Since Monday I have been hurting mentally cause of all the hell that I have been through.

My mind is recalling the rape, over and over, it reminds me of how my family degraded me only furthering the hurt.

I’ve been crying because of the nightmares I’ve had for nearly 40 years.

I don’t want to bring Crystal down to the level of my depression, even though I try and act like nothing is wrong, she sort of senses my feelings and without a word she just holds me close to her.

Please tell me am I going crazy, or is this something that I have to deal with throughout my life?

Sorry for the stress relapse, I just feel I can’t make it some days.

Please forgive me and my fears.


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17 comments

  1. enimsaj

    I am sorry you have been struggling the last few days. No need to apologize though, all of it is understandable and even normal. I am sorry that your family seems to not be supportive. Do you have others in your life to make up for the support? Sounds like Crystal is a wonderful support for you, don’t be afraid to ask her for help when you need it! Thank you for posting about how you’re feeling, it makes others and yourself realize none of us our alone

  2. Solongago Volunteer

    I agree with those who are suggesting therapy. This group is great, because folks here do understand. But I think, that a solid support network has different sources of support, and each source seems to provide for different needs. Some overlap, but getting a therapist on board might ease the load on Crystal and make your relationship with her even stronger at the same time.

  3. Edjay Volunteer

    Hey,

    It’s totally okay to have these feelings. You have been through a lot, and it’s understandable that there will be good days, and there will be bad days. You don’t have to apologize for what you’re feeling, but please know that what you are feeling is valid. I appreciate you reaching out about this. Stay strong.

    Edjay

  4. calshaw Day Captain

    focus.1968,

    You do not need to be sorry for your feelings. These are normal and completely okay feelings to have. I’m so sorry you are having a rough time lately and on top of everything else you have been through. I’m happy you have a support system withing Crystal, she seems to be so helpful and caring. I don’t think you’ll bring her down. Recovery from trauma is hard, and the PTSD you re experiencing is even harder. But these are steps to recovery. You are not crazy, never have been and never will be. Throughout your life you will not have to deal with this, but right now is a key point to leading to recovery. When you are ready it is probably best to find a therapist for you and even Crystal so you both can tackle this together. I understand that may be hard, sometimes there are even just support groups in surrounding areas or online forums like this one. Don’t be afraid to reach out and uses the resources around you, but when you are ready to. We are always here for you and love hearing your updates. Thank you for constantly sharing and coming forward with your feelings. You have 100% of our support, Keep moving forward!

    -Shawn

  5. rkr18 Volunteer

    focus.1968,
    Oh my gosh don’t apologize these are real feelings and I am great full that you can share it with us. We are here for you and whenever you need to release please don’t hesitate to reach out. Also, let us know if there is anything you need.

    -Marie

  6. MinZRivers Volunteer

    William, I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time. Maybe it’s time to seek out some therapy. There you can learn ways to deal with everything you’re going through. Crystal is an awesome support system. However; A therapist can work with both of you to develop a plan that will bring you closer to recovery. You have some things going on that I know first hand, can be helped through therapy. I keep you both in my prayers, and wish you guys all the best. Much love?-Kia

  7. Hannah

    Hey there,
    It’s okay to have bad days sometimes. Not everyday will be perfect, but the difference now is that you have someone to support you. Have you thought about therapy or support groups to help you through these relapses? You didn’t deserve any of the hurt your family put you through, but now you can move forward from that. Focus on your well being and keep staying strong. We’ll always be here to listen.
    Hannah

  8. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    There is nothing to forgive. You may be going through some PTSD-like symptoms-which happens when you have been through a trauma. Can you get in with a therapist to work through some of these fears? That may be of help-I’m glad Crystal is there for you.

    Erin

  9. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    Thank you for updating us. I’m sorry that you’ve been hurting. You’re not going crazy. You’ve been through so much, and it will take time to recover. Ups and downs are a part of recovery. I’m sorry your family kept degrading you. You don’t deserve that. Other people’s responses can sometimes make us feel much worse.
    I don’t think this will bring Crystal down because she understands your pain. I think telling Crystal how you feel could help. She would be able to support you and you might feel better if you tell her.
    I know you’ll get through this. You’re a strong person. We’re here to support you, and you can always talk to us. I hope you feel better soon.

  10. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    It’s good to hear back from you. I’m sorry you aren’t feeling okay. It’s totally fine that you aren’t feeling okay. Everyone gets like this sometimes. Just give it time and you will feel better. Just try to think positively and one second at a time. Don’t think about trying to make it through the day because that can be hard sometimes. If you think of it as getting through seconds that is easier. Feel better.
    -Alyssa

  11. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,
    You have no reason to apologize were always here for you and it seems like Crystal understands to. You should express how your feeling to her its good to talk about how your feeling. Talking helps to work through and heal. You are in no way crazy and you have so much strength! There will be days when it feels like a complete setback but its not its just a bad day. You have courage and strengths and your not alone. Were always here for you and if we could help in and other way please let us know!
    Kailey

  12. Gavin Bonar

    focus.1968,

    You have nothing to apologize for. What happened to you was completely unjustified and Crystal certainly understands. It’s normal to have those off days so you aren’t going crazy or anything. I firmly believe that you have the strength to get through this period of time.

    Please come back and share when you feel alone. You always have us in your corner!

  13. kierstrand

    Hi,
    No need to apologize for feeling the way you feel! AVFTI is a safe place to share. I really hope things start to turn around for you. You deserve happiness. You’re always welcome here. Remember that you are brave and courageous.

  14. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,
    Please don’t apologize, there is nothing for you to ask forgiveness for. We are here to help you through those tough times; you are always safe with AVFTI. I am sure Crystal wants you to feel safe with her as well and wants to be able to help you. It is probably best to tell her what you are feeling and when you are feeling better, the two of you can make a plan for what to do if/when your rough days come around again. You have gone a long time dealing with your trauma and having it aggravated instead of healed; it is going to take more than a few months to work through it and heal. The best way to do that, is to have a strong connection with someone and you are so lucky to have Crystal for that. If you need to talk to someone, you might want to try the crisis line by texting VOICE to 741-741. They can help you work things out too. You are so strong and now you have a lot of support and love. You are not alone and you’ve got this.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  15. Jamie Marie Volunteer

    There’s no need for you to apologize at all.
    You are strong, and you’ll get through this with us by your side.
    It’s okay and normal to have our off days, trust me.
    You’re a strong man, and you’ll get through this.

  16. blashea Volunteer

    There is absolutely no need to apologize. You’re going to have good days as well as bad, and we’re going to be here for all of them. Just as crystal will be. I am so sorry to hear that things aren’t going the best for you right now. I really hope that they start to look up again. I know that they will. You’re so strong and you’ve already conquered so much.

  17. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I am sorry you are dealing with this pain and memories right now. It is normal for them to creep up on us and invade our brains. But that is why we have support systems. Like us at AVFTI. Crystal loves you and she is now a huge part of your life. I don’t think this would bring her down. Im sure she is wondering what is going on and probably wants to help. We are always here for you as well. And never apologize for what you are feeling. And you can make it. Think of how far you have came. Think of all the good and love that is in your life now. Keep staying strong
    Kristin