Invalidation

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I will say that my story is minor relative to others that I have heard. I am extremely lucky because it didn’t get worse, but I know that what happened to me was still wrong. I was forcibly kissed and groped by someone I thought I could trust a few years ago. He tried to pressure me to go further for a few weeks after that until I finally cut ties with him. I still see him every week, and it’s hard to deal with sometimes.
There are people close to me who supported me…but a few months ago, they invalidated my experience out of anger. They said I should be over this by now (and some other things), but how am I supposed to be over it if I see him so often? Those words set me back. I’m wondering if I should even feel this way.
I told them that I felt invalidated, and they apologized. They said that everything was out of anger, but it’s hard to accept that. Their apology does not erase those invalidating words.
I don’t want to hold this against them for the rest of my life, but I am upset because I don’t know where they stand. I want to believe that they support me, but those words keep echoing in my mind.
I don’t know what to do.


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7 comments

  1. Bethany Volunteer

    Hey,

    You shouldn’t ever be made to feel invalidated over your own experiences. The reason you may still feel hurt is their apology doesn’t erase the words they said. And that can be hard to deal with. I’m sorry you had to go through both experiences: your story and your friends not supporting you.

    Remember: what happened was still traumatic, even if it was considered “minor”. There is no scale for sexual assault. You know what happened. You are the judge of your physical and mental health.

    We are here for you

  2. Jacqui

    What happened to you was not acceptable. You do not need to minimize what happened to you. You were violated and your reaction is normal. It isn’t okay that he did that to you. I cannot imagine how it felt to have your friends react that way. It makes sense that it set you back. But you are so strong and what you are feeling is normal. You have the right to feel whatever way you want. Do not let anyone tell you any differently. You are healing in your time and this is your story. NO one controls it but you. You see him every week, so of course it will be difficult to get over. But please know you are not alone. We are here for you.

  3. THEmPROJECT

    Bless you and your sweet soul. You are valid you are brave you are a survivor. Do not let anyone make light of what happen to you for it was, is and always be a crime punishable by the law. No one has the right to take anything from your body unless you say its ok. NO ONE! Period!!! Chin up buttercup!!!☝

  4. Kristen Eby

    Hey there,

    Unfortunately I identify with your story. My ex-boyfriend did the exact same thing to me two weeks after we broke up. I understand you feel it was “minor”. I feel that way too, I feel like I don’t have the right to feel the way I do. But love, I’m going to tell you what I tell myself every time I feel unsure: there is no scale for sexual assault. It is always wrong. It is never your fault. I don’t have to see my ex every week, and I’m not “over it” either. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be for you. Your feelings are valid.

    I hate that your friends behaved this way. It doesn’t matter if they were angry – you deserve better. You deserve to know without a doubt that they stand behind you. I can’t tell you for sure how they feel, but I CAN tell you we stand behind you here at AVFTI. No matter how long it takes for you to heal, no matter how you decide to go about it, we are here for you. We do not judge you and we have your back.

    Thank you for trusting us with your story.

    Kristen

  5. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and it wasn’t your fault. And you don’t have to downplay what happened to you-no matter what, anything done to you that you didn’t want to happen to you is not okay and is bound to have an affect on you. You have every right to feel the way that you feel-and no one has a right to tell you how to feel. Everyone recovers in their own time-and of course it would be even that much more difficult when you have to see him still. It’s not fair for your friends to ask of you what they are asking-you deserve better. How can we help you further? Are there any resources we can help you access? Let us know.

    Erin

  6. Francis

    I’m sorry for what happened to you. You didn’t deserve it, no one does. You have every right to feel the way you feel about the situation you experienced. You shouldn’t feel invalidaded because no experience of sexual violence is better than others. You deserve to be heard out and I’m glad you came to AVFTI to be heard. What you expirnced isn’t easy to get over, even if the situation feels minor. I remember my sophomore year in High School when something very similar happened to me except it was on the school bus. It was hard for me to get over it especially because I kept seeing this person at school. I understand your point of view and I believe that you can overcome this. We believe you and we don’t think that what happened to you is something minor.
    If you need resourses AVFTI is here to help you in any way we can. Countine staying strong 🙂
    -Francis

  7. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi music2799,
    I am so sorry about what happened. You have every right to feel how you feel. What happened was traumatic and seeing him makes it worse. If you didn’t see him all the time it might make it easier for you to get over this.
    I think it would be helpful if you tried therapy because they are trained in dealing with situations like this and can help you cope. If you don’t want to try therapy you don’t have to I know not many people like it. You can also try to talk to your family about this. Do you have a close family member you can trust?
    You can always talk to AVFTI if you feel like you can’t talk to anyone else. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa