I just made a huge mistake

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I have often wanted to reach out to the girl who had abused me. I mentioned it to my counselor and she asked what the worst that could happen was if I did. My biggest concern was that she didn’t remember it at all and that I would be putting this on her.

Well, against my better judgement, I reached out and that is exactly what happened. And now I’ve put a traumatic experience on her that she didn’t deserve. I hate that I am causing so much pain in this world! I just want it to be all over with!

Join the Conversation


  1. Ashley Day Captain

    Welcome back, shelemyahu.

    Since this person had an impact on your life, it’s not abnormal that you have had the urge to get into contact with her. It was courageous of you to connect with her. After starting a conversation with her, I apologize that the concern you had about her not remembering is the response you received from her and I wish things would have gone differently. I can tell that you didn’t intend to cause her to feel pain.

    I hope you’re doing okay.


  2. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi shelemyahu,
    You’re not in the wrong for confronting your abuser, and you’re not causing pain in this world. Confronting an abuser can be a step towards closure. It’s incredibly courageous to take such a big step, and you did it!
    It can hurt when people don’t respond how we want them to. Unfortunately, we can’t control how others respond to us. However, we can choose how to move forward and what steps we can take to heal. You have the power to choose what to do from here.
    Thank you for updating us. We’re here to help you in any way we can, and I know you can get through this.

  3. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi shelemyahu,
    I’m so sorry that you feel like this. I don’t think that you should blame yourself for this. You have a right to reach out to her. If she wanted to act like she didn’t hurt you up until you reached out, that is okay. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you. If you felt like messaging her would make you feel better, then that is all that matters. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.

  4. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi there!
    Thanks for trusting us enough to share. You chose to share with your abuser, that’s such a brave big step. I’m sorry that you feel responsible for how she responded, don’t allow that to hinder your healing.. Sadly, you can’t control how she chooses to respond, however, you can choose what you will do from this moment. Be proud that you took this step! To me, that shows so much strength & growth! Continue taking care of you! Celebrate you but also remember to celebrate the small accomplishments!

  5. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi shelemyahu,

    Thank you for coming here with your story. This is a safe space and we are all here to help you in any way that we can. I’m sorry to hear that the girl said that she doesn’t remember what happened. I believe you. I wouldn’t say that she didn’t deserve you reminding her of what happened. You’ve had to deal with the memory this whole time and if it helped you to tell her about it that is a good thing. You aren’t causing the pain. What she did to you was her fault and she has to live with those repercussions.

    Stay strong,


  6. meg Day Captain


    I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. It is an incredibly difficult situation to navigate. You should be proud that you did take a step towards healing. I am sorry that she didn’t understand what you were experiencing. You are incredibly compassionate for worrying about her feelings as well. You are not at fault for her feelings! You are brave for confronting your abuser. You did what you felt was right, and I think it still was. You are strong and will get through this!

  7. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Don’t beat yourself up about reaching out. I am sorry you are going through with this. We all sometimes do things we wish we didnt. I respect that you are taking her feelings into consideration as well. That is very admerable of you. Your feeliings also matter. You may have given her something now she can think about a reflect on from her past maybe something she blocked out of her mind. You are not causing pain in this world. You were doing what you thought would help. Thanks for reaching out. Please write back anytime. Much love


  8. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry that you are struggling with this. I know it must be very difficult. It is definitely a valid feeling to want to reach out to someone who has hurt you and share your side of the story. That can be a good way to relief some of the weight on your shoulders. I am sorry that it did not go the way you hoped it would. Please do not feel that you are causing pain!! What happened to you was not your fault! You deserve to be able to heal from what happened and it sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Please be kind to yourself and know you deserve to heal and peace. Stay strong! Let us know if there is anyway we can help support you through this time.

    Sending lots of support your way,

  9. Lizzi

    Hi shelemyahu,
    I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. It’s understandable to want to reach out to the person that abused you. After something traumatic, we often want closure and sometimes that may look like talking to the person that caused the pain and suffering. Like others said, you can’t control how she reacted or that it caused her pain. You didn’t reach out to her to intentionally cause her pain. You wanted to work towards healing and she didn’t react well to it. It’s not your fault at all. I hope that you’ll talk to your counselor about this, and realize that you aren’t causing pain in this world. Please know that we’re here for you, we care about you, and we want to help you through this. You can post any time you need to. If you need more support, you can always text VOICE to 741741 and talk to a counselor. You’re going to get through this.

