I just don’t know…..

I just don’t know…..

219 24

 I don’t know what happened. I have no memories of growing up. I don’t know who touched me. And I’m not sure I want to know. I know I was  inappropriate with one kid. I know I tried to have sex with my brother. ??I know that I knew things that I shouldn’t known as a kid. I just don’t know what happened. I’m not sure I want to know. I know I am a good person. I have never touched anyone inappropriately since I was about 11 and even that makes me sick to think about. I know I was at a friends house and we were undressed and pretending to have sex. I have a huge wall that blocks all my memories. Deep down I think it might have been my dad because as an adult we went to visit. My husband at the time and I were asleep but I heard a noise do I opened my eyes. My dad walked by totally naked and the look he gave me….. he was an alcoholic. My mom beat the shit out of us all the time. It was tough but I made it. And I’m good 


Join the Conversation

24 comments

  1. mkyuellig Volunteer

    Hello,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I believe you and am here to offer you support. I am so sorry that you went through the experience you went through. Struggling to recall memories and issues with repression are very common among survivors of childhood sexual assault, it is oftentimes a kind of defense mechanism to protect you from harmful memories. I completely understand not being sure if you actually do want to recall the events of your childhood. I also want you to know that there are several therapeutic methods that can help you to recover these memories, should you decide you want to delve further, and also therapeutic methods to help process trauma. If you are comfortable I do strongly encourage you to see if there are therapists in your area taking new clients. Please feel free to come back and update us with how you are feeling. We are here to support you.

    Stay strong, and be gentle with yourself
    Keight

  2. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Me-Oh-mai,

    Thank you so much for coming here and sharing your story with us. We are here for you and we believe you. You are right, you are a good person, and you are so strong. What your parents did to you when you were younger was wrong. Not being able to remember things must be a bit scary, but we are all here for you. Your past doesn’t define you! You are reflecting on it and are a better person now because of it. Have you tried talking to your husband? It might help to just get some of this off your chest. Please come back and post again if you want, this is a safe space.

    Tyler

  3. daisychains8891 Volunteer

    Hey!
    I wanna start by saying I’m so proud of you for staying strong. What you went through is horrible and you never deserved that. This is a place completely free from judgement and we all want nothing more than to offer our support. Please continue reaching out to us!
    All my love and support,
    Leah

  4. Ashley Day Captain

    Me-0h- mai,

    I’m thinking that not being able to recall memories from your childhood is frightening. This is a safe space and I want you to know that none of us are judging you. Your actions from the past don’t define you. When you say that you’re a good person, I believe you.

    Continue to hang in there.

  5. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you and coming here to share with us what you are going through. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It must be incredibly difficult. You are a good person! You were a child when all of this happened, it was not your fault! we are here for you. We believe you. Your feelings are valid! STay strong! please come back if there is anything we can do to help you.

    -Natalie

  6. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you went through, have you ever thought about speaking to someone. Talking to a therapist maybe would help you but that is totally up to you. Thank you for sharing with us please come back we will always be here for you if you need us.

    -Brianna

  7. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi Me-0h- mai,
    I’m so sorry about your childhood and all the abuse you suffered. It must be hard not knowing who touched you and to look back on the things you might have done with other people. Remember that you were a child and none of this was your fault. Nobody should have touched you, and at that age you may not have even known it was wrong what they were doing. I also think its fairly normal to be curious about sex when we’re younger, so you did nothing wrong. I’m sure it’s hard to have a wall up that blocks those memories, but maybe that’s your brains way of protecting you. You deserved better from your parents and I’m proud of you for making it through.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  8. candyappleb Volunteer

    Me0hmai,

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced this trauma. It’s completely normal to block out traumatic memories, and often times only have small fragments like you have described. No matter what happened in your past please know that none of it was your fault. It took a lot of courage to share your story here. You are an incredibly strong individual. Please feel free to post anytime you need. We’re here for you.

    Becca

  9. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry for what you have been through, and that you are dealing with the emergence of these memories. Perhaps talking through them with a therapist could help you work throughth the mental wall you have up and help you in the healing process. I know how difficult it can be to have these memories come back up, but please know that we are here for you and we support you. Stay strong

    Carmen

  10. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Me-Oh- mai,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this hardship. Don’t be so hard on yourself, you were just a child. Seeing a therapist could be a helpful route to take, if you are comfortable with it. They could help work through some of these emerging and repressed memories. I think it is great they you know what was wrong and are doing your best to live a good life now. Keep it up! Please let us know how else we can help. Stay strong!

    Thomas

  11. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Me-0h- mai,
    Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were a kid. You didn’t know any better. You cannot blame yourself for what you did as a kid. Yes, it is painful for you to remember, that is completely, understandable, but you cannot let it define you. You are an amazing person for realizing that what happened was wrong and you stopped. If you didn’t that would be a problem. You aren’t the bad guy in this story. Don’t put yourself in that position. Continue tasty strong. If you need anything, you can always write back. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI.
    -Alyssa

  12. colton95 Volunteer

    I think that it is amazing not just that you are able to share your story here but also that you recognize that you are good. I hope that you will continue to remember that and to stay strong!

