I just want to feel safe

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Who would’ve known the one person who stopped my suicide attempt, is now one of the leading causes why I want to end my life on a daily basis? March is the month where my sister’s ex ended up in my bed drunk knowingly, and purposefully knew I was asleep nude. He was warned not to do it, but he did, therefore he brought out the dormant memories of the rape a couple of years prior.

I still see his face clearly, I hear his voice, smell the alcohol (with no thanks to my mom for her wine habits), and the constant reminders of my sister in my old bedroom. I feel I have no sense of peace, no safety anymore. I did have it when I moved to Ohio, but that’s a different story i’m sure you’re aware of by now…

I can feel him grabbing me by my throat threatening to “break me”, or the time he gave me a full body massage and made remarks about my lower region, or him beating down the door when he was drunk and threatening to kill our older dog ’cause in his words, “She’s dying anyway.” Everything from 2012-2017 is still very much fresh in my mind, and I just feel I made a grave mistake leaving Ohio and coming back to this place…Nothing helps (distractions don’t do shit anymore, I can’t get therapy due to only working part time, all I do is cry every day and beg God to please take it all away from me, I beg for my ex to come back and get me out.) It’s a nightmare wrapped up in a daydream.


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21 comments

  1. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,

    I can’t imagine what you are going through right now, I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this. I don’t know how much it costs but I have heard good things about this app called Better Help. I have shared it on other stories on here, but perhaps it could help you? You pay a monthly fee for it but then they match you with a specific therapist/counselor and you can talk to them via phone call, text message, video chat, etc. any time during the week. This may be more inexpensive and work with your schedule more. I hope that helps a little. If you ever need anything never hesitate to come on here and talk to us. We will always be here for you no matter what <3 Sending hugs your way and always remember that NONE of this was your fault. You are strong and will get through this.

    – Jordan

  2. Sammie101 Volunteer

    Hello friend,

    I’m so sorry that you have to relive all these painful memories and triggers. I know it is definitely a hard time for you, and I am sorry you experienced such a horrific time in your life. Finding appropriate coping skills is difficult, but know you can definitely reach out to us at anytime for help if you need it. We are all here for you.

    Much love

  3. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that you are experiencing these negative emotions right now. Those emotions and memories are so incredibly difficult to deal with. I hope coming here and sharing your story helped in some fashion. If you need anything at all, we are always here for you. If you ever feel like you’re in crisis, please text VOICE to 741-741. Finding resources is difficult and I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing that difficulty. We have a lot of resources under our “Find Help” tab, if that may be beneficial for you. If there’s any other way we can help, please reach out. Thank you for trusting us with your story. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  4. meg Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I am so sorry to hear that you are experiencing these triggers and negative emotions with the resurfacing of the traumatic memories. I want you to know that you are not at fault for any single thing that happened to you. Thank you for being so brave in sharing what you are experiencing with us. Your honesty and openness is a major step in your healing journey. If you feel like it’s too much to handle, please come to us. Text VOICE to 741741 for our crisis line. We support and love you.
    —Meg

  5. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there Jamie Marie,
    I appreciate you for your honesty. I am glad you had that one person who talked you out of suicide. The after effects from any form of abuse sadly are life long. In time, coping mechanisms can be learned to help to work through the discomforts from the memories. I hear your pain in your voice. I know it may seem easy for me to say this, but you are so incredible, & strong. You will get through this! You survived. In time, the impact from what happened will not be so powerful. You are way more powerful than you believe. You mentioned finding a therapist is hard do to your part time work. I know there are places that work on slidding fees, or free. Maybe you could check into local women’s shelters near you. They can direct you to other places if they can’t help. There also is a whole page of resources on our resource page. Hang in there. The memories may seem like they are taking over, but I know as difficult as it is, you can work through them. You can rise above! I know you can & things will get easier. Take care
    Dawn

  6. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thank you for coming here and sharing with us! I’m sorry that this has happened to you and the past has been daunting on you like this. The emotions and thoughts you’ve expressed are definitely overwhelming and exhausting. You do not deserve any of this nor is it your fault for what has happened to you.

