I knocked myself out

599 15

Over the weekend, I made a very stupid decision, perhaps I will regret this decision for the rest of my life, I hope not, but I never felt that I deserved to feel or be loved.

Perhaps it’s cause of my whole life, and how fucked up it’s been, that I ask and wonder do I deserve to be and feel loved, and who am I to ruin someone’s life by being with them, when they can have so much better.

So here I sit in the pit that the world, and myself have created for myself. You know the living hell that I’ve created for myself.

So unfortunately I am where this hell first started in taking care of my mother.

I know that I feel like a damn ass, coming back to this way of life.

Friday was probably the hardest day in my life saying goodbye to my angel, knowing how much I wanted to be loved, but sacrificing that for the better good for my Angel’s sake, I know she can and most likely find more happiness, and love rather than being with my sorry ass.

I realize I most likely ruined the only chance I could have, but I couldn’t allow my Angel’s life be so fucked up by being with me, I just couldn’t.

Please if you can forgive the crazy decision I made, try to understand, and most of all don’t judge me, I have, as well as society has done that my whole life.

I just want to be understood and accepted, at this horrible moment in my life.

Join the Conversation


  1. MinZRivers Volunteer

    Focus.1968, you have become a part of our family here at AVFTI. Our dear brother William, you are not sorry! Or any of those other bad words you called yourself. You didn’t and wasn’t going to mess Crystals life up in any way. She gave you the happiness you deserve, and loving you gave her happiness likewise. I’m sorry you walked away. It’s easy to feel like a burden on the ones who we love the most. I know how that is. But we must remind ourselves that emotions are only that. And not always our reality. I hope and pray you can find a way to continue to better yourself. Let us know if you need any resources. We are always here for you out dear brother. Sending you much love?-Kia

  2. rkr18 Volunteer


    Hello, we are not here to judge you. We all make decisions for a reason, and you made this one because you felt you had to. Don’t be hard on yourself you are a selfless person, thinking about the well being of others. Let us know if you need anything we are here for you, Also, I am praying for you to find happiness and peace. You deserve that.

  3. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    We wouldn’t judge you. We don’t judge you. I will say, that even if you don’t feel it yourself, we know that you deserve happiness and to be cared for. It doesn’t matter what you’ve been through. We all deserve that. Let us know what we can do to help. We are here for you.


  4. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. It is admirable how you put others feelings ahead of your own. That is a very strong and brave thing to do. You deserve to be happy and loved. We all support, accept, and understand you. None of us are judging the decision that you made. I know it’s hard sometimes, but try not to be so hard on yourself! You have a lot of great qualities and wonderful things to offer everyone around you. I hope things start to look up for you soon!! Please never hesitate to keep us updated!

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m sorry you’re going through so much pain. You’re a compassionate and selfless person who deserves to be loved. I hope you will be happy, and I know you will have more chances at love. We’ll always be here for you. Thank you for updating us.

  6. MH Volunteer

    Hey focus.1968,
    I am sorry for everything that you are going through. As I have told you numerous times, everyone deserves to be loved- everyone INCLUDES you! I do not judge you for any decision that you have made- i just truly hope that it allows you to be happy in the end. We are always here for you!

  7. BuildingMyselfBetter

    Everyone deserves to be loved, never count yourself out on that.
    Know that all good things take time, and you will build something beautiful for yourself.
    Don’t apologize for your life, it has its own twists and turns, and they will make you stronger.

    Believe in yourself. Stay strong, and know you are not alone in the way you feel. You have people who understand and want to be here for you.

  8. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry this happened. It is hard to let go of someone you care so much about. I will never judge you for this choice. You wanted her to be happy and you felt like that wasn’t with you. I know that is hard to say and feel, but if that is what you wanted, you will be able to get through this. You can still be in contact with her as a friend, I think that might help the situation that way you are not just ending things and never speaking or seeing each other again. That might be hard for your angel if you never got to see each other again.
    You will always be accepted here. Thank you for updating us. Continue to stay strong.

  9. Jamie Marie Volunteer

    I know it hurts now, but please don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s difficult for people like us to accet love from those who are genuine, and we believe they deserve better than what we can give them.
    Rest assured, each and every one of us deserves to be and feel loved, like you. You’re definitely selfless, and care about her feelings more than yours.
    Stay strong, okay? We’ve got your back, no matter what.

  10. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, focus.1968. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Please remember you are worthy of love and deserve to be treated with respect.

  11. alexcostello Volunteer

    Hi there,
    I am so sorry that you are going through so much pain at the moment, please know we wouldn’t ever judge you, I promise you are here among friends and people that care greatly about you. It breaks my heart to hear you being so hard on yourself, I promise you you don’t deserve it, after reading your submissions over the last few months i know that you are incredibly caring and strong and i wish you could see that also. I promise you that you are loved, you are cared for and we will always be here for you.
    Sending love to you always, please message us if you need anything at all

  12. Jaydca29 Volunteer

    You’ve come to the right place to be understood and accepted. It sounds like you made a selfless decision for someone you loved, even knowing it would hurt you. I hope you can find your way, and if you need help, know that we are here for you.

  13. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,
    I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. We are not here to judge you and you have no reason to ask our forgiveness for making decisions in your life. We care about you, we accept you, and we want you to have happiness. I know for a fact that Crystal wants you to feel loved and happy too. Please remember that you are worthy of love and you deserve happiness. No matter what, do not allow your mother and her friends to cause you to forget that. Keep breathing, you can do this, you are not alone.
    Sending you love and strength,

  14. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,
    I’m so sorry about what happened between you and your angel. You do deserve love and happiness and I don’t think you messed up her life in any way. People are here to teach us things and help us grow. You will be happy one day and you will have more chances at love. we are always here for you and appreciate you coming back and updating us.

  15. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hi focus,
    I am sorry to hear about you and your angel. I know it hurts like a lot but don’t beat your self up. You do deserve to be love. And that wasnt your only chance. People come into our lives when we need them. She showed you you do deserve love. You can be happy and your are doing well. I know you think you may have messed up her life by being with her but I bet she doesn’t see it that way. I’m sure it hurts for her too. You have a beautiful soul and one day you will find someone who will truly make you so happy because we do get second chances especially in love. I believe we can have one great love and even another if we are lucky. I think you are lucky. You are a good person with a good heart. Don’t apologize to us. We want to be there with you and listen. Keep you chin up. Much love