I hate love

902 10

I’m not sure where to start so I’m gonna start from when we met. We met at band camp. I was a sophomore. He was friends with my friend who I’m not friends with anymore (I’ll explain later). After band camp was over he asked for my number. We would text everyday. Finally he decided to ask me out. It was over text. We were bored probably bc he texted me every second of the day until one of us fell asleep. He used to tell me how he hated his girlfriend and how she abused him. I felt sorry bc I thought abuse was the worst thing in the world. I didn’t know that that would actually happen to me or that he lied about his girlfriend (I’ll explain that later). The day he asked me out was the day he broke up with his girlfriend which I didn’t find out about until a month later. He lied to me and said she broke up with him a couple of days ago. Anyway he asked me if I wanted to play a game. I said sure and he picked truth or dare. I picked dare first bc he told me only pussys pick truth. He dared me to go out with him. I thought it was a joke and he would say I’m just messing with you but he didn’t. He was serious.

The next day we had marching band. When we were on break we walked in the hallway. He stopped me right outside the detention classroom and said “I really wanna kiss u right now.” He did but he missed my mouth, kissed my nose, then slide down to my mouth. At the end he told me “I love you.” I told him “that kiss could not make you think that you love me. It was so bad.” He tried to justify it by saying “once he kissed my mouth it was ‘really good'” but that was all a lie.

After that I knew this relationship wasn’t gonna last. I gave it a week and he was still saying “I love you.” He was very clingy too. He always wanted to hold my hand or put his arm around me or kiss me. I decided after about a week and a half I was gonna break up with him and I did but he said “no I couldn’t.” I had to wait for him to break up with me. I told him “that’s not how this works.” I started to walk away but he grabbed me by my arm and when I tried to get him off of me but he slapped me. After that I stayed with him.

Slowly the physical abuse got to be more and more. That turned into sexual abuse. If I was over his house and I took a nap while he was playing video games I would wake up to him touching me. It started off outside my clothes and turned into underneath but by then I learned not to fall asleep at his house (after the second time I stopped). He would always try to have a “make-out session” and I would just sit there like a wall waiting for him to stop.

Once that turned into an every weekend thing I started to cut myself. That was easy for me bc when I was in middle school I got bullied and I would burn myself. I stopped when I was a freshmen though. Anyway I started cutting only on the weekends when I saw him. Then it turned into an everyday thing. It was my addiction. I felt lost without it. I had to cut deeper and deeper every time or I didn’t feel like it was helping.

One day he saw my cuts. I was usually good at hiding them. When he saw them he got so mad that he scratched them. He went off on me telling me how I should never want to leave him bc no one else would want me, that I’m a horrible person for treating him like shit for not doing what he wanted, and how much I should love him for putting up with me and staying with me for this long. I yelled back saying I could never love a monster like you. He started to choke me and if I didn’t say “I loved him” he wouldn’t let go. So I did and he let go and he hit me. (He always told me that I loved him and I believed him). I had to wear makeup to cover my bruises from him.

A couple weeks later he left his phone unlocked and he got a message from this other girl on Kik while I was at his house. (He left the room which is how I was able to do this). I still don’t know where they met but she didn’t go to our school. I always had my suspicions that he flirted with other girls bc I felt like he would flirt with my friend (the one who I’m not friends with anymore). He would deny it and hurt me every time I said something so I stopped. Anyway when I saw the message from this random girl I quickly scrolled to the top and took pics on my phone of his messages. They exchanged private pics of themselves. They would talk about having sex, how she would b a better girlfriend than me, and how I was the one abusing him. That’s how I found out that he lied to me (this is later). Everything he said to me about his girlfriend before me is what he said about me to this other girl. I tried to talk to him about it and told him if he likes her so much he should break up with me bc he wouldn’t let me break up with him. All he could say was no and he hit me again. My mistake was confronting him the night of a band concert. From all the stress from him and me cutting myself I passed out/ fainted in the middle of the performance. I went to the hospital after that.

In April we went on our band trip. We were on the bus going to Hershey Park. I had a blanket for the bus ride bc I knew I wanted to sleep. I didn’t think anything would happen if I fell asleep. I woke up to him doing something that he never did under my clothes. I didn’t know what to do so I just sat there scared bc I didn’t want anyone to find out. I felt like I wasn’t even there. I was so unemotional. It was like I couldn’t even open my mouth to say stop bc I couldn’t program my brain to tell my voice to say stop. I thought that would be the worst.

