I just had to say something

I just had to say something

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It was summer in 2008 when me and my mother went on a weekend trip, we caught a good deal where a charted bus would take us to the many places. It was about 3pm the first day and the bus was full except for one person, so it waited. About 15 minutes later this girl boarded the bus smiling and just seemed to be positive, when she got on the bus she was instantly verbally attacked by the bus captain, the one in charge.

As she slowly walked down the aisle she was stopped at my seat by my mother who was livid she told her sit your ass down, the girl shocked said, that’s not my seat to only hear my mother say it is now.

I saw the girl slowly sit next to me and keep her head low, or look into her phone. She looked sad, disrespected, and so alone. As I stared out the window, then back to her, then out the window. I began thinking on how I felt in similar times and I just had to say something. We talked through the whole trip.

We didn’t see each other until December of 2009, she heard I had a kidney stone and sent me a card, it had been at least 10 or more years since I ever got a card, how she even knew where I lived is beyond me.

Couple days after that my mother was having carpel tunnel surgery and couldn’t find anyone to take her, when this same girl said I’ll take you even though she had to be picked up by 4 that morning, this woman stayed with her until 1 or 2 that afternoon, remember this is the same woman that my mother yelled at in the beginning. Whatever friendship could have been was halted, the girl began talking about me to her as they were driving home. And my mother, I guess trying to protect her from me told her everything from me being raped, having been bullied, my seizures, to where I am nothing without my mother, I would lose everything if it wasn’t for my mother.

A couple weeks later I had my first, possible second brain bleed and that’s when the young woman started coming over more often, calling me knowing my mother wasn’t home sometimes, we went on a small trip and talked about everything. What amazed me the most is I told her I walk to work at night, and she almost all control cause my mother wouldn’t drive me, I couldn’t understand why she was so upset. She told me that the way I’ve been treated in no way shows love, and just because she had you, has clothed you, fed you and sheltered you doesn’t mean she showing that she loves you. She was so upset.

We didn’t see each other for some time until I heard she was having a hard time finding work and was getting depressed, I sent her a card to encourage her. I’ll never forget this I mailed the card on a Friday she got the card on Saturday and knowing I worked midnights didn’t call until she knew in was awake on Sunday about 6pm hearing her voice was just so beautiful, the best was yet to come though

The next time I saw her it was December 24, 2010 and I didn’t know someone was standing behind me, but when I turned around I saw her standing in front of me, her eyes and smile were so beautiful, I never saw her in this light before when I stepped in we hugged and for the first time all of my senses came alive. It was the most beautiful feeling I had in some 10 years or more.

Somewhere in March of the following year my life fell apart a couple of my mother’s friends got together and just went and told her everything they could about me telling her I’m not worthy of her love, I’ll only bring her down, she can do so much better, and if she’s with me she’ll be nothing, she caved in so from April to November I heard or saw nothing from her.

And then she called me in January I could tell in her voice she regretted what happened but she told me she was getting married, my heart broke, I did nothing but cry.

The worst part was in February of 2012, I went to her wedding, that turned out to be a big mistake, somehow it bothered me so much that two days later I found myself in the hospital because in less than 12 hours or so I had gotten sick up to 10 times, and I was dehydrated.

I’m really not mad at the young lady cause I would tell myself if she could find herself someone better than me I’d let her go, I loved her so much in was and sacrificed my happiness for her happiness or well being. I’m upset at the ones who came between us and not sure if I can ever forget let alone forgive, I can only hope to.

Please those of you who find themselves love don’t take it for granted, I had two chances and lost them both so if you are ever given a chance just remember sometimes all it takes is just to say something


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7 comments

  1. CarmenR Volunteer

    I’m so sorry your mother came into between you and someone you really seemed to care about. It wasn’t fair of her, and I’m sorry that things didn’t work out with this girl. Remember though that you found someone who loved you and cared about you, and even though it didn’t work out, you gained all the memories you had with this girl. Keep holding your head high, and don’t give up on love because you deserve it. Thanks for sharing again!

    Carmen

  2. Erin Day Captain

    I am so sorry that your mom caused you to lose someone you cared so much about. Heartbreak is never easy, and losing someone you cared about so much that also cared about you must have really hurt. How are you feeling, now that you are getting all of this out there in the open? I hope blogging about your experience is making you feel better-you deserve it. Thank you for being here with us.

    Erin

    1. Helpme1968

      Something happened over the weekend which caused me to want to put all these feelings out, something so horrible that I had to build up to accepting it myself and it affected me in a physical way, and yes it helps me a lot

  3. Kristen Eby

    Hi there. I know you feel you lost your chances here, but I think it’s important to focus on what you did get – the knowledge that you are lovable, and deserving of it. These people saw you for who you are and accepted you. I promise there’s others who can do the same.

    1. Helpme1968

      You are so right, I knew that I was loved by both these women in different ways. They taught me how it feels to be love and how to love. More important they didn’t judge me and showed me that everyone deserves to be loved

  4. Bethany Volunteer

    Welcome back. Thanks for sharing your story.

    Even though you’ve lost love, this doesn’t mean you are incapable of it or don’t deserve it. You are a good person who deserves happiness and love. I’m sorry that life’s roadblocks make it so difficult for you. These are circumstances that are beyond your control. Please don’t blame yourself.

    You are loved by us. You matter to us. No matter what the state of your health is, no matter what has happened to you, and no matter who you love, you will always be welcome here.

    1. Helpme1968

      So many times I just wanted to be loved, I never really knew what love felt like until I was 27. It felt so wonderful to have someone care about what happened to me. And the I missed out for 10 years only to have even a maybe deeper feeling of being loved. I am so grateful to both of these women because they accepted me, believed in me, loved me as I loved them. I only hope that I have another chance, I believe I can be loved. Thank you so much for your encouragement