I’m so Fragile

328 73

I don’t know where to start or how to start, here is my story…

I have been in an abusive relationship for almost 10 years and I don’t seem to leave. When I met my boyfriend things were on the right path, where he was always so caring and so thoughtful. The more comfortable we together we decided to move in together. Things were going well, he was working and I was going to school. I notice at times he would question me a lot about who I was with or if I was around guys. It was never liked him to questioned me like that. Then as days passed by he has gotten aggressive with me the first time he laid his hand on me was shocking, I didn’t leave which I should have. I was just in shock and I just froze because I didn’t know how to react. He has gotten to the point that he was jealous. He knew I had a best friend, but he assumed I was doing something behind his back that led to the physical abuse. I remember, that night that he looked through my phone and ask me “what are you doing with him? are you fu****** with him? why is he asking you out for lunch?” I don’t know what went wrong or what I did wrong. He grab my phone and slams it to the grown, I cried and said why…I felt so hopeless at times I felt I rush being into a relationship. Sometimes I wish that would have told my family or my brother, but I always had a bad relationship because of my boyfriend. I feel so lonely at times. 

All the abuse has started since I moved in, but I have never had the voice to tell anyone. There were moments I felt fragile, yet somehow I feel that he convince me to forgive him for hurting me and I would fall for it. Where he fill me with goodies and flower and seem that nothing happens. The thing is the more he physically abuses it, the more I got used to it, I don’t know if there something wrong with me, I just let him because I feel like I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me. Another altercation happens around February, yet he got mad because I didn’t want to have sexual intercourse. He has always made me insecure about my physical appearance, and yet he has the right to look at other girls. Am I wrong? Well, that night I told him I didn’t want anything to do with him. He got mad that night that, he tried forcing himself on me and made me perform oral on him. I remember that night I was just crying, and I felt useless. I felt that all the love I gave him was shattered. The roughness that he kept pulling on my hair while performing oral, where all my anger and tear crumble up and I couldn’t tell him to stop, I couldn’t use my voice to tell him how it was rape, that I didn’t consent. All I wanted to do is leave and yet I’m still on the same path. I still forgive him for all the bad he had done, yet I’m here staying behind reminiscing in my head that he is a good man. How many times do I have to let him pass by and hear him say sorry? 

It April and I’m still hurt. My daily night reminders as I hide in my bathroom crying and crying, looking at myself in the mirror, telling myself that I’m not good-looking and why am I here, always questioning that he will change.  I’m so fragile, I’m tired and hopeless. I don’t know what’s wrong. 10 years have been broken and yet I expect change. Is the change I need is me? I don’t know me sometimes, my smile is gone, I tell people I’m okay and all I do is cry and reminisce why me, why, why why? 


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73 comments

  1. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You don’t deserve to be treated like that. You are worthy and you will get through this. You bring up the concept of forgiveness. I think it’s important to recognize that you have the power to forgive and you can do with that what you want. But just because you forgive doesn’t mean you forget or have to move on from what has happened. What this person has done to you is not fair and it would feeling tired is definitely appropriate for this situation. It’s frustrating to find out that someone whom you’re supposed to trust is manipulating that very situation. If you feel like you would like to find more support in how to manage this situation, you could visit our Find Help tab on our website. Also, if you feel comfortable, feel free to share with us on how you’re doing. We are here for you and want to support you in the best way possible. Remember, you are strong and you are worthy.

  2. Mary Ella Volunteer

    Hello lana,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Having experienced an abusive relationship in the past, I know it must have been difficult reaching out and sharing this. This is a great first step for you. I want to reassure you that even though you may not feel like it, you are strong, beautiful, and you are worthy of love. The abuse is not your fault, and you should not blame yourself. When you are ready to seek more help, we are going to be here for you! We have a helpful Find Help page with a lot of information that could assist you.

    Thank you again and I’m sending you all the love and support! You deserve to heal and you deserve to be loved.

    Mary

  3. lilyk Volunteer

    Hi Lana,

    Thank you so much for sharing with us. I’m so sorry you are going through this. He should never hurt you, and please don’t blame yourself because none of his actions are a reflection of you, it is all on him. The “Find Help” tab will have a bunch of resources that are able to help you. Sending you strength.

  4. AlisonDKaufman

    Iana:

    Thank you for being so brave to share your story here and to use your voice. This is the first step in you seeking the help you so deserve. I know it is easier said than done, but at no point should you be blaming yourself. HE is the abuser, HE is wrong, HE has a problem – not you. Just from reading your story, I can tell you are a beautiful, caring, and forgiving individual and I truly hope you are able to see that in yourself. Please continue to share with us; we are here to support you. When you are ready take a look at the FIND HELP page, you will find resources available to you in your area – there are a lot of people out there who want to help you. Please stay safe.

    Alison

  5. morganndelacruz Volunteer

    Hey Lana,

    You are not alone. We are here for you. I can understand where you are coming from on how it is hard on letting go of someone who you don’t want to let go of and all the potential and future things you see yourself with and with that other person. But, you are a strong person for understanding the realization that the relationship is not also not for you and it is unhealthy. That the relationship is at the wrong time and at the wrong place. You are a capable, brave, and strong woman that has a full heart for the potential of love and so much more. We are here for you, for anything and I am sending so much love and positivity to you and I hope that I will be hearing back from you again, whenever you are ready.

    So much love from me, Morgan<3

  6. KevionS. Volunteer

    Hi Lana,
    You do not have to feel alone we are here for you. I know that it can be hard to let go of someone who you are in love with and who you wanted to build a future with. We are always here for you throughout your journey please keep us updated and stay strong. Sending a lot of positivity your way!

    Best,
    KevionS.

