I didn’t even realize….

Growing up I always knew I was into girls but my family is very religious and I knew I’d be in trouble if they found out. I dated a few girls in middle school and the beginning of high school but when there weren’t any other girls I could “pursue” without coming out, I decided to start dating guys. I had this irrational fear that if I was single for too long, everyone would just know I was really gay.

Anyway, I started dating this guy. He was interested in some of the same things as me and he was very sweet. We had fun when we hung out but sex was becoming an issue for him because we weren’t having it. He had had sex before with past girlfriends and I had only been sexually active with girls. Sex with girls just made sense to me but I had no desire to have sex with guys. He told me that I was still a virgin because “stuff” with girls wasn’t sex, it was just fooling around, but I needed to have sex with a guy to know what real sex was. I told him multiple times that I wasn’t ready and each time that conversation was had, he seemed to get more and more irritated with me. Eventually he made sly comments about how if we broke up, he’d tell his friends that it would be because I was a lesbian. I started to mentally really freak out because I didn’t want to have sex with him but if I didn’t, my secret would come out. 

One night we were at his house, in his bedroom, alone. We were kissing and things were heating up, I tried to cool things down by suggesting we watch a movie or whatever. He then sat up, a little upset, on the bed and pulled his shorts down and told me that if I wouldn’t have sex with him, the least I could do after I got him excited, would be to perform oral sex on him. As soon as he said that, I felt bad that I had gotten him excited but then refused sex. I told him I didn’t really want to but while verbally resisting, he slowly and, what I perceived at the time to be playfully, he pushed my head down onto him. When I tried harder to pull my head away he pushed down harder telling me how it wouldn’t take long because I had gotten him so hard and he complimented my body. When he finished in my mouth he let my head go and I ran into the bathroom to throw up. When I came back into his room, he gave me some gum, kissed me and told me that the first time is the hardest but that I would get used to it. My stomach turned just thinking about the possibility of a next time but I also remember thinking that maybe I’m just being awkward because I had never been sexual with a guy. 

Over the next couple months, I stopped resisting. He always made me feel bad for not having sex with him and then praise me after the oral sex. He made me feel like I owed him this act because I was being a prude and he was being nice by waiting for me. He was such a smooth talker and everything he said to me seemed to come from a caring place or a playful place. 

There was a day we were hanging out with our friends and they were talking about having sex. My boyfriend made some passive aggressive comments, in a joking manner, about how I was still a virgin, I wasn’t ready and that I like to tease him and then reject him. I became the center of the conversation and I felt worse than I had ever felt before. I questioned my decision to not have sex with him and started to feel like, for him, I should give in. 

Later that night, we were in his room and he started kissing me. His hands all over me and my head was racing. I was having this fight in my head about whether to go where I didn’t want to go or stand my ground. He started to pull my pants off and I grabbed the waistband and said not now. He pulled harder and I lost my grip. I tried to play wrestle with him to get out from under him but he seemed to get more excited and made a comment about how I was making him work for it. He pinned my hands above my head, pulled my panties off and positioned himself between my legs. I got a little more stern and told him no and I wasn’t ready. He kissed me and said he had a compromise. As soon as the words fell from his mouth I felt the pressure from his penis against my anus. My heart started racing and I looked at him and said no, no, no. That’s all I could think of to say, I just kept saying no. He just, in his sweet tone, told me that I’d like it, he wouldn’t be taking my virginity, this would make him feel good, we’d become more connected, we could do this until I was ready to have “real” sex, etc. I just kept shaking my head no, asking him to please stop but with every one of my pleas, he’d say it’s ok, it’s ok and he was slowly pushing himself inside me. I started to cry and I told him it hurt and to please stop but he didn’t and said it would stop hurting soon. He let go of my wrists and told me to hold onto him, to hug him. He kissed my neck and cheeks, he tried to kiss my lips but I was gritting my teeth in pain. I was holding my breath, thinking it might hurt less if I didn’t breathe. As he finished inside me, he whispered that he loved me in my ear. This was the first time he had said that to me. He fell to one side of me and wiped the tears from my face. He grabbed my chin and pulled me in for a kiss. He smiled at me and said “you’re so amazing baby, thank you for doing that for me. I love you so much.” He pulled me to lay on his chest and he patted my head. I told him that I loved him too and commented that that was the first time we’d said that to each other. He then said something that changed my view on how relationships work so drastically that it took me years to psychologically get over, he said “I know baby, I didn’t know if I did until you showed me that you deserved me breaking down my walls to let you in.” I felt disgusting and I never wanted that to happen again but I didn’t show that to him or anyone, because he made me feel like it was something I was doing for him and he expressed how grateful he was and how much he loved me. The next maybe 10 times it happened, it was the same scenario. I would resist and say no, he’d just ignore what I was saying, force anal sex and then be appreciative and tell me he loved me. I realized, eventually, it didn’t matter if I said no, I stopped saying anything. I’d just lay there, let it happen and hope it would be quick but when he realized I had given in, he started making me lay on my stomach and he’d pull my hair and choke me. He seemed to like it more when I was in pain, he said we were being kinky. 

