So it’s me, the forever volunteer. I joined AVFTI about a year after my first assault. It helped so much and I’ve loved being apart of this group. But, it made it confusing when I was assaulted again. Actually, it wasn’t just assault this time, it was rape. I feel like maybe I’ve told this here, but honestly, I cannot remember and I feel that I need to tell it and remember telling it this time. I’ve gone back and forth with whether I wanted to tell it, I thought I didn’t need to, but I also know how much it helped to tell my story before. I also didn’t want to take up volunteer’s time with responding to my story, which is so silly. Even though I know all these things, I still have to remind myself.
SO. It was a year ago in Julyish, my ex and I had broken up a few months before and I wasn’t ready for anything serious. I had been in contact with an ex “fling” and we started hanging out again. It started off as just friends ,but soon turned into a friends with benefits type of thing. He wanted to be more, but I didn’t want that. It was exactly what I needed…the intimacy without the full commitment.
One night I went to a fire at his family friends house (who also happen to be a biker gang community). He kept pressuring me to drink, but I do not drink more than a beer if I am going to drive. I was on my way out and he wanted to walk me to my car. And to be honest, I was talking to someone else and wanted to go hangout with him. That night was like the final straw, I made the decision I didn’t want to be anything with him. But as he walked me to my car, he pushed me against my car, stuck his tongue down my throat and his hands in my pants. I was shocked and scared. I froze. I didn’t want to make a scene, I was scared of the company he was with. I was scared that they would hurt me or hurt him. I knew he did it because he thought I was into it. But he was drunk and wasn’t paying attention to my body signals. I drove to the other guys house, watched a movie and I headed home. The entire time I was thinking “do I just not like it because I’m not interested in him anymore?” And then I realized, I didn’t give him permission. He took advantage of me. He did what he wanted with my body.
I didn’t text him back that night, or the morning. He texted me and said “hey did I do something?” and I answered something along the lines of ” i don’t want to talk but I didn’t say yes to what happened ” and he responded with “oh shit, i’m so sorry, I could get in a lot of trouble.”
So he KNEW. he KNEW what he did was wrong. In some ways, that made it seem a little better. But in some ways that made it worse. I never even thought about actually pressing charges. In a way, I didn’t want him to feel the effects of it. I knew he didn’t do it to be mean, i think he did it because he thought I was into it.
I struggled a lot with becoming a victim again. I was like “NO I DONT WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!” I still struggle if I am mad at him or not, As I write, I wonder if I was telling myself that he didn’t do it in a power hungry way…because truthfully I do not think he did, but I do not know what he was feeling at that moment.and as I write this I worry what people will think. I worry people will think “oh well she was hooking up” “oh she was seeing two guys.” It is silly because no matter what I know I didn’t deserve what happened. But I guess, I just want everyone to know that even after being a volunteer for so long, and working as a campus educator on sexual assault…these thoughts can still go through your mind. It is difficult. It is hard, but this community has helped. I met Kristen about a week after it happened. I brought it up awkwardly at dinner with her friends. I just needed to talk. And she didn’t give me a weird look. I’m so thankful for her reaction. i’m lucky to have the support system I have.
Thank you for giving me the place to tell my story. Because honestly, all you other story tellers, you are not alone.