it wasn’t my fault

it wasn’t my fault

206 25

Last May, i’d just finished my junior year of high school and went to a few graduation parties thrown by my senior friends. My best friend’s boyfriend was a senior and he and his family rented out a huge house and let me and her spend the night, which I was super excited about and made me feel safe because I didn’t have to worry about going home drunk or high or anything. His parents were there but let everyone do anything they wanted which made me feel safe as well. It was pretty much a typical high school party, everyone was drunk and smoking and being stupid but having fun. 

I was very intoxicated and was more worried about avoiding a guy I knew from school who I had previously dated than anyone I didn’t know. For most of the night, I stayed close to my friend and we had fun together, but eventually she went to be with her boyfriend so I was alone. Earlier in the night, I met identical twin boys named Dre* and Drew* from what I can remember, I was definitely flirting with them because I was drunk but I had mostly been asking them stupid questions about them being twins and gathered that they were freshman in college. I’d only talked to them for a few minutes and went back to my friend and didn’t think much about them. 

My friend left me on a couch falling asleep on the top floor of the house, which wasn’t very far from the bedroom she was in with her boyfriend, and Dre got on the couch with me. She knew i’d been flirting with him earlier and thought he could keep me company so she wasn’t worried, and I wasn’t either because I felt fine with him and was drunk and focused on sleep. He was one of the few people allowed to stay over so I figured he just needed a place to sleep. 

I fell asleep under a small blanket a few feet away from him, and woke up with him under the blanket very close to me, with him putting his hand down my shorts. I didn’t know what to do because obviously I wasn’t thinking clearly from being drunk, but mostly I was just uncomfortable and also didn’t want to make a scene or embarrass him. So, I pretended to still be asleep and moved away from him a little bit, thinking that he’d leave me alone. This didn’t help and he only moved closer to be and unbuttoned my pants. I continued to stay asleep even when he asked me if I was awake because I thought that if he knew I was asleep he would leave me alone and not doing anything to me. However, I was wrong and I don’t think I need to describe in detail what happened, but he raped me as I pretended to be asleep and continued to try to slightly move away from him in hopes that he would stop. I didn’t know him but has assumed that he was a decent person and would leave me alone if I was sleeping. 

I wish that I had stopped him the second i’d noticed that he was touching me so that it wouldn’t have happened. I’ve told anyone exactly what happened, or even told him that I knew because I was embarrassed and didn’t even know if it was considered rape or if it was my fault because I didn’t stop him. Afterwards, he went to sleep and I remember a few people coming upstairs and looking on the couch we were on for their phone, and I remember being mortified because my shorts were halfway off and they thought I was asleep and felt uncomfortable looking on the couch because they thought we were a couple who had just hooked up. After they left, I was even more humiliated because of what they thought and I got up and slept on the floor outside of my friend’s room the rest of the night. In the morning, Dre woke up acting like nothing had happened and tried to get me to go back on the couch with him but I pretended I was busy and went and woke my friend up and told her we needed to leave. I told her the partial truth, which was that I woke up and he was touching me and unbuttoning my pants and that I slept on the floor. What I didn’t tell her was that I didn’t get up until after he’d already raped me, and she still thinks he didn’t do more than touch me, which she was still upset by. 

I’ve never really thought this was a story worth telling, and have questioned whether it was even rape because I let it happen, but looking back, I realize there’s nothing else it can be described as when he not only touched me, but had sex with me while he thought I was asleep. I don’t know how it has really affected me, but I think about it all the time and want to tell someone so that it’s not stuck inside me, but never know how. I few months ago, I tested positive for an STI, which may not have been from him, but it brought back the experience fresh in my mind. I started having really severe anxiety attacks, and it took me weeks to realize that they started right after I realized I had an STD, and whether or not it was caused by Dre, it made me realize how him raping me really did have an impact on me. I’ve mostly tried to distance myself from it and often feel like it wasn’t me that it happened to, but this forced me to face what happened and really think about it. I was raped and it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know if there’s anyone out there to listen or respond, but I finally had to share this.


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25 comments

  1. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi schuljes,

    Just from the title of your post I am glad you know that what happened was not your fault at all. You are very brave to share this story with us. Every story is worth telling, I am glad that you shared yours with us. What this man did to you was wrong, and you didn’t deserve to be treated this way. I am glad you find yourself able to talk about it now. Please continue to share here if you feel that you want to. We are all here for you. There is no reason to be ashamed for what happened. Like you said none of this was your fault. Stay strong.