    You mentioned that you can’t find therapy or resources near you due to your part-time duties. We have a tab labeled Resources that might help with finding something near you or accessible online. We support you and are here for you. I hope that you’ve found these comments to be reassuring and supportive in the fact that you are not at fault for this and that there is a future ahead of you.

    Stay strong<3

  7. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello Jamie Marie,

    I appreciate your honesty about the suicidal thoughts. We’re here for you.

    It sounds like the memories are vivid– taking that into consideration, it’s understandable that you don’t feel a sense of safety or peace right now. I hope you will come across a coping mechanism that helps soon. You shouldn’t have to carry so much pain.

    Ashley

  8. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with all of these thoughts and feelings right now. Like detox from any highly addictive substance, moving forward from a toxic relationship can be very painful and often difficult. Please feel free to reach out to our crisis text line by texting VOICE to 741741 anytime you’re feeling overwhelmed. Have you explored our resources tab? Often times there are counselors who will see you on a crisis schedule for free or on a sliding payment scale. Things may be dark and difficult right now, but we’re always here for you. Please continue to reach out to us as needed.

    All the best,
    Becca

  9. tbird830 Volunteer

    Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for the update. It sounds like you’re having a really hard time, which absolutely makes sense with what is going on for you. Is state funded insurance an option for you (Medicaid)? Typically those insurance plans cover 100% of therapy costs. There are also other online support communities where you can talk to someone who might understand you one-on-one.

    I will be thinking of you and wishing things will get better for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach back out.

    Tori

  10. Thomas Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for the update. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. I’m sorry that leaving Ohio has been so difficult and I think it is ridiculous that our society doesn’t make therapy and other mental health support more accessible. But as difficult as things can get, don’t forget your strength. You’ve been through so much and you’ve withstood it all. You can keep going! We know you can do this. Stay strong, you are not alone. Please let us know how else we can help.

    Thomas

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I’m so sorry that this happened. This is not your fault. I’m sorry that you have been struggling recently. Just remember you are strong. This is just a bump in the road on your journey to recovery. Things will get better. Thank you for updating us. If you need anything we are here for you.
    -Alyssa

  12. musicislove

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m really sorry you’re still struggling since you moved from Ohio. I hate that therapy can be so expensive, are there any support groups you could join that would work better financially for you? You’ve been through so much and I can’t imagine how hard that’s been, but the important thing is you’re still here. You’re still fighting despite how hard things are and that’s so courageous. I think making a list of what would make you feel safe like was suggested below so that you have a better idea of what to work towards is a great idea. We’re also always here to listen and provide support. Thank you for trusting us with your story and come back anytime you want/need.

    Delaney

  13. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Jamie Marie,

    Thank you for coming by to share another update with us. You’re very brave for coming here and being so open with us. You’ve been through a lot and I hope you know that I think you’re a very strong person for enduring all of the things that have happened in your life.

    I can certainly understand how you might feel unsafe based on what you’ve been through. Your feelings are valid. I hope that coming here and sharing with us helps and I feel like this place is a safe space. What you said about moving back to your hometown resonated with me. I remember feeling the same way when I did that a few years back. I remember feeling unsafe and I was constantly trying to distract myself. It’s like you relive the memories again when you go back because there are so many small reminders everywhere. I hope you know that I understand this feeling and I want to let you know that your feelings are valid and you’re not alone.

    I’m so sorry to hear that you can’t currently get therapy and that you’ve been crying a lot. You can come here and share with us anytime you feel this way and we’ll do what we can to support you 🙂

  14. colton95 Volunteer

    Thank you for being brave by sharing your story on here and it’s good that you’re actively seeking help or positive reinforcements. If you haven’t already, maybe try clicking on the FIND HELP tab on this website and see if there are any free resources that can be beneficial for you. Also feel free to share your thoughts on here whenever you feel like it! Stay strong!

  15. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry that you are still feeling this way and it hasn’t gotten better. Maybe we could try to connect you to free therapy, or maybe group therapy in your area is free? The crisis text line is also always available. We are also always here. We support you.

