new memories. I’m sorry for sharing this long, but I guess I’m in need of support.

 


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23 comments

  1. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello dzreid,

    Thank you for deciding to come back to tell us what’s on your mind.

    Since you are unable to recall the name of the town, I can tell that the memories associated with that place are unnerving. I commend you for going home and attempting to journal. Also, I commend you for looking at photos of the train cars. It’s not abnormal that you want to understand what happened and I’m thinking it’s frustrating that the memories are blocked right now. While you were staying in the hospitals and the homeless shelter, I wish that your boundaries would have been respected so you could have received the help and support that you deserved.
    As others have mentioned, some therapists are having sessions via phone and/or video chat; what has your therapist said about continuing to provide therapy during the pandemic? If your therapist can’t be available, we’re here to support you.
    I encourage you to tap into the self-care techniques that have helped you.

    Ashley

  2. musicislove

    Hi dzreid,

    There is no need to apologize for sharing what your dealing with or how long your description is. We’re here for you whenever you need us! Dealing with suppressed memories coming up is so hard, especially right now with the quarantine because theres not much of a chance to do things to deal with what you’re going through, you’re forced to feel everything. None of what happened to you was your fault and I can’t imagine how all of this must feel for you coming up all at once. If journaling isn’t helping you maybe you could try one of the other self care techniques that help you. Meditation, exercise, drawing or other forms of art, all of that can be helpful. Like others have suggested, maybe you should find out if a phone/video session would be possible with your therapist. Be gentle with yourself and know we’re here whenever you need us.

    Delaney

  3. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello dzreid,

    Welcome back! I agree, if something is bugging you it is important. Your feelings are always valid! I’m glad you went with your gut and came to talk about what was going on, this shows lots of strength.

    I’m so sorry to hear about those three experiences that happened in that town you were living in. That’s a lot to deal with in such a short amount of time. For most people, moving to a new city is stressful enough. You moved to a new city and had not so good experiences piled on top of that. Thank you for sharing with us about these three incidents, that took a lot of courage. I know struggling with these new memories is tough.

    I once heard someone say that when lost memories return, it means that you are now strong enough to deal with them. I know that these memories are really hard to process, but you’re doing a great job! I’m glad your therapist is helping out as well, I hope having a therapist can helped process these too. Once this virus is over I hope you’re able to go back if you feel the need. I’m glad that you’ve learned lots of self care techniques. I totally understand your thoughts on journaling! My mind wanders too I don’t know how people can do it.

    You are always welcome to come here and share anything with us and we will support you any way we can 🙂

    1. jcas120 Volunteer

      *help not helped (third paragraph), my bad on the typo! lol

  4. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi dzreid,
    What you have to say is important, and you can share whenever you need to. There’s no need to apologize for sharing, and you can share as much or as little as you want!
    I can’t imagine how difficult it is to cope with these repressed memories, and it’s understandable that processing the details is hard to do. You were not at fault for what happened, and you didn’t deserve it. I think these incidents were blocked out because your brain was trying to protect you. Your brain might feel that it’s safe enough to reveal these to you now.
    It’s okay if your mind wanders during journaling. It may help to try some of the other self care techniques. When you feel ready to journal, you can always go back to that. Do whatever you feel is most helpful to you and your healing.
    It may help to ask your therapist if you can do video call/phone sessions. By doing this, you can still have the help you need to process these memories.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here to support you – no matter how long your story is, what you want to talk about, etc. Please take care of yourself!

  5. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey Friend

    It is really important to share any information you are going through. You expressing your thoughts on here is so important. I know it can be overwhelming and continue to share. We are here for you while you processing and coping with what you been through. Stay Strong!

  6. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Whatever you want to share is absolutely important. What you’re going through is tough, and it causing you distress so please continue to come share with us whenever you’d like. We are here for you while you’re processing and coping with what you’ve been through. Stay strong!

    KatherineL

  7. mocha1821 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story with us! I’m very sorry this happened to you. None of what happened was your fault. I’m very sorry that you do not have access to your therapist right now. Is there any way you could see them digitally or maybe by phone? You never have to apologize for needing support! Know that all of us are here for you and you are always welcome to share your thoughts and feelings here. You can also check out the Find Resources tab. Maybe that will have something you can use?

