I feel so ashamed.

I feel so ashamed.

438 24

I know it’s been some time, too much time but in dealing with my mother’s cancer, and my own sicknesses I haven’t had much time for myself.

I find that I’m remembering things regarding my rape more and more.

Why after 37 years am I now remembering this?

Anyway the other night I remembered that when I was raped I had urinated a little on the floor, I felt so ashamed of myself.

Does anyone understand why my body did that, I feel  so disgusted and ashamed of myself.

Is this something that can happen durning such traumatic events, or should I be ashamed of myself as my mother, and her friends say I should be?

I know this may be a small thing, but it’s important to me so that I know, please can someone help me in this regard?


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24 comments

  1. Kevin Casey Volunteer

    Sorry that this happened to you it’s not your fault you’ll probably nervous and scared for that to happen you should not feel ashamed of yourself you have nothing to be ashamed of thank you for sharing your story if you need anything or have any questions you can always talk to us it is always there for you you can always reach out to us at

  2. brodie_james Volunteer

    Hello friend!

    I’m so sorry that this abuse happened to you, and you’re so brave for sharing your story with us!

    As far as your urination during your rape, I think it’s a perfectly valid and normal response for anyone who was in your situation. Oftentimes our bodies have reactions or responses when we’re scared or in pain or uncomfortable that aren’t intentional and that we can’t control. One common example is that we laugh when we get tickled; we are often uncomfortable when someone tickles us, but our body’s/brain’s response is to laugh. In a similar way, sometimes when we’re scared (in general situations, but even more so in your situation) we urinate because our body/brain doesn’t know how else to respond. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or something that makes you disgusting or “less than”. You are an incredibly resilient person who has been through a lot, no doubt, and I hope that if you continue to remember more and more about your abuse that you know that we are always here to help you through anything. We have plenty of resources to help you heal and find peace with yourself and your trauma.

    Cheers,
    Brodie

  3. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    I know it is a challenge, but please try not to feel ashamed. What that person did to you was so wrong and you are the strong one for telling us your story. If there is anything further we can do to help please let us know.

    Ryan

  4. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    Don’t feel ashamed of what happened. This could have happened because it was a traumatic event and your body was in shock. You have no reason to be ashamed of what happened. The guy who did this to you should feel ashamed for what he did to you. Also don’t forget to put time in your busy schedule to relax and do things that make you happy. You need time for yourself so you don’t get overworked. It was good to hear back from you. I’m sorry it wasn’t on better terms.
    -Alyssa

    1. focus.1968

      Thank you so much, sometimes I feel so alone, and it hurts, so any compassionate, beautiful remarks makes me feel good inside.

      I also like to help others by telling my story, so that others don’t feel so alone.

      Thanks again.

  5. alexcostello Volunteer

    Hi there,
    I’m so sorry to hear that these memories are coming to the forefront of your mind all of a sudden, it must be tough to deal with, especially when there is so much else going on in your life! I would like to kindly disagree with your mother and her friends and say that you should not feel ashamed of yourself! What you went through is incredibly difficult and is by no means your fault and I feel sad to think that you carry around feelings of shame when that is not the case! I think how our body reacts can often be a mystery to us because it is so complex and has so many intricate reactions and processes! I think it is entirely normal for your body to react in that way, especially during a traumatic event, so please don’t feel ashamed of that. Please keep writing in to us, we really do want to hear how you’re doing and how you’re feeling as you heal
    Sending love and light to you

  6. UsedCanvas

    Hi sweetie,
    Im very sorry to hear about yours and your mothers health. You should never feel shamed as to how your body reacts. we can all react in different ways. I have been through something similar. Also it is totally normal for memories to start flooding back. sometimes when people go through trauma their brain blocks it out and under certain amount of stress and things that can trigger the memories allows them to flow back as well. im sorry that you have to go through this but remember how strong you are and how far youve come.

  7. Gamato04

    I’m sorry to hear about your mother, I wish there was more I could do to help with that. Sometimes, even after long periods of time, we remember where we were and what happened. The most important thing to do is to keep fighting. Don’t feel ashamed, our bodies react in different ways of stress and trauma so it is normal for something like this to happen.

  8. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi focus1968,

    You have no reason to feel ashamed for what happened to you, or how your body reacted. The body can react in different ways when there is trauma, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. We are here for you. Stay strong.

    Carmen

  9. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi focus1968,

    I am sorry that this happened to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Under trauma, memories can be repressed and our bodies can react in various ways. This is normal. It was likely just your body’s natural response to trauma. It is nothing you should be ashamed of at all. None of this is your fault. We are here for you. Please let us know how else we can help you. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  10. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you and that the people around you have told you that you should be ashamed. If anyone should be ashamed, it is the perpetrator, not you.

    As other commenters have said, memory repression is completely normal. It’s one of the many ways that our bodies and minds respond to a traumatic event. What you’re experiencing is normal and valid. It’s incredibly frustrating when the memories finally come to the surface and it’s impossible to understand why. Do you have someone that you can talk to about these memories? It might be beneficial to simply talk to someone about it. If not, there are a lot of resources on our website under the “Find Help” tab that might assist you in the healing process.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. We are so glad you felt comfortable and safe enough to share here. If we can do anything else to help you, please let us know. Sending healing thoughts your way. <3
    -Jess

  11. JFeeney21 Volunteer

    Dear focus.1968,

    Repressed memories are very common when trauma is incurred especially at a young age. Also, my sister is an attorney who assists with sexual assault victims and multiple trauma doctors have confirmed with her that the body can manifest trauma in numerous ways. So do not be ashamed as it may have been your body’s natural response to trauma. Just remember that absolutly nothing that happened to you was your fault. Thank you for continuing to trust us. You are so strong and so loved by us.

