Hi, it’s me again. Another weekly session.

270 65

I do have an appt. with my doc on Monday for antidepressants.  So hopefully, we can get that going.  My therapist is in favor of this.  I figure I probably have a genetic predisposition for depression as my mom has suffered all her life with it; and then there is my history; and then there is being raised by someone fighting with depression, which is not exactly the same as it being in the genes; and then there is the current atmosphere with covid, masks, etc.; and then there are the health concerns which have depression as a possible component — thyroid, diabetes, etc.  So, I doubt I will have any trouble getting anti-depressants.  My concern is getting something that will not interact with all the meds and will work.  So I have to make a list of all the stuff they have tried in the past and avoid some of that. 

I did talk to Angela and I feel a lot better.  She talked about how what others think of us and how we ourselves think of us matters little, because it is all errant.  She said it a lot better though.  She did say that she liked me and that was a great relief.  But she also said that it does not seem to last for me.  She said I should ask myself why it matters whenever I start worrying about it.  We talked a lot about why it matters to me.  But I did feel a lot better.  She does a nice job of not making me feel like an idiot.  She wants for me to discuss intrusive thoughts, and such, but thinks that what we need to work on now are secondary effects of what happened.  She said that better than I am right now too. 

I have had a couple of bad nights at work.  I started thinking that my brother might show up this weekend for the holiday, and then started to flash back.  I had to get up and walk around.  I talked to my mom at lunch and she tells me that it is my little brother’s partner’s birthday.  I have 3 brothers and 2 sisters and 5 nieces and a nephew, and I haven’t followed the birthdays of my siblings partners.  Ok, I went to my little brother’s last partner’s 30th, but he was dying.  And that was a lot of years ago.  Anything to make a holiday more crazy that it already is.  The next evening I got into thinking about Chuck — a dirty old man that lived on the next street with his brother and sister, and we spent a lot of time there playing games and stuff after school, but he was a jerk.  And I flashed back at some of the stuff he did to me.  There is just so much of it from all over.  If I am not pissed at these jerks than I am pissed that my parents allowed me so little in the way of protection, leaving me with jerks.  I am just a broken record.  But I remember things, Mom tells me things I don’t remember.   She tells me that once when she left me at my grandmother’s, I called and begged her to come home.  I have no memory of this at all.  None.  But it is like a piece that falls into place with things I have remembered.  And my sister and I used to both go, then my sister stopped coming.  I wonder why. 

I am reading another book, big surprise.  This one is something like, “from broken to beautifully whole” something to do with a Japanese art of repairing broken pottery.  It is by Susan Scuder (not exactly sure on the spelling).  She is a survivor of my age from Ohio.  And the beginning of the book was really good, resonated with me.  But her story is a little different.  It was her step father and it went on for years, but when her mother found out, she hit the roof, and told him to hit the road, which is something that so many survivors have to do without.  So she can talk about a positive outlook/not focusing on the negative, and her persistence, and so on, but it is so different in so many ways.  Of course I can choose the positive, and I can think of the glass half-full and gratitude and all that.  But I spend enough energy blaming myself for not being further along.  And I don’t know. 

There is more about having this adversity making us into stronger individuals, and I am not willing to entertain that thought at all.  There are wackos out there who want to make pedophilia just another sexual preference.  There are college professors who are suggesting that this crap does not damage children.  Suggesting even some backward way that it can be beneficial — no way.  And, just like what Angela said in the beginning, how we or others perceive us, the same is true of how much strength we have and whether it was increased or decreased depending on what we have dealt with.   

And then there is the bit where the mother threw the jerk out.  See, that doesn’t necessarily happen when the survivor and the perpetrator(s) have the same parents.   


Join the Conversation

65 comments

  1. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi sue!
    That book sounds really interesting. There is a Japanese practice called “kinsugi” It’s where you take a piece of pottery, & break it then repair it by gluing it together. I had the privilege of doing this at a retreat I attended. It was very healing & a powerful experience. Just to be able to see this as a reminder of how broken we are after a trauma such as sexual abuse/assault, & how in time we can become something beautiful again is so beneficial & powerful. I hope you can finish the book & if you ever get the chance to “break pottery” do it!
    I am glad to hear you say that you now view things from the positive prospective, & see the glass half full & the gratitude you have found! to me, this is a reminder of how far you really have come! Keeping on keeping on for you! Never stop or give up. Winston Churchill once said “never, never, never give up.”
    Dawn

  2. Araceli1090 Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,

    I am glad to hear that you are getting anti-depressants. I wish you the best of luck!