  13. rkr18 Volunteer

    Me-0h- mai,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. You are brave for sharing and what happened to you was not your fault. I am sorry that you had to go through what you went through. Have you talked to anyone about what happened, possibly a counselor or therapist? If not that could be helpful so you can heal from your pain and your past trauma. Please keep us updated and we are here for you if you need us.
    -Marie

  14. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that you’re going through this. Sometimes our brains protect us by blocking out our memories – and that’s completely normal. Have you tried speaking with a therapist? A therapist is incredibly helpful to talk to and work through these memories and feelings. Dealing with these sorts of traumas is not easy, and therapy can really assist in that healing process. There are also a lot of other types of resources you can use under our “Find Help” tab. I hope you find something that helps you heal.

    If there is anything else we can do for you, please let us know. We are always here and we believe you. Stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  15. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, Me-0h- mai. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can relate so much as I also don’t remember what exactly happened to me, I just remember talking about it when I was 5. My body remembers it. The brain has a way of protecting us by blocking out these memories, but they can still be stored in our bodies. It’s very common for kids to act out the abuse they endure. It’s not your fault, you were reacting to what was done to you. Kids don’t understand or rationalize, they just act out. The adults are the ones who know better. You’re definitely not alone and we’re here for you. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do to help.

  16. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Me-0h- mai,
    I’m so sorry that these memories are coming back. I can’t imagine how terrifying and stressful it is to remember these experiences. I think therapy could help you process how you feel about what you do remember. Yet you can take this at your own pace and share what you feel ready to share. There’s no pressure, and this is your story. You can decide who knows about it.
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. Putting the words to these experiences is not easy, and you’re strong and brave for telling us. We’re here for you if you need anything, so please feel free to reach out to us. You can get through this.

  17. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Me-0h- mai,

    Thanks for sharing with us and trusting us. I’m really sorry for everything you’re going through. It’s really hard trying to sift through memories – especially ones that you don’t want to remember. Have you tried speaking with a therapist? Maybe they could help you unpack everything. Please only do what you’re comfortable with, though. Trying to talk to someone before you’re ready can be really detrimental to your mental health, so make sure to take things at your own pace. Please don’t hesitate to check out the “Find Help” tab at the top of this site. Our resources are there to help you!

    We’re here for you, no matter what. Stay strong.
    Marissa

  18. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Me-0h- mai,
    It is normal to not be able to remember events that cause trauma. There is a lot of research that shows trauma in childhood is not often remembered, especially it was long term abuse and there coercion to keep it a secret. Also, when the body is in danger, it will often stop storing memories because it isn’t sure it is going to survive so it doesn’t bother with that function. Those events are actually stored in our body by the way it responds to something that causes it to recall that event (sending us into fight/flight mode when we smell a certain smell, hear a certain sound, or see something). Our memories can’t always be counted on for accuracy, but the body’s response never lies. You are very strong and resilient and we are here to support you. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to assist you.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  19. Juliana331 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. Unwanted memories can be tough. They show up randomly and they can take the wind out of you. It can be a hard step but talking to a therapist can help you sort through it all. Also, starting a journal to write down what you’re thinking and feeling can be helpful. I know for me it helped me start connecting the dots that were fuzzy. Let us know if we can help with any resources in your area.

  20. Jay Volunteer

    Hi there! Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us. I will have to agree with the comments below. Therapy is highly beneficial. A therapist can help you learn many coping skills in order to try and talk about your memories in a safe environment. We can help you find resources in your area. We are here for you. And, if you are ever in crisis and need to speak to someone don’t be afraid to text out crisis line. Send “Voice’ to 741741 and you will be connected with a trained crisis counselor. Hope you have a good day.
    -Jay

  21. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us. Have you thought of going to a therapist to try and work these things out and break down that wall a bit? Maybe talking out your feelings and working through them will help you cope better. Please let us know if we can do anything to support you further. Stay strong <3

  22. Nikkiledgerwood Volunteer

    Hey,

    I’m so sorry you’ve gone through these things. I know coming out and talking about this is the toughest part, but I’m proud of you and we’re here for you! If you need to talk we’re here for you. Don’t be afraid to reach out to us we are here!

    -Nicole

  23. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m so sorry this happening and having all these memories come back. Maybe seeing someone could help you, but it is your personal choice. Please come back if you need anything else we will be here to help you. Stay strong

    -Brianna

  24. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m so sorry that these memories are coming back up and that you are going through this. Have you thought about going to a therapist? They might be able to help you work through all this. I know therapy has been really helpful for me. Let us know what else we can do to support you.

    Erin