Holidays Suck

Hi. 

I never posted here before but I was raped by someone I trusted and loved- my ex boyfriend almost 9 years ago now. However, I suppressed the memory until this last year. I am starting to do okay and feel okay. I spend a lot of time doing things that show I love myself and I understand that it was not my fault. I’m studying to become a reiki practitioner and meditate almost everyday. I work so hard to keep my anger in control. My ex boyfriend was sexually abused by a caregiver as a child and I’ve very much done everything I can to forgive him and the hurt he’s caused to me. 

However, I am so tired of reading about how people are so “offended” that people requested to not hear “Baby it’s cold outside” and being called a snowflake..etc etc. I get it- society doesn’t care about survivors and only a rare few do.  I just feel like every time I come out of it someone else on social media ruins it for me. I don’t want other people to control my happiness anymore. I’m so tired of being brought to tears by anger and hurt that survivors don’t matter to most of society- that their personal egos are more important than our right to heal. 

I’ll see my therapist later and discuss with her but like so sick of how people are terrible. I’m so tired of being angry about it. 


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17 comments

  1. Mary Volunteer

    Hi cindy32009,

    Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry for what you went through. It sounds like you are taking great care of yourself with reiki, meditation, and therapy. Social media is filled with triggers, and it can be difficult for survivors to see the things that people are posting everyday. Not wanting to be reminded of trauma is in no way a character flaw. Sometimes a social media break can be helpful when certain trends start to show up in your feed. I’m glad that you found us. We are a community of nothing but support.

    Mary

  2. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,
    I am sorry that you were taken advantage of by someone that you love and trusted. That is not okay, and you did not deserve that. I think it is great that you have done everything you can to forgive him, that is certainly not an easy thing to do. I also understand that it can be difficult reading about how people think about sexual abuse in our society. It is not fair, I agree with you. And no one is ever able to control your happiness. I am very glad that you found our website and shared your thoughts and feelings with us because we think that survivors DO matter. Your right to heal is important to us and we are here for you. So in the midst of all of the craziness that the holidays bring, know that AVFTI is here for you!
    Stay strong!
    -Natalie

  3. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    i am so sorry this happened to you and you ex is a monster. no person should go through what happened to you. just know they are people out their who validate your feelings and understand where you come from. I can understand your frustration and just know we are here for you.

  4. Gamato04 Volunteer

    I’m sorry your ex did that to you. However, it is wonderful to hear that you have made a life for yourself outside of being a survivor. It’s great showing you love yourself and is incredibly important. Your feelings are valid, sometimes it really does feel like only a few people care but here you have a bunch of people who do. We all want to see you be happy

  5. Solongago

    I am sorry your ex boy friend did that to you. I can understand your anger and frustration. You do not deserve that, and I am glad that you are at a place where you are feeling love for yourself. That is awesome. I’m jealous.

    I am kind of on the other side when it comes to that song and Dr. Ford. I never heard of that song, until the controversy came out, and I went and played it on u-tube and read the lyrics, and I just didn’t see the problem with it at all. Yes, it was written in a different time, and I think may be we can read into it stuff that may not have been there, especially if it seems close to what happened to us. People who know you shouldn’t be calling you names about your opinion on these topics though. And yes, social media is really not such a wonderful thing in a lot of ways, one being that folks feel free to be jerks about a lot of things .

  6. Zoe Volunteer

    Hi, cindy32009.

    I’m so sorry for what happened to you. I’m glad you’ve been able to start working through it, and that you feel that you’re making progress. But I definitely understand your frustration with social media, and our society being totally insensitive or uncaring toward people who have been sexually assaulted. I’m sorry that you have to deal with that so frequently.

    I’ve seen the posts about that Christmas song you’re referring to, and how it’s now causing controversy. I think that, regardless of its original meaning, you’re right. People should be more sensitive about how it’s being interpreted because we live in a different era. Interpretations change, and I don’t think victims or survivors should be made to feel shame or like a “snowflake” if they have a certain reaction to a song like that. I know that, espesically after everything that happened nationally with Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, I’ve had to drastically reduce the amount of time I’ve been on social media. I also unfollowed a lot of people, and unliked a lot of pages. So definitely do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your feelings, if you’re going to be on social media frequently. And maybe try taking breaks sometimes, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

    I’m sorry that this is the society we live in, and that it’s not more caring or understanding of people who have been affected by sexual violence. You have every right to be angry. And I’m there with ya. That’s why we’re working to create a better society, one that actually listens to and cares about victims/ survivors. It’s going to take quite awhile, though. In the meantime, just know that we’re here for you. Please feel free to reach out whenever you want.

    Zoe.