    Im glad that talking to Angela has cleared the doubts you’ve had.
    Healing takes time and I’ve seen you getting stronger ! never forget that we are here for you!
    best of luck.

  3. Tokyo_Kaneki Volunteer

    Hello again Solongago, I am happy to hear that your appointment went slightly better then it did last time. I hope that it continues to go well and that Angela continues to be helpful for you.I am glad that you understand your body and are making a list of things that had worked for you and other things that didn’t, I think that will be extremely helpful for the doctor. Please remember that you did not deserve any of the horrible things you went through. You are truly such a strong person to be able to continue pushing on with life. I am so proud of you and I am continuing to send you lots of love, strength and support.
    – J

  4. haesol Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    Thanks for the update! I hope the appointment went well. I know things are tough right now and it’s great that you’re acknowledging that so you can work on it. I wish you the best!

    Stay safe.

  5. colton95 Volunteer

    Thank you for the update. I know things can be tough but I’m really glad that you’re continuing to persevere and staying strong. I hope that things will get better for you and will continue to go well with Angela.

  6. sarahsays Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for the update and for sharing with us. Your post here was very strong and I feel honored to read you processing and working through these very difficult situations. You are a survivor, there is no doubt about it. I am so sorry for the things that you have been through, you didn’t deserve any of this. But you are so strong for fighting and pressing on, and it’s ok if that fight changes day to day. Healing isn’t linear. Please take care.

  7. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I’m glad to hear that you talked with Angela and that it brought you some peace of mind. Healing and progress is different for everyone. There’s not a set timeline for it. Heal at your own pace, and we will be here for you will you do.

    Carmen

  8. Stark21 Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,
    Thank you for keeping us updated! It’s really good to hear that you talked to your therapist and found clarity about your feelings. It’s great to hear that she is helping you and further exploring why you feel this way. I’m happy that you were able to make your appointment, hopefully they find the right medication that works for you and your other medications. Also it’s totally understandable how holidays and talking about the past with your mom can trigger flashbacks and thoughts. We are always here for you and ready to listen. Sending strength and positive vibes your way.
    -R

  9. iap66325 Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,

    Thank you for sharing your update with us! I am sorry to hear that you were getting flashbacks because of an oncoming family gathering. I completely understand why you feel like this and why it raises these feelings in you especially with the effects of these memories coming back. But it is okay to feel that way, you have the right to there is nothing wrong with the effects it leads you to go through when you come in contact with triggering situations. All I hope is that you getting the chance to receive your antidepressants is for the better to help while you still continue to strive to build yourself back up in the process than relying on something else. In the long run it is for you and your well being. For instance, like the book you’re reading it is one of many things to help you see how it can occur in a multitude of ways and everyone has similar but different experiences and perspectives. Including, how all in each one’s own times and with their own effort it can get better. Continue talking with your therapist, each step you keep taking is another closer and closer to your goal do not forget that. Also always remember to keep fighting! I always believe in you and you have my utter and complete support on this journey, can’t wait to hear from you soon! I send my love and strength to you!

  10. KevionS. Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    First, I would like to say thank you for your update, I’m very happy to hear that you’re doing well. Seems like things are working out with you and your therapist, and I definitely understand that the whole situation with COVID has been frustrating for many of us. I look forward to hearing another update from you and your journey. Please don’t forget that we are always here for you!
    Sending you lots of positivity!
    Best,
    Kevion S.

  11. Ana Espiritu Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,

    Thank you for giving us another update. I am glad to hear that you got the chance to get your appointment and that antidepressant medication will be provided to you. I hope that this will be the change you need and having to blame yourself will end with how your been feeling. I’m glad that the conversation that you been having with Angela has been helping you. Continue with the session and hope you find all the solutions you need from getting out of the depression you go through. Always know that you are important to us and we are here if you have anything else to open us to us.