    Tyler

  2. Jordan L Volunteer

    Hey there,
    I am so sorry that this happened. I want to remind you that this is not your fault. This is all his fault. He is completely responsible for what happened. Even with you being under the influence, it still doesn’t make it okay what he did to you.
    Have you thought about therapy to help with the panic attacks? We can help you find one under the “Find Help” tab.
    I want to also remind you to do things in your own time. Do it when you feel most comfortable.
    You are so strong and brave. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We are always here for you.
    -Jordan

  3. Amysue43 Volunteer

    WE are here for YOU! Your feelings are expected and I’m sure they are frustrating and confusing. I’m glad you see that this wasn’t at all your fault. That’s a really large step that I would like to take the time to validate. Also, I’m very glad that you found comfort in sharing your story with us. We are here to support and love you. What this person did to you was terrible and nothing he can say or do will justify his actions. It sounds like you have a very good friend who is there for you – if you chose to confide in them. I would like to take a moment to say how strong you are and I hope that you know just how great you are as you are not defined by this experience.

    Stay Strong! <3

  4. zoeyb

    Your story is worth being told and listened to. We are here and we believe you. I am glad that sharing your story with us helped you face and process it in your own way. You’re right, none of what you went through was your fault, it was his. Having those emotions and thoughts of him and what he did come back up again must be so hard to go through in the moment. Do you have anyone you consider a support system in your life? No matter what you decide to do from here, we will always be here to listen. Stay strong.

    – Zoey

  5. Megan Volunteer

    Hey schuljes,

    You’re right, what happened was rape because in order for it to be consensual you have to give consent, which you didn’t do. I’m glad that you know that this wasn’t your fault because it 100% was not your fault and I’m sorry that you experienced this. Having these memories come back can be a really tough time. If you ever find yourself needing to talk about this more, we are always here and also if you think you might want to talk to a therapist about this, we have lists of resources in the ‘find help’ tab at the top of the site.

    Thank you for sharing your story. You are incredibly strong,
    Megan

  6. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi schuljes,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. What happened to you was terrible, and it definitely was not your fault. He shouldn’t have touched you without your consent. Please let us know if there’s anything that you might need. Take care.

  7. candyappleb Volunteer

    schuljes,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you. It wasn’t your fault. Whether you were drinking or not, Dre is entirely responsible for his actions. It was very brave of you to share your story. We’re always here to support you in anyway we can. Please feel free to update us or reach out if you need anything else.

  8. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi schuljes,
    I am so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. I’m so proud of you for sharing your story because I know how hard this must be for you. You are not alone. You have us. Don’t blame yourself for what happened. It doesn’t matte if you were drinking or not, Dre should not have done what he did. If there is anything you would like us to help you with please let us know. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  9. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry this happened to you and i hope you will stay strong and be okay. I think it is brave of you to share your story on here and you are helping yourself. Just know we are here for you and if you want to share just keep us posted.

  10. Colton Kim Volunteer

    I am really sorry that that happened to you, and I hope that you will stay strong and be okay. I think that it is really brave of you to share your story on here and by doing so, you can help yourself and others as well. If you ever need to share anything there are always people on this site willing to listen to you.

  11. Sweetny Volunteer

    Hey,

    Thank you for sharing your story. It is so hard to talk about something that causes so much pain and anxiety, and I really appreciate your overcoming that here. This is 100% a story worth telling, and I am so sorry that this happened to you. Dre took advantage of you when you were drunk, vulnerable, and (what he thought) asleep – that is the definition of “unable to consent.” You may not realize this now, but by realizing what happened to you and coming forward to share it, you have made huge steps towards healing. It may be a good idea to talk to a professional therapist about this. As you start to come to terms with what happened, it will be a huge help to have someone with you, talking over every last detail, every step of the way. Good luck, and remember that you are not defined by what happened to you! You are strong and getting stronger everyday.

  12. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. You absolutely did not deserve this. Dre took advantage of you in a vulnerable state. He shouldn’t have had sex with you without consent, and that’s final. Others have mentioned the freeze response to stress/trauma, so I won’t go in detail, but I want to stress that it is a completely normal response.

    You stated you don’t feel comfortable telling anyone else about what happened to you, but maybe a therapist could help. Therapists are able to really assist us in processing trauma and help us down the path to healing. There are also many other resources under our “Find Help” tab, if you find that therapy doesn’t seem the right fit for you.

    Please let us know if there is anything else we can do for you. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  13. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi schuljes,
    I am terribly sorry this happened to you. This wasn’t your fault at all, and you didn’t deserve this. As mkyuellig described, the freeze response is common and can occur during traumatic events. He is entirely in the wrong for what he did, and he shouldn’t have taken advantage of you.
    I can understand why it’s so difficult to talk about this experience. Maybe you could talk to a therapist and figure out ways to cope during the anxiety attacks. That being said, if you don’t feel comfortable with telling anyone else yet, that’s okay. It’s your story, and you can tell it at your own pace.
    Thank you so much for confiding in us with your story. It can be so hard to talk about these experiences. You are a strong and courageous person for sharing this with us. Please feel free to write back if you need anything. We’re here for you, and continue to stay strong.

