I don’t know where to start or how to start, here is my story…
I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 10 years and I don’t seem to leave. When I met my boyfriend things were on the right path, where he was always so caring and so thoughtful. The more comfortable we together we decided to move in together. Things were going well, he was working and I was going to school. I notice at times he would question me a lot about who I was with or if I was around guys. It was never liked him to questioned me like that. Then as days passed by he has gotten aggressive with me the first time he laid his hand on me was shocking, I didn’t leave which I should have. I was just in shock and I just froze because I didn’t know how to react. He has gotten to the point that he was jealous. He knew I had a best friend, but he assumed I was doing something behind his back that led to the physical abuse. I remember, that night that he looked through my phone and ask me “what are you doing with him? are you fu****** with him? why is he asking you out for lunch?” I don’t know what went wrong or what I did wrong. He grab my phone and slams it to the grown, I cried and said why…I felt so hopeless at times I felt I rush being into a relationship. Sometimes I wish that would have told my family or my brother, but I always had a bad relationship because of my boyfriend. I feel so lonely at times.
All the abuse has started since I moved in, but I have never had the voice to tell anyone. There were moments I felt fragile, yet somehow I feel that he convince me to forgive him for hurting me and I would fall for it. Where he fill me with goodies and flower and seem that nothing happens. The thing is the more he physically abuses it, the more I got used to it, I don’t know if there something wrong with me, I just let him because I feel like I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. Another altercation happens around February, yet he got mad because I didn’t want to have sexual intercourse. He has always made me insecure about my physical appearance, and yet he has the right to look at other girls. Am I wrong? Well, that night I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him. He got mad that night that, he tried forcing himself on me and made me perform oral on him. I remember that night I was just crying, and I felt useless. I felt that all the love I gave him was shattered. The roughness that he kept pulling on my hair while performing oral, where all my anger and tear crumble up and I couldn’t tell him to stop, I couldn’t use my voice to tell him how it was rape, that I didn’t consent. All I wanted to do is leave and yet I’m still on the same path. I still forgive him for all the bad he had done, yet I’m here staying behind reminiscing in my head that he is a good man. How many times do I have to let him pass by and hear him say sorry?
It April and I’m still hurt. My daily night reminders as I hide in my bathroom crying and crying, looking at myself in the mirror, telling myself that I’m not good-looking and why am I here, always questioning that he will change. I’m so fragile, I’m tired and hopeless. I don’t know what’s wrong. 10 years have been broken and yet I expect change. Is the change I need is me? I don’t know me sometimes, my smile is gone, I tell people I’m okay and all I do is cry and reminisce why me, why, why why?