    Sending you Support & Love,
    Ana

  12. silverliningsunshine Volunteer

    Hi solangago,

    Thank you for the update! I’m glad to hear your therapy session was successful, and I hope your appointment went well and that the antidepressants work. The therapy session sounds like it went well, and I hope that you can have many more sessions like it! Please keep us updated and let us know if there is anything you need 🙂

  13. Angela Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    Thank you for updating us. Good luck at the doctor and I hope the antidepressants work out for you! I am happy to hear that you talked with Angela it sounds like it was a very helpful session, I hope you have a lot more days like this. Take care and keep pushing forward!

  14. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    Thank you for the update. It sounds like your therapy session was very helpful. As humans, we can’t help but not wonder what others think of us. Some of us really dwell on the opinions of others. I’m glad that your therapist could help you work through this and make you feel positive about yourself. It sounds like you guys have a great relationship and that you just click.

    I think reading other survivors’ story definitely helps put things into perspective. But, all stories look a little different, so it’s not necessarily the case that one person’s story will resonate with you. People come from different backgrounds and circumstances, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you aren’t where this individual was at a certain point in life. I am glad though that you did enjoy part of the book and that some of it resonated with you. Maybe it’s helpful to talk with your therapist about why the beginning part resonated with you specifically?

    I’m hopeful that the anti-depressants can help you with your journey. Keep us updated.

    Hope you have a great week!

  15. brookeallnutt Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    Thanks for the update. I hope your doctor’s appointment went well! I’m so glad to hear that you had a good session with Angela- it sounds like you had some great discussions! And good for you for reading :). Like others have said, your experiences are different from the author’s, and it is totally understandable that you are at a different place in your healing journey. It’s great that you are thinking critically about the situation. Hopefully you are able to find some books or other stories that resonate more with you! I look forward to hearing from you again, and have a great week!

  16. lizzi

    Hi Sue,
    I’m happy to hear that you’re going to be starting on antidepressants. I know it’s something you’ve thought about for a while to see if it’ll help, and I truly hope that it brings you relief. It sounds like you had a good talk with Angela, and that she told you she does like you. Sorry to hear that you had a few bad nights, and I hope that things have gotten better since then. The book you mentioned sounds really interesting and empowering. Remember that everyone’s story and journey is different, so don’t worry about not being further along. I think you do a good job of finding the positives when there is a positive to be found, and that may come easier in time. But you are where you are in your healing process and that’s perfectly fine.

  17. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    Great to see another update from you. I hope you are doing well. It seems like you are taking important steps to improve your life. It takes a lot of bravery to do this! I’m also glad that you had a good visit with Angela this week. You are doing great work in your healing process and I hope that you have a great week ahead!

  18. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Sue,
    It’s good to hear from you again. I’m happy that things with Angela went well. Good luck at the doctors for the anti depressants. It sounds like you had a good week. Thank you for sharing this with us.
    -Alyssa

  19. tania Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,

    Thanks for keeping us updated!! I am so glad you talked to Angela and that benefitting you. I am proud of all the little and big accomplishments you have made! I look forward to hearing from you again.

  20. lilyk Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,

    It’s good to hear from you again. I’m glad to hear that things are going well with Angela, and I hope your appointment goes well. Sending you strength and hope to hear from you soon!

  21. jyoung Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,

    Thanks for the update! It’s great to hear from you again. I’m so glad that you were able to talk with Angela and are now feeling better. I’m proud of you for continuing to push yourself. I hope your doctor’s appointment went well; I’m hopeful that it will all work out. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

    Sending love and support,
    Jasmine

  22. Caitlin Volunteer

    Hello there,

    Thanks for sharing. I think its so great you are talking to Angela about these things! Oh course she likes you, but she does bring up a good point about working toward the goal of it not mattering.

    I love how much you read! It’s so great to have that outlet to learn and grow from also!

    Take care!

    -Caitlin

  23. chompyapple1 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you so much for updating us again. I wish you luck with your appointment Reading can be a great way to cope with many feelings and lets you have some relaxation and enjoyment. Continue to do things that make you feel good and is beneficial to your well-being. Take care and stay strong!