  14. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey schuljes,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m really sorry you went through that. Just to reaffirm what you already know – it was not your fault. It doesn’t matter that you were drunk. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t say no. Silence is not acceptance. It is unbelievable that there are people out there that would touch someone they thought were sleeping, much less have sex with! I’m really sorry you met one of those people. You didn’t deserve that at all. Have you met with a professional? They might be able to help, but only do what you’re comfortable with. Take things at your own pace!

    Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help make things easier for you. We’re here to help!

    Stay strong. You’ve got this! We support you 🙂

    Marissa

  15. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Your story matters. You matter. I am so sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of this, and this wasn’t your fault. We are here for you. Have you though about seeing a therapist? It may help to work through all of these feelings-I know it has helped me. Let us know how else we can help-you are not alone.

    Erin

  16. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story and sharing with us. I am so sorry that he took advantage of you. What he did was wrong, and it was not your fault. We support you and we believe you here. Is there anything we can do to help you further? Stay strong, and kow that you are always welcome here.

    Carmen

  17. Melody Volunteer

    I know it took a lot of courage to share this story and sharing for the first time can be so difficult, and I am so glad you did. We are always here to listen. No one deserves what happened to you. It absolutely was not your fault and you did not do anything wrong or to justify what he did to you.

  18. andyspringer Volunteer

    First and foremost, thank you for sharing with us. I am glad you have had the courage to come forward and share your truth with us. That takes a lot in and of itself. You do need to understand that what happened to you is not your fault by any stretch of the imagination. We are all on your side.

    Always,
    Andy

  19. bjames1121 Volunteer

    Thank you for in trusting us with you story. I’m truly sorry that you were taken advantage of, you didn’t deserve that. I know it’s hard to talk about but maybe you sharing your story with a therapist will begin the healing process. Please know that it was your fault, you didn’t give him your consent and you being a sleep, he was dead wrong and violated you. You trust he to share the couch with you and he crossed the line. Please know that we’re here for you as a listening ear and for support. There are also resources available on the get help link above. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Beverly

  20. mkyuellig Volunteer

    schuljes,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I’m glad that you recognize that you were assaulted, and that what happened to you is not your fault. I want to reiterate what others have been saying, and that is that consent is verbal, ongoing, and enthusiastic. Having sex with someone who you believe is unconscious is 100% rape, and many people have gone to jail for similar crimes. I also just wanted to say that your response to this trauma as it was happening is completely normal. I know looking back on it, it is very easy to ask yourself things like “why didn’t I just stop him” but there is an explanation. When you are in danger your parasympathetic nervous system reacts and and your brain tells your body to do what it believes will keep you alive. Scientists for years have referred to this as “fight or flight” response, but in recent years it has been changed to “fight, flight, or freeze.” It is exactly similar to a “deer in the headlights” or “playing possum”- a natural response to freeze in order to stay alive. Many people who have experienced assault have actually described feeling frozen, trying to move but literally not being able to. I hope that gives you a little piece of mind and helps your to understand your body’s response a little bit better. Additionally, I’m so sorry to hear about your testing positive for an STD, and how that is bringing up memories of what happened to you. I’m glad that you came to us to share your experience. Please feel free to reach out or update us if you need further support

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  21. Gamato04 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story. You did not deserve this and did what you could at the time to stop him. He took advantage of you and you did not deserve it whatsoever. Have you considered going to a therapist for the anxiety attacks? Would your friend be supportive if you told her? We are always here to listen and help you through this.

  22. Jay Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, you are so so brave to do so! It’s totally normal to feel the way you do, but you did absolutely nothing wrong. You deserve to feel safe and I’m sorry that your trust was violated. Consent is consent and you didn’t give it and he had no right to touch you. I hope sharing helped you feel better, you came to the right place as we are totally here to listen.

  23. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Schuljes,

    Thank you for sharing your account of what happened. Dre was entirely in the wrong, as you did not give him permission. As you correctly stated, that is sexual assault. We support you as you take whatever next step you feel is appropriate for you going forward. I second the below recommendations in that you have a look at our Get Help link. Therapy has worked wonders for so many of us and I hope you seek professional assistance if you feel that will help you heel. If you feel legal repercussions are the best route for you, we stand behind you us well. Most importantly, we are here for you and glad you shared with us. We believe you and encourage you going forward. Please, let us know if there is anything we can do going forward 🙂

    Ryan

  24. Deanna Volunteer

    Hi Schuljes-

    There’s always someone here to listen whenever you need someone. What happened to you wasn’t your fault, what he did was wrong. I’m so sorry that he hurt you and that you felt humiliated. It doesn’t matter that he was drunk, you deserve to feel safe wherever you are.

    There’s no judgement here. Welcome ?

    -Deanna

  25. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us. We are always here for you when you need someone to listen. What happened was in no way your fault; what he did was wrong and you did not deserve to be treated that way. Are you in a safe situation now? Do you have a good support system at home? You may also want to speak with a therapist or even group therapy to get some of your feelings out and try to heal from what happened to you. Also you should check out the Get Help tab on our site for some great resources as well. Stay strong <3