How I got over my hatred of Therapy

How I got over my hatred of Therapy

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I have posted a short overview of my story on here previously, but for the sake of clarity, I will quickly go over it again because it ties into my journey to therapy. 

When I was 12, I was raped by an older man at a party. At that point in my life, I was a virgin, so it is easy to imagine how my perception of self-esteem and validation was quickly skewed. I was too ashamed and honestly fearful of the man to tell anyone, so I attempted to avoid working through my trauma by using drugs and alcohol. 

Of course, my parents noticed that I was spiraling out of control. They had no idea what was going on, or why, so they decided to send me to therapy. I was extremely reluctant, so I didn’t give therapy a fighting chance. I did not want to confide in anyone about the rape or my drug abuse because I thought that my way was working. I truly believed that if everyone left me alone, drugs would continue to work for me as a solution. By the age of 16, I had cycled through about 10 different therapists who each gave me a different diagnosis and promptly sent me to a psychiatrist. One month I was bipolar, the next I had explosive disorder, and then I was just depressed. I tried almost every single mood stabilizer or SSRI, but would not become honest in therapy. 

Until the day that I realized drugs weren’t working anymore. My solution was suddenly a problem that I couldn’t solve. I got introduced to some dangerous people who were living risky lives, so of course, I followed suit because of my need for validation. After some time, I began to seek out other unhealthy habits that I could numb my feelings with. I began to self-prostitute on varying “dating-apps”, which led me to reach such an emotional low that I was ready to admit I needed help. 

Once I reached out for help, I was sent to a dual-diagnosis treatment center that could treat me for my unresolved trauma and addictive behavior. I found that once you’re honest about the issues that are affecting you, they begin to have less power over you. Once I started talking about my trauma to other people in group therapy and even individual therapy, they would open up to me about similar experiences. My resentment towards therapy was lifted. 

I think this website is a perfect example of the first steps someone needs to take in order to recover from trauma. Through this site, I see so many people find the validation they need to realize that their trauma was real, is not their fault, and that they are not alone. It allows people to become comfortable in seeking out help and advice after something traumatic, which is so important. I urge anyone who has suffered trauma to reach out for help and seek therapy in whatever form you are comfortable with. Therapy absolutely saved my life. 

Some resources that may be helpful: 

National sexual assault hotline 1-800-656-4673  (24-hour service)

Dual diagnosis treatment (if you suffer from addiction and trauma)

Types of sexual assault (for those who are unsure if they were assaulted)


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30 comments

  1. Jordan Volunteer

    Dear kaileymarie1,

    It is great to hear from you again, I truly hope you are doing well <3 I am happy to hear that in time, you were able to find a therapist and therapy that worked the best for you. A lot of it can be trial and error, but like you said, once we are able to come to terms with the things that happened to us, it can make our healing journey a much smoother path. I think it is great that you mentioned some helpful resources for other survivors that may come across your story. You never know what might help someone. Thank you for trusting AVFTI, we will always be an extension of your support system whenever you need it <3 Sending lots of hugs your way.

    – Jordan

  2. Jevati Volunteer

    Hi kaileymarie1,

    It’s so wonderful to read your story and hear how therapy has changed your life. What you said about having difficulty being open in therapy is so true, and something I think many of us can feel. When we go through abuse, particularly sexual abuse, we can feel like we are rotten at our core, and we’re often not ready or willing to be open in therapy because we don’t want the therapist to see/know that dirtiness we feel.

    It’s a huge accomplishment that you were able to talk about your trauma and find the strength to be open with what you went through, and I’m really happy that it has led to such healing for you. Thank you for sharing the resources here; they’re all incredibly helpful. And thank you, too, for pointing out the crucial role that validation can play in sharing our stories and taking steps toward healing. It’s so powerful to just have someone say, “Hey, I believe you. What you went through was awful, and it’s not your fault. We’re here for you.”

    Thank you for reminding me how powerful that is.

    – Jev

  3. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi kaileymarie1,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You didn’t deserve any of this. I’m glad you were able to work through your dislike for therapy and get the help you needed. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  4. Shannon Volunteer

    Hi kaileymarie1,

    I am so sorry for what you have been through, but it is wonderful to hear that you got the help and support you deserved. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Shannon

  5. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi kaileymarie1,
    I’m so sorry this happened to you. You are so strong and brave for telling your story. I’m happy that you got the help you needed. It sounds like you have a great support system and a family that cares very much about you. If there is anything you need help with please let us know. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  6. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us again, and for updating us on your journey. The resources you provided are great ones, and it’s good to hear that things are going well for you. Always remember that we are here for you and support you. Stay strong.

