I am a survivor

399 26

So this will be hard but to know there are others who know and understand mean a lot to me. I have never really told details but I want to. My father is still alive and believe it or is a nurse practitioner and it makes me so mad. When I was kindergarten I remember so we’ll the two story house and I had my own room and my two brothers shared a room. He would make me come to his room and lock the door and it just started small , you know like ( I have to say I am getting light headed telling this) he would make me kiss him and it was tongue and I remember wanting to throw up. It didn’t move beyond that until we moved to another state. So my mom comes back to him , why I don’t know as he almost killed her one night by choking her and I remember crying and just begging for her to live. She did and left for good and we had to stay as he would not let us go. So I am in 2nd grade now and so now it more than kissing it it I had to touch him and kiss his parts. I hated my life and I could not understand why this man my dad would do this and his temper , I was so scare of him and he told me if you ever tell I will kill you. Yes I am afraid telling this what if he finds out ? Then things get worse , from second grade to 5th grade here is life. Forced to watch dirty things with two women and one man, ( it was the old film projectors) and then he made me do those things like sucking his thing and he would at other times masterbate on me. Then now we add in when he tried to penetrate me I cried please Daddy it hurts and he stopped but just that everything else keeps going , like him telling me to tie him up and paint him white ( I loved that because he started to burn down there haha pay back). Then it was every day early morning before school he would come in my room and put dog chains on ankles and wrist so he do his thing and that includes him doing oral sex on me . But then there a friend I had and I remember her name to this day. He made invite her over to play Blind man’s bluff , that was him standing and masterbating and making me do oral on her and I cried and ask not to but his temper and I hated the hits and being held down under a blanket and not being able to breathe. I finally got away with his ex girlfriend who he almost killed by choking and I moved with her until things went bad there as she had forced my brother to have sex with her so I ran away. I got into bad things and was raped and end up in a girls home. Your wondering where is your mother right ? Well she had a new man and we we not a part of the program at first until I was in high school she finally let me come home from the girls home and made comments to me that I want to get into bed with my step dad and believe me that was not where I want to be. I tried to kill myself by taking alot of pills but I threw them up (God had other plans for me). There is my story and I have trust issues and I cannot seem to forgive and I don’t really have any friends and I do feel like an outcast but I am strong and have so much to live for and God is not done with me ! 


Join the Conversation

26 comments

  1. mkyuellig

    Hhobby23,

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, I hope that it was cathartic to get it off your chest. I am so sorry for what you have been through and that it started at such a young age and by the hands of someone you were supposed to be able to trust to protect you. I think it is very brave of you to share your story, especially considering it sounds like he has abused and harmed many people. I am glad that you are still alive and I want you to know that if you ever need support a listening ear, we are all here to offer you support and guidance. I also always want to recommend checking out if there are any sliding-scale therapists in your area. A little therapy can do wonders and really help you to feel empowered and in control of the things that have happened to you.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  2. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Hhobby23,
    I am so sorry this happened to you. This is not your fault. I’m happy you are still alive. I know what you went though was not easy, but you made it though this and you are a survivor. You do not deserve to die or have that happen to you. You are strong and brave and don’t let anyone tell you that you are not. Thank you again for trusting AVFTI with this. If you need anything else please let us know.
    -Alyssa

  3. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Hhobby23,

    I am glad you came back to share your story with us. Like I said before, we are all here for you, we believe you. I am so sorry for what your father did to you. You are so strong, and you are right God is not done with you! You have so much to live for and God I am sure has amazing plans for you in the future. You are very brave to share your story here. Have you and your brother talked about this? It might help to talk with someone who went through what you went through. Please continue to update us if you would like. Stay strong.

    Tyler

  4. Jade Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve experienced. Your father had absolutely no right to violate and abuse you the way he did and for so many years. I hope you know that none of it was your fault. You have every right to be angry, you went through a painful and traumatic experience, and something as traumatic as that is not easily forgiven. But you are such a strong individual and you are right that you have so much to live for. Please always remember that and always stay strong. You got this!
    -Jade

  5. Kailey2298 Volunteer

    Hi Hhobby23,
    I’m so sorry you had to go through this you didn’t deserve any of this. You are so strong an you are right God does have another plan for you! I’m glad to hear you know that. Have you talked to anyone ? Talking to someone can help work through how your feelings and release pent up emotions and feelings you have. If you need any help please don’t hesitate to ask!
    Kailey

