I just need a little push please I thought I’d be better now

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I hope your all well I’m Not the best been using alot I have complex ptsd and dissoation disorder formerly known as multiple personality as I was taken from my adoptive family when I was 13 for sexual physical abuse and verbal when I turned 15 I was stupid and ran away from my group home and children’s aid left my ass homeless and I ended up being trafficked until I was 17 when he got arrested for shooting my girl but  they just sentenced him 5 years in jail that’s were he’s at my ex and I miss and hate him all the time now I have a daughter she just turned 2 I have a serious sex addiction is there any advice because it’s affecting my marriage to no end because I was sleeping around I’m tired of this but it feels like I’m not in control anymore….


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29 comments

  1. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    It sounds like you’re going through a difficult time right now. It’s terrible that you feel like you’re not in control anymore. We have some resources available on the website that has links to various things that you might find helpful (https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/). If you need immediate help, please don’t hesitate to text VOICE to 741-741 to be connected with a crisis counselor. Take care.

  2. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Maria,
    I’m so sorry that all of this happened. You are strong. You do not need to use. I know it might seem like an easy escape from how you are feeling, but it is not a good or healthy way. If you need resources you can go to our find help tab at the top of the page or text VOICE to 741-741 for immediate help. If there is anything you need help with please let us know. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  3. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thank you for coming back with an update. We are all here for you. I’m sorry to hear about all that you have been through. It’s probably good to get some space now that your ex is in jail, he sounds quite dangerous. Not feeling in control can be super scary. We have some really great resources on ways to get help here: https://www.avoicefortheinnocent.org/help/. If you can’t find something there is there may be a friend who you can talk to about struggling? Maybe a friend can help you look after your daughter while you work through things. Let us know how we can help.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  4. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Maria,

    Thanks for sharing with us again. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understand missing and hating him. Your feelings are completely valid. I’m sorry I can’t offer any more advice, but I want you to know that we’re here for you no matter what. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you. Stay strong! You can get through this.

    Marissa

  5. Stellablue Volunteer

    Maria,
    Thank you for sharing your story. This is a safe space so you can come back and post anytime! I’m sorry about what happened to you I think you are so brave to have made it to where you are now even if it’s not where you want to be. It can be hard when you feel like you have no control over your life. Please keep us updated we are here for you!

  6. Ashley Day Captain

    Welcome back, Maria.

    I’m sorry it feels difficult to control your life right now. It’s not abnormal that you simultaneously miss and hate your ex; I remember he has put you through so much. Please remember it’s possible to change and things can get better.

    Ashley

  7. myazojo Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thank you for posting. We are always here to listen and believe you. That is a lot to go through and I am so sorry you had to experience all of that. You have been through a lot. Have you visited our find help page? You might be able to find a resource in your area that could help you out, but that is completely up to you. Gaining control back is hard, but I know you are working towards it. You are incredibly brave and strong. Keep going.

    Come back and update us at any time.

  8. lizzi

    Hi Maria,
    Thank you for posting again. I was wondering how you were doing. I’m sorry to hear that things have been so hard through your life. You’ve been through so much, and none of it is your fault. You are so strong for surviving all of this. I know you say you don’t feel like you’re in control anymore, but you are. You can’t control what happened to you in the past, but you can control your future. Do you have a counselor you can talk to? So much of your story is so complex that it seems like working with a professional would be helpful to your healing. You can also post here anytime. We support you and believe you, and we’re here to help.

  9. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    Thanks for coming back to us. I know what it’s like to not feel in control. Maybe try making a list of the things in your life that you can control and making decisions about those aspects of your life to help you regain a sense of control. I see others have recommended it as well, but I also recommend seeing a therapist if you have access to one and think it would help to work through the trauma you’ve experienced. We are also always here for you as well. You’ve survived everything so far, you can do this too. Stay strong!

    KatherineL

  10. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Maria,

    I’m so sorry to hear about all your struggles. We are here to support you any way we can! You’ve been through so much so if you made it through these events, then you can certainly make it through the memories! You sound like a very strong and brave person. You can do this! We won’t judge you here, our only goal is to support you.

    I know you may not feel like you’re in control and that’s a perfectly normal feeling. Especially if you’ve been through all the things you’ve been through, but you are strong and you ARE in control! We are here to support you any way we can. If you look through the website there are also great resources to help you further if you need it!

    You’ve been doing a good job writing and expressing your feelings in these posts, I hope you continue to do that as many find that helpful.

  11. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling again recently. Everything you’ve been through was horrible. Remember, what happened to you is not your fault. Were you able to find a counselor? I remember you looking a while back. I think they can help you find the answers you’re looking for. My advice would be to find a therapist. We’re always here to listen and help whenever we can. Please continue to share your story with us whenever you feel you need to. Stay strong.

    All the best,
    Becca

  12. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am sorry you had to go through this. You didn’t deserve any of what happened to you. You are strong and know their is help for your addiction. You will get through this and know we are here for you.

  13. mocha1821 Volunteer

    Hi Maria,

    I.m sorry you had to go through all that and are struggling. You didn’t deserve any of what happened to you. You’re really strong for reaching out for help. You will get through this. We’re all here for you!

  14. musicislove

    Hi Maria,

    I’m sorry for everything you’ve been through and how much you’re struggling with now, dealing with all of that can’t be easy. Everything you dealt with growing up was so unfair to you and you didn’t deserve any of the abuse you were put through. Have you ever considered therapy? It could be helpful to work through all of the trauma you’ve encountered. Writing, exercise, art, and meditation are all good ideas as well to help relieve stress while you’re struggling. We’re always here if you want to share again and thank you for trusting us with your story.

    Delaney

  15. tayestlack Volunteer

    Hello love, thank you for coming to us with your story. I’m sorry you’ve been through some tough things and I’m sorry you feel like you’re not in control anymore and it’s affecting your marriage. Have you tried some type of behavioral therapy or talking therapy to try to help understand why you’re feeling this way? I hope you find a way to help you. Keep your head up and stay strong

  16. alh27 Volunteer

    Hi Maria,
    First of all you are so incredibly brave for making it through all the things in your childhood. You did not deserve anything that happened to you. You are so strong reaching out for help, you will get though this. Have you thought of attending a group therapy meeting? When I attended group therapy it really helped me to find coping methods that others used with similar past experiences. We are always here as a support as well. We are all in your corner to listen anytime you need help.
    Sending lots of love and positive thoughts.
    Alexis

  17. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there, Maria,

    You are not to blame for the things you’ve experienced. The fact that you are reaching out is huge and shows how powerful you are. It sounds like you not only want to heal for yourself, but for your family, too. There’s a lot of different forms of therapy out there, and I think that finding something that works for you would help to get you on the path to healing, if that’s a feasible option for you right now. If you can’t work out in-person sessions, a lot of places now do online therapy sessions! You also know we’re here any time you need to get something off your chest.

    I’m sending lots of positive thoughts your way. Let us know if you need some kind words to lean on.

  18. Jess Volunteer

    You absolutely did not deserve anything you have experienced. I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult time right now. I think you’re incredibly strong and resilient for making it through what you experienced as a child. Use that strength to keep moving forward the best that you can now. The path to healing is more like a rollercoaster – there will be times like now, but there will also be times where you feel like you’re in control and you’re moving forward. Keep doing your best until you get there. Have you tried therapy or support groups? Those can be incredibly helpful during your path to healing. In the meantime, if you need anything at all, we are always here for you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  19. colton95 Volunteer

    I am really sorry for all that you’ve went through. You did not deserve that at all. You are an incredibly strong person and I hope that things will get better for you. Maybe try going to therapy or finding other resources that can help you. Stay strong!

  20. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, Maria. I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with all of this. I think you’re incredibly strong for surviving what you went through as a kid, and I know you can get through this today. Therapy and 12-step meetings have helped me a lot. Even if you’re not into the 12-step philosophy, meetings can be a great place to find support and it’s free. Therapy has helped me work through a lot of my trauma and helped me develop better coping skills. There’s a lot of resources under our “Find Help” tab, or you can ask any one of us for help too. We’re here for you. I know you can get through this.

  21. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey Maria,

    I’m glad you checked in. I’m sorry that you’re going through such a tough time right now. We are here for you. It takes a lot of bravery to discuss all of these painful experiences and seek help. Sometimes, doing little self-care things (taking a shower, eating a nice meal, taking a walk) can help you feel like you have more control. Some of the most inspirational recovery stories, in my opinion, start with very small steps. You can do this. You are not alone. You can always text our crisis text line, VOICE to 741 741 whenever you’re struggling. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to support you.