  8. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hello dzreid,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and memories with us. I am so sorry you had to experience all that. You didn’t deserve all that hurt and pain. Is there any way you can communicate with your therapist? Maybe via phone or webcam? Keep fighting and know that we are always here for you.
    -Marie

  9. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    You’re always welcome to come share your thoughts. We’re here to support you the best that we can. You didn’t deserve to be hurt, and it’s understandable that your brain would have blocked these memories with them being so close together and overwhelming. If journaling isn’t necessarily working right now, do you have any other self-care/self-soothing methods to try? Grounding exercises can be helpful when you’re experiencing flashbacks and dissociation. It might also be worthwhile to reach out to your therapist about doing sessions over the phone. My therapist has been doing phone sessions and video sessions (through this platform called doxy.me), and those have been working well for me. I know not all therapists are comfortable with these alternatives, but it doesn’t hurt to ask! Even if your therapist doesn’t want to do remote sessions, you could ask them for more ideas on coping techniques to try.

    Sending lots of good thoughts your way, and hope you’re staying safe!

  10. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. You absolutely did not deserve for any of those people to harm you the way they did. It is so incredibly difficult when repressed memories come up. I am so sorry that you don’t have access to your therapist right now. I sincerely hope that you are able to see them soon. In the meantime, we are always here to support you. No need to apologize or feel bad about sharing or needing support. We are always here and we believe you. If you need anything at all, please reach out. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  11. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey dzreid,

    First off – there’s absolutely no reason to apologize. We are here to support you and you are always welcome to share what you’re experiencing. I know it must be scary and unsettling having repressed memories come up to the surface. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially while not having access to therapy. Nothing that happened was your fault – even without the memory. You shouldn’t have been violated how you were. Sometimes, it feels like trying to put together a puzzle without all the pieces and may make you want to just leave it alone. But I think this is your brain and body’s way of trying to heal and move forward. Being in therapy is already a big step towards healing, and maybe with the progress you’ve made so far, these things are coming to the surface so you can heal those parts also. We are here for you. Please come back and share anytime. Keep your chin up and stay strong.

    Sending love and support,
    Bre

  12. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear dzreid,
    Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. I imagine it must be scary and frustrating to have these memories surface, especially at a time when you do not have access to therapy as usual. It sounds like you know what you need to help yourself cope…I hope that sharing with us gives you some relief. I don’t have any suggestions to add, you know them or they have been shared; just know that you aren’t alone with this. We are all wishing you well and we hear you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  13. MH Volunteer

    Hello dzreid,

    Your story matters! You matter and your stories are important! Please feel free to share with us whenever you want to…for a check in, to share a long story, a short one, whatever you need.

    I am so sorry that you are experiencing these difficult memories. It is a healing process. You are strong- you’ve got this!

    MH

  14. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. Have you tried to look for a virtual therapist? I know many places are doing it now with the virus going around so that you can still get that help and support from your home. The things that happened to you were in no way your fault and repressed memories are common in cases of trauma. Please let us know how we can help you further. Stay strong <3

  15. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi, dzreid!

    I know that these memories are difficult to deal with, but I think it’s good that you are attempting to work through these to allow yourself to heal from them. It’s awful that while working on this you have to work through the frustration of not being able to remember all the details of these incidents as well as reliving the experiences. I think the journal is a great idea. It is a good idea to keep track of what triggers these memories as well as the memories. If you want to go the extra mile, you could even write down the emotions and feelings that these memories cause. Keep working on this because you are capable of healing from these horrible experiences. I am sorry that you had to endure this, but know that you can overcome this! Keep up with this while you are unable to meet with your therapist. Definitely reach out if you need an outlet.

  16. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming back to share with us again! I am so glad to hear from you. Anything you have to say is important. You and your story are important to me and to AVFTI! I am so sorry that you went through all of this. None of it was your fault. You are so strong for surviving and living today! I can not imagine how difficult having these memories resurface must be. I am glad you are able to share these with your therapist and I think journaling is a great idea. I hope that has been helpful for you. I am glad you came here. Please come back anytime you would like to! If you need to talk to a trained counselor during this time text VOICE to 741-741 to text with a counselor anytime, 24/7. Also, check out our FIND HELP tab at the top of our website to look through some other resources that might be helpful for you during this time.

