I think it’s time I share my story in light of something that happened today.
I had a nightmare about my abuser last night. I didn’t think too much of it because I don’t even remember what he looks like. Earlier today I thought I saw him. I don’t think it was him, but the guy looked so much like him. It was just from a reflection in the side mirror of the guys truck but I started having a panic attack thinking it was him. “I’d know him if I saw him”.
In highschool I dated a guy. He was the first guy who was ever nice to me so I looked past the red flags. We had been experimenting sexually for most of our relationship but I don’t recall him ever making me uncomfortable until the night I told him to stop, and he didn’t. He wanted to have intercourse and I didn’t.
It upset me and I broke up with him over it. He turned into a maniac over the breakup. He would stalk me, call me constantly, use my friends to get to me. My parents just kept saying “Just ignore him”.
He got kicked out of school. He would show up to wait for me after school despite being bann from school grounds. He got away with it because he would lie and say he was there to walk one of my other friends home. One day he found out I broke up with my girlfriend that I had had and to her face said “Good that means I can get in her (my) pants”. My ex wailed on him until the principal and police officer at the school stopped her. She didn’t get in trouble since he wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place.
One night he found my boyfriend at a football game and called me from his phone. My parents saw me shaking uncontrollably and having a bad panic attack. They still told me to “ignore him”.
The timeline of all of this is blurry now. He harassed me constantly and my parents refused to help me get help. He threatened my life weekly. I didn’t have any proof to seek help myself since he’s always call me from blocked or unknown numbers. At some point he went to boot camp. He showed up at my house and my parents let him in despite my pleads not to. He told them, while in our living room, how he got dishonorably discharged for being homicidal. My parents deny anything like that happened.
Finally one day he messed up and sent me a Myspace message that included a death threat. I was able to show the police officer at my school and the officer contacted my ex’s parents. They of course denied their son did anything wrong but he was warned that if he kept harassing me I could file a police report and get a restraining order. That finally got him to leave me alone for awhile. I think he knew he only had to leave me alone for however long the law stated because I remember him leaving some ugly voicemails from a blocked number. After that I never heard from him again.
I had PTSD for the next 5 years. Jumping every time an unknown number called. Constant nightmares about him trying to rape and kill me. Always looking over my shoulder. Having a panic attack any time I saw someone that looked like him. Even after moving states I was constantly paranoid.
11 years later I had thought I had moved on and healed finally, after years of therapy, until today. The fear is back. All the memories are back. The fear that he’s been here this whole time is eating at me. I’m planning on calling my therapist first thing tomorrow. In the meantime, thanks for listening.