After things went on like that for some months, one evening we were watching a romantic movie and he started touching me and I knew what was going to happen. By this point, he had gotten used to me not being engaged and when he took off my clothes I braced myself for the pain I knew was coming. This time was different though because he kept me on my back. He touched my vagina with his fingers and said he wanted me in the mood. He didn’t even give me a chance to say or do anything, he leaned down, sliding his arms under my back and grabbed my shoulders holding me in place, kissed me and quickly penetrated my vagina. I tried to move but the full weight of his body was on top of me and his grip on my shoulders became tighter. I pulled my face away from his and begged him to stop and asked him what he was doing. He started to move in and out of me, he said “you’re ready, I love you, it’s time”. I laid there crying and when he finished he told me he loved me again and said it was normal to cry when you lose your virginity. He said we were soul mates and he had never felt like this with anyone else. I didn’t even know what to think, my mind was blank. 

The next time we hung out with our friends, he bragged that we had sex and everyone congratulated us. I told my friend, privately, that he didn’t ask me first and that I had cried and she said “yeah, the first time can be confusing but it happens like that sometimes but at least he loves you so next time it’ll be better and less awkward. You’ll start to like it” so I figured that I had just misunderstood the situation. 

Sexual activities became progressively more “kinky”, in his words, but rough, including him sneaking up behind me to blindfold me and then pin me down and him roughly handling me during oral sex. He even started having sex with me while I was sleeping when I would stay the night. When I realized he was having sex with me while I slept, I confronted him and he said I was awake and wanted it or I was the one that initiated it, which was never the case. He was never out right mean to me and he never hit me, he always came off nice and “experimental”. He always reinforced that he loved me and every couple who loves each other does the things we do. We dated for another 10 or 11 months before he broke up with me. 

When you’re young you hear about rape and sexual harassment but those happen from strangers. I didn’t think that your significant other could rape you. To me, I never thought that I was raped. I knew I said no, but it was more of a “peer pressure” mentality. I know now that I was raped but at the time, and years after, I described it as “I didn’t want to but he pushed me into it”. I was, and still am, embarrassed about it but had told one friend about it and she just said “oh guys can be so pushy when they’re horny” and let it go, which just deepened my embarrassment and belief that I wasn’t actually raped. But years later, her and I were watching a documentary where a girl was raped by a stranger and I made a comment about how awful that was and how I couldn’t imagine being raped and she said “but you were”. I kinda scoffed and shook my head and she insisted that what had happened to me was rape and then google searched if you can be raped by a significant other and showed me the results. All my embarrassment, fear and anxiety just came flooding back. I couldn’t believe it, how could this have happened to me and I didn’t even realize?! Since then I’ve only told a couple more people but I still don’t like talking about it. Telling my story makes me feel dirty and vulnerable all over again but I decided to share here because I can be anonymous and maybe talk with others who, unfortunately, have similar stories. 

Thank you for listening. 


