Hi again. My mom was upset with me for looking at him on Sunday. She doesn’t want him to start anything because I’m ‘giving him hints,’ and I understand that. She’s talked to me about this before, but I never got to explain why I was doing it. Sometimes it’s conscious, and sometimes it’s not. I’m not trying to look at him. It’s because I’m so paranoid that he’s going to do something else, and I feel I need to be aware of my surroundings.
I finally told her how I felt. However, she didn’t understand. She said, “Why should you feel paranoid? You have no right to feel that way. You’re playing the victim.” I was shell shocked, then angry. I’m not proud of myself for this, but I started yelling. I asked, “How come you keep saying I should be over this and that it’s not a big deal?! I can feel how I want.” She responded by saying I should be over this by now. I tried to explain to her that sometimes I have bad days and other times I have good days, but she didn’t understand.
Later on, she told me that she wasn’t trying to make me feel like my feelings weren’t important. But isn’t telling me I don’t have the right to feel a certain way doing exactly that?
She’s trying to convince me that being in that church and seeing him is a mark of strength. She told me that we couldn’t leave the church and that we all have to see people we don’t like sometimes. I understand what she’s saying about the strength, but it’s so hard. This isn’t just me not liking him. What he did was a crime, and I am still upset about it. I struggle to understand how he could have done this in the church and how he’s still an altar server. I’m wondering how to trust people again after what he did and after the invalidation I’ve dealt with. Seeing him hurts me.
Sometimes she’ll talk about how she doesn’t feel safe when I’m near him, and there are other times when she’ll tell me I have to be over it. She’s not being consistent, and it’s unpredictable.
As of right now, I’m doubting myself. Deep inside, I know my feelings are valid, but trying to convince myself of that this week has been so difficult. I’m wondering if I am playing the victim and giving this more importance in my life than it deserves.
What makes it worse is that I’ll have to see him for two or three days in a row (starting tomorrow). I’m dealing with my own self doubt, and seeing him for so long will hurt me more. I don’t think I’ll be able to get out of it.
I’m wondering what to do. I stood up for myself, and it didn’t work. I’m feeling kind of helpless and lost.