  7. Stark21 Volunteer

    Hi Lana
    I would first like to say thank you for trusting us with your story. We are here for you. You are not worthless. It is always hard to take that step and leave. But acknowledging that this relationship is unhealthy is the right step in leaving. You are not hopeless. It’s understandable that it’s hard leaving because you did love/create a connection with what he presented himself as at first. You do not deserve to feel and be treated this way. As someone mentioned is it possible to confide in a close family member or friend? Possibly helping you leave this situation. Your health mentally and physically comes first and is super important. It’s understandable that you feel tired and drained, we are always here to support you. Please do check out the “Find Help” tab for other resources that you may find helpful. Please do update us on your healing journey. We believe you. Sending positive vibes
    -R

  8. Zithlaly.cruz Volunteer

    Thank you for trusting us with your story Lana. The situation you are in is not your fault, you do not deserve to be treated the way you are by your partner. You deserve to be treated with respect. There is nothing wrong with you, your feelings are valid. This is a safe community, feel free to come back and update us. We are here to help you in any way.

  9. lmc83823 Volunteer

    Hi Lana,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you’ve been going through this and that your partner did the things he did; he should have respected you and understood that no means no. You don’t deserve any of it and what you’ve been through and how you feel about this is completely valid. 10 years is a really long time and it’s normal and human to only hope for the best because of the effort you’ve put into the relationship. Yet, at the end of the day, if a 10-year relationship causes so much harm to you and is breaking you down, you are more important, and making the decision to put yourself first will outweigh anything. It can be really hard to be in these kinds of relationships, just know we are here to support you every step of the way in whatever it is that you decide to do. Maybe try reaching out to a friend? Finding small outlets where you could get away from the abuse. If you need further help, feel free to check out the Find Help tab above for other resources. Please also feel free to come back again and share whatever it may be.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Luna

  10. dzreid Volunteer

    Hello Lana,
    So nice to meet you! Sharing our story for the first time is never easy. I think you’ve done a great job at sharing, & am glad you found your voice to do so! 10 years in a relationship is a long time. I’m sorry that you have been hurt because he took advantage of you. It doesn’t matter if the relationship has been only a day, or 10 yrs, no means no & he should of respected that! I can see how this would leave you feeling broken. The tears will eventually stop, in the mean time, there’s nothing wrong with holding onto the good memories. Have you tried writing in a journal about your feelings? I hope as you have read the comments, you will regain your hope & be encouraged. I also hope that you can see that you did nothing wrong. Maybe if you seek the help from a professional like a therapist this could help you process some of these feelings. Our “find help” page is packed full of a variety of resources. I hope you can find peace because you deserve to have peace & be happy!
    Dawn

  11. betterdays1 Volunteer

    hi Lana,
    I wanna start off by thanking you for sharing your story. I know it must be really hard to go through this. I bet it’s hard for you to leave him because you love him but you always need to put yourself first. You do not deserve anything to be treated like that. Remember that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe a therapist could help you during that process and motivate you to do it. Keep us updated!
    -v

  12. Angela Volunteer

    Hi lana,
    Thank you for sharing and trusting us with your story. I want to start off by saying that I am so sorry for what has happened to you and that you do not deserve any of that. Your partner has no right to treat you the way he does. I understand that it must be hard for you to leave the relationship but this person is crossing boundaries that should never be crossed. I know that he is all you’ve known for the past ten years but what he doing can not be justified no matter how long you’ve been together. I really hope you do reach out to someone personally to help you with this situation. Take a look at the “find help” tab, you might find something that can help. Please take care of yourself and stay strong, we are here for you!

  13. casitasbonitas Volunteer

    Hi lana,
    I am so sorry you had to experience this. Please do not blame yourself, it was not your fault. I want to thank you for sharing your story with us. You are brave and i think you should reach out to someone you trust. So that they can try to help you get out of that relationship. We are all here for you and if you need resources you can look at the Find Help tab above! Please do not hesitate to reach out to us, stay strong lana.

  14. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi lana,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m so sorry to hear about everything that has happened. I think the longer that we are in a situation, even when things that are awful happen, the harder it can be to leave. We develop a connection to the other person, for good or bad, and that is what keeps us in the same situation and also thinking things can change. I have been there and I understand your struggle. You are not alone. However, because you have told us you are not safe you need to take care of yourself as soon as possible. Please look at the Find Help tab to locate resources near you that can keep you safe. Also, please text VOICE to 741-741, which can also be of immediate help. You do not deserve to be in an abusive situation. You deserve to have your voice and to feel peace and joy. It is going to be one of the hardest things you’ll do in your life, but you have the courage and support to get through it. We will be here for you every step of the way if you need us. Acknowledging that you are living in this hell is the first step and it sounds like you recognize that it is not a place you want to be any longer. Because I don’t know the stability of your boyfriend and if he would come looking for you, it would be wise to reach out to a shelter that can keep your safe and anonymous or if you have a trusted friend or family member where you couldn’t be found. You can do this. Please take care and update here as often as you need.

  15. iap66325 Volunteer

    Hello Lana,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I apologize for everything your boyfriend has been doing to you, you never once deserved this kind of abuse nobody ever deserves to go through this all. Neither should you ever question if you did something to cause it, because it is never once your fault. I am glad that you got the opportunity to tell us your experience because I can somewhat understand how you could feel not sharing this kind of information with anyone especially those close to you. I highly recommend that you do the best of your ability to reach out to those you love about your situation. If not you could also look into the websites Find Help tab and seek any of the options listed that you feel more comfortable to use. Not only that but to also report your boyfriend to the authorities to the behavior and abuse he has been submitting you to. I know it will hurt, everything is not as it seems like it first started but your boyfriend sadly will not change his ways if you have already brought such things into attention to him and if neither does he see the errors in his actions. I hope that you someway, somehow can move forward without him in your life because you will remain in safer hands without him in it. Also, letting your friends know will also be beneficial because they can aid you in person. You will never once be alone especially with us here for you as well. However, if you do not yet feel ready I would suggest taking the steps to lead you into doing so, for your safety and well being. In the end it will surely be worth it and you will not be looking back. We all believe in you and know you have the capability of doing this, we will also be here to listen to anything else you wish, and feel comfortable in sharing. I hope to hear from you very soon and I send my love and strength your way!