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30 comments

  1. Jay Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s the most hurtful when someone close to us betrays us. I’m sorry for what you went through. It helps to talk about it. Have you tried engaging in therapy? It’s so beneficial to speak to a professional. They have many tools to help you cope and get through all the negative feelings you are feeling. It’s not your fault. This man took advantage of you and you need to release. We can help you find resources in your area. There are many non-profit organizations we can connect you with to get you the proper services to help you heal. There is also crisis text line you can reach out to in the in event you really need to speak to somebody. Text “Voice” to 741741 to speak to a trained counselor. We are here for you.
    -Jay

  2. Gamato04 Volunteer

    I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are incredibly brave for sharing your story. As soon as your boyfriend realized you were not interested in those activities, he should have stopped. You did not deserve this nor was it your fault. A lot of girls and just people in general don’t know that rape can happen with your significant other.

  3. Alyssa Day Captain

    HI BehindTheVeil17,
    I am so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this. What he did was horrible and something that should have never happened to you. You friends should have also been more supportive and not on his side. You shouldn’t feel dirty when you say this because you aren’t. What happened to you is not your fault. It is your ex’s fault and he should feel like this. You are brave, strong, courageous, and beautiful.
    Don’t be scared to tell your family that you are into girls. If they love you they will be happy that you are happy. When I came out to my family that I was bi and that I was dating a girl, they didn’t understand, but as time went on they were okay with it because they saw I was happy. Your family should be happy for you too.
    I’m so proud of you for sharing your story because I know it must have been very hard for you to tell. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. If you need anything else please don’t be afraid to talk to us. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  4. brodie_james

    Hello friend,

    I really appreciate you sharing your story with us. I have experienced something similar with someone I dated in high school; I won’t go into many details here, but we were together for 1.5years, and the majority of that time was spent with him trying to manipulate and guilt me into doing sexual things with him (and oftentimes succeeding), even when I didn’t want to or wasn’t in the mood for what he wanted. It took me over 3 or 4 years to fully understand what happened, and even now I have only told one or two people about those experiences. I share this with you to hopefully help you know that you’re not alone – you’re not the only person to have been raped by a significant other, you’re not the only person who takes a long time to fully understand what happened, and you’re not the only person who feels embarrassed or vulnerable when sharing that part of your life. You are so incredibly strong and resilient for your how far you’ve come in processing these experiences, and I wish you all the best.

    Cheers,
    Brodie

  5. daisychains8891 Volunteer

    I’m so sorry you went through all of this. You’re so incredibly strong and we’re all so proud of you. I’m really glad you spoke out, it’s very brave of you. Please continue to share your story and speak up. You’re strong and in control. We’re all here for you!!

    All my love
    Leah

  6. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    I’m so sorry this happened , you absolutely didn’t deserve this at all. Thank you for sharing with us it was so brave of you. We want you to know we believe in you and if you ever need anything please come back and share with us. You are strong , stay strong and keep on fighting.

    Brianna

  7. rkr18 Volunteer

    I am deeply sorry you had to experience this. You did not deserve it. Thank you for sharing your story with us and we are here to listen and provide support. If you need more support please check out our resources. We are here got you and please keep us updated.
    -Marie

  8. Jess Volunteer

    I am so incredibly sorry that this happened to you. He took advantage of your trust and affection for him. Consent is able to be withdrawn at any point in a sexual encounter, whether that be before or during. He ignored every single one of your verbal and physical signals that you withdrew consent, and that was wrong on his part. Every single time, it was wrong. It doesn’t matter if he is a stranger, a boyfriend, or even your husband, if you withdrew consent, it is rape.

    I’m glad to hear that you had a friend that, although initially dismissed your story, now recognizes that what happened to you is rape and assisted you in identifying that fact. It’s incredibly hard to tell our stories and you’re absolutely amazing for sharing yours. You don’t owe your story to anyone, but if it helps to share, please continue to do so.