    Carmen

  7. Kayla Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing your story, your journey and resources with us. I’m glad you agree with AVFTI’s mission of validating survivors, it’s so important to healing for many. You are very brave and resilient.

  8. dzreid Volunteer

    I’m so glad you reached out & found this site! Thanks for sharing those resources. It sounds like you were able to find some support through the group’s. I’m sorry that you went through what you have. AVFTI is a very helpful resource. I’m glad you feel the support is real. Continue working on you. Recovery is a slow process but in time wounds do heal. Take baby steps in your journey. The road may seem long but so worth it. I believe in you. Take care!
    Dawn

  9. Knina7 Volunteer

    Hey Kaileymarie1,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, you are truly inspiring! What happened to you was in no way your fault, I am so glad you were eventually able to seek help. I am so glad that therapy has helped you and that you are here to tell your story, thank you for providing resources that will help others. Thank you again for sharing your story, please feel free to keep us updated we are always here for you!

    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  10. sam Volunteer

    Hi Kaileymarie1,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! Therapy can be a really hard step to take for a lot of trauma survivors, and I think your story could really inspire those who are reluctant to seek help. I’m so glad you went to therapy so that you could still be with us today, and I think the resources you provided will help others do the same.

  11. musicislove

    Hi Kaileymarie1,

    Thank you so much for sharing with us! Your story is very inspirational and I’m so glad to hear how therapy saved your life. It can be such a game changer and I’m so glad it helped you. I’m sorry to hear about what you went through when you were younger, no one should ever have to deal with that trauma, but I’m so glad you found somewhere where you could work through your trauma while recovering from addiction. Both are so hard to do and you did it! That takes so much strength. Thank you for sharing those resources that can be very helpful. We’re always here for you and thank you for trusting us!

    Delaney

  12. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I’m sorry you went through all of that. You obviously had some very hard times in your life that you have brought to the table for others to hear and lift their resentment to treatment like you did. I appreciate your post on so many levels and I’m grateful that you decided to share. You have brought the light of which therapy can bring when you give it a chance and put in your effort for it. I’m glad all of this has paid off for you and continues to pay off for you.

    Thank you for sharing and highlighting some lovely resources.

  13. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you so much for coming here and sharing your story with us! You are truly an inspiration! I am so sorry that you went through all that you did at such a young age. You did not deserve that. I am so glad that you were able to open up about your experiences and get the help you needed. Sometimes it can take us some time to be ready to talk about trauma and that is okay! You are so strong!! Thank you again for trusting us and sharing your story with us. Thank you for inspiring others on this site. And thank you for posting some resources for our community!! <3

    We will always be on your side!

    Sending lots of love and endless support,
    -Natalie

  14. Lizzi

    Hey kaileymarie1,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story and recovery with us. i’m so sorry for what happened to you when you were 12, and the struggles that resulted from trying to heal from that trauma. You’re right that until you open up about what’s happened, no amount of medication or therapy will help. It’s so incredibly hard to open up sometimes, but I don’t know anyone that has successfully buried their traumas and healed from it. I’m glad that you were able to find treatment that helped you, and that you’re able to share this inspiring story with others today. And thank you for sharing those resources! I’m sure they will help someone reading this.

  15. Ashley Day Captain

    Welcome back!

    Although you were reluctant to confide in the first therapist you had, it’s comforting to know that your parents responded well by connecting you with a mental health professional. I agree that being honest about the problems we’re experiencing can influence those problems to have less power and it’s great to hear that you began to feel comfortable with the idea of therapy. I’m glad you believe our website is a great resource that provides solidarity and validation, kaileymarie1 🙂 If you need anything, please know we’re here.

    Ashley

  16. Megan Volunteer

    Hey kaileymarie1,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I am so proud of you for making it through all of this. I am really glad that you found that help that you needed. Thank you for being a voice of encouragement for everyone here and sharing those resources. It really is helpful.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Megan

  17. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi KaileyMarie1,

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so glad to hear that you’ve been able to get the help you deserve and overcome your trauma. Therapy can be a scary process, but I’m glad that you found a program that worked for you. We’re always here for you should you need or want to continue sharing with us. You’re such an inspiration.