    Sending you love and strength,
    Bre

  22. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Maria,
    You didn’t deserve to experience any of the abuse and pain you’ve been through, and you’re not at fault for any of it. I hear that you feel you’re not in control, and that can be so overwhelming. I agree with the suggestions below – it may help to go to a women’s shelter to receive help and resources, and finding a therapist in your area could help you work through the trauma. Self care is also important, and it can help to do an activity you enjoy whenever you feel overwhelmed.
    Thank you for the update. I’m proud of you for reaching out for help – that takes so much strength. I know you can get through this, and you are strong. We’re always here for you.

  23. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Hi there Maria,
    I commend you on your strength. What happened to you was not your fault and i am sorry that you had to experience all of that especially at such a young age. I do not have much advice one sex addiction. I do want to know how you are doing now? Is there anything we can help with. I know CPSTD is hard to live with and on top of dissociation disorder. Have you talked about this with anyone? Bluebell down below has some great information and the crisis line that was posted is great too, know for a fact because I have used it a few times. Also we are always here as well. I am sending you positive vibes. Keep being strong and keep being a great mom to you daughter, she needs a strong role model.

    Kristin

  24. meg Volunteer

    Hi Maria!

    Thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I think it’s a major step that you should be proud of that you are asking for help. Are there any local women’s shelters that you would feel comfortable going to? They often have a lot of free resources to help survivors with their living situations and mental health. In moments that you feel overwhelmed, try to do some deep breathing. I often use the 4-7-8 when I feel really upset and anxious. Maybe it’ll help! I think you should be so proud of how far you’ve come. You are a warrior. Please keep us updated and know that we love and support you every step of the way. Your journey is still moving forward, you are still healing. Be gentle with yourself!
    —Meg

  25. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Maria,
    Thank you for coming back and writing to us. Your story stays with me and I often wonder how you are doing. You have been through unspeakable things that no person should have to endure and here you are, still fighting! It is difficult for us to help with resource recommendations for you since you are in Canada, but I did come across this website: https://survivorsofabuserecovering.ca/ I am not sure if it is helpful or even in your area, but it may be a place to start. You have been very honest with us and that complete honesty will be required for your recovery and healing. Our AVFTI community is behind you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  26. dzreid Volunteer

    Maria,
    I am so glad you shared! It’s good to hear how you are reaching out for help. You have survived something horrible, for that, be proud! You certainly didn’t deserve any of that, however, you deserve to be set free of the wounds from your abuse. I know there are places that are available to further help you. One place that might beable to assist you (or direct you in where to go) could be a local women’s shelter. By reaching out & asking for help takes so much courage. You are braver than you believe, & stronger than you seem. The first step in healing is being able to ask for help. It’s also discovering that you aren’t alone. Keep reaching & asking. Don’t allow any thing or any one to stop you! You can get through this! I believe you can!
    Dawn

  27. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this-have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist? You can also text our crisis text line, VOICE to 741 741. You are not alone.

    Erin

  28. Solongago Volunteer

    Hi Maria,
    There is help for the stuff you are talking about. You don’t have to do it on your own. It takes a lot of courage to admit that things are out of control and you need help. But what is it that you want? Do you want to stop using? Do you want to work on the abuse you have endured? Do you want to work on the stuff threatening your marriage? Do you want to work on you to give your daughter the best chance she can have? There are a lot of reasons to get some help, to work with someone, maybe develop a program that can help you long-term with not using, and taking care of yourself, and building a support network, and connecting with folks struggling with relationships and parenting. It sounds daunting, but you have already survived a bad childhood. You have in you what it takes to build a good life. And you are worth it.

  29. SydSquid Volunteer

    Hey Maria,
    It’s terrible to hear that you had all this happen to you even before the age of 20. My only advice to you is remember what’s most important to you like your daughter and husband. I’ve found that you can’t be there for other people if you aren’t doing what’s best for yourself. Once you are in the right mental and physical state then you can start mending any bridges. Have you ever thought of seeing a therapist? They can help you work though so much and can even do couples counseling if you feel like you need a safe space to talk to your husband about the problems you are having. I know you can find that control again, working towards a healthy goal can really help start you on the right path. Stay strong Maria.