i sound like a broken record

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I know I’m sounding like a broken record but I am just so heart broken and tired all I can do is just cry.

Yesterday, my mother told me that if she had to do it over again she’d get herself fixed so she couldn’t have me, she blames me from being born, messing her life up, being sick early in my life, being raped and sexually abused, ruining our family ties, losing my job cause of a brain bleed I’m still suffering with, all the while I am taking care of her as she’s gotten older.

So when she sees me or hears me cry, she makes me feel like I’m a failure, she makes me feel ashamed because I’ve never been loved, she makes me feel ashamed cause I was raped and haven’t gotten over it, she tells me that she hasn’t forgiven me for shaming her for allowing myself, her son to be raped.

I certainly know why I cry, there’s a lot of baggage, so please once again I want to tell you how sorry I am for being like this and crying but even though I know I’ll make it, sometimes it hurts so much, thank you for being there and listening
AKA help me.1968


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6 comments

  1. CarmenR Volunteer

    You have nothing to be sorry for. We are here to listen and to help. Your feelings are completely natural. I’m so sorry your mother is treating you and speaking to you the way she is. You deserve so much better. You take care of her and are a kind person. Please remember that you are strong, and if you ever need to talk more immediately or, like Erin said, with someone more equipped to help, then please contact the hotline Erin provided. You can do this.

    Carmen

  2. Heather GG

    Everyone deserves to be loved including you. You deserve love.

    I’m sorry you are struggling.

  3. Erin Day Captain

    You don’t have to be sorry to us for ANYTHING. You have been through tremendous pain. If you weren’t crying, I would be thoroughly surprised. You are allowed to feel how you feel. If you need to talk to someone who might be more equipped to help than we are, text VOICE to 741-741. We have a partnership with a crisis line to get your some more immediate help if you need it.

    Erin

  4. Kristen Eby

    Please don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. Your mother is abusing you, despite the fact that you are caring for her. You know, she’d be nowhere without you. It breaks my heart that she doesn’t realize that. I mean, where would she live without you? Who would care for her, if you’d never been born? You have no obligation to do these things – especially after how she’s treated you – yet you do. I think it’s clear who is the stronger person here.

  5. Jacqui

    I am so sorry that your mother said such horrible things. That is awful. I think it speaks more volumes about the type of person she is, not about who you are. I wish I could make her stop saying those things. Is there a way to not have contact with her? You do not deserve to hear such horrible things. You are not a failure. You are a wonderful person. The way our caregivers react to our trauma has a huge impact on how we are affected by our trauma.

    1. focus.1968

      Some days after everything has been said or done I will just sit in a chair or lie down on the couch downstairs and just begin crying, I can’t explain why it happens it just does. I think what bothers me at times is how she views her pets, in the past she will show affection to them, I often wonder why she couldn’t with me, when I would tell her that’s when she would say she’s ashamed of me cause of how I turned out, and that I’m jealous of the dogs, no I don’t hold that against them, I hold it against her cause she’s the one doing it, and in my mind she knows what she’s doing and that doesn’t excuse her actions, again thank you for listening, and understanding. I only hope I’m not too sensitive when it comes to how she treats our pets, I just wanted to be loved that’s all