Many of you here already know me. I am a volunteer with AVFTI, and I have shared my story here before. I just watched the documentary “It Happened Here”, which chronicles four college students’ sexual assaults and the reactions of reporting their assaults to their campuses. Watching it made me realize many things, of which I won’t go into at the moment. But what it also made me realize and made me accept is that I was sexually assaulted twice on my campus. I never considered this sexual assaults because I was drunk or thought I deserved it. Once, I went over to a guy’s house after a party. We had been drinking, and we were hanging out and talking. Then things started to get intimate, which I was fine with. But then he asked if I wanted to have sex. I said no. He proceeded to ask me why. I said because I have issues with sex, and I didn’t want to have it. So we continued with other things, but did not have sex. Then all of a sudden, he was inside of me. And I didn’t know how to react or what to think. I was not horribly drunk, but I was kind of tipsy. I was in shock that even after I had said no, he was suddenly having sex with me. I laid there waiting for it to end, not sure of what to do. I never reported it because I didn’t know if it was assault, nor did I want in investigation for fear of getting into trouble. Afterwards, I continued to feel attached to him and would come over for late-night rendezvous to have sex with him. I guess because I figured that since I did that, the first time didn’t constitute as assault.
The second time I was sexually assaulted I do not remember. Someone had to tell me that I had had sex with this person. I was so drunk that I blacked out and didn’t remember the majority of the night. I had hurt someone who was very special to me because I had had sex with this person, but I didn’t remember that it happened, and I didn’t know if it was my fault or what I could do about it. This person is still a student on campus. I don’t know if he has assaulted anyone else or if he would consider this assault. I know he said that I was following him around asking him to have sex at this party. But I was so drunk I don’t remember, so I had to take his word for it. I still hate myself that this happened, that both of these things happened. But I have repressed them from my memory because I truly do feel that both of these instances were my fault, because in both instances I hurt someone I deeply cared about by having sex with these individuals. I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know where to go from here. Thank you for listening.