    I’m so glad you trusted us enough to share your story here. If you need anything at all, please let us know. We are always here and we believe you. You are so incredibly strong. Keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  9. mkyuellig Volunteer

    hello,

    I’m so sorry that you went through this ordeal. You absolutely did nothing to deserve it, and i’m so sorry that someone you trusted was so manipulative and conniving to take advantage of you. No one should ever pressure you into doing something sexually that you aren’t comfortable with. Consent is ongoing, verbal, and enthusiastic. He was coercive and actively ignored your verbal and physical “no’s” and that is never okay. I want you to know that you are not anything less because of how this person hurt you. You are so brave and amazing for sharing your experience with us, but also know that you don’t owe anyone your story if you aren’t ready to share it.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  10. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi BehindTheVeil17,
    I am so sorry this happened to you. It wasn’t your fault at all, and you didn’t deserve this. He should not have made you feel guilty for resisting; instead, he should have respected your lack of consent and stopped immediately. You saying no is more than enough – he should have stopped. He should not have pressured you to do anything or even said anything to your friends. To me, it sounds like he was manipulating you by saying he loved you to get what he wanted. That’s not acceptable at all, and I’m so sorry he did this.
    I understand why it’s difficult to tell your story. In some way, you’re reliving the details, and it can be exhausting. I will say that you’re not dirty, and what happened does not make you dirty. That being said, I’m so thankful that you’re sharing your story with us. You are so strong and brave for writing these words. If you ever need anything, please feel free to let us know. We’re here for you, and we’ll support you in any way we can.

  11. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey BehindTheVeil17,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us. That must have been really hard for you, and I’m sorry you were treated so badly. It’s really difficult being in a situation like that – where you think they’re doing things with the best intentions, but not really knowing what’s going on in their minds. It’s manipulative, and I’m incredibly sorry you had to go through that. It really takes a giant mental toll, but you are so strong for sharing with us. Like others have said, you didn’t do anything wrong. You “making him excited” doesn’t give him any right to your body.

    It’s also terrible that he was blackmailing you with threatening to out you. That was definitely not his right. It’s hard to believe there are people out there that are so awful, and I’m sorry you had to meet one of them.

    Please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need anything. We are here to help you in any way we can. Stay strong! ❤️

    Marissa

  12. blashea

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. You did not deserve this at all. You have absolutely no reason to be embarrassed, you did nothing wrong. He should’ve respected your boundaries. I am so proud of you for sharing your story with us. You are so brave and strong. Have you considered speaking with a counselor about what you experienced? It could help you learn how to cope with and process what you went through. If you feel comfortable/ want to, you can text VOICE to 741-741 and be connected with a counselor anonymously. Please never hesitate to reach out to us. We are all here for you and support you.

  13. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear BehindTheVeil17 ,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story; you are so strong and courageous! I am sorry that this happened to you and that it happened for so long. Sadly, there are many people who are hurt in this way because they are manipulated into thinking it is part of being in a relationship. My first time was not as violent, but was similar situation. I hope that sharing your story and reading all of our responses telling you that it was not your fault, you have a reason to be upset about it, and you are amazingly resilient helps you begin to heal. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you. Please feel free to come back and write to us as often as you would like.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  14. MH Volunteer

    Hello BehindTheVeil17,
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry that you had to go through that. You did not deserve any of it.
    Have you thought about talking to a professional about your experiences? If you think it may help, please check out the “Find Help” section on the website.
    MH

  15. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi, BehindTheVeil17,
    I’m so sorry for what you went through. You didn’t deserve it and none of it was your fault. He should of respected you and that you weren’t ready. When someone truly loves you they will wait for your consent. You are not alone and its important to remember that. How you feel was completely understandable and we are here to talk anytime you need. I know talking is hard and painful but it does start the healing process. Have you sought out outside help? If we can help at all please let us know! We are always here for you!
    Kailey

  16. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I want to start by saying I am so sorry for what happened to you. Please know that you are not to blame, and you didn’t deserve this. You said no, and your exboyfriend didn’t listen. I’m verys sorry that this happened. It must have been confusing seein as the two of you were datig and you cared about him, but he is to blame for his actions not you.

