When I was in college, I started dating this guy. He was sweet at first but gradually he became angry all the time and snappy. I felt like I was constantly walking on eggshells and constantly felt not good enough. Eventually it got to the point that he was emotionally abusive. He would yell and curse at me but was so manipulative that I felt like it was constantly my fault. When I finally got sick of taking it I began standing up for myself. I could tell that he was a bit shocked but he backed off and I thought I had drawn good boundaries. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Over the next few weeks every time he was drinking he would start blaming me for something. When I stood up for myself he began to get physical. I remember a specific time when he grabbed my arm so hard that it left bruises. Another time he pushed me down the stairs of his fraternity house. None of his “brothers” said a word. A few times he put his hand over my mouth and once even around my neck. I have no idea why I let it go on for so long. I guess I just thought that if I stuck it out he would work through his anger issues and get better. I honestly felt like I would be betraying him by leaving. I felt like if I left I would be giving up on him and consider myself selfish. It sounds crazy now. On my birthday we went to a bar with some friends. He got drunk and began telling me how dirty I was for dating this other guy my freshman year. He told me that I was gross and he doesn’t find me attractive when he thinks about it. I told him that he was drunk and that we shouldn’t talk about it now and that I was gunna go home and sleep. He immediately began getting closer to me while saying that I wasn’t going anywhere and that he wasn’t drunk. I then said that I was “too drunk” to talk about it. I just wanted to get out of there. I tried to get my friends attention but he stepped in front of me and grabbed my arms. When I tried to push past him he bit my face. He bit me so hard on my cheek that it began bruising and swelling immediately. He pushed me up against the wall at the bar and had one hand around my throat. Everyone in the bar saw it. The only person who said anything was the bartender who told us that we needed to get out. As I tried to rush out the door to my friends, who were outside, my boyfriend held on to my arm. As soon as we were outside he drug me to the side. When I told him that he was hurting me and that if he didn’t let go I would scream he yelled that if I did we were over. He began squeezing me harder so I screamed “you are hurting me”! The only person who stepped in was my best friend. She stepped in between us and yelled at him. He threw his phone and started cursing. She immediately put me into the car and took me home. Happy birthday to me. The next night my best friend took me to a different frat house to have fun because “I didn’t get to have a fun bday”. I had a lot to drink and ended needing to go home to bed. My friend had posted a video of us dancing on snap chat and my now-ex boyfriend saw it. He got upset that I was at the other frat house and having fun. With everything that happened the past few months I should have known what he was capable of. A few hours later he broke into my apartment and raped me. He denies it, saying that we talked about getting back together and that I wanted to have sex but I checked my phone and never asked him to come over. I had been so drunk that I was throwing up so I know I wasn’t able to talk and even if I was he would have known that I was too drunk. For the two and a half years I had class with him. I saw him nearly every day. I never reported him. I questioned myself for so long. Even though I know logically that it wasn’t my fault and that he was wrong in every way, I can’t help but feel shame. I feel shame for both letting it get so far and giving up on him. I feel like a stupid victim and a selfish girlfriend. I hate that I fee this way. I wish it were more black and white emotionally for me. I wish that I still didn’t have the urge to make him jealous, make him want me, and be friends. I wish I could just hate him. I am married and have a beautiful daughter and I still think about that relationship almost every day. I’m so happy with my life right now but I feel like I’m still piecing my life and confidence back together. I wonder if I will ever move on.