  16. sarahj Volunteer

    Hi lana,
    Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with us. I am so sorry to hear what you have been going through over the last ten years. Please do not feel as though you are to blame. Your partner has no right to harm you in any way.. it is never justified. I want you to know you are worthy of being loved and being respected on all counts.
    Do you think it may be possible for you to confide in your family or even a friend? It never hurts to have an ally in your corner and to keep your safety a priority. It may also be a good idea to check out the Find Help tab here if you haven’t already — there are some very helpful resources there. Please feel free to come back and share with us as you would like… this is a safe space. We are here to support you. Wishing you love and strength.
    Take care of yourself!! ♥️
    Sarahj

  17. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Lana,

    Thank you for coming to AVFTI to share your story. I know it takes so much courage to share and we are here for you. I’m sorry to hear that your partner is not respectful of you. You deserve to be in a relationship where you are loved and supported. Freezing up is a very normal reaction. The things he is doing are not normal, and not ok. We are all here for you. I promise you are never alone. Please think about looking here: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/ for some resources we have that may help. Leaving someone you care about is really hard, even if they are hurting you. Making a list of reasons why you need to leave could help remind you of all the times he’s done you wrong and why you deserve better. Because you absolutely deserve better. We are here. Please keep us updated.

    Stay strong,
    T

  18. jenniferb Volunteer

    Hello lana,
    I’m glad that you shared your story with us. I understand how scary your situation is and how difficult it can be to speak about it, so thank you for trusting us with your story. What your boyfriend did to you was not okay. You did not deserve for any of that to happen, and there is nothing wrong with you. It can be very difficult to leave an abusive relationship, but you should not blame yourself. Others have already mentioned this but, maybe you can confide in a friend or family member? We also have a lot of resources that can help under the “Find Help” tab. Please stay safe, and you are not alone. We are always here to support you, so please keep us updated. I am sending you lots of support.

  19. bbbmjohnson Volunteer

    Lana,
    I’m so proud of you, as well as grateful for you for taking this big step in sharing your story with us. I need you to stay strong, There are so many resources here to help and strengthen you. Please never doubt yourself worth, that is the first step to giving up on yourself. Know that I believe in you, whether you feel like you need to get out of the situation, confront and fight the situation, or seek more help I know that you can do it. Don’t give up now.

  20. Ana Espiritu Volunteer

    Hello Lana,

    Thank you for sharing and trusting us with your story. You took a big step to share your story with us and know that AVFTI is a safe place for you. We care for your well-being and know that the traumatic experience you have gone through isn’t your fault. Sometimes relationships can be hard to understand and can go through their ups and downs, what your boyfriend has been doing has been wrong. You had the right to consent if you felt in any way that you were not ready to do anything with him. I’m sorry that your emotions have given you the thoughts that thinks will work out, have you consider going to therapy together? If you believe that things can work out, we are here for you. I feel that your safety matters and we care for your well-being. Try reaching out to family and friends meanwhile so you can feel comfortable enough to feel free. Please stay safe and keep us updated. I encourage you to reach out to our website and click on the FINDHELP tab button for informational resources that may be helpful to you. You can reach also reach us by texting VOICE to 741-741. Please keep us updated.

    Sending Support and Love,

    Ana

  21. Lex Volunteer

    Hi Lana,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us all. I want to start off by saying how sorry I am that you have had to experiencing these things for the last 10 years. The way your boyfriend treats you is unjustifiable. You deserve so much more. You deserve someone that respects you and loves you just as much as you respect and love them. Please do not blame yourself for any of this as you cannot change someone who doesn’t want to change themselves. It is competely normal to reminisce on the good times you may have had, but this shouldn’t cloud that fact that he is physically and emotionally abusive. Please remember that if he was truly a good person, he would never be treating you like this. Like many other volunteers have mentioned, I would recommened our FIND HELP tab at the top of our website – it has some amazing resourses. I hope you are able to find the strength to safely leave this relationship because you deserve to smile again, Lana.

    Stay strong. We are here for you, always!
    – Lex

  22. lizzi

    Hi lana,
    I’m so sorry to hear the nightmare you’ve been living in for the past 10 years. You took an amazing first step by telling us your story and what has been going on in your relationship. I strongly urge you to continue to talk about it and tell people close to you that can help you leave, if that’s what you want to do. I know you want to think it’s going to get better but has he changed since this started? There’s nothing wrong with you and this is not your fault. You don’t have to stay with him if you don’t want to. It sounds like you’re feeling really unhappy about life in general and I urge you to talk to a professional that can help you emotionally as well as figure out what you want to do with your relationship. Thank you for trusting us with your story, and know that we care and we support you.

  23. t3nnis_player18 Volunteer

    Hey lana,
    I am so so sorry that you are in such a bad and dangerous situation with someone who does not care about you the way they should. It is not your fault and nothing is wrong with you, it is a very difficult situation to navigate physically and emotionally because you still have a connection to him but he is hurting you through that connection. Is there anyone you know and trust you could reach out to and explain what is going on that would understand? Or maybe someone you could stay with for awhile? You are in a very bad situation and you need to do what is best for you and get out of it, but your safety is the most important thing. If you do not have anyone safe you can reach out to maybe start thinking about law enforcement intervention if that is something you are comfortable doing. The most important thing is that you don’t endanger yourself so please stay safe and keep us updated.

  24. silverliningsunshine Volunteer

    Hi Lana,

    Thank you for sharing your story with all of us on this platform, it takes a lot of bravery and courage to do that. I’m so sorry about the way your boyfriend has treated you and you do not deserve it. Please do not blame yourself for any of this. I hope you are able to talk to someone close to you about this whether it be a family member or a close friend. Our plat form has a “Find Help” tab, and you can scroll through any resources if needed. Please keep us all updated!

