Is it wrong of me to miss him? To miss someone who not only knew EVERYTHING about what happened to me prior, but also contributed more damage…

Why am I still in love, and miss a narcissist beyond repair? It feels wrong without him in life, and yet I’m surrounded by a good family, good group of friends in the city, yet it doesn’t feel right at all…


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29 comments

  1. Sammie101 Volunteer

    Hello Jaime Marie,

    Darling, it is okay to feel what you feel, nothing about that is not valid. It’s difficult to forget someone so significant in your life, even with the trauma he had put you through. You are strong though, and I’m so proud that you have the confidence to express your feelings to others. I only hope this helps you heal and move towards a brighter future.

  2. KatherineL Volunteer

    It’s totally normal to miss him. Your feelings are completely valid. He was a huge part of you life and love just doesn’t disappear once you recognize his behaviors as abuse or decide to leave. You made the right decision for your mental health, your well-being, and your safety. You should be proud of yourself for that. We are confident that you have the strength to get through this.

  3. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey Jamie,
    It is not wrong for you to miss him. He had an important role in your life and it takes time to cope after loosing someone who plays such a big part. I am proud of you for doing what is best for even though it hurts right now it will be worth it. We are always here for you, thank you for sharing your story.
    Sending love and hope,
    Kelly

    1. blashea Volunteer

      Hi, your feelings are valid. It’s hard to let go of someone that once meant so much to you. It’s okay and understandable to feel conflicted. Be easy with yourself and give yourself time to process and heal. You are so strong! I hope things get easier for you.

  4. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hey Jaime,

    It is not wrong of you to miss him. Losing someone who had such a big part in our lives is difficult, no matter the circumstances around that loss. Your feelings are valid, do not be ashamed of them. I am so sorry that you had to lose him, but I do think it is for the best for you. you matter the most and your mental health is the most important! You are so strong, you can get through this! We are here for you. I am here for you. Keep fighting.

    Sending lots of love and support,
    -Natalie

  5. tayestlack Volunteer

    Hello love, your feelings are yours, and it’s up to you to interpret why you feel this way. However, like you said he knows everything about you but maybe you’re trying to make up for the damage he added on. Love is strange and at times can be tricky, but you made the right decision to walk away, maybe all you need is some time for yourself with friends and loved ones and some self-care days. I hope you find peace within yourself and continue to stray away from him. I send good and loving vibes your way, I hope great things come for you. You’re so so so strong and I hope you continue to stay strong and return to us whenever you’d like. we are all here for you, keep your head up and keep fighting. stay strong

  6. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    What you feel is what you feel – no one can tell you whether that is right are wrong. Unfortunately, it’s really common for narcissists to create this sentiment within partners. It makes sense, particularly when this other person has played a major role in your life. I am sorry that you are struggling with these emotions, but we are here for you. You deserve someone who treats you with dignity and respect. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to support you. Stay strong and keep your chin up!

    Sending you love and strength,
    Bre

  7. Jess Volunteer

    I cannot tell you whether what you feel is right or wrong. I can tell you that it is a completely normal reaction to miss him. He was a huge part of your life, even if he was toxic and harmful to your mental health. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Try to remember that you deserve someone who treats you like a real person and doesn’t manipulate and harm you.

    Thank you for continuing to update us. We are always here for you if you need anything. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  8. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. I’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with this. You didn’t deserve any of it, and it’s not your fault. It’s totally normal to miss someone who was a large part of your life. Removing someone from your life can be incredibly difficult, even if they were toxic to you. I dealt with the same pain when I broke it off with a toxic partner. Remember that you deserve to be with someone who treats you with love and respect. If you need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  9. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for sharing with us. I can’t tell you whether how you’re feeling is right or wrong, but I do know that it’s normal to miss someone that had been such a huge part of your life. I’m sorry you’re going through all of this, but you should know that you’re extremely strong and you will pull through everything. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. We’re here for you!

    Marissa

  10. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,
    As everyone else has said, it is normal to miss someone who held important space in your life and moving through it takes time. Solongago offered some excellent strategies for understanding your feelings. Breakups are hard and they hurt even when you know you are doing what needs to be done for your health.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  11. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    It’s not wrong of you to miss. Emotions are very complex and we can’t really control what feelings we have or don’t have. We can’t switch them on or off. Obviously it’s probably not a good idea to go back to him, but don’t be afraid of your feelings. Allow yourself to feel them so you can move on. Maybe journaling or talking with a friend or therapist would help you work through what you are feeling? Or maybe focusing on the other things going on in your life, like your job or hobbies or friends and family, to try to distract you from your lingering feelings might help? Different things work for different people.

