Hi, I was sexually assaulted by multiple men growing up. I don’t remember a time in my life when sexual abuse wasn’t a part of it. That being said, I also have always felt incredibly misunderstood and lonely despite having lots of friends growing up. I was just wondering if anyone else struggles with chronic loneliness and what they’ve done to help? i know my problem is not actually loneliness because like I said even during the season of my life when I had tons of friends I’ve always felt isolated and alone. I have figured out that like everyone i long to be understood however, i have been told on numerous occasions that i think weirdly and I do. Growing up this didn’t bother me and i honestly didn’t get why people said that however, now i do. I’ve thought maybe I’m on the spectrum though in my numerous psych evals that has never been mentioned but the best way to describe it is that i feel like I’m living under water. I do have a lot of dissociative states so this may be a key part of why i feel so disconnected from people but IDK. I just want to know why i feel this way to stop feeling this way because it really sucks to have people in my life that care for me when my mind is telling me otherwise.
Also, I have feelings of something being broken with me. which is kind of along the lines of above but in addition i just feel extremely bad; wicked almost. like i have all of this guilt and shame and i know its misplaced. I don ‘t know if it is exactly correlated to the abuse or not though. its almost separate from shame at times. just the feeling that inside of me is something horrible bad and it makes me hate myself sometimes.I can’t put into words why i feel that way its just there and i didn’t know if anyone else had experienced this?