  25. CSUN Volunteer A.M Volunteer

    Hi Lana ,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us you are very strong and brave, Im so sorry your boyfriend treated you that way you clearly didn’t deserve any of that.You are perfect and you don’t need to change anything about you.Have you ever consider speaking to someone professional about this someone who can help you heal? Go under FIND HELP tab and you can find professionals.Also, feel free to reach out to us again we would like to hear from you.
    Stay Strong and best of luck
    A.M

  26. 123Ahmet Volunteer

    Hello Lana,

    Thank you so much for telling your story. I want to start off by saying that none of what has happened is your fault. No one can tell you “why did you not leave” because every situation is different, and you should not feel bad for this at all. Leaving can be very dangerous and not the best step to freedom, so I understand. I hope you understand how strong you are and how courageous you are, it takes a lot to disclose information especially here. I hope that you can safely leave this situation and that this man will get what is coming to him. If you are able and feel the need to explore resources please check out the “Find Help” tab above which has many informative and helpful resources.

    – Ahmet

  27. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi lana,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for the situation you have found yourself in, but I want to start off by saying none of it is your fault. You’ve done nothing wrong to warrant how he’s treating you. Do you have any close friends you could open up to about what’s happening? Maybe send them a text message saying you want to meet up and then delete the message so your boyfriend doesn’t see it? This is a tricky and scary situation to navigate and the most important thing right now is your safety.

    Feel free to check out our “Find Help” tab at the top of the page. There are tons of resources that you may find helpful. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. We are here to help however we can.

    Stay strong! You are so incredibly brave for reaching out. You deserve so much better.

    Marissa

  28. Tokyo_Kaneki Volunteer

    Hi lana,
    Thank you so much for telling us your story. It must have taken a considerable amount of strength and courage to do so. None of this your fault. The actions that he made on you are completely on him, not you. Please do not put yourself down because you feel as though you should have left, we all take the time that we need and we leave when we are ready. Please remember that we are hear to listen to you and if you are ever feeling sad, text ‘VOICE’ to 741 741. There are also many resources under the ‘get help’ tab. Remember that you are not alone, here at AVFTI we will always listen to you and support you. Please keep us updated, sending you lots of love and support.
    -J

  29. oscarl2 Volunteer

    Hello lana,
    Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry to hear about the situation that you are in. Just know that what you’ve been experiencing is not your fault and that you shouldn’t be blaming yourself for what has happened. It is common for people to not leave an abusive relationship and they find it very difficult trying to leave. Hopefully you can find ways to heal from your traumas and continue down your path to healing and happiness.
    Best wishes,
    oscarl2

  30. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hi lana,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry for all that you’ve been through. I want you to know that none of this is your fault. You should not feel as though there is something wrong with you. It sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I’m wondering if there is anyone close to you who you can open up to about this? You are very brave for coming forward to us. I hope you felt a sense of empowerment for being able to share your story. If you need anything, feel free to reach out again. Also, we have some great resources in the Find Help tab.

    I wish you all the best. Take care.

  31. Jiggy Volunteer

    Hey lana,
    Thank you for finding the strength to share your story. Just know that none of it is your fault, it is all on him. It is normal to stay, abusive relationships are hard to leave there is always going to be memories of the past. That guy does not deserve you and you deserve to find a person that is able to respect you as a person. The one who needs to change is him, there is no excuse for being abusive. You did not ask for any of this. If you need help, this website has plenty of resources that may be what you need. Simply click on the “Find Help” tab and scroll through any resources that fit your need.
    Hope for the best!

  32. haesol Volunteer

    Hello lana,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I’m sorry you’ve been experiencing these awful things, you don’t deserve any of it, and you’re not to blame. I don’t think you’re fragile at all; I can see how strong and brave you are for coming through and using your voice right now.
    You deserve to feel safe, loved, respected and cared for in a relationship. I hear you and your feelings are valid; it’s okay to express them. There are some resources you can check here: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/ that can hopefully help you out. You’ve got this, and we’ll support you.

    Stay safe.

  33. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi lana,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry that you have been struggling and hurting. Please know that you are an amazing human being, so worthy of love, happiness, and respect. None of what happened is your fault, and you deserve to be in relationships where people make you feel loved and safe. I hope you are able to find some resources that help you under our Find Help tab or elsewhere! Please let us know if we can do anything else to help, and feel free to come back anytime and share. We are always here for you!

  34. semperfi Volunteer

    Hello Lana, maybe you have heard the saying, “You grow Old too soon, and Smart too late”. You should realize that this is the start of your awaking. Please, don’t short-change yourself by allowing this to continue. Your mind is telling you, “what’s happening is not right”, and you have the right to your happiness. You have to prepare yourself to leave this toxic situation. Controlling people try in every way to belittle and degrade you in order to make you believe you’re, “not worth it”. Don’t ever believe that you are not worthy of anything. This is not the life your family and friends want for you. I realize you may be afraid that he will see your text messages for help and hurt you more. A trustworthy friend can be your go-between to reach this service on your behalf, text VOICE to 741-741, so they can help you on your journey to happiness. I hope you are able to read this reply. For anyone, fear of the unknown is hard enough but you have shown that your strength has started by putting your feelings in writing and sharing with us, please don’t stop. I wish you happiness and safety.
    Tony

  35. CSUN Student1 Volunteer

    Hi Lana,
    Thank you for taking the time and courage to finally speak up on what is happening in your life and I am deeply sorry that you have been in an abusive relationship for this long and it is very understandable that it is not easy to leave an abusive relationship. Just remember that it is not your fault and you are on the right track by speaking about it and also there are great resources on our page that are very helpful and also we are always here for support anytime you need our help.
    Thank You

  36. nidhigandhi Volunteer

    Hey Lana,

    You should be so proud of yourself for posting and speaking up about your situation. Know that you are not alone and there are many other women out there, thinking just like you. I understand that you feel fragile but it’s time to stand on your feet and take control of your life. You are obviously a strong, confident woman and it’s time to show your strengths against these difficult times. We know that you are powerful and will find a way to get out of your abusive relationship. We are all here for you and wish you the best for the future! There are many resources on our website that might be able to help you, let us know if there is anything else you need help with.