    I hope you are able to work through this. We are always here for you,
    Megan

    1. dzreid Volunteer

      Hey Jamie Marie,
      Feelings are difficult to work through. You trusted him & gave part of your Ife to him. I don’t think it’s wrong to still have feelings. Maybe share this with a therapist to help with processing these feelings. Continue to stay strong! You can get through these feelings!
      Dawn

  12. musicislove

    Hi Jamie,

    It’s not wrong to miss him. It’s how you feel, and how a person feels is never right or wrong. He was an important part of your life and that doesn’t go away so easily, even though it can be frustrating or confusing. Just remember you deserve someone that treats you with respect and compassion, not someone that hurts you. We’re always here and support you.

    Delaney

  13. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    It’s not wrong to miss him. Feelings aren’t right or wrong – they just are. You shared a part of your life with this person, and it’s natural to miss him. We are able to care for someone at a distance and know that they harmed us. Feelings can be confusing, and that’s okay. I completely agree with Solongago’s advice, and it can help to think about why you’re feeling this way. It may take some time to adjust to this new normal. With all this being said, you deserve love and respect 100% of the time.
    Thank you for updating us. Please take care of yourself during this holiday season, and you’re not alone. We’re here for you!

  14. Ashley Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    It’s not wrong that you still miss him. You felt comfortable enough to confide in him about what you experienced, so it’s evident you trusted him. Maybe you’re still in love with the good parts of him and that’s okay.

    You have the right to be treated with respect.

    Ashley

  15. Lizzi

    Hey Jamie Marie,
    It’s not wrong of you to miss him. And it’s okay to still love him if you do. Relationships are tricky, even abusive ones. We attach ourselves to people for a reason, and even if they hurt us sometimes we’re still able to remember the things we loved about them. It’s a messy thing, really. It’s not as easy as it being black and white. It sounds like he didn’t hurt you 100% of the time, and that leaves time for good moments with him, or maybe he had good qualities that you miss. Regardless, it’s okay. It’s normal. I can imagine it’s upsetting to miss someone that caused so much damage in your life, but know that you aren’t alone in this. I’m sure many of us here can relate. We’re here for you.

  16. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are still working through thoughts of your ex. It’s really hard to move past someone no matter how much they hurt you. I think it’s hard because although there were really bad things, there were some small good things. Your mind may be locking into the little parts of the past that were good, looking at it with rose-colored glasses. It’s important to remember that you are better off without him and that you have your friends and family to support you in this. Someone is out there that will treat you with respect, the way you deserve to be treated. It’s hard to move past someone, no matter how much they hurt you. All you can do is take things one day at a time. I used to have a note on my phone listing all the reasons I couldn’t be with my ex. That might help!

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  17. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Even when partners are harmful/abusive to us, it does not automatically negate the love and care we may feel for them. It is okay to feel this way. It is okay that it is hard to leave him, even though he harmed you. We are here to support you, and know that you deserve a partner who does not harm you and is not abusive. Everyone deserves that. Let us know how else we can support-we are here for you.

    Erin

  18. Leximcclelland Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    You are not wrong and your feelings are 100% valid. When you get to know someone on such a deep level, no matter the circumstances, it’s hard when they aren’t in your life anymore. It’s hard to just forget the life and routine you had, so no you’re not wrong.

    It will take time to move on and to not think of them as much, and I know that sucks to hear, but in time you will start healing yourself and focusing on you more I hope. You have to stay strong and take it one day at a time.

    I’m happy to hear you have some good support behind you, it’s important. Have you maybe tried talking with a therapist to give you some guidance and help you work your way towards healing?

    I hope you stay strong and take care ❤️

    -Lexi

  19. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey friend
    He was part of your life and it is totally normal to feel the way you do. You shared time with him and that speaks volumes. Time heals all friend. Focus on yourself which is good for you. I know trying is difficult but you will able to get through this.

