I saw Karen today. It seems like these weeks are going by so fast, and yet it feels like forever since I was last in there. Today was no different. This week had New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day in it. So she asked which days we had group. I told her Monday and Thursday. So she asked how that was.
I told her on Monday I talked about what we talked about on Saturday. And she asked, “and?” Deliberately mistaking her meaning, I said, “and, I talked about what was going to happen on New Year’s Eve, over at my sister’s with my brothers.” And then I said, and, “the conversation I had with my dad on Sunday night.” She did ask about that. So we talked about that.
Dad is reading A Short History of the Christian Church, which he tells me is not short. I expect a better title would be an exhaustive history of Christianity. Be that as it may be. We got to talking about the problem in the Catholic Church of pedophiles, and how they move them around and cover it up. And dad said, you can’t fix those people. So I said, well I think there are different types, and as the conversation progressed, I realized a few things. Dad doesn’t believe any type of perpetrator of child sexual abuse is fixable. Dad doesn’t know that the perpetrators in my case were my brothers (he probably thinks that mashing incident was my whole problem). And there is no point in disabusing him of this idea.
But it does hurt that one of my main support people in my family doesn’t get it at all because either he doesn’t want to know and is letting me know that, or I don’t want him to know or at least, I don’t want to tell him because I perceive that he doesn’t want to know, and my perception may be off. I added a few things to Karen about how I do that with her and everyone. I don’t need any encouragement whatsoever NOT to talk about it, and the moment that I think people don’t want to hear it, I shut up. We talked about the masher a bit because I had to explain what I think Dad probably thinks.
Then we went on to what happened on NYE. It was pretty much a whole lot of nothing, but I went 3 hours later than I normally would have and that was a lot better. Cathy told me that she wishes I would have not gone this year, but we had talked a lot about that in group, and after saying I would, I felt I needed to. Well anyway. I managed to successfully avoid the first thing we talked about, and we hit the 45 minute mark, which is when I usually bring up the hard stuff. (I have to quit doing that.)
I told her that I told Cathy I had to graduate. She asked what brought me to that conclusion, and I said the bill. The new paperwork. Ok, the bill I got was almost 3x the amount we had agreed upon, starting in November. $275/day x 3 days a week, I don’t bring home that much, and I don’t know a lot of people who do. I figured it was a mistake and they would figure it out. But then the new paper I signed was something like $175 a session, and I just can’t afford that either. I e-mailed her and I think we have it down to $100 again, but I am only able to put $300/month in the HSA — less now that there is a full year. So that is $900 per month that I am just making a bill for. There is no way I can pay all that. At least not if I keep letting it grow. I’ve been in there for 6 months. The insurance did not pay anything. Well, once my deductible was met they kicked me off. So, I had to pay 1,500 to Karen before my insurance kicked in, then the 3K deductible, then we renegotiated to for the 100 per session, so I have a bill of about $5500 at this point. And I need to graduate.
So, we talked about that, and Karen is trying to convince me to see it as a positive thing. I tried to explain, I work every day. And some folks can’t, she came back that I am very strong, the most highly functional person who has been through as much trauma as I have. But I am saying if I am intelligent, I should be done with this; if I am strong, I shouldn’t be having this trouble. But the thing is, there are no shortcuts, and I have to go through it, and it may take me even longer than some other folks. I don’t know that I am strong, I feel weak and fragile and anything can knock me over right now. But if I am strong and intelligent, it doesn’t mean I do not need or want the validation and support in getting through all of this.
Well anyway, the hour was up, and pressed into the idea that I need to feel liked and she wasn’t playing because she says it doesn’t matter, and I don’t agree. But I talked about how I worry that once I am no longer in the group, she can then give me the heave ho, and that I have maybe gotten a little better about the neediness stuff, but I still suck on the abandonment stuff. But the hour was legitimately up. She says that I will be thinking that two weeks is too short a time between sessions at some point and I looked at her like she is crazy. I should have said we could change positions now, because she belongs on the couch, but I didn’t. She believes in me, or is trying to convey that to me.
Well, thanks for reading. I told Cathy I need to graduate from the group, and she asked when, Monday, Tuesday or Thursday, and I panicked and said Thursday, so I bought myself another week.