  37. pfuentes Volunteer

    Hey Lana,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us! I’m glad you were finally able to speak up about it and have your voice heard. But I am very sorry that you are going through this. Please don’t blame yourself for staying in that situation or even think that it is your fault his happened to you. It can be very difficult to leave an abusive relationship but just know that we are here for you and offer all our support. There are also many great resources that may be of help to you on the find help tab of our website. Take care and remember you are always welcome to come back and talk to us!

    pfuentes

  38. Lusine05 Volunteer

    hello lana,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us! I know that it was not easy to do, and it truly shows your strength. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! None of this is your fault, and you do not need to change yourself. We have plenty of helpful resources, and there are free ones too. You deserve a much better life, and we are here to help you in any way you want.
    Stay safe and strong,
    -L

  39. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello lana,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story. We are really glad you found out about us! I would like to take the time to send you our resources page which has a lot of great info: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/

    I am so sorry to hear about everything you are going through. You don’t deserve any of this. I hope that you are able to get out of this situation soon as you do deserve better. I know what you must be going through right now is tough but you are a strong and courageous person and I know that you will make it through this. It may be difficult to make life changes but I know you can handle any of them. You are worthy of love and respect and I hope you also know that we are here for you!

    I know others mentioned this but I also wanted to let you know that you can text VOICE to 741-741 if you are in danger.

    You are always welcome back and we will be here for you if you need us!

  40. jyoung Volunteer

    Hi Lana,

    Thank you for trusting the AVFTI community enough to share your story; you are truly so strong. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. Your boyfriend had no right to do what he did, and please know you are not to blame. I’m sorry you’re feeling so fragile right now; nothing is wrong with you, and you don’t have to change. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. I know it’s tough, but you got this, you will get through this, and we will be here for you the whole way. If you need anything at all, I hope you never hesitate to reach out.

    Best,
    Jasmine

  41. odishoe Volunteer

    Hi Lana, I’m sorry this is happening to you. if he loved you he wouldn’t hurt you like that. and don’t blame yourself with this. he has lost respect for himself and you. the best thing to do to keep yourself and mind healthy is to leave. in this situations people tent to get stuck and not do anything but please after 10 years its time to move on and focus on yourself only. if you need more help please feel free to contact Crisis Text line text VOICE to 741-741. I wish you the best and thank you for coming here and sharing your story.

  42. Pamela Z Volunteer

    Hello lana,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry you are going through this. Your boyfriend does not deserve you, none of this is your fault and he should respect you as a person. You should be treated with respect and be cared for. Nothing is wrong with you, don’t blame yourself. He is the one that needs to change, not you. You are strong and I know it is tough but you got this. By telling your story here, is gaining your voice. We believe and support you. There are counseling resources in the “Find Help” tab if you are interested.

  43. Ramon Moran Volunteer

    Hello lana,
    Thank you for sharing your story, you are very strong. Do not blame yourself for anything that has happened to you. He had no right to put his hands on you. You are not alone, we are here for you and if you ever need to come back we will be here to hear you out. Nothing is wrong with you, he is the one that is wrong for all he has done to you. He does not have the right to force himself on you or be mad when you do not want to preform any sexual acts for him. You are your own person and have a right to your body. He truly needs to change, you just need more people to talk to and more support. A therapist may be a good idea, however if that is not a possibility there is a help tab up above for future assistance, or you can Text VOICE to 741 741. Take your time to process and feel better. Stay strong.-Ramon

  44. chompyapple1 Volunteer

    Hi, Lana.

    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry your boyfriend hurt you like that. You do not deserve to be treated that way. Please do not blame yourself for still being in that situation. You are incredibly strong for surviving all of that. You don’t have the change. You are not alone. Our “Find Help” tab has very good resources for victims of domestic and sexual assault. Maybe try writing in a journal to take note of your thoughts and emotions. We are always here to listen and talk with you. Stay strong and take care.

  45. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi lana,

    I am glad you found us and felt comfortable sharing what you’re going through. A lot of what you’re describing are common experiences of abuse within intimate relationships – you’re not alone, but being in this situation is definitely not easy to get through. The apologies, the gifts, the self-doubt are all things that make it difficult to recognize and respond to the harm that you’re experiencing. Know that none of this is your fault. You don’t need to change. You’ve taken a really brave first step today: asking for help. By doing this, you’ve shown that you have the strength to leave and can do so if you want to. Do you have a safe place to go? Or a friend that can help you? Feel free to post again as you work through this. We are here for you!

    KatherineL

  46. Caitlin Volunteer

    Lana,

    You are so strong to share your story. I can’t imagine how difficult this is to be going through. You have to know that this isn’t your fault. You have not consented to any of this behavior nor do you deserve to be treated this way. You should feel safe and secure in your own home. There are a lot of things going on and if you don’t have the close support group if can feel as though its too overwhelming to handle. Many people have shared great resources with you already and I encourage you to take a look and see which one resonates with you.

    You deserve to be happy, healthy, and safe.

    Come back anytime. We are here

    -Caitlin

  47. musicislove

    Hi lana,

    I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. None of it is your fault, you don’t deserve any of the pain you’re feeling. Your boyfriend has no right to hurt you or force you to do anything you don’t want to, that’s not okay. I’m sorry you’re feeling so fragile right now, you’re not useless though.You have so much worth and you deserve so much happiness and safety. Abusive relationships are so hard because there are always good times mixed in with the abuse, and that makes it so hard to know what to do. You deserve to be safe though, and you deserve to be with someone that won’t hurt you. We have a ton of resources under our Find Help tab and we’re here for you to offer support and help with whatever you need. Please come back any time!