    Sending lots of support and hope your way. You are so strong! I know you can get through this!

    -Natalie

  17. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there dzreid,

    I am so sorry for what you have been through. You are so incredibly strong. You are welcome to share here anytime you need. Things are tough right now, but you are healing. We believe in you, and we are for you every step of the way. Is there anything we can do to provide you more support right now? Please let us know. You are strong, and we are here for you.

    Carmen

  18. meg Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for coming back to us to share. Your story and heart are so important to us. I am so proud of you. You are coming SO far in your journey of healing. While you find yourself in the lows of remembering your trauma, try to be gentle with yourself. Remember to breathe deeply and bring yourself to the present as much as possible. You’re here and stronger than ever. You are loved. Please never apologize to us, we are here to support and lift you up. We love you.
    —Meg

  19. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry these memories are coming back and it can be really painful. I know the coronavirus is only exacerbating these feelings in a lot of cases. Thank you for coming here to share, and I hope it has helped. You can also text our crisis text line, VOICE to 741 741, and maybe you can get connected with more online mental health resources. We are also here for support, whenever you need!

    Erin

  20. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there dzreid,

    Please know your story is so important and I thank you for coming back and sharing it – you’re brave for opening up. Memories coming back can be an odd and confusing time. I’m glad you had a chance to talk them out, at least a little bit, with your therapist. Not all coping skills are for everyone, and sometimes it’s just not the right time too. It makes sense journaling brought back a ton of emotions. That’s okay and normal. You can skip this all together or try again in the future. Please be sure to give yourself time to heal and do things you enjoy doing. I know that may be hard right now, but I can tell you’re doing your best. We’re here for you whenever you need us.

    Sending light,
    SFM

  21. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi dzreid,

    Thank you for posting. Yes, this is all important stuff. Your body and mind are remembering stuff, and flooding you and that does feel scary and confusing and frustrating and probably a lot of other things. When it is suppressed or repressed or whatever the proper term, it doesn’t stop contaminating our life. We just don’t know what is making us feel the way we do or follow the patterns we follow. When we remember what happened, it sucks because we then know details that are hard to face, but knowing we can then process and face them.
    Everything you feel is valid. Sometimes we have to find a safe space and sit with the feelings. Journaling about them is great. sharing here or with your therapist (I know not possible where you are right now), well these are also very helpful. Because while the remain in our brain, they sometimes seem only partially real. Writing them down makes them more real. Sharing them with other people makes them even more real. Being able to see the expressions on the face of people you respect and connect with, and in return receiving understanding and compassion — that is a huge step in healing from the incident.

    This crappy disease is standing in the way of your health, in the way of getting your needs met. I am really sorry that that is happening. My therapist is still available/open. And she talked about teleconferencing or somehow setting it up through the internet, like skype for folks that cannot come in. Does your therapist have anything like that available?

    You are facing tough stuff, and while that is uncomfortable, it is actually a good thing. We are here for you. I wish we could be THERE for you though. Because I think that physical presence is important too. But you can do this. And we are rooting for you.

  22. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    dzreid
    Hi there! The corona virus is messing things up for everyone one…total inconveniences. Thank you tho for reaching out to us and trusting us enough to share your story with us. That was very brave or you and I know it couldn’t have been easy and dont worry about how much you wrote. You could write a novel and we would still be here for you because we care about you and what is going on. I am very sorry that things are a struggle and your memories just seemed to pick now to return. They seem to have the worst timing. Mine did. I also am sorry for all of what you experienced, now of which was your fault and you didnt deserve any of it. You are worth so much more and I hope you know that. As for the memories that’s hard, and frustrating. I liked the journeral idea but I agree that can be hard too, have you tried not writing in complete thoughts just words or bullet points. I am learning there are many types of journaling also drawing pictures was another one I was told. I know you said you cant see your therapist…would you think she might be open to the idea of video chat? If not you can text voice to 741 741 is you need someone right away. They are awesome. I have used them before. And of course we are always here. I am sorry I couldn’t be more help with the memories, I have the same problem. I do a lot of deep breathing when they get overwhelming. Please write back when ever you want. We are always here to listen. Stay safe and healthy

    Kristin