  10. sam Volunteer

    I am so sorry that you are going through this. Sometimes it’s really important to voice what we are feeling and seek that closure, but that leaves us vulnerable to a response or reaction that actually makes things worse. We can’t control how people react in that moment, only our ability to say what we need to say. I’m sorry that interaction didn’t go how you had hoped, but it is an important step towards closure and recovery. You haven’t done any harm. You have simply spoken your truth. We are always here for you, but if you need more immediate assistance, please reach out to our Crisis Text Line, available 24/7, by texting VOICE to 741-741. Take it one day at a time and stay strong!

  11. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry that this happened to you. Unfortunately, we cannot control or predict how others will react to the information we bring to the table. I think you doing such speaks a lot on how serious you are taking your recovery from the experience. It’s unfortunate that this person told you that they don’t recall the situation; however, I didn’t interpret that you are causing pain in the world. This is something you went through and are trying to explore more to receive closure for the sake of your recovery. Your intentions were not to cause harm on anything but for closure. Perhaps simply keeping journal entries for yourself that would be for this person, so that you can clear your thoughts by putting it on paper.
    Feel free to keep us updated on how you are doing!
    Stay strong <3

  12. Stellablue Volunteer

    You did such a brave thing reaching out to your abuser. Looking for healing does not make you a bad person by any means. You already have the weight of your trauma on your shoulders, you do not need to carry hers too. You did the right thing looking for closure, and you seem like a very kind person worrying about her feelings even though she hurt you. It’s ok to be selfish sometimes and recognize that you are making steps to heal yourself, and that’s good! Don’t think of it as putting pain on someone else, think of it as liberating yourself of some pain. You’re not transferring pain, you are taking the necessary steps to letting go of your own. Most people would not even have to courage to confront their abuser. I am proud of you for putting yourself first! Continue to heal and please continue to share your story. Sending positive vibes your way!

  13. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi shelemyahu,

    How the person who abused you feels isn’t your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You had every right to reach out to who did this to you. Our memories are weird and how certain events can be blocked out often makes things even more difficult. With that said, what is important is that you focus on doing what you need to do to feel better. It’s not your responsibility to also heal her. In time, knowing what she did may allow her to grow as a person. It is certainly a tough thing to learn, but you should remember to prioritize your own healing. It’s okay to feel the way you do about this and remember you are not alone. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. Stay strong.


  14. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there shelemyahu,

    It can be hard to carry the burden of remembering all alone. I’ve said this many times, but our brains are weird places. Her brain could’ve blocked out the experience to protect her. That doesn’t mean you did any harm though. You deserve the right to confront the person who harmed you. You are not causing pain in this world. You deserve answers and understanding just like everyone else does. I know sometimes we want the pain to end and to be at happier times. I can tell you’re working towards that. Please remember our friends at Crisis Text Line are there for you 24/7 if you need more immediate assistance. You can reach them by texting VOICE to 741-741. We are here for you.

    Sending you light,

  15. Solongago Volunteer

    I hear you that you do not want to hurt the person that abused you because she was a troubled young girl when she hurt you. So now you feel badly because you brought something up that she did not remember, added to the load she carries. Sometimes I think of life as a thousand million piece puzzle, the whole picture would be a beautiful tapestry of all of history. But as we are in the middle of it, we can’t see the whole of it. We can only see the pieces nearest too us, and maybe a few nearby or in our line of sight. We can’t see the part of the puzzle that hasn’t been put together yet at all. How the colors on our piece of the puzzle effects the whole or effects other pieces, we can’t always tell. It is possible that by talking to her about it, you have helped her to remember more about her own history and maybe it can make her work through what happened. Maybe she needed that piece of her individual puzzle to understand how things are put together.

    Maybe you will never know if the confrontation was actually a good thing for her. But there was nothing wrong with you bringing it up to her. I am sorry that it did not go the way you would have liked it to.