  6. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Hhobby23,

    I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. He should have never treated you that way. You deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. None of this is your fault. But I want you to also know that you are incredibly brave. You have perservered through so much and are still here. I am glad you are still alive. You’re right, there is still a lot for you to do. You are so strong and you still have your whole life ahead of you. You are not alone. We are here for you. Please let us know if there is anything else we can do to help. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

    Thomas

  7. Megan Volunteer

    Hi Hhobby23,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us! You are so strong. I’m sorry that all of these things happened to you. It’s not fair and you deserve to be treated so much better than that. I’d also like to say that I’m very glad that you are still alive and I’m so proud of you for continuing to survive. I know how hard it can be sometimes. After going through things like that, it can leave a lot of problems. Don’t be too hard on yourself about having trust issues and not being able to forgive. It takes a lot of work to get to a point where those things no longer affect you. But from your previous post it looks like you are on the right track to working through those if you are seeing a therapist; it really does help so much.

    You are strong and incredible. We are always here if you ever need anything,
    Megan

  8. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    You are honestly so strong and amazing , thank you for sharing with us. As for what happened I’m sorry to hear about that and none of it was your fault at all. This does not define you at all and know that no matter what we stand with behind you the entire way. Stay strong!

    -Brianna

  9. Amysue43 Volunteer

    You are truly strong and your positive mind set has created an endless amount of opportunities for you. The series of events that has happened to you is unfair and not your fault. These instances do not define you which I believe you have definitely recognized in your faith. I hope you find comfort in sharing your story here. You should also know that AVFTI has other resources if you chose to seek out such.

    You are strong! <3

  10. Lizzi G

    Hhobby23,
    First, I’d like to say that I’m glad you’re still alive. Second, I’m so sorry for what you went through. That must have been so disgusting and horrible to have to go through all of that, especially on a daily basis. I wish your mom had stuck around to help you so you didn’t have to go through this. You’ve been through such awful things but I really like that at the end of this you said that you still have so much to live for. Your strength in overcoming this is absolutely incredible. I’m glad that you shared with us and hopefully you’ll get some relief by saying the details.

    Much hope,
    Lizzi

  11. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hhobby23,

    I’m so sorry that you experienced all of those things. None of it was ever your fault. I’m glad you chose to share your story with us (I wish I had seen this post before I commented on your other one) you’re always welcome to post here as you continue to work through your healing journey. We’re here for you. Best of luck,
    Becca

  12. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey i am So sorry you went through all of that. It is truly Amazing you can trust God and using him to perserve through all what you were going through. We are here for you!

  13. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Hhobby23,
    I’m truly sorry this happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of it, and it wasn’t your fault. He should not have done what he did. These people were supposed to support and protect you, and I’m so sorry they didn’t.
    However, I’m so glad that you’re still here and that you’re hopeful about living. That’s an amazing mindset to have. You’re incredibly strong for getting through this. Have you ever thought about counseling? Maybe it could help you work through the trust issues as well as have someone to help you. I will say that this is your choice and that you can do what feels right for you.
    Thank you for trusting us with your story. You’re so brave for sharing this. We’re here for you if you need anything, so please feel free to reach out. You’ve got this!

  14. colton95 Volunteer

    I think that it is amazing that you are trusting in God and that you were able to persevere through all of the horrible things that you went through. I hope that you will continue to stay strong and remind yourself that you are a survivor and that you can make it through any difficult times!

  15. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hhobby23,

    I am so so sorry you were put thru this trauma, you DID not deserve it. I do want to say how thankful I am that you shared your story. It’s must have been so difficult to have to relive that pain. We are here to listen and help. If you haven’t talked to a professional, I believe that would help. You are strong and courageous and are here for a reason, god has some major plans for you. Please let us know if there is anything we can help you with. Keep sharing updates and anything with us.

    -Marie

  16. Jess Volunteer

    I am so incredibly sorry that your father did that to you. You absolutely did not deserve any of it. Your parents are supposed to protect you, and instead, they hurt you. I’m so sorry that happened. The perseverance it took to survive that is absolutely amazing. Your strength and bravery is incalculable. You are right – you are strong and you have so much to live for. Keep fighting. <3

    Thank you for entrusting your story with us. I'm so glad you felt safe enough to share your story here. If you need anything else, like assistance getting into support groups or therapy sessions, we have lots of resources on our website under the "Find Help" tab and we are always here for you, as well. We believe you. Remember to stay strong and keep fighting. <3
    -Jess

  17. kelly Day Captain

    Hi, Hhobby23. Thank you for trusting us with your story. I am so sorry your father did that to you. You did not deserve any of it and your parents should have protected you instead of hurting you. It’s incredible that you survived. You are absolutely right, you are strong and there is so much more to live for. Your story is inspiring and I’m sure it has the power to help other survivors who read it. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do. You are not alone. We are here for you.

