As I think daily of my rape and sexual abuse my mind forces me to think of the regrets I’ve made, because I was so terrified of living I put many roadblocks up in my life, this may have saved me, and at the same time I lost out so many opportunities in life and still do.
But as I think of my many regrets I think of the years that self abuse, I would punch my legs, upper arms, ribs, and even my back at times because I was hurting so much inside, that any kind of physical pain was so far better, isolation was another thing I regretted, the only good thing that came out of that was I had time to think on both sides of the coin which helped me never to judge, as time went on my health began to fail me and to help me sleep and calm down I began over using over the counter medication moltrin, and over the counter sleeping aids, I did this for nearly 5 years daily. Recently I started getting some medical help which is helping me.
The one thing I don’t regret that my mother said I should is when I’m trying to figure out why I act, think or feel a certain way I try and find the root of the problem so I can take care of it. She claims by doing that I’m not accepting or taking the blame like I should.
And as my mother continues to belittle and hurt me daily I continue to do whatever I can to make her life easier while I make my life more difficult in every way I can I think of the bad choices I’ve made regarding my sexual assaults and the many things I’ve been through in my life, and yet I can’t help but think of the positive things I’ve made out of my life or things I’ve done. My mother may continue the way she is, I can only hope she stops, but if she continues then I have to keep moving, and keep getting up no matter what, we all need to keep getting up, no matter what so ever