    I know talking about what has happened can be difficult, but please know that this is a safe space for you to talk about it. We support you and we believe you. Is there anything we can do to help you further? Stay strong!

    Carmen

  17. bjames1121 Volunteer

    Good Morning –

    I am truly sadden to hear what happen to you. In relationships, if a partner tells you no and you persist to proceed, that is rape. You didn’t deserve to be treated with disrespect. When someone loves you they would patiently wait for your consent. You have no reason to be embarrass, you didn’t do anything wrong. You trusted someone you cared about and he took advantage of you. Talking about it and sharing your story is the beginning of the healing process. We are here for you as a listening ear and for support.

    God Bless…….

  18. andyspringer Volunteer

    Hello there, BehindTheVeil17,

    To start things off, thank you so much for sharing your story. You don’t know how many people just like you will read this and feel a sense of validation in your experiences. You are not alone.

    I am very sorry to read this story. It is a common misconception that rape and sexual assault cannot take place in a relationship between two partners. This can be very difficult to identify, but I am glad you had a friend that was able to bring you to that conclusion and I am so thankful you are no longer in that situation. As I said before, a lot of people just like you come to this website to seek support and validation- by sharing your experiences you are helping to open up the conversation about what love does and does not look like. You are a hero.

    We are all here for you and on your side.

    Always,
    Andy

  19. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    I am so sorry that all of this happened to you. Thank you for coming here to share your story. I am really glad that you did. I want to tell you that what happened was not okay, and that your boyfriend at the time took advantage of you. He did not respect your right to say no and that is NEVER okay whether it is a stranger or your significant other. This was not your fault and you do not have to feel embarrassed about what happened. You are not dirty at all. This was not your fault and this does not speak to who you are as a person. You are so much more than what happened to you with your boyfriend at the time. You are so strong! You survived this. You have so much more ahead of you! If you ever need to talk more about what happened, anonymously, please don’t hesitate to come back. If you want to look into counseling or other resources check out our Find Help tap on our website. you are SO SO strong! you can get through this. we are here for you and we are on your side!

    Sending love,
    Natalie

  20. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m very sorry you had to go through that. You didn’t deserve any of that. You are strong and I’m happy to see that you decided to share your story with us. We are here for you, to support you and help you get through this hard time. Even though the instance occurred awhile ago, you’ve expressed that the memories and feelings find you and wish not to speak about them. Your feelings of vulnerability and uncleanliness is normal; however, this was not at all your fault and definitely does not define you. I would hope that you find comfort in posting with us. You are more than willing to continue to update us on your thoughts and feelings.

    You are strong!

  21. Ashley Day Captain

    The first time that you told him you weren’t ready, he should have respected the boundaries that you set. Since he threatened to disclose your sexual orientation, it’s understandable that you began to feel uneasy. When we kiss someone, that certainly doesn’t mean that we consent to anything else; he had no right to influence you to feel guilty.
    When you were around your friends, it’s not okay that he made you the center of the conversation and bragged that you two had sexual intercourse. When you talked to your friend about what happened, I’m thinking that you dealt with conflicting emotions. Sexual violence can be a difficult topic to comprehend; this is a safe space and none of us are passing judgment.
    You mentioned that you don’t like to share what has happened, which isn’t abnormal, and I want to thank you for making the decision to confide in our community.

    Take care of yourself, BehindTheVeil17.

  22. Dogscoffeebooks

    I am so sorry you had to go through this.
    Telling my story was super hard at first and I still sometimes feel the shame and guilt that can come with rape.
    But I promise you that none of this was your fault. You did not deserve it or ask for it. The guy who took my virginity is also the same one who raped me.
    I also didn’t recognize or admit to myself that what happened was rape but when it hit me, it was the most ugly feeling I have ever experienced.
    I am so glad you reached out and trusted us with your story. You are brave and you are strong. I’m sending you so much love.

