Growing up I always knew I was into girls but my family is very religious and I knew I’d be in trouble if they found out. I dated a few girls in middle school and the beginning of high school but when there weren’t any other girls I could “pursue” without coming out, I decided to start dating guys. I had this irrational fear that if I was single for too long, everyone would just know I was really gay.
Anyway, I started dating this guy. He was interested in some of the same things as me and he was very sweet. We had fun when we hung out but sex was becoming an issue for him because we weren’t having it. He had had sex before with past girlfriends and I had only been sexually active with girls. Sex with girls just made sense to me but I had no desire to have sex with guys. He told me that I was still a virgin because “stuff” with girls wasn’t sex, it was just fooling around, but I needed to have sex with a guy to know what real sex was. I told him multiple times that I wasn’t ready and each time that conversation was had, he seemed to get more and more irritated with me. Eventually he made sly comments about how if we broke up, he’d tell his friends that it would be because I was a lesbian. I started to mentally really freak out because I didn’t want to have sex with him but if I didn’t, my secret would come out.
One night we were at his house, in his bedroom, alone. We were kissing and things were heating up, I tried to cool things down by suggesting we watch a movie or whatever. He then sat up, a little upset, on the bed and pulled his shorts down and told me that if I wouldn’t have sex with him, the least I could do after I got him excited, would be to perform oral sex on him. As soon as he said that, I felt bad that I had gotten him excited but then refused sex. I told him I didn’t really want to but while verbally resisting, he slowly and, what I perceived at the time to be playfully, he pushed my head down onto him. When I tried harder to pull my head away he pushed down harder telling me how it wouldn’t take long because I had gotten him so hard and he complimented my body. When he finished in my mouth he let my head go and I ran into the bathroom to throw up. When I came back into his room, he gave me some gum, kissed me and told me that the first time is the hardest but that I would get used to it. My stomach turned just thinking about the possibility of a next time but I also remember thinking that maybe I’m just being awkward because I had never been sexual with a guy.
Over the next couple months, I stopped resisting. He always made me feel bad for not having sex with him and then praise me after the oral sex. He made me feel like I owed him this act because I was being a prude and he was being nice by waiting for me. He was such a smooth talker and everything he said to me seemed to come from a caring place or a playful place.
There was a day we were hanging out with our friends and they were talking about having sex. My boyfriend made some passive aggressive comments, in a joking manner, about how I was still a virgin, I wasn’t ready and that I like to tease him and then reject him. I became the center of the conversation and I felt worse than I had ever felt before. I questioned my decision to not have sex with him and started to feel like, for him, I should give in.
Later that night, we were in his room and he started kissing me. His hands all over me and my head was racing. I was having this fight in my head about whether to go where I didn’t want to go or stand my ground. He started to pull my pants off and I grabbed the waistband and said not now. He pulled harder and I lost my grip. I tried to play wrestle with him to get out from under him but he seemed to get more excited and made a comment about how I was making him work for it. He pinned my hands above my head, pulled my panties off and positioned himself between my legs. I got a little more stern and told him no and I wasn’t ready. He kissed me and said he had a compromise. As soon as the words fell from his mouth I felt the pressure from his penis against my anus. My heart started racing and I looked at him and said no, no, no. That’s all I could think of to say, I just kept saying no. He just, in his sweet tone, told me that I’d like it, he wouldn’t be taking my virginity, this would make him feel good, we’d become more connected, we could do this until I was ready to have “real” sex, etc. I just kept shaking my head no, asking him to please stop but with every one of my pleas, he’d say it’s ok, it’s ok and he was slowly pushing himself inside me. I started to cry and I told him it hurt and to please stop but he didn’t and said it would stop hurting soon. He let go of my wrists and told me to hold onto him, to hug him. He kissed my neck and cheeks, he tried to kiss my lips but I was gritting my teeth in pain. I was holding my breath, thinking it might hurt less if I didn’t breathe. As he finished inside me, he whispered that he loved me in my ear. This was the first time he had said that to me. He fell to one side of me and wiped the tears from my face. He grabbed my chin and pulled me in for a kiss. He smiled at me and said “you’re so amazing baby, thank you for doing that for me. I love you so much.” He pulled me to lay on his chest and he patted my head. I told him that I loved him too and commented that that was the first time we’d said that to each other. He then said something that changed my view on how relationships work so drastically that it took me years to psychologically get over, he said “I know baby, I didn’t know if I did until you showed me that you deserved me breaking down my walls to let you in.” I felt disgusting and I never wanted that to happen again but I didn’t show that to him or anyone, because he made me feel like it was something I was doing for him and he expressed how grateful he was and how much he loved me. The next maybe 10 times it happened, it was the same scenario. I would resist and say no, he’d just ignore what I was saying, force anal sex and then be appreciative and tell me he loved me. I realized, eventually, it didn’t matter if I said no, I stopped saying anything. I’d just lay there, let it happen and hope it would be quick but when he realized I had given in, he started making me lay on my stomach and he’d pull my hair and choke me. He seemed to like it more when I was in pain, he said we were being kinky.