  20. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Jamie Marie,

    I echo that it is normal to still miss him. He was a part of your life. You shared time with him and time speaks volumes. As the saying go, time can heal all wounds. I can personally attest to this. Please try to focus on the good family and friends where you are. Focus on doing good for yourself. I can tell you’re trying hard. You will be able to work through this.

    Sending light your way,
    SFM

  21. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hello Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. It’s hard to understand why we feel the way we feel. I don’t believe it’s right or wrong. I feel being aware of your feelings is a good thing and trying to understand why you still feel this way is important. And I agree eventually the feelings will become less and less. Just stay strong and be patient. You deserve peace and happiness. Know that we are always here for you.
    -Marie

  22. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    It isn’t wrong to miss him. Missing him is a feeling and feelings change over time. What is most important is to understand your feelings, consider why you feel the way you do, and accept that those feelings are valid. A particular feeling doesn’t have to be what motivates an action either. It’s okay to just feel. And these feelings you have will change over time. You aren’t always going to miss him. You will move on. Just take it one day at a time. Keeping yourself occupied is a great way to speed up that process. Thanks for updating us. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  23. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I’m so sorry that you feel like this. Break up’s are hard especially when you have been together for as long s you and your ex have been together. You just have to take it one day at a time. Maybe not right now, but soon you will not miss him and you won’t miss him. He will be a distant memory. Try to do things to get him off your mind like hanging with your friends and family or going out to meet new people. It willet better over time. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  24. Solongago Volunteer

    Missing him is a feeling. It isn’t right or wrong. Hiding from it or judging yourself for it will contribute more damage. We are experts at finding things to berate ourselves for, and when our inner voices do this, it attacks our self-esteem and self-worth. Instead, try sitting with it. What am I feeling? I am feeling lonely or I miss having him here with me. Sit with that. Maybe make a list of things that you miss about him, and make a parallel list of things about him that make you glad he is no longer in the picture. Remind yourself that you do not deserve those things. And when you have your list of things you actually miss, take them one at a time, and grieve for that thing. And maybe you can find a friend or an action that can fill that one thing for you.

    Like, you liked drinking coffee with him in the morning. Well, you do not have him to drink coffee with. And that is sad. But maybe taking 20 minutes in the morning to listen to a really good, long, audio book — one that has like 39 hours from beginning to end, while you drink your coffee. A good audiobook with a good reader makes the house feel more like a home. You don’t have to buy them, you can borrow them from the library. You just have to have a cd/mp3 player. Ok, enough about that. There are other things you can try — a walk around the block, petting a dog, calling a different friend at the time that is easiest for them to take some time with you, or doing something that needs to be done. Tackle one thing at a time, and with some time, it will get less or you will fill parts of our soul with other things that soothe, that interest, that connect you with others, or give you a sense of accomplishment, and that calm longings.

    The important thing is that you are not wrong to have feelings for him. If you journal, you can try completing the statement: Considering what I have been through, it is understandable that I feel ___________.

    Feeling our feelings without judgement, and validating ourselves are ways to be compassionate to ourselves, which is what we have to do to kill off the critical inner voice that continues to try to make us feel inadequate, wrong, unworthy.

    1. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

      This is great advice, Solongago. Reminding oneself to sit and ask what am I feeling? can go a long way. It can untangle the webs in our head and dig a little deeper. Sometimes so much is happening in life we forget to stop and take it all in. I will have to try and remember this when I too am feeling all caught up.

  25. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey again Jamie Marie,

    You aren’t alone in feeling this. A lot of survivors will experience attachment to their abusers, even well after the abuser has been cut out of the survivor’s life. It’s difficult to process, but know that this isn’t a wrong thing to be feeling. It might help to talk to your support system of friends and family about what you’re going through. Getting those feelings out into the open is a great way to process them and start to heal.

    We believe you and are here to support you! Take out a little bit of time for some extra self care this week.

  26. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi JamieMarie,

    What you’re going through is absolutely 100% normal. I’m sorry that you’re struggling with these feelings right now. I understand how it can seem difficult to grasp what emotions are doing despite all logic or reasoning. It’s okay. Remember there is no right or wrong way to feel. I’m sorry I can’t remember if you mentioned speaking to a counselor or not in previous shares… but they would probably be able to help you sort out these conflicting and confusing emotions. We’re here for you. You’ve got this.

    All the best,
    Becca