  23. Megan Volunteer

    Hey BehindTheVeil17,

    I’m so sorry that this happened to you but you are so strong for sharing your story with us. You’re right that what you experienced was rape; sadly, most people don’t talk about how rape can happen within relationships, despite the high proportions of rapes happening with people you know rather than strangers. Because no one really talks about rape within relationships, it’s not unusual that you didn’t realise it for a while. I think sometimes our brains also tell us that things weren’t sexual assault when it really was as a way of protecting us until we are ready to face what really happened. I personally did not recognize my own experiences as sexual abuse until nearly ten years after it started. I feel like not realising it is a combination of us protecting ourselves and the culture telling us it isn’t that or silencing us when we try to speak about it; so it’s not too surprising that many people don’t recognize their experiences as sexual violence. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Acknowledge that you had the strength to make it through all of that and to share your story with your friend and us here today.

    You will get through this,
    Megan

  24. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there BehindTheVeil17,

    You are so brave for sharing your story. It’s normal to feel dirty and vulnerable. I’m glad you felt safe enough to share it here. Sometimes letting it out can be helpful. Please know that none of this is not your fault. He had no right to take advantage of you or to use your secret against you. Defining rape or sexual assault can be tough – it is best to define it how you feel most comfortable and connected to and not what others think. This is your experience and your story. Please keep on fighting. We are here for you.

    Sending light,
    SFM

  25. Lizzi G Volunteer

    Hi BehindTheVeil17,
    I’m so sorry for what happened to you. It wasn’t right of him to manipulate you into anything you weren’t ready for or things you didn’t want to do. It can get so confusing when someone hurts or abuses you and then tell you they love you because it can make it seem like they were doing it out of love, when they really were abusing you. It is definitely possible to be raped by a significant other, and I think it happens way more commonly than people realize. I hate that people minimized what you were going through when you spoke up about it and acted like it wasn’t a big deal when it really was. I hope that you either have people in your life now to support you or you can find support to heal from this. Thank you for opening up and sharing with us, as I’m sure it was difficult to think about it again.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  26. Edjay Volunteer

    Hi BehindTheVeil17,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. What happened to you was inexcusable, and it’s awful that people seemed to brush you off when you shared what he did. As others below have said, what happened to you was not your fault, and sex should always be consensual. It’s understandable that you don’t feel comfortable talking about it, but I’m glad that you found this website and decided to share with us–I can only imagine the courage it took for you to share. Please let us know if there’s anything you need. Stay strong.

    Edjay

  27. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi BehindTheVeil17,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I am so sorry that all of this happened to you. You didn’t deserve this and none of it was your fault. It was all his fault. He should have respected to your consent. When you say no, he, and anyone else, should listen. Our society certainly likes to describe rape as something that a stranger does to someone at gunpoint, but the reality is that rape, domestic violence, and abuse are all more likely to occur by someone you know, especially a significant other or family member. Our society needs to do a much better job of understanding sexual abuse and eliminate harmful myths about what does and doesn’t count as rape. But I will say you have shown tremendous courage for perservering and for sharing your story, whether to your friend or here, at A Voice for the Innocent. I want you to know that we believe you and that you are not alone. We are here to help in anyway we can. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. And feel free to continue posting updates if that is something you’re comfortable doing. Stay strong.

    Thomas

  28. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    First, I am so, so sorry for everything that happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of it, and none of it was your fault. He had no right to do what he did-no one does. You aren’t supposed to be crying, screaming, begging them to stop. Sex is supposed to be pleasurable, consensual, and fun, but only if all parties involved WANT to. Otherwise, it is not okay. It is never okay. It took me years to realize that certain experiences in my life were not okay-I don’t owe anyone my body, ever, at any time. And neither do you. i hope this helps-we support you. Come back to share more any time-if you need more support, let us know. Thank you for sharing your story.

    Erin

  29. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    First of all i am so sorry this happened to you. What happened to you was not your fault and know that what he did was wrong. Thank you for sharing your story and you are courageous for sharing your story. Please let us know if you need support we are here for you!

  30. candyappleb Volunteer

    Behindtheveil17,

    First of all, I’m so sorry that you went through that experience. What happened wasn’t your fault. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please feel free to post again as much as you need to. We’re here for you!