    Delaney

  48. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi lana,
    I’m so sorry that this is happening. This is not your fault. You are not useless. You are beautiful. What your boyfriend is doing to you is not right. If you want to leave him you can. I know there are always good memories mixed in with the abuse. I was in an abusive relationship where my ex would hurt me and then cover it up with gifts. If you want to leave him, you are going to be okay. You have us to help you whatever choice you want to make. You can use our find help tab on top right of this page to find resources and other helpful information. You are not alone. We are here for you and we want you to feel safe and happy. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong. You can always write back if you want.
    -Alyssa

  49. Ashley Day Captain

    lana, thank you for taking the time to come forward with your story. We hear you.

    I can only imagine how emotionally and physically exhausting being in an abusive relationship must be.
    Since your boyfriend was caring and thoughtful, it’s understandable that you felt comfortable moving in with him.
    It’s not okay that he would question you about who you were with or looked through your phone; there should be trust in relationships. He had no right to become aggressive with you or place his hands on you. You did nothing wrong. You have the right to be treated with respect.
    It sounds like your boyfriend is isolating you from your family and it makes sense that’s causing you to feel lonely. There’s nothing wrong with you. However, it’s wrong that your boyfriend tries to use gifts as a way to excuse the physical abuse. It sounds like there’s a part of you that holds onto that caring and thoughtful person he was, which isn’t abnormal.
    I wish that he wouldn’t have made you cry or feel useless. When you told him that you didn’t want anything to do with him, he should have respected your wishes by giving you space. I wish there was someone to comfort you while you’re hiding in the bathroom and crying.
    https://www.loveisrespect.org/ is a great resource. You can call, chat, or text with a relationship advocate 24/7. You don’t have to endure this alone. Please stay safe and remember to delete your browsing history.

    We’re here for you.

    Ashley

  50. colton95 Volunteer

    You seem like a wonderful person who deserves to be happy and live a fulfilling life. I know things seem really bleak right now and that you’re beyond repair, but you do deserve happiness. It’s okay to forgive people who hurt you, but it’s also okay to distance themselves from your life and remember them negatively or completely forget about them. He really hurt you and deserves to be punished for what he did. You did nothing wrong. If you want, you can click on the FIND HELP tab on this website and see if there are any resources that can help you get through all that you’re feeling right now. Feel free to share whenever and whatever you want to. Stay strong and positive!

  51. Araceli1090 Volunteer

    Hello Iana,

    Im sorry to hear what about everything that has happened to you. I’m sorry to hear that he treats you that way.

    You are a strong individual, never forget that. I admire your bravery because you went ahead and shared your story with us. I know you are in a hard place right now. I know its not easy to leave him but when you are ready, we are here to support you. I hope you find that hope that you lost. I know its still in there with you. I hope you make the decision thats best for you and no one else. I know it might be difficult, but I know that you have the strength that it takes to do whats best for YOU.

    we are here for you! you should check out our “find help” tab for more resources.

  52. Karenv12 Volunteer

    Hello Lana,

    I would like to start off by saying that you are so strong for sharing your story with us, I know it was not something easy to do. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. he had absolutely no right to treat you in that way. You don’t deserve none of what you are going through. you are strong and beautiful and you deserve someone who treats you with respect and love. if you need anymore help or support you can click the “find help” tab for more resources.

  53. jcastle38 Volunteer

    Hi lana,

    I am so sorry to hear about all of the abuse you have gone through. He has absolutely no right to treat you that way. I know you may be scared to leave because of something that he might do to you but you do not deserve to stay a minute longer having to deal with all of that emotional and physical abuse. You are beautiful, and so strong and you deserve someone that will let you know that you are! I am glad you have the strength to talk about it, if you need more resources visit our “Find Help” tab. We are here to listen to you always! Stay strong, I am sending you lots of love and hope you are in a better, and safer environment very very soon.

  54. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi lana,
    I hear you’re going through a lot right now. You don’t deserve to be abused, and this is not your fault. I’ve heard it can be very difficult to leave an abusive relationship because we remember the good things about that person. Abuse can be a cycle in which a person abuses someone, then they apologize, but they don’t put in the effort to change afterwards, which perpetuates the cycle. However, you don’t deserve to be treated this way. You don’t deserve what this person is putting you through, and you can’t change them. Instead, you deserve someone who treats you with respect and love and accepts you for who you are. Feeling and being safe is so important, especially in a relationship. I agree with the other volunteers; your safety and health are the first priorities here. Even though leaving may not be easy, it may be the best decision for you in the long run.
    Thank you for sharing your story. I hope sharing helped you find your voice. I believe you can find hope again, and I also believe that when you’re ready, you can make a change. We’re here to support and listen to you, and you’re not alone.

  55. karinakalke Volunteer

    Hi lana,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. That took a lot of courage. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You don’t deserve any of it, and it is not your fault. I know that leaving is scary, but you deserve to be safe. There are some resources under the “Find Help” tab that may be useful. We are always here for you.

    Sending love and support,
    Karina

  56. sarahsays Volunteer

    Hey lana,

    I want to thank you for sharing your story with us. I know you are going through a lot right now and I can’t begin to imagine the stress you’re under. This cycle you are trapped in is a difficult one, but it isn’t your fault.

    I know leaving seems scary. But staying is scarier. Like many of the other comments have said, you’re putting yourself at risk. You deserve safety, love, and to be treated right. I’m so sorry that he is continuing to hurt you.

    There is nothing that you can do to fix him or change this situation. I know that is hard to hear, but it stems back to the fact that this is not your fault or a circumstance you created, it is abuse.