  24. Zithlaly.cruz Volunteer

    Hi Solongago

    I hope your appointment went well on Monday. I am proud of you for pushing yourself to do better each day. Remember that the process of healing is different for everyone and like you mentioned, the healing process isn’t always flawless. There are days where it can be difficult, and that is fully understandable. I am glad to see that reading is helping you cope. Stay safe and I look forward to hear from you again.

  25. VolunteerNem Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    Thanks for the update. I hope that appointment went well! It sounds like the sessions with Angela are going good. Also I like that you are reading, it is a great way to keep your mind of things in the moment. Keep us updated again and stay safe.

  26. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    Thank you for your update. I hope your appointment on Monday went well! I am glad that you are taking the time to care for yourself and invest in things that will hopefully help you! That book sounds really interesting, even though her life and trauma were different, I think her point about choosing the positive is really important. I know so many people have said this before, but the timeline for healing is different for everyone. I know it is so easy to compare ourselves or judge our own progress, but you should not blame yourself for not being father along. You have come a long way, and that is great!
    It also sounds like you had a great conversation with Angela! I am so glad you feel better about it and she was understanding! I look forward to your next update.

  27. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi there,

    I hope your appointment on Monday went well! It sounds like you’re getting the care you need between that and your sessions with Angela. It’s great that you’re reading. Such a great way to ground yourself.

    KatherineL

  28. alexiswilliams

    Solongago,

    Good luck with your appointment, thanks for the update! Reading can be a great way to cope with many of the feelings that you described. Continue taking care of yourself and doing things that make you feel good.

    Best,
    Lex

  29. musicislove

    Hi Sue,

    I hope that your appointment with your doctor went well, and hopefully you’re able to get the right medication for you. I’m glad that your appointment with Angela went well, I know it’s nice to hear that you are liked, especially from someone that knows such intimate details about you. I’m sorry you had a couple bad nights at work, and flashbacks are never easy. I hope that you’re doing ok after those memories all came back up. Reading is always a great escape and that book sounds like a worth-while read. I just started a memoir called “Hunger” and it’s about a survivor’s journey through the traumas in her life. I know choosing the positives isn’t always easy, and it’s ok that you’re not further along. Where you are is where you are. You’re healing, that takes more time than anyone likes to think about, and that’s not a bad thing. I also hate the saying that adversity makes us stronger individuals. Yes, it takes incredible strength to go through trauma and come out on the other side of it, but what we would have turned out like without that trauma will always be a mystery. Thank you for continuing to trust us with your experiences and please come back any time.

    Delaney

  30. laurenp34 Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    Thanks for the update. I’m glad that your therapy sessions have been going well recently. I am really proud of you for continuing to fight and work towards healing. It takes incredible strength. I am also happy that you are reading stories from other survivors, even if their experiences might look different from yours. You’re right, her life circumstances probably made her able to have a more positive outlook on her situation, but it’s good that you are able to recognize that. I am proud of your desire to see the positive in your situation, even if it is really hard. You aren’t at fault for anything– healing is a hard, non-linear process and there is no place you need to or “should” be in except where you are in the present.
    Sending love,
    Lauren

  31. oscarl2 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    Thank you for giving us another update. I am glad to hear that things are going well at your therapy sessions and that you feel that your relationship with them is on good standing. I am also glad to hear that you are going to be receiving antidepressants as well. Everything has a way of working its way out for the better and I know the same will happen for you. Please feel free to reach out to us again with more updates when you feel comfortable.
    Best wishes,
    oscarl2

  32. Neesha Volunteer

    Solongago,
    I do hope antidepressants work out for you, keep an eye on your mood. Changes can be subtle, it might be helpful to track your thoughts and feelings on paper.
    I’m glad Angela likes you and it makes sense that feeling of relief doesn’t last long for you. In my experience outside validation was a short term ‘fix’ that doesn’t address the underlying problem. It sounds like Angela is trying to help you go inside and figure out how you are internally wired. That information is useful to interrupting undesirable patterns.
    I don’t blame you for not entertaining the idea that ‘adversity makes us stronger’. You needed to be safe, not strong.
    As always, I appreciate the update from you. Take care of yourself, there is not time limit on healing, and it looks different from everyone.

