Through other stories I have written I have to wonder when I was raped in was traumatized by many who would make fun of me, some would say things as they chased me like you want some milk, or you want some orangs juice. I knew what this was implying, others made me very self conscience of myself. After the rape I had a problem using the public restroom, and 37 Years later I still do.
I have been since 1998 been sleeping on a old second hand love seat or small couch which has forced me to sleep for years on the floor, because my mother has forced me to move across the hall from her so I can take care of her, but it has become so she can keep a eye on me in every aspect of my life. At fifty my back is like hurts so bad, I have nightmares and panic attacks which plague my minds most days
The worst part is my mother who purposely does or says things she knows causes triggers for me. Telling me to leave the bathroom door ajar, having my bedroom door open at all times have caused a lot of problems for me. It wasn’t until I was 43 to where I could except myself, up and to that point I thought I was a freak, diseased, unable to be like most people and just disgusting, even though the thoughts come back daily, they are not as powerful.
I never thought of what she has done is abuse. I always tried to do what she told me man up or you make me want to vomit, become a man!, I guess this bothered me and didn’t realize it was another form of abuse.
Am I too sensitive for thinking this way or is this truly a form of abuse when she has done and said things that knows hurts me and causes triggers and that doesn’t help me from my tears, in the past week alone there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t cried so hard that it causes me headaches, the new thing now is when my mother hears me upset she’ll come from behind me and hit me in the back of the head in hopes I that I become a man in her eyes. I can’t help to think is she just continuing the abuse to a different level. I’m seeing a doctor in July and hopefully I will be put on Medicaid so I can see a psychiatrist. Please tell me is this a form of abuse?, I never thought it was, but now I’m wondering