I consented, but I didn’t want to and he doesn’t know

I consented, but I didn’t want to and he doesn’t know

557 15

Hi guys. It’s Alyssa.
So last night I went to a party at my friends dorm with two friends and one of them drove me home. Both of us did not drink (I just don’t have a license which is why he drove me home). Anyway he was in the mood and asked me if I wanted to have sex with him. I didn’t want to tell that I wasn’t in the mood because I was tired and it was late, so I said “okay”.
He said it didn’t sound convincing and if I wanted to actually do it I had convince him. I didn’t know what to say or do so I was quiet and I thought about it. The more I thought the more my ex boyfriend/rapist came into my head. I was remembering him telling me how worthless and useless I was, that I was only good for sex, and all of these other horrible things. Because I was replaying all of that in my head I finally out loud said “yes I wanna have sex with you.”
During and after it I felt nothing and the next day (today) when I woke up I had really bad headache and my throat was hurting. Now I just don’t know what to do or who to turn to.
Thanks for being here for me.


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15 comments

  1. THECOUNT17

    also, that dude was a manipulative jerk, despite thew fact he didn’t “force” you physically, his words were poison. and by the way he was speaking he knew it.

  2. THECOUNT17

    Alyssa,
    thank you for having the courage to share. In my experience, it is perfectly normal, and for some, part of the process to recovery to learn to decipher when its ok to say “no” and when its ok to say “yes” I have struggled with admitting that my feelings are valid too, and the way I feel should absolutely factor into the decisions that I make regarding my time, or my physical person.

    it will get easier

  3. zboone29 Volunteer

    Alyssa,
    It’s pretty common to feel the need to please others after surviving sexual assault. This is a really tough situation, I’m sorry to hear you’ve gone through this. Counseling can usually be the best thing to turn to help gain back more strength and find good ways out of situations like these. It’s really hard getting out of our heads sometimes, and that especially can be true under pressure. We’re always here for you if you need anyone to talk to.

    Zack

  4. JamieMarie25 Volunteer

    Alyssa,
    I’ve been in your shoes before with my last relationship. We feel in order to rid the pain from our previous abuse, we must please others, whether it’s some random guy, or a current relationship. You should never cave in if your heart is not into it, or if we feel will rid the pain.
    What will help with the healing, is being up front and honest about the abuse, and knowing what you want and don’t want.
    This doesn’t define you. You’re a strong woman who has endured a lot, and you deserve the very best.
    Stay strong, girl.

  5. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Alyssa,
    Im sorry that happened. It’s not your fault. It really is awful how pushy some men can be, either in person or in our heads. Sometimes I think its worst when we hear that voice in our head. I hate that youe ex did that to you. It wasn’t your fault. My suggestion would be is maybe go see a therapist to help with hearing his voice and to take control back from him! It helps to talk to someone. Also write your ex a letter telling him how you feel. Dont give it to just to get it off your chest. And what also helped me was martial arts. It gave me reliefe and control to hit something and let my anger out. Hang in there. Another thing i did was pamper your self get your hair or nails done. Sometimes looking good helps you feel a little better even if its just a tad. Also hot baths with smell good bath bombs help too. You said you didn’t know what to do so those were just a few suggestions. Also http://online.rainn.org/
    Has been helpful in the past. Much love
    Kristin

  6. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Alyssa,
    I’m sorry you experienced this. I hate that your ex said those degrading things. You’re not worthless and you’re not only good for sex. You’re worth more than that. You’ve given so much love to the people sharing their stories, and you have the courage to share your own. You’re amazing and compassionate.
    How are you feeling? If you need to talk, we’ll be here.

  7. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Hi Alyssa,

    I am so sorry for what happened to you. Are you okay? We are here for you. Let us know what we can do.

    Erin

  8. Katarina

    Hi Alyssa,

    I’m sorry that you went through that. I know its really hard especially when you have these traumatic thoughts coming back to your head, but please don’t let this allow you to make decisions your not happy with. You are in control Alyssa, and you don’t have to go through that again. I understand how the past could make you feel worthless and thats maybe why you said yes when you didn’t mean it, but you’re not worthless! You’re a survivor and you deserve great experiences! Don’t punish yourself.

    Love from us all xoxox

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much! I really appreciate all of the love and support you have given me. Reading everything makes me feel a lot better. I know that the next time this happens I will definitely be in more control.

  9. Jacqui

    Alyssa, I’m so sorry that this happened to you. There’s been countless times I just had sex because I thought I should for the other person, so I understand what you are going through. But you are worth so much more than for sex. You are so strong. You are smart. You are passionate. You are kind. I wish he realized that you pausing and having to think about it, wasn’t an enthusiastic yes.
    I promise that you can turn to us. I’m here for you Alyssa.

  10. MetalGaymer

    Hey hon,

    I know how you feel. I’ve been in the same position on more than one occasion. I want you to know that it doesn’t define you. You are an amazing person, and we all love you, we support you, and we will always be here for you; just let us know.

    Love, strength and support,
    Ari

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much. I really appreciate all of your support and love.

  11. Kristen Eby

    Hey love.

    I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I completely understand consenting but not really wanting to…sometimes we want to please the other person, sometimes it’s just easier emotionally, and sometimes we feel like it’s all we’re good for. I’ve been there.

    But you are worth so much more. I knew this the moment I met you. You are open and direct in a way I’ve rarely seen, especially in someone so young. You’re intelligent and caring, fun and ambitious. You’re not afraid to help others even if it’s not convenient for you. The world is a better place because of you, Alyssa.

    That said, you’re allowed to be upset right now. Even though what happened was consensual, it’s reasonable to feel down about it. Let yourself feel your feelings! But when you’ve felt them, remember they’re not the truth. They don’t define you.

    I’m happy we’re here to support you, and I hope talking things out helps. Sending you all the love.

    Kristen

    1. Alyssa Day Captain

      Thank you so much Kristen. That means so much to me right now. I really appreciate everything. I thought I would be okay and I would fine in the morning, but it just all hit me kinda at once.
      You’re right though I just wanted to please him and prove my ex in my head wrong. I think by Monday I’ll feel better, I just need to sleep everything off and not over think it.
      Thank you for everything.

      1. Kristen Eby

        Always ❤️