  12. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi focus.1968,
    Thank you so much for updating us. The ways our bodies protect themselves vary from person to person, and this can happen during traumatic events. I’m so sorry that people are saying you should be ashamed – what they’re saying is so wrong. What happened was not your fault at all, and you didn’t deserve for it to happen. The only person who should feel ashamed is the perpetrator.
    I also think that your brain was trying to protect you by concealing the details. As Jamie said, you might be remembering this because you’re at a place in which you’re ready to remember it.
    We’re here for you whenever you need us. You’re truly a strong and resilient individual, and we’re proud of you for having the courage to talk about what you’re experiencing. Continue to stay strong!

  13. jamie.lynn Volunteer

    focus.1968,
    First of all, thank you for trusting us with your story and the details of what happened to you. Please know that we are here for you and support you! Our minds protect us when bad things happen, so sometimes we don’t remember all of the details of a traumatic event until we are “ready or able” to process and comprehend what happened to us. It can be frustrating not knowing all of the details. As for your question, I don’t know medically if that is something that happens but I imagine that our bodies respond to assaults in various ways and I am sure you are not alone in your reaction. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Please know we are here for you!

    -jamie

  14. SAF Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,
    Thank you for sharing with us. I am so sorry you had to go through that and that people think you should feel ashamed. Our bodies all react to things in different ways. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you have nothing to feel ashamed for. Memory is a tricky thing and sometimes it can take years for anything to come back at all. The more you talk about what happened and how you’re feeling, the better that can be to handle those memories.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  15. calshaw Day Captain

    Hey focus.1968,

    Please never feel ashamed for what happened to you or what your body did. In such events, our bodies respond differently in order to protect ourselves. Our bodies are designed with natural defenses, your mother and her friends are wrong to tell you to feel ashamed. You should feel brave and strong for overcoming this traumatic event. We believe you are brave and strong.
    Also, it is completely normal to remember things years later. An image, or a scent, even a phrase may trigger a memory. But don’t let that memory control you or the rest of your day, because you have come so far since then. We are so happy you continue to share with us and so happy you reach out. We are here, always.
    -Shawn

  16. Mary Volunteer

    Hi focus.1968,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for what happened to you, and for what you are going through. Our bodies respond to trauma in many different ways. What happened was in no way your fault. It is normal for survivors to experience shame, but your mother and her friends are in the wrong by telling you that you should be feeling ashamed. We’re here for you.

    Mary

  17. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed. Everyone reacts to trauma differently. You are so strong and brave. I am so proud of you. Please never forget how strong that you truly are. You deserve to be happy. We are all here for you, always.

  18. Jade Volunteer

    It was brave of you to reach out for support and I’m glad you did. I’m sorry for all the pain you’ve endured and the trauma that you’ve gone through. It’s understandable that you are remembering more details, what you went through is not easy to move on from. But you have in fact come so far already, and that takes true strength. As many others have pointed out, please don’t feel ashamed for anything, nothing was your fault. Please hold on to that strength and keep fighting, you got this!

  19. Jay Volunteer

    Hi focus, I just wanted to say you’re not alone in feeling ashamed but you have absolutely no fault in this. We can’t always control our body’s functions, especially when we shut down to protect ourselves. What happened isn’t your fault, and your very brave for speaking up.

    Also, it’s totally normal for us to remember things years later. Our brain shuts things out, only to have the memory surface later. Talking about what happened can make it easier to process, so I’m really glad you reached out.

  20. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Thank you for reaching out and what your body did is actually more related to tramatic event. In that moment it wasn’t your fault its the body reaction. Try to talk with a therapsit about it and see what they say. Please let us know if you need anything more we are here to support you. Just know they are sources you can use. You can also talk with your personal medical provider because alot of them might be able to help. Please let us know if you need anything we are here for you.

  21. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out to us. You did not deserve anything that happened to you; please try not to feel ashamed. I am sorry that your family makes you feel that you should be, but you did nothing wrong. Have you tried to talk to a therapist to figure some of these things out? Maybe that could help you a bit more, and they could help support you as well. Please let us know if we can do anything further. We are here for you <3

  22. Solongago

    I am sorry this happened to you. You should not be ashamed at all. Bodily functions can certainly release when we are experiencing a traumatic event. There is probably some scientific reason, like the body is putting all the blood and muscle-energy to the extremities to facilitate fight or flight and the other parts may lose function temporarily.

    The important thing to understand is that you experienced a traumatic event, that none of it was your fault, and that nothing, NOTHING that happened during this event defines you. You survived, and you can consider yourself a survivor if that is helpful, but even that, at some point, might be something that you don’t want. It is powerful, and it can help in the healing process. But who we are is NOT what happened to us once, or many times over a number of years. We can be what we want to be, and we do not need to chronically suffering from symptoms of having had this happen. There is a healing journey that is available to us. There is no shame in anything that happened then, nor is there any in finding the path to healing and accepting help along that path.

  23. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am not a therapist or a clinical professional, but I can imagine that is absolutely possible during a traumatic event. You shouldn’t be ashamed-what happened to you was not your fault. You didn’t deserve this. Please text VOICE to 741 741 if you need to speak to a crisis counselor, and maybe they can help refer you to services in your area. Let us know how else we can help-thanks for coming back.

    Erin