  7. music2799 Volunteer

    Hi cindy32009,
    I’m so sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you’re making progress in your life, and I am so glad to hear that. Keep doing the things that will help you heal. You can do this.
    I understand how you feel about people’s responses. It’s extremely exhausting and infuriating. Usually when that happens, I take a break from social media because it can be so difficult to read those responses. I also try to be around supportive people because that can help a lot.
    Thank you for sharing how you feel with us. We’re here for you if you need anything (support, resources, etc.), so please feel free to write back. You’ve got this!

  8. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, cindy32009. I think it’s awesome that you are becoming a reiki practitioner and meditating! I haven’t meditated in a while, but you inspire me to start again 🙂

    I agree with you. Some of the things people get upset by and take stances on social media are frustrating. You’d think it wouldn’t be that big of a deal to omit a song or use a trigger warning, etc! I’m glad you’re doing what you can to take care of yourself, like seeing your therapist. Spend time with people who do get it when you can (support groups have been incredibly helpful to me in this area). I come to this site or others that are supportive of survivors and take a break from social media when I need it. There are people out there who get it, but they’re not always as loud as the ones who don’t. Thanks for sharing. We’re here for you and we’re on your side.

  9. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Cindy,

    I am so sorry you went through the abuse. You are powerful to recover like you have. I want to assure you, if it provides you any peace of mind, that more and more people are understanding of people that are sexually abused. Each generation is more progressive and legislation is often passed, even if it doesn’t seem like it, to support the abuser. I hope you are at ease knowing things are improving. Social media may make it seem like it’s not, but trust me it is. Keep hanging in there. We are always here to support you and we are so thankful you shared with us your story.

    Ryan

    1. Ryan4121 Volunteer

      Just to clarify, I meant to say “person who is abused” not “abuser”

  10. blashea

    Hi, I am so sorry that this happened to you and that you are feeling this way. Your feelings are valid. Sometimes its hard for people to understand things that they’ve never had to experience. Just know that they are speaking from a place of misunderstanding. You have every right to feel the way that you do and no one has a right to tell you how you should heal. We are all here for you and support you. I hope that things get better for you. Please let us know if there is anything that we can do for you.

  11. Jade Volunteer

    Thank you for you having the courage to share your story. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You didn’t deserve any of it. I want you to know that you matter, your feelings matter, and I believe in you. It takes a strong individual to continue to push forward and an even stronger one to forgive. The strength you have is inspiring. I encourage you to keep on fighting, you got this!

  12. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry that this happened to you. I totally understand being frustrated with how society views survivors. It’s incredibly disheartening to see and can be incredibly painful. I encourage you to keep advocating when you can, as long as you’re comfortable. That’s the easiest way for me, personally, to rein in some of my frustrations. I’m sorry to hear that these things are making it difficult for you to heal. If you need to, take a step away from social media for a while. Those who care will understand. I’m glad to hear that you’re practicing self-care. It’s incredibly difficult sometimes to realize how important that is! It’s also great to hear that you have a therapist, as well.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us! Please continue discussing these things – it’s so amazing that you’re advocating for yourself and your healing. If you need to vent, talk, or just share anything, we are always here and we will support you in this journey. Let us know if there is anything else that we can do for you.

    Sending healing thoughts your way,
    -Jess

  13. SAF Volunteer

    Hi cindy32009,
    Thank you for sharing with us. I’m so sorry that happened to you. People don’t always understand and society is set up against us. Surrounding yourself with people who support you and are aware and understanding of your triggers can help. Social media is not the best platform for this, but blocking these accounts outright might help. I’m glad that you’re seeing someone and working towards healing. Remember, we are always here to listen and to help support you in whatever way we can.
    Stay Strong,
    Stella

  14. nicolegorman Volunteer

    cindy32009,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what happened to you and that all the trauma and pain has come up. It’s awful when outside factors get in the way of your recovery and the holidays can be a stressful time for everybody. It’s good that you’re focusing on yourself and your goals. As far as most of society thinking survivors don’t matter, I want you to know that as long as you want to confide to this community we will always be here to listen to you and believe you because you do matter. What happened to you was awful and you don’t deserve to feel like you’re less than anyone else because of it.

  15. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I so understand what you mean, and I feel the exact same way. After Dr. Ford came forward with her story and testified to Congress, I had to delete many people from Facebook, and blew up at a few close people in my life, because I just can’t take how our society treats survivors anymore (not that I ever really did, but her story was the last straw for me). I’m here for you and I stand with you. This site and organization are here for you, and you can always come here when you want to vent about this, in conjunction with your therapist. I’m sorry for what your ex boyfriend did to you, and you didn’t deserve that and it wasn’t your fault. Let us know if there is anything else we can do for you-we are here for you.

    Erin

  16. jamie.lynn Volunteer

    cindy32009,
    Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here! We so appreciate you and your story. I can relate to your frustrations with others who don’t seem to understand how “tiny things” like a Christmas song can be a trigger for so many. I am glad to hear that you are practicing self love- that’s amazing!! Thank you for being you & being willing to share your story!

    -jamie