    Best,
    Neesha

  33. karinakalke Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for updating us again, and I hope that your doctor’s appointment went well! Also, I’m glad that you’re feeling better after having talked to Angela. I totally understand wanting to be on the right medication. Taking the time to compile your list seems like a good way to help with that! I’m looking forward to seeing your next update.

    Sending love,
    Karina

  34. SarahLove Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    It is great to hear that you are taking this next step to discuss antidepressants. I totally understand your concern to have the right medication, especially because you don’t want them to interfere with your current medications. Having the list prepared is an excellent way to make sure of that!
    Reading has always given you a peace of mind. Your right, everyone has a different journey, but it’s always nice to read something that resonates with you.

    Awesome that conversation with Angela made you feel a lot better. Sometimes it can be challenging bring up a topic to someone, but it seems like you and Angela had a great talk.

    Thank you for sharing your journey with us. I know it has a been very difficult for you, however, you have pushed and continue to persevere.

    Stay Strong,
    SarahLove.

  35. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Sue,
    Thank you for continuing to share your journey with us. I hope you can see how valuable your posts are to those of us in this community with you. You are honest and vulnerable and that makes a difference for those on their own journies.
    I hope that you find the right medication for you and that it is helpful. I know you and I share a lot of interest in psychology and brain development, so I think you would be interested to know that depression can be genetic in a way. There has been a lot of research in epigenetics lately and how trauma, health, and things like depression can be passed down through generations by things that do or do not happen as the brain develops (before and after birth).
    I agree with you, we are not lucky and strong because these awful things happened to us. Who knows what we could have been in safe and loving enviornments? That is what Brene Brown calls “silverlining” someone’s story. We don’t have to look for the positive or bright side in everything. We can just accept that it was awful, feel the feelings, and work on healing. I also agree that most of us are not lucky enough to have a parent who throws the jerk out (and in your case could not). Sometimes parents chose the jerk over their child.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  36. Jiggy Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    I haven’t thought of a person having a predisposition to depression, but it makes sense given that diabetes could be passed down so why not depression. That being said, I am glad you are striving to heal from all that you have been through. Angela appears to have a very positive impact on your life, it’s always nice to have someone to open up to. That book you are reading will definitely help you gain perspective on healing as you are viewing someone else’s story and coping mechanism. What you read may be something you never considered and might work out for you.
    Hope to hear from you soon

  37. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Sue,
    I hope you can find an antidepressant that works without interacting with your other medications. I’m glad you’re feeling better after talking to Angela. She seems to empathize with you while giving suggestions about how to cope with what you’re dealing with. I can only imagine how it feels to have these memories resurface, and it makes sense that you’re angry about all of it. I hope the holiday was peaceful for you.
    It’s awesome that you’re talking about the books you’re reading. You bring up important points, and you’re right. Her story is different from what a lot of survivors go through, especially in terms of the family’s response. It’s awful that people think this doesn’t damage children and that pedophilia is just another preference. Sexual abuse can damage every part of the survivor’s life, and I don’t believe that it makes people stronger in some way. The resulting trauma can be debilitating, and we shouldn’t have had to go through the abuse. The abuse does not make us strong. Through the healing process, we could advocate for ourselves in many ways (such as telling our stories, going to therapy to work on ourselves, etc.), which could help us feel stronger. That doesn’t mean the healing process feels amazing all the time. It can be rough, and that’s completely valid.
    Thank you for updating us. I hope you’re doing well this week, and please write back whenever you would like to share. We’re here for you, and you’re doing great.

  38. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Sue,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. It sounds like you had a good talk with Angela and I’m glad that you feel better about it. I hope things go well with your doctor and that you’re able to get something worked out with your medications. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  39. Lusine05 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,
    I am glad that talking with Angela made you feel better, and that now you know for a fact that she likes you. Your progress is huge and, we are all proud of you, and you should focus on that. Everyone is healing differently and in a different pace, and that is normal. You are doing great!
    Stay safe and strong,
    -L

  40. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    It’s great to hear you felt better after speaking with Angela- it sounds like it was a productive conversation. I’m sorry to hear you’ve been getting painful flashbacks and that you sometimes blame yourself for not being where you think you should be in your progress. For what it’s worth, I think all the work you’ve put in your therapy even when it’s so difficult shows an incredible perseverance which is beyond impressive. Even though it may not seem like at times, you truly have what to be proud of, and I have no doubt in your abilities to continue your healing in a way that works best for you.

