Internal feelings of regret

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As I think daily of my rape and sexual abuse my mind forces me to think of the regrets I’ve made, because I was so terrified of living I put many roadblocks up in my life, this may have saved me, and at the same time I lost out so many opportunities in life and still do.

But as I think of my many regrets I think of the years that self abuse, I would punch my legs, upper arms, ribs, and even my back at times because I was hurting so much inside, that any kind of physical pain was so far better, isolation was another thing I regretted, the only good thing that came out of that was I had time to think on both sides of the coin which helped me never to judge, as time went on my health began to fail me and to help me sleep and calm down I began over using over the counter medication moltrin, and over the counter sleeping aids, I did this for nearly 5 years daily. Recently I started getting some medical help which is helping me.

The one thing I don’t regret that my mother said I should is when I’m trying to figure out why I act, think or feel a certain way I try and find the root of the problem so I can take care of it. She claims by doing that I’m not accepting or taking the blame like I should.

And as my mother continues to belittle and hurt me daily I continue to do whatever I can to make her life easier while I make my life more difficult in every way I can I think of the bad choices I’ve made regarding my sexual assaults and the many things I’ve been through in my life, and yet I can’t help but think of the positive things I’ve made out of my life or things I’ve done. My mother may continue the way she is, I can only hope she stops, but if she continues then I have to keep moving, and keep getting up no matter what, we all need to keep getting up, no matter what so ever


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5 comments

  1. CarmenR Volunteer

    Thank you for continuing to share with us. You are so strong and so brave. Keep up your positive attitude, and never give up. We are here for you!

    Carmen

  2. Erin Day Captain

    Your strength is inspiring us all. Keep it up. Keep fighting. I know how terribly hard it is. We believe in you.

    Erin

  3. Ashley Day Captain

    When we experience something traumatic, I think it’s human nature to put walls around us to ensure we’re safe.

    You shouldn’t regret finding the root of your problems; I disagree with your mother. Being self-aware can teach us about our triggers and how we cope. Trying to understand the origin of a problem is a healthy strategy.

    It’s true that you can only hope your mother changes the way she interacts with you. After several years of having to manage the pain she has placed on you, there seems to be some acceptance. Acceptance that you can’t change her. Even though she might not change, that doesn’t mean you can’t move forward with your life. So, yes! Keep moving and getting up.

    Thank you for sharing what’s on your mind.

  4. daisy Volunteer

    Thank you for having the bravery to reach out and speak to us about what you have gone through and experienced. Life can be so hard and not being believed or listened to about your experiences with sexual assault can just make it worse. We are here for you and what you have gone through isn’t your fault. I hope that things can get better for you and you can find some solace.

  5. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey, let me start off by saying thank you for coming to us and sharing your story. That is the first step to recovering, and I think you are doing an amazing job! I’m so sorry that you have been treated so poorly, especially by someone that should be supporting you no matter what. Please keep in mind that sometimes, you can put yourself first. Your mental health is the most important thing, and you should take care of it. I am happy to see that you have such a positive outlook on the things holding you back and using them as a motivating tool. Please come back if you need to talk any more, we are here to help. Stay strong! <3