Is it a form of abuse?

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Through other stories I have written I have to wonder when I was raped in was traumatized by many who would make fun of me, some would say things as they chased me like you want some milk, or you want some orangs juice. I knew what this was implying, others made me very self conscience of myself. After the rape I had a problem using the public restroom, and 37 Years later I still do.

I have been since 1998 been sleeping on a old second hand love seat or small couch which has forced me to sleep for years on the floor, because my mother has forced me to move across the hall from her so I can take care of her, but it has become so she can keep a eye on me in every aspect of my life. At fifty my back is like hurts so bad, I have nightmares and panic attacks which plague my minds most days

The worst part is my mother who purposely does or says things she knows causes triggers for me. Telling me to leave the bathroom door ajar, having my bedroom door open at all times have caused a lot of problems for me. It wasn’t until I was 43 to where I could except myself, up and to that point I thought I was a freak, diseased, unable to be like most people and just disgusting, even though the thoughts come back daily, they are not as powerful.

I never thought of what she has done is abuse. I always tried to do what she told me man up or you make me want to vomit, become a man!, I guess this bothered me and didn’t realize it was another form of abuse.

Am I too sensitive for thinking this way or is this truly a form of abuse when she has done and said things that knows hurts me and causes triggers and that doesn’t help me from my tears, in the past week alone there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t cried so hard that it causes me headaches, the new thing now is when my mother hears me upset she’ll come from behind me and hit me in the back of the head in hopes I that I become a man in her eyes. I can’t help to think is she just continuing the abuse to a different level. I’m seeing a doctor in July and hopefully I will be put on Medicaid so I can see a psychiatrist. Please tell me is this a form of abuse?, I never thought it was, but now I’m wondering


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8 comments

  1. CarmenR Volunteer

    You are not being too sensitive at all. Your mother has been emotionally, mentally, and physically abusive to you. I’m so sorry she treats you the way that she does because you deserve much better. You are allowed to cry. Crying doesn’t make you weak. It is natural to be upset after all that you have gone through, and crying is a way of coping. I am glad to hear that you are trying to seek help. Please continue to fight and stay strong. We’ve got your back.

    Carmen

  2. Heather GG

    It sounds like your mom has emotionally abused you. Emotional abuse is real and can cause significant damage.

    Sometimes it’s hard to see the full picture when you are involved in a situation. I hope you are able to get help soon and start to feel better.

    Thank you for sharing

  3. Erin Day Captain

    There are many forms of abuse, and not all of them are physical. Emotional abuse is real, and it can be incredibly taxing and painful for someone to deal with. Your feelings are valid. They are always valid. You don’t deserve this. I really hope you get in to see a psychiatrist-I think that could really be helpful for you. Continue to let us know how you are doing.

    Erin

  4. Kristen Eby

    Hey love. What your mother has done, what she continues to do, is abusive. It is physical and emotional abuse and 100% unacceptable. I’m happy to hear you’re taking steps to see a psychiatrist, because someone trained in this way could be a huge help to you.

    1. focus.1968

      Thank you, for your support, the best time in my recent life I have to admit was from Sept of 95- Dec of 96 in that year and 3 months there wasn’t a day without a hug, a good meal like lunch or dinner, without pleasant conversation. Its been so long where I’ve had to carry this load, and even though my dogs give me love and what I need in a relative way, I miss human contact, a touch, someone just understanding me and my pain. Like you said a therapist, or psychiatrist would do wonders for me. I’ve made it this far and I can only imagine how far I can go given the opportunity, thank you again for much support

  5. Jacqui

    You are definitely not too sensitive. What she has done to you is most definitely a form of abuse. By verbally attacking you over and over again, she is abusing you mentally. I am so so sorry that she has done this to you. When you are able to see a psychiatrist, we can help you find one.
    Please remember you can always text the word VOICE to 741-741 and be immediately connected with one of thousands of crisis counselors across the US.

    1. focus.1968

      Yes, thank you I didn’t know you helped direct people to psychiatrists, I am at a breaking point. I guess after living 37 years of all forms of abuse does affect me in so many ways, and that’s all I do is suffer in pain and cry until I can’t cry anymore. Wanting to be loved is so important to me, she makes me feel that that’s a sign of weakness and I should be a man and deal with life, instead of being a pussy as she calls me. I know the answers, I’ve had plenty of time to think, but in the end I still have doubts about myself and everything about me, its like I take ten steps forward , she knocks me back twenty, its very depressing, thank you for your help and support

      1. Jacqui

        I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are so strong and you should be proud of yourself for seeking help. Just use this link below.

        https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/counseling/