About a month later it was like them first real spring day. I asked if he wanted to go outside and do something fun and he said “no.” I turned off his x-box while he was in the middle of his game. He got so mad at me. He wrested me to the floor and put me in a choke hold. I was crying and he told me to stop faking it. Then he got on top of me. He started to kiss me and touch me. I couldn’t do anything I was so scared. When he was done kissing me he put his hand over my mouth and his other hand was still touching me. I bit his hand and he put a sock in my mouth. That’s when I felt the feeling of nothing but it was so much more than nothing. It was every worst nightmare come true. I knew what was going to happen next. I couldn’t stop it. I just laid on the floor and let it happen. I couldn’t feel anything. I felt like I wasn’t even in my body. I knew I wasn’t dead bc even though I couldn’t feel anything I knew what was happening but I took it anyway.

He broke up with me over text a few days later after not talking to me since it happened. He later told a bunch of people that I was easy and I wanted to have sex. I would get notes in my locker saying I was a slut and guys knew if they wanted action to just come to me…or should I say cum to me. That happened at the end of the school year around the end of may so I really only dealt with that for about a month.

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  1. amitkhan2016


    I am so sorry this happened :(. Abusive relationships can be so, so awful. Someone I love very much was involved in an abusive relationship and I understand how mentally tolling it can become. Don’t blame yourself for whatever happened. No matter what someone may tell you, none of this was your fault. If you haven’t already, I would look into reading about “Stockholm Syndrome”. It may comfort you. Everything will get better, don’t let the past define you.

    Much love,


    1. caught_in_a_dream_1998 Day Captain

      Thank you so much. I’m sorry your friend had to deal with that. I will look into Stockholm syndrome.

  2. Jacqui

    Oh wow, I am so sorry that you went through this. He was so bad to you and manipulative and i am so sorry that you had to go through this. Reading this broke my heart. I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I went through something similar in high school, and I want you to know… it’ll get better. You are strong and you are wonderful. What happened to you was not okay and he is the one that is wrong. You did nothing wrong. I am sorry that this happened to you and the bullying that ensued. Have you told anyone at school? That may help stop the bullying. But whatever we can do to help, please let us know. There are many resources that can help you and such. Stay strong my dear.

    1. caught_in_a_dream_1998 Day Captain

      Thank u so much. I’m not at my high school anymore, but I told a few friends. They are helping me.

  3. Erin Day Captain

    I am so sorry for everything that you have been through. You didn’t deserve this, and none of this was your fault. Your boyfriend should have been loving and caring-instead he was abusive and horrible toward you. You deserve so much better. Have you told anyone else? Did this happen recently? I hate what you are going through/have gone through at school-people in high school can be so incredibly mean. Let us know how we can help you further-and know that you are not alone.


    1. caught_in_a_dream_1998 Day Captain

      It happened about 4 years ago but after it happened I acted as though I didn’t care and as if it didn’t happen. I moved on really fast and I just moved the memories of him out of my head. My friend recently brought up the memories bc of a class we r in together now and we were talking about why I get so tense. We realized that this was the reason.

  4. Kristen Eby

    Hey there. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. You’re not a slut. You didn’t deserve this. You didn’t do anything wrong. This guy manipulated you, abused you, and raped you. What he did was wrong and criminal. The fact that he spread rumors about you after the fact is even more disgusting, if possible. The blame for all of this lies squarely on his shoulders. He’s a messed up individual, and it breaks my heart that you were on the receiving end of it.

    Have you considered pressing charges? If you want, we can help connect you with legal resources in your area. If that’s not something you’re comfortable with, that’s okay too. We support you no matter how you choose to proceed. Are you interested in therapy at all? I know it isn’t for everyone, but I used to self-harm as well, and therapy made a huge difference for me. We can help you find counseling too, if you want.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You’re not alone, and you can always come back to talk or update us. We’re in your corner.

    1. caught_in_a_dream_1998 Day Captain

      Thank you. I haven’t thought of pressing charges because it happened years ago and I kinda at the time just made myself forget about it, but it came up with one of my friends recently (he told me to write my story here). I think because I pushed the memories away for so long that now that I’m talking about its bringing back the feelings I never had towards the situation.

      1. Kristen Eby

        I understand completely. I feel the same way about what happened to me. Do you think counseling could help? Dealing with emotions that have been dormant for so long can be really difficult. Either way, I’m glad you found us.

        1. caught_in_a_dream_1998 Day Captain

          I can try counseling. I went once when I was little but I stopped after the second or third visit. I think now that I’m older it might be easier for me to talk.