  16. tbird830 Volunteer


    Just like the abuse you experienced was not your fault, the way your abuser is feeling is also not your fault. You deserve closure and if you felt like reaching out to your abuser may have provided you with that, you did what was best for you at the time. It can be a really scary and difficult thing to reach out to your abuser. I want you to know that YOU are not causing her pain, what she did to you is causing her pain. Eventually these feelings will pass. Reach out to anyone that you feel may support you, do something that you have found calms you. We are always here if you need support. You are stronger than you know!


  17. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi shelemyahu,

    It can definitely be hard reaching out to someone who’s abused you. It’s okay to feel upset about what reaching out to her led to, but you decided to do what you thought was best for you at the moment, and no one can fault you for that. Take care.

  18. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello shelemyahu,

    I’m sorry to hear about the way you’re currently feeling. Reaching out to an abuser is a big step and it’s something that you’ve wanted to do for a while. It’s okay that you did this, you made the right choice for you at the time. I understand your reasoning behind this decision, you had no way of knowing what would have happened afterward. You did what was best for you. You did nothing wrong here. You did not cause this pain. Trauma is a tricky emotion and you are very strong for making it through what you’ve been through and I’m sorry about the way you are feeling right now. Please know that we are always here to support you! Thank you for trusting us with your story and you are always welcome to post more. We will do what we can to help you through this 🙂

  19. musicislove

    Hi shelemyahu,

    Reaching out to the person that abused you had to be so hard and I’m sorry the result is causing you so much pain. You did nothing wrong for wanting to get closure, I hope you know that what you did was so brave and will help you in the long run. Please don’t blame yourself for any pain caused when you were only trying to aide in your healing. Thank you for sharing an update and please come back to share anytime you want.


  20. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    it is not your fault that pain it caused. What she did was not right and it was brave for you to reach out. I hope both of you are able to find peace in this tough situation and i hope you stay strong and continue to love yourself and others.

  21. colton95 Volunteer

    It is not your fault at all the pain that you caused. Even if she doesn’t remember, what she did to you is NOT right and it was brave of you to reach out and try to make things right for yourself. I hope that both of you will be able to find peace in this tough situation and I hope that you will stay strong and continue to love yourself and others.

  22. rkr18 Volunteer


    Thanks for sharing you thoughts and story. You were not at fault for what happened to you. What you did took courage and I am proud of you. That was not easy but you did it. You do not cause so much pain, you are wanting to have peace and are working in healing yourself and sometimes that can mean making uncomfortable steps. Please p know that we are here for you if you need anything.

  23. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi again shelemyahu,

    I’m glad you trusted us with this update. I think that it’s fair of you to have wanted to confront your abuser, and I think that, in time, this will help you find closure. It’s very brave of you to have confronted the person who hurt you! We’re here for you any time you need to talk. Healing is messy, and we’re here to be a supportive community for you.

  24. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    You don’t have to apologize for wanting to confront the person who harmed you. You had every right to do that. Your job is to heal, and if confronting was a part of that, then that is okay. The person who abused you probably needs to heal, too. Just because they didn’t remember, or admit to remembering, does not mean that they do not have to atone. Maybe talking through this experience with your counselor would be helpful? Thank you for coming to share with us.


  25. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, shelemyahu. Thanks for coming back. I’m sorry that reaching out to her didn’t go the way you had hoped. Confronting an abuser is a big step, even if you were both children at the time. Were you able to get any kind of benefit from confronting her? I think it’s great you had the courage to speak your truth and I don’t think you should feel bad about that, though I can understand why you didn’t want to hurt her. Just remember the abuse is not your fault. You didn’t ask her to abuse you and you have the right to seek closure. It’s a painful thing that happened, but I don’t think it’s you that’s responsible for all this pain. Have you thought about talking to another counselor? I think someone who understands childhood trauma better would be helpful. Let us know if there’s anything we can do. We’re here for you.

    1. shelemyahu

      @kelly I am seeing an expert in childhood trauma. She’s been very helpful and encouraging. This girl had her own trauma to deal with and I feel I’ve just added to it. She didn’t deserve that any more than I deserved what happened between us. I’m just feeling like healing is hopeless.

      1. kelly Day Captain

        Ok great, I’m glad to hear you are benefiting from her. Healing from this kind of stuff is really difficult and painful, but it is possible. It sounds like you’re working really hard on it and I know you can get through it. Stay strong. You have support here.