  18. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    I am so so sorry you had to go through all of this. You are incredibly strong for surviving through it and living! You are right, God has plans for you. I want to tell you that you are more than what happened to you. You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are inspiring! Thank you for sharing your story with us and trusting us. Please know you can always come here and share with us. We are here to help you and support you. We believe you. Your feelings and emotions are valid. You can get through this! Stay strong!!

    Sending love,
    Natalie

  19. Hhobby23

    Thank you all for the amazing support. I think my story is important to share as I did not let it control my life (other than trust issues ) , I want others to know that we can prevail and be strong and take control. I do have some issues and honestly the only thing I wish for is a strong trusting group of friends who I can go to , who I can talk to, who can understand me and I will give back the same. This problem is it is not here where I work , not here where I work out and not within my family. I have never told much details about my past as there is more I remember and if I see someone being abuse I get major flash backs and so sick to my stomach. Which is why others need to know we are for them too, right. Finding this group was certainly a blessing ????❤️.

  20. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Hhobby23,

    I just commented on your last post because I didn’t realize you had posted again!

    Anyways, thanks for opening up and sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry for what your father, his ex-girlfriend, and your mother did to you. I hope you know that none of it is your fault, and that you don’t have to forgive anyone for treating you badly. Whatever will help you heal is what you need to do, at least right now. Are you safe right now? Do you still live with your mother?

    I understand that it’s scary posting this after your dad threatened your life, but I am so proud of you for sharing your story. That takes a lot of strength and courage. You’re right, you have so much to live for! As for not really having friends, you have all of us. It’s normal to build up walls after being hurt by so many people. There are good people out there though, and you will find them some day. Please don’t hesitate to come back, even if it’s just to vent, update or chat. We are here to help you, however we can.

    Stay strong. You’ve got this.
    Marissa

  21. Juliana331 Volunteer

    I’m glad God had other plans for you. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it took a lot to post it online and understand the fear of doing so. You are not alone. I am so sorry he did these things to you and didn’t protect you as he should have. Have you considered talking to a counselor? There are even counselors available through online sources if you are uncomfortable face to face in the beginning. We are here to support you. Come back anytime to share, vent or ask for information.

  22. Deanna Volunteer

    Hi. I’m so glad that you’ve decided that life isn’t over for you. What you survived wasn’t your fault and I’m so glad that you found this community. There are plenty of other survivors here and we do understand. Thank you for sharing your story. Trust issues are totally normal, have you thought about talking to someone to help? You’re worthy of friends and love, it’s totally understandable to have walls up. I hope it gets better, does opening up help?

    Deanna

  23. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, I am so sorry that this happened to you. Thank you so much for trusting us with your story. It takes a great deal of courage and bravery to share you story, and I am proud of you for doing so. You are so strong and brave. Have you considered speaking with a therapist or counselor? It is a great way to find healthy coping mechanisms. Your strength is inspiring. Please never hesitate to let us know if you need anything!

  24. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I am so sorry for everything that happened to you. You didn’t deserve any of this, and this wasn’t your fault. Thank you for sharing your story with us-I know how difficult that can be. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist, or joining a support group? You can check our “Find Help” tab to find more information there. We are here for you.

    Erin

  25. Solongago Volunteer

    Yes! Yes, God is good and He has plans for you that are also very good. Don’t worry about forgiving. While it can be very beneficial to you, when and if you are ready, it will come. Right now, you are doing an excellent pre-requisite to forgiveness, which is laying it all out and knowing what happened, who did what, why it was so wrong, how it affected your life. It may be that your dad will be dead before you are ready to forgive, and that is fine too.

    It takes an amazing amount of courage to speak out, to tell, when such a strong admonition was given at such a young age, by someone who should have been a strong protector of you, but instead used his power and strength to damage women and children. I am sorry that happened. But you are right that you are strong and courageous. You survived. And I think you are going to be a huge blessing in the lives of people around you.

  26. daisychains8891

    I’m so so proud of you for reaching out to us. This is a complete safe place free from judgement. Im so sorry your father put you through all of that, you didn’t deserve a single thing that happened to you. And you’re absolutely right, God has other plans for you. Telling us your story took a lot i’m sure, but you’re so strong and brave for doing so. I, and everyone else, am here to talk to you as you need it. I really hope you keep reaching out to us.
    All my love and support,
    Leah