    10 years is a long time, but I promise you, speaking from experience, that you can have a long, happy life after this once you leave. I hope you can check out some of the resources we have on our site and make a plan. We are here for you and support you all the way.

  57. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Lana,
    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m sorry that you’re going though this abuse. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. He may be nice at times, but he is also someone who is willing to hurt you. I really think you should leave him and get somewhere safe. Are you still in touch with any of your friends or family that you could stay with for a while? Or possibly even a women’s shelter temporarily. Please keep us updated if you are able to. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  58. zelda Day Captain

    Hi, Iana, I’m really sorry to hear about the abuse you are experiencing. Is there a safe place for you to go, particularly a place your boyfriend does not know?

    Physically abusive relationships never end well. In my last relationship, I was almost killed. He died 2 months later, but there are many times where I’ll reminisce on the good, and there are many times I tell myself that he is a good man, just broken.

    However, even if he was a good man, he was a man that attempted to kill me because he thought I cheated on him.

    I’m not writing you my story to scare you; I’m writing you my story to help you. For your safety, health and happiness, you need to leave him.

    If you are isolated from family or friends, see if you can find a safe house or women’s shelter in your area. Do you have a car and a driver’s license? Do you still have your phone? Pack your essentials and go. Every moment you stay with him, your life is in danger.

    I got lucky, in a sense. Kyle passed before I was able to go back to him. Even though I still mourn him and miss him, I also know that he had no issue hurting me so deeply. He would have hurt me again too, if he had gotten the chance.

    I don’t want this man to get another chance. Iana, you deserve nothing like abuse! Even if you were cheating, you still don’t deserve to be hit or raped! You deserve a man who will love you unconditionally, and you deserve a happy life, free from terror, pain and fear.

    If there is anything I can do for you, please reach out as soon as you can. I’m here for you, and I’m here to help.

    My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Leaving is not normally easy and risk-free, but it’s better than living with a violent man.

    Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you have found some peace and clarity on AVFTI. No matter what decision you make (whether you choose to leave or stay), we’re all rooting for you and supporting you. Please take care, Iana.

  59. Neesha Volunteer

    I cannot begin to describe the high regard I have for you and your vulnerability to share something so painful. You had a relationship that seemed like it started well and he devolved into someone you did not recognize. It makes sense that you were shocked and froze the first time he laid hands on you. You had a brave moment when you told him you didn’t want anything to do with him. He raped you and of course you cried and that love you had for him shattered.
    I hope you find a way to leave and be safe. You deserve to be safe. It’s hard to share and thank you for trusting us.

  60. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey there lana,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It takes a lot of strength to get to a point where you can talk about what’s going on, and that’s so important. We’re here for you and believe you. You don’t deserve the abuse that has been happening, regardless of how long you’ve been with him or how good the good days are. We have some resources in our “Find Help” tab that might resonate with you in this abusive situation and help continue to strengthen you.

    You don’t need to change yourself in order to deserve love. You deserve to feel safe just as you are. Are you able to spend some time with family away from him or to leave the situation entirely? Your safety is absolutely the priority, even though it’s hard to make that step. We’re here for you any time you want to share. I’m sending lots of love and light your way!

  61. VolunteerNem Volunteer

    Hi Lana,
    Thank you for being really brave and sharing your story with us. First of all I am sorry that you have been going through this, it must be so hard to go through this often. It isn’t your fault that this is happening to you, but change needs to come because it is not right to experience being hurt. Please use the “Find Help” tab at the top if you need direct assistance. Stay Safe and we hope you post an update.

  62. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, Lana. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry your boyfriend hurt you like that. You do not deserve to be treated that way and it isn’t right. Abusive situations are rarely black and white, and I don’t think you should blame yourself for still being in that situation. I think you are incredibly strong for surviving all of that. Your reaction to being abused and manipulated is completely normal and pretty common. Try not to blame yourself. I believe you have the strength in you to leave or make a change when you are ready. There are people out there who have gone through what your going through or still in it. You are not alone. Please look into the Resources tab, there are lots of groups for victims of domestic violence and sexual assault that might help you find the support you are looking for. I think silence in violent situations can be dangerous, so maybe consider telling one person what’s going on or making a journal of these moments. Journaling might also help you process what you’re going through as well. Stay safe and we’re here for you if you need us.

  63. leoreslavick Volunteer

    Hi Lana,
    I just wanted to start off by saying thank you for being so brave and sharing your story with us. It must have taken a a lot of emotions to open up with your story. You are describing an abusive relationship that you have put in so much time and energy into who you thought was a good guy. It’s totally normal to reminisce because you are thinking of who the person your boyfriend used to be or who he has the potential to become but that person is not him anymore. The more you wait for him the more you are giving him the chance to hurt you more and are jeopardizing your mental health in the process. I know I obviously don’t know all of the good things that he has done for you but the bottom line is that no one should be hurting you or being physically abusive towards you, no one. You deserve to be with someone that treats you with love and respect. Someone that is kind and does good things for you without being physically and mentally abusive. And I believe that you can and will find someone like that but you have to give yourself the chance and opportunity to do so. I know people in the comments below have provided you with counseling numbers and resources we have available on the site so maybe try reaching out to them to get more insight and advice on your situation. I know you are in a lot of pain and are conflicted on what to do so these resources would really help to get some guidance.
    Sending so much love and support your way,
    Leore

  64. SarahLove Volunteer

    Hi Lana,

    Welcome to AVFTI! I am thankful you trust us with your story, and I want to let you know we are here for you with absolutely no judgment.

    You are not wrong to have these feelings. You trusted him, and he hurt you physically and emotionally. I know you love him, but I don’t think there is a way for him to change. It saddens me that you experienced this for over ten years. You did not deserve to be treated like this. You deserve to smile and be treated respectfully. I hope sharing your story with us made you feel it’s possible to find your voice again. Think of this as your first step towards recovery.