    Wishing you an amazing week,
    -Rachel

  41. casitasbonitas Volunteer

    Hi Songago,
    Thank you for keeping us updated. I am sorry to hear about your bad nights at work. Hopefully the antidepressants work. Keep us updated and stay strong!

  42. heretohelp101 Volunteer

    Hey Songago,
    Thanks again for the update, I love that you continue to let us in on your journey.
    Im so happy that you are doing well,
    reading has also been something that I have picked up recently that has helped me a ton, pretty cool how we can relate to that!
    Have a great week!
    -Jan

  43. morganndelacruz Volunteer

    Hey Sue,
    It is so good on hearing back from you and thank you so much for sharing once more with us. I am so happy for you and all that you are doing with yourself. I am so happy that you found what you enjoy so much! keep it up and you know that we are always here!
    <3 Morgan

  44. coachdiggs Volunteer

    hello Songago,
    First I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. Another thing I wanted to say thank you for keeping us updated with your stories. I am happy that you are doing better. I am also glad you are able to talk to your therapist to help you get some things off of your mind. I wanted to say I am happy that you are doing well in life right now. Everything is good to talk awhile now life is going in the right direction. Keep us updated with your story. Lastly, I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story and for keep us updated.
    Kevin

  45. betterdays1 Volunteer

    Hey Sue,
    Thank you for updating us! It is always nice hearing from you. I’m glad you are working on a better you and I see that you talked to Angela about how you were feeling, that is always a good thing. I told you everything was going to be okay! How could she not like you when we are all rooting for you! Reading seems to bring you peace and it is sometimes nice to escape from reality through books. Keep working on you Sue, you are doing great.
    -v

  46. slozoya1120 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    It is good to see that you are talking to someone, and that that relationship is good, and that Angela really likes you. You should not be upset with yourself for not being further long as you feel you should be. These things take time, just keep moving forward, keep doing what you are doing. I think you are doing the right thing for yourself, be patient with yourself, you will get to where you want to be. I hope you have a great week. Keep taking care of yourself and stay safe out there.

    -Sam

  47. Pamela Z Volunteer

    Hello Solongago
    Thank you for updating us, it is much appreciated. I hope your antidepressants work well for you. I am glad to hear that you talked to Angela as well, it helps a lot. I am sorry that memories have surfaced up about Chuck. Remember how strong you are. The book is interesting by the way, it has a deep meaning about positivity no matter how hard it gets.

    Pamela

  48. Chris Volunteer

    Hey Sue,

    Thanks for another update! I am glad that you got to talk to Angela and that in doing so you feel a lot better. The book you are reading about repairing broken pottery and the idea of making something once broken beautifully whole sounds amazing. The story in the book also sounds interesting, you will have to share the name of it. Always enjoy hearing from you. Looking forward to the next update. Wishing you the best and sending all the positive vibes and hopes your way.

    Chris

  49. lmc83823 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,
    I’m so happy to hear from you again. I’m glad you were able to get an update about your anti-depressants and I hope it goes through and works for you. I am also happy to hear that talking with Angela has helped give you a different perspective and makes you feel better. I am sorry to hear though about your flashbacks. They can be very difficult and painful so just know we’re here to support you. We’re always happy to hear your updates and i hope to hear from you again soon.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Luna

  50. lmc83823 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,
    I’m so happy to hear from you again. I’m glad you were able to get an update about your anti-depressants and I hope it goes through and works for you. I am also happy to hear that talking with Angela has helped give you a different perspective and makes you feel better. I am sorry to hear though about your flashbacks. They can be very difficult and painful so just know we’re here to support you. We’re always happy to hear your updates and i hope to hear from you again soon.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Luna

  51. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. Glad to hear you will be talking to your doctor about anti-depressants and that talking with Angela helped! Keep coming back to share updates with us as that helps, too.