    All the best,
    Becca

  18. tayestlack Volunteer

    Hello love, thank you for sharing your inspiring journey with us. I am at a loss for words at how strong you are to pull yourself out of the situation. I believe therapy can help anyone, but as you said only if they’re willing to listen and receive the insight. Please return to us if you’re ever in need of anything, we’re all here for you, and you’re so strong to have shared your story with us. I hope you have a lovely day

  19. mikaylaanne11 Volunteer

    Hi there, kaileymarie1,

    Your journey is one that I’ve seen in some of my friends, and it’s always uplifting to hear that there is a light at the end of that dark tunnel. I’m a huge therapy advocate, but like you said, it only works if you’re willing to be receptive. You have overcome so much in your life, and it makes me so happy to see you reaching out with resources for others who have been through similar experiences.

    You are incredibly strong, and we’re glad you’ve shared your story with us! Sending good vibes your way.

  20. zelda Volunteer

    Your story is very inspiring. Because of a couple childhood traumas, I developed a drug addiction too. After the rapes, kidnapping, and physical assaults, my drug addiction spiraled. I was a heroin addict who would do anything for a fix. I’m in therapy now and I haven’t talked about my trauma yet. She knows about it but we haven’t discussed it in any detail. Thank you for your story. Like I said before, it was really inspiring. And if there’s anything I can do for you, please let me know. I’m here for you.

  21. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Kaleymarie1,

    It’s good to hear from you and I’m glad you’ve had so much progress! You’ve been through so much but you’ve come so far. You’ve shared some great resources. It’s encouraging to see how empowering this type of community can be. Stay strong and please let us know how else we can help.

    Thomas

  22. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hi kileymarie1,

    Thank you so much for sharing and updating us. I am sorry for the trauma you experienced, However, I am happy to hear how therapy has helped you and can help others. Please keep us updated and thanks for sharing the websites.
    -Marie

  23. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi kaileymarie1,
    Thank you for sharing more of your journey. It makes sense that you were scared to tell people about what happened, and I’m really sorry about what you’ve been through. That being said, I’m so glad you reached out for help and that you were honest about what was affecting you. It’s incredible that you could talk to people about what you’ve been through. Thank you for providing these resources for us – they are definitely helpful. It sounds like you’re doing wonderful, and I’m so happy for you! We’re here for you if you ever need anything, and continue to stay strong!

  24. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear kaileymarie1,
    Thank you for coming back to share more of your story with us and for the wonderful resources! It is wonderful to hear that this community is helpful. It is so important to have a safe space to begin by being able to reach out and receive validation and empathy. It sounds like you are strong and resilient. Thank you for being willing to allow others to learn from sharing your experiences.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  25. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hey kaileymarie1,

    Thanks for coming back to share with us. I am so glad to hear that you no longer resent therapy. It is unfortunate sometimes, but it really is all about finding the right therapist for you, and I’m so glad you sought and found help. It takes incredible courage to come out of an emotional low and to open up about trauma, so I hope you are proud of yourself! You have come so far. Thank you for sharing these incredible resources!

    Sending you love and support on your healing journey,
    Bre

  26. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us, and for sharing all of these resources! These are really important, and we are glad you are here. Let us know how else we can support you-thanks for being here.

    Erin

  27. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with us! Keep on being an inspiration to others; you are amazing <3

  28. Solongago

    Thank you for sharing. Until you are ready to do therapy, I don’t think it works for many people. That is why so many people go into treatment for drugs and come out only to get back into it. The dual diagnosis is good because it helps you with the reason for the addiction and not just the addiction and how that is affecting your life. I think society isn’t really good at dealing with the problems behind the symptoms.

    I think this site also give some of us permission to seek help for what happened, to be in therapy for however long it takes. To try different types of therapy, and to give the therapist the heave-ho if she isn’t helping us. Whether we are ready to do all that is another story.

  29. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey kaileymarie1,

    Thanks for posting more about your experiences. I am so glad that you were able to get over your hatred of therapy. I agree – it’s very daunting and seems a bit threatening. To be honest, I still need to get over my aversion to therapy, and your post has helped me take a few steps in the right direction. Your mindset is absolutely amazing and I am so glad you were able to get the help you needed. Please let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. You’re so incredibly strong! Keep it up!!

    Marissa

    1. kaileymarie1

      Marissa,

      I’m so glad that my post is helping you, my whole purpose in sharing my story is to help others either by allowing them to identify or by providing advice.