    Please keep us update
    Stay Strong,
    Sarah Love

  65. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Lana,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. You did not do anything to deserve what is happening to you and much of what you are describing is what many of us have experienced in abusive relationships. It will not change unless you both seek to change things and learn to have a healthy relationship (often, this requires a counselor or therapist). Please reach out for help if you are in danger. I know that it is terrifying to think of leaving but you can do it if you are ready to. You deserve to be safe. Sam already gave you this number, but I am giving it to you again because it is important. They can help you find resources in your area if you want/need them: National Domestic Violence Hotline 800. 799. SAFE (7233).
    Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help and write to us as often as you would like.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  66. ericasarkisyan Volunteer

    Thank you so much for sharing your story and I am so sorry you are going through this. You are placed in a very difficult position and people are not going to fully understand the decision you have made to stay all of these years. You did not want to give up on something that you thought could potentially be amazing and you wanted to believe he would change. I personally do think people could change and I’ve seen it myself, however, it is very rare and it is not something you should sit around and wait for. I am sure he is a good man and you know a side of him that nobody else does. When revealing details of the inside of an abusive relationship, the only things that are revealed are the bad parts and most people are so quick to criticize the victim for staying around. However, nobody knows about all the good parts you have experienced together, the parts that gave you hope that he would change one day. With that being said, everyone has a breaking point and you shouldn’t wait around long enough to suffer yours. You need to make the decision to prioritize your mental health because nobody is worth losing your peace of mind. I know it is not an easy decision to make but it is much harder living in an endless nightmare. I much rather pick up all the pieces off the floor and glue them back together one last time than sit around and wait to get shattered all over again. You are worth love and respect, do not settle for less. If your gut is telling you that this relationship doesn’t feel right, I would not ignore those feelings. It is your decision at the end of the day and there is no judgment no matter what you choose to do. We just want the best for you.

    With love,
    Erica

  67. Breanna Volunteer

    Hi Iana,

    Thank you for coming and sharing with us. I can imagine how hard this has been for you. I’m so sorry your boyfriend has been abusive. It is not your fault. You did not, and do not, deserve it. It’s hard when you’ve been connected with someone for so long and things start to take a different turn. It can feel really devastating and isolating. But you are not alone. Would you be comfortable speaking with a counselor? They might be able to help you get out of this situation. We care about you, and we are here for you.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  68. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for speaking up and sharing your story with us. That takes so much courage, and I’m glad this platform has allowed you to use your voice. Firstly, I’m so sorry for the abuse that you’ve had to endure, and that you’ve felt that you couldn’t to talk to anyone about what you’ve been going through. I can’t imagine how painful it must be to go through all this alone, so reaching out here was the smart and insightful thing to do. You don’t deserve what’s happening to you. You deserve to be treated right, to smile, and to feel secure and confident with yourself. It sounds like you’re in a painful place, and are conflicted about what to do. That’s completely understandable to not know what to do next, and we’re here to help and support you in any way we can. Firstly, if you ever feel overwhelmed or need to talk to someone you can always reach out here, or text VOICE to 741-741 to speak to a trained counselor. There are also helpful resources under the “find help” tab on this website with information for resource centers, hotlines, counseling services, and more. You should be proud of yourself for taking the first step today in making your well-being a priority. Please take care, and don’t hesitate to share again.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Rachel

  69. slozoya1120 Volunteer

    Hi lana,

    I am sorry that you are being put through all this physical and emotional abuse. It is not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you. Do not blame yourself for the actions of others; he needs help, and you need to feel safe and loved. Confiding in family can be hard, but I am sure your family loves you. Leaving is not easy, but you need to think of yourself, put you first above all else. You do not deserve this type of treatment. If you can, and feel comfortable calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline, you can. Here is the number: 800. 799. SAFE (7233). Please take care and stay safe.

    -Sam

  70. coachdiggs Volunteer

    Hello Lana,
    First I wanted to say thank for you sharing your story. I am sorry for what you are going through. I wanted to say it is not your fault and you do not deserve for what is taking place. I would honestly you should talk to a counselor it can help you out. It can be a place where you can get to vent and also ask for advice. I also say you should talk to your family to get their input, so they can also help you out. I would say if you need more help I would say can text VOICE to 741 741. Lastly, I wanted to say thank you again for sharing your story.
    Kevin

  71. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for what you are going through and what is happening right now. What I can say is that you don’t deserve what is happening to you, and that it isn’t your fault. People who care about you wouldn’t harm you in this way, and you have a right to feel hurt and harmed. Is there something more we can do to help you? Would you feel safe staying with someone else for a bit, or reaching back out to your family? Let us know how we can help you feel safe. You can also text VOICE to 741 741, if you need more immediate resources and help.

    Erin

  72. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there lana,

    I want to start by saying I am so sorry for what you have been through, and what you are going through. You don’t deserve it, and it is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you, and there is no reason to place blame on yourself. If it’s something you are ready and comfortable with, is there a family member or friend that you trust? If so, maybe you could tell them what’s been happening and stay with them for a little while? Please stay safe. You deserve happiness and to be treated with kindness. I hope that sharing your story here and using your voice was helpful to you, and I hope this can be a first step for you on your journey to healing. If you need resources or further help in your area, please check out our “Find Help” tab. We are here for you. You are not alone.

    Carmen

  73. heretohelp101 Volunteer

    Hi lana,
    I am so sorry about everything that you have been through,
    let me start off by saying there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There was nothing that has happened that has been your fault, do not blame yourself. You writing to us your story is an amazing step and you should be proud of yourself for speaking your truth. Healing and growth is something that everyone goes through and handles differently. There is no time line or map of things you need to do at a specific time. Take your time, you will be ok and we are here for you.
    Please check out the ‘Find Help’ tab here on AVFTI and please come back to write some more whenever you would like, I would love to hear from you again.
    Best wishes,
    -Jan