    Erin

  52. Mary Ella Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    It’s great to hear that you have a doctor’s appointment for antidepressants! I hope that the doctor will be able to help you find a medication that will work for you, and that the doctor can help you with all the concerns that you have. I’m also glad that you seem to be doing great at your therapy sessions with Angela. It’s wonderful when you have a therapist who knows how to help you, so keep up the great work! I am sorry to hear that you’ve been having flashbacks this week, though. It must be difficult having to recall memories when you are just trying to do your own thing. I hope the book you’re reading is helping you, even though the author’s experience is not representative of everyone else’s experience, as you mentioned. Sending you lots of support and love, and I hope that your doctor’s appointment goes well! Feel free to update us again next week!

  53. jenniferb Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,
    It is always nice to see another post from you so thank you for keeping us updated. I am so glad that you have a doctor’s appointment and hopefully, your doctor can find the right medication for you. Making a list of past medications seems like a very helpful thing to do. I am sorry to hear that you have been experiencing flashbacks. You should not blame yourself for not being further along. You are going at your own pace and it seems that you are doing much better. I am sending you lots of support and hopefully, all goes well with your appointment. Please keep us updated. Stay safe.

  54. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    I’m so glad you talk to Angela and she was honest with you and it made you feel better about everything. Good luck with the doctor tomorrow – I really hope they can find the right combo of medications for you so that you don’t have to worry about anything interfering with something else. I hope that the nights at work have gotten better. I find that nighttime is always when I start to recycle thoughts through my head. It can be the most difficult part of the day sometimes. I’m sorry that you’ve had to think about some of the painful memories again. It sounds like you’ve found an inspirational book, but it’s true, not everyone can have that “happy ending” like the author was able to. However, you shouldn’t blame yourself that you’re not responding the same way as the author – your situations is different and unique to you so you can’t make comparisons. You are strong and you have overcome a lot of adversity. For that you can be proud. You are really your own inspiration if you think about it. Hoping you’ll have a good week ahead.

  55. Amysue43 Volunteer

    Thanks for sharing this with us! It’s great to hear that you talked with Angela and opened up with her about it. Seems like you are really putting your best foot forward in the possibilities to come and I think that it something important to recognize.
    Stay strong <3

  56. sarahj Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    Glad to hear your last talk with Angela made you feel a bit better. Has it been helpful to ask why things matter when you start feeling that way? Makes sense.
    I am sorry to hear you had some rough nights at work. I hope today’s holiday has gone smoothly for you. I know it can be triggering and stressful.
    In regards to the book your reading, I feel your sentiments. Sometimes, it seems like no one wants to hear or read about trauma — like the really hard, painful, messed up parts..ESPECIALLY if there is no positive outcome with a bow on top. And you’re right, unfortunately, not all survivors have the same help or reactions from loved ones.. whether that be parents, siblings, or a trusted person. It’s frustrating. It’s real.
    Anyway, I hope you’ve successfully made it through today. Happy Easter to you. Take care of yourself, talk soon.
    Sarahj

  57. Karenv12 Volunteer

    Hello solongago,
    Thank you for updating us. I am glad that you have decided to do what you think is best for you and what will help you get better and heal from what you are going through. I think deciding to go to the doctor was a positive change in the right. Direction. Thank you for keeping us in the know of your healing process. I want you to know that we are always here for you.
    Sending you lots of love and positivity
    Karen

  58. t3nnis_player18 Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    Thank you for continually updating us on your journey and your life. I am glad that you are getting medicated if you and your therapist think it is a good idea. Some of my friends are on anti-depressants and I know it can be a little scary starting them but they all said when they found the right medication for them it really helped so I hope it can help ease a little of your suffering at least. I am also glad you talked to Angela about your thoughts and she reassured you that she likes you and is pushing you to try and understand your thoughts further. I am sorry that old traumatic memories keep popping back up in you head that has got to be difficult especially in a place like your work. Im sorry your parents didn’t protect you from these things like they should have, that was their job and they failed. I hope this new book and Angela can help you work through your thoughts and feelings! Stay strong and I hope you have a great week!

  59. 123Ahmet Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for updating us. It is amazing that you have found someone that can help you, that is a very important step in your progression. the healing process for everyone is different, looking at someone else’s healing process should not discourage you or hold you back, as long as you are at your own pace with it, it will be beneficial to you and your mental state. You are exuding confidence compared to your first post here, I can clearly see that you are at a better place in your life which is a remarkable thing. Remember that we are always here for you and we will always listen to you. Even though you have found help, if you are looking for additional resources the “Find Help” tab on the site has many valuable and important resources that could also help.