After things went on like that for some months, one evening we were watching a romantic movie and he started touching me and I knew what was going to happen. By this point, he had gotten used to me not being engaged and when he took off my clothes I braced myself for the pain I knew was coming. This time was different though because he kept me on my back. He touched my vagina with his fingers and said he wanted me in the mood. He didn’t even give me a chance to say or do anything, he leaned down, sliding his arms under my back and grabbed my shoulders holding me in place, kissed me and quickly penetrated my vagina. I tried to move but the full weight of his body was on top of me and his grip on my shoulders became tighter. I pulled my face away from his and begged him to stop and asked him what he was doing. He started to move in and out of me, he said “you’re ready, I love you, it’s time”. I laid there crying and when he finished he told me he loved me again and said it was normal to cry when you lose your virginity. He said we were soul mates and he had never felt like this with anyone else. I didn’t even know what to think, my mind was blank.
The next time we hung out with our friends, he bragged that we had sex and everyone congratulated us. I told my friend, privately, that he didn’t ask me first and that I had cried and she said “yeah, the first time can be confusing but it happens like that sometimes but at least he loves you so next time it’ll be better and less awkward. You’ll start to like it” so I figured that I had just misunderstood the situation.
Sexual activities became progressively more “kinky”, in his words, but rough, including him sneaking up behind me to blindfold me and then pin me down and him roughly handling me during oral sex. He even started having sex with me while I was sleeping when I would stay the night. When I realized he was having sex with me while I slept, I confronted him and he said I was awake and wanted it or I was the one that initiated it, which was never the case. He was never out right mean to me and he never hit me, he always came off nice and “experimental”. He always reinforced that he loved me and every couple who loves each other does the things we do. We dated for another 10 or 11 months before he broke up with me.
When you’re young you hear about rape and sexual harassment but those happen from strangers. I didn’t think that your significant other could rape you. To me, I never thought that I was raped. I knew I said no, but it was more of a “peer pressure” mentality. I know now that I was raped but at the time, and years after, I described it as “I didn’t want to but he pushed me into it”. I was, and still am, embarrassed about it but had told one friend about it and she just said “oh guys can be so pushy when they’re horny” and let it go, which just deepened my embarrassment and belief that I wasn’t actually raped. But years later, her and I were watching a documentary where a girl was raped by a stranger and I made a comment about how awful that was and how I couldn’t imagine being raped and she said “but you were”. I kinda scoffed and shook my head and she insisted that what had happened to me was rape and then google searched if you can be raped by a significant other and showed me the results. All my embarrassment, fear and anxiety just came flooding back. I couldn’t believe it, how could this have happened to me and I didn’t even realize?! Since then I’ve only told a couple more people but I still don’t like talking about it. Telling my story makes me feel dirty and vulnerable all over again but I decided to share here because I can be anonymous and maybe talk with others who, unfortunately, have similar stories.
Thank you for listening.