For background, a year and a half ago I ended a 7.5 year long relationship with my ex, who had been abusive and had told me that he would force me if I ever said no to him. So I spent all those years too afraid to say no, even though I generally didn’t want to do it. After I left him, I started seeing J. J had been my best friend for the last 8 years, and he had heard everything that I have been through. He always said how angry it made him, and what a monster my ex had been. I fell pretty hard for him.
The problem is, I have still been learning to say no, and he is the kind of guy who would rather ask forgiveness than permission. A couple months into the relationship, he started introducing anal into the sex. I told him we couldn’t do it without lube. He’d do it anyways. I told him that we could only do it once a visit (I saw him on weekends every other week), so that I wouldn’t get injured. He would do it 2-3 anyways, and not seem to care when I told him I bled. I know that’s pretty sketchy, but during the moment I never said no, though I would pull his fingers away the first couple times before giving in and letting him.
However, about 4 months ago, I found the courage to speak up. We had done it the day before, and I was okay with that. But that day he tried to use fingers for anal play, and I said that “it was too soon from last time”. He said okay, we kept going with vanilla sex. Then he tried again as soon as I relaxed. I told him “I’m too sore”. He said “okay, sorry”, and we went back to regular stuff. He went for fingers one more time, I pushed his fingers away and said “I said I’m too sore. When you push for anal when I’m too sore, you ruin the experience for me and makes me not want to do that”. He looked me in the eye, told me he was sorry, and went back to normal. I relaxed, thinking that I finally made my point, and had a successful no for the first time. Then he tried one last time. But not with his fingers. I froze, I didn’t know what to do. My best friend, who knew everything I had gone through, acknowledged my nos and was doing it anyways. I slipped back into old habits from my previous relationship, and I stopped responding and relaxed my body as much as possible to try and minimize damage.
People have told me that it was rape, and that is was horrifying, but my mind can’t comprehend it. He’s my best friend, the guy I confided in. He was the one who comforted me while I started finding myself again after leaving my abuser.
He couldn’t rape me too…. Could he?