    -Ahmet

  60. KevionS. Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    Thank you for sharing your update with us we truly appreciate your continuous courage of keeping us informed with your journey of healing. You are doing so well with your journey of healing and I will like to say that I see it. Keep up the great work and remember that we are here for you .

    Best,
    KevionS.

  61. CSUN Volunteer A.M Volunteer

    Hello Sue,
    Thanks you for keeping us updated we love hearing from you .Im beyond happy for you that you finally find Angela someone who can help you.Past and the memories hurt you before try to don’t think about the memories try more to stay positive and most importantly think positive try to begin each day with a grateful heart and believe in yourself and stay strong like always .
    best
    A.M

  62. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    Thank you for coming back with an update. It’s hard to find a combination of medicine that works well since it’s different for each person. The best you can do is try them and see if they work well for you personally! Very smart to have a list of past ones. The book you are reading sounds very interesting. Everyone’s story is a bit different, but it’s nice that some bits resonated with you. Try not to blame yourself for your progress. Everyone heals at a different pace!

    Stay strong,
    T

  63. Marissa Day Captain

    Hello Sue!

    Thanks for posting again. I’m glad you addressed your feelings of attachment with Angela. Man, she really sounds great! I think you have found the person that can really help, and I’m so happy for you.

    Since you first started posting, I have definitely noticed a change. You are more confident in yourself. You are definitely more reflective on why you’re feeling the way you’re feeling. You’re making incredible progress!

    As for the antidepressants, I don’t think you will have a problem getting them prescribed, so no worries about that. Making up a list of things you’re on and things you’ve tried sounds like it could be very helpful for your doctor to determine what will work best for you.

    Feel free to keep us updated on how that visit goes. Be gentle with yourself. Starting out on antidepressants can sometimes be tough but please keep in mind that it might get worse before it gets better. That’s normal. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help you during your transition onto medication. We’re here for you!!

    Marissa

  64. zelda Day Captain

    Hi, Sue! Thank you for the update. I’m really happy to hear that you see a doctor this Monday for the antidepressants. I definitely don’t think you’ll have an issue. Something like Prozac is not the same as Percocet or Xanax. In my experience, doctors will write prescriptions for an antidepressant as long as the patient has symptoms of depression and/or anxiety. Like you said, the real problem will be finding an antidepressant that works well for you. There are so many out there, and they are normally slow-acting. It may take one or two months before you notice any signs of improvement in mood and well-being.

    I’ve never heard of a college professor (or anyone else who isn’t a pervert) who actually believes pedophilia isn’t damaging to children, or that sexual abuse is some type of beneficial experience. No one has to be college educated to know that sexual abuse and childhood sexual trauma are highly devastating and impactful on the brain, body, and spirit.

    I experienced one incident myself before starting first grade, and just that one incident caused a whole host of issues I never thought I would ever experience or battle. For some of my friends and family, their own experiences also caused a lot of personal health issues, too.

    I do believe that you can find strength through adversity, but you have to work your ass of for it.

    While I used to think that “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” I now believe that it can absolutely kill you. Sometimes, it’s right away. Other times, it can occur slowly. For me, my traumas were definitely killing me slowly. It wasn’t until I started to really work on myself that I began to live an actual life. So, in this sense, I believe I am extremely strong now. But I didn’t get there because I went through bad things; I got there in spite of those bad things.

    I think I’ve heard of that book before, but I haven’t read it. I’d like to. Describing trauma with an analogy of broken pottery sounds like a promising premise.

    Anyway, have a great Easter Sunday. We’ll talk to you soon.

  65. pfuentes Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,

    I’m glad to hear about your appointment for that medication you’ve been talking about. I really hope it works out and the doctor can give you something that’ll make you feel better. I’m also happy to hear your session with Angela went well and helped you feel better about yourself. I understand it can be difficult to have flashbacks and memories of the things that hurt you and can take you down an unpleasant trail of thoughts but always remember that we are here for you if you need anything! Try to stay positive and feel free to keep us updated on your appointment and how your sessions are going. Take care.

    Pfuentes