    Erin

  16. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    It sounds like you have a lot on your mind and a lot to process. What you’re feeling is completely valid, though completely unfair that you’re facing these ongoing struggles as a result of something you didn’t ask for and did nothing to cause. Processing and working through trauma like this can be a long process, so I hope that you’ll continue to share with us and that it helps. I’m sorry that you don’t have access to counseling right now but I hope you’ll consider taking advantage of some of the resources others have shared.

    Everyone has the right to safety and I’m sorry that’s been taken away from you. Don’t blame yourself for making choices that you think now may be a mistake (like moving, you mentioned) because at the time you were doing what you thought was right for you. You’re doing all you can do, and you should be proud of that. One thing I recommend is thinking about (or making a list of) the things you need to feel safe, and trying to make choices to bring that sense of safety back. Stay strong.

    KatherineL

  17. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hey again Jamie Marie,

    Your feelings are so valid. You’re going through a rough time right now, and we’re here for you. You said that you had been in therapy–are there any tools you learned that might be helpful right now? Everybody is different, but something that works for me to help me feel a little more in control is using grounding exercises. These kind of things might help you when you’re feeling particularly down or are dealing with these kinds of flashbacks. Are you also potentially able to move again? It seems like the physical distance from the epicenter of your abuse helped you to start healing. It might not be feasible right now, but it could be something to look forward to and be hopeful for.

    Take some time for yourself this week. Don’t hesitate to come back and update us! We’re always around and want to help.

  18. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hi Jamie
    I am sorry that you are having such a rough time right now. But you are so strong and have come through the fire. I am proud of you. I also completely understand how you must be feeling very lonely since you left ohio and now you do not have the sense of feeling sense of safey of comfort and peace. That is all very scary. Do you have a friend there that you can talk to?
    I love love the idea of decorating your space and making it more homey and safe for you. Those thoughts and emotions are hard to turn off and so are the memories. But you are healing and in time they will just be memories. I am glad you are still here and i am glad you are willing to keep sharing your story with us. Please write back any time. Sending love and support

    Kristin

  19. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    Is there a rape crisis center somewhere around where you are? They do not charge here for counseling and that can be a help in the short run if you have something like that in your area. Usually a good place to find out what services are available in your area is a local church. I understand how hard making that initial contact can be though.

    I am sorry you are going through such a rough period, and someone who was so important to you is now causing you so much grief. If you are only working part time, can you get a medical card through the state? That might be able to help you get the therapy.

    I am worried about you. You are going through such a difficult thing, and it sounds like you are totally unsupported. We care about you here and want to be there for you through this. Sometimes you need more than words on a page, though. You can go to the ER, they can help you find resources.

  20. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    What your sister’s ex did was wrong, and you didn’t deserve it. You’re not at fault for what he did or for how he treated you. It’s understandable that March is a difficult month for you, and I relate to you in that way.
    If you’re not able to move out, could you change your environment so you’ll feel safer? For example, you could use your favorite scent of perfume/a fragrant candle when you smell the alcohol. You could also redecorate your room. You could keep objects around the room that help you feel safe and grounded (maybe reminders of good memories in your childhood, with your friends/family, things that help you feel proud of yourself, etc).
    I hear that you’re feeling trapped. I love what Breanna said about feelings not lasting forever. I know it may not feel that way right now, but I believe you can get through this.
    Thank you for updating us. Please write back if you need anything. We’re always here for you.

  21. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    I’m really glad you came back here with this update. I am so sorry that you’re reexperiencing all of these memories, that they’re so emotionally overwhelming right now, and you’re feeling helpless. I also want to remind you that the feelings are right now, and not forever. You have survived painful abuse from 2012-2017, which takes great strength. You made it through that, and you can make it though these feelings. You started off saying that March is the month… Thankfully, March won’t last forever (as you know). One of the things I find most comforting when I am feeling really bad is that the only real constant in life is that everything changes. These feelings won’t last forever, things will look up. Our Find Help area has a lot of great resources that might be helpful. And if you are ever feeling unsafe, you can always text the Crisis Text Line at any time by texting VOICE to 741-741. We are here for you. Keep your chin up and please let us know how we can support you.

    Sending you love and strength,
    Bre