Hello again.  

There is not much to update.  We did EMDR again this week, but the first time in months.  I was a little angry because I came up with something, and started to talk about it, and Angela had me consider.  I know that she told me once that you don’t try to talk too much during EMDR because it isn’t productive.  

We are working on that feeling of being repulsive.  And I got into the buzzers, and letting my brain go where it wants, it went to Bob, who’s birthday is today, now that it is after midnight.  We went to my allowing him to do stuff to me, because I wanted the attention that he gave me.  I let him do everything to me because he made me feel included.  He never paid any attention to me for anything but what he wanted, for IT.  How pathetic is it to be so deprived of attention or so in need of attention that you will take even that? 

I have thought a lot about that little Amish girl, whose brothers attacked her.  What is sad is that if the prosecutor asked the victim and her family what she wanted for them to do to the perpetrators, I already know her answer.  I have thought about it now and again, and I do not want my brothers imprisoned for what they did.  Sometimes I fantasize that one would win the lotto and tell me that he knows how I have struggled and wants to make it easier for me, so he is going to give me a few hundred thousand so I could make some changes and not be so dependent on working/surviving.   That is the victim in me, waiting for someone outside of myself to come and solve all my problems.  It keeps me stuck.  It’s not so much the money, though that would make a huge difference.  But it seems like I have put my life on hold until I can hear those words that they know how what they did has impacted my life.  I know it will never happen, and if I want change to happen, I have to make the changes.  And it fills me with despair.

I don’t want my brothers to go to prison.  I don’t want their wives to leave them and their children to know what happened.  I don’t want my parents to disown them or to make them come and visit when I am not there.  I certainly do not want for them to go to Hell for what they did, though Angela did point out that that isn’t up to me.  At the end of the day, all I really want is words, is for someone to accept responsibility for what happened, and to acknowledge that it had an impact on my life.  

The rest of my life isn’t so bad.  I wish I didn’t have to ask my sister for help all the time, but my house will be paid off in three years, and without the house payment, I can afford to heat my house and buy insurance and pay what bills I have.  When I try to think of what my life would look like if it is how I want it to be, what I see is having more time to work with my dogs, less dependency on my sister and my job, and taking better care of my health.  More structure.  More order in my house, time to clean and care for my property, and maybe put in a garden.  

There is a tiny voice in me that says I would not be satisfied with my life if my brothers made it easy for me.  There is another part of me that feels that any success I have will make them feel less responsibility for what happened because I am not so f-d up after all.  Maybe I am sabotaging my life in order not to let them off the hook.  It’s pretty stupid.  What I am least satisfied with my life, the lack of an intimate relationship, marriage, children, is gone, and it is pathetic for me to blame them, to blame what happened. 

So that is where I am right now, what I am trying to figure out.  The taking responsibility for my own success and failures rather than waiting for them to fix it, or stewing about how they caused it.  And weighing what I want with what I am willing to do to get what I want, to somehow build my life so that I am content with how it is.  Frankly, it is overwhelming.  Some of the ways I have coped with everything has a life of its own now and has to be dealt with by me to get it all ok.  


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31 comments

  1. aegardiner Volunteer

    Hey Sue,

    You are not wrong to want an apology or to have your brothers acknowledge what happened and that it was wrong. Unfortunately in life, we don’t always get that from people and it really sucks because it can make us feel like we are stuck in quicksand not able to control what is going on around us when we are focused on that. You have made something out of your life based on the posts you share here so don’t think that the actions of what happened in the past have held you back. We can never know if action A would always result in action B – all we know is what has happened and what we choose to do with our future. It seems like you’ve had a lot of self discovery since you posted last. It’s okay to wrestle with all the thoughts and it can be overwhelming. I hope that you are having a good week and that the shingles are less of an issue for you these days.

  2. lizzi

    Hey Sue,
    It sounds like you’re in a tough place right now, and I encourage you to just keep pushing through. It sounds like there are some good things going on in your life as well, and in a few years your financial situation won’t be as much of an issue – that’s a huge relief I’m sure. I’m proud of you for still working through all of this, despite how hard it is. I truly believe it’s going to be worth it one day, and I hope that day comes soon for you.

  3. chompyapple1 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for continuing to update us about your story. It’s totally normal to want those who hurt you to acknowledge the negative impact they’ve had on you. Sometimes I feel the same way about people who’ve hurt me. However, you are working towards taking responsibility in the future, which is great. You should be proud for taking the time to better yourself. We’re always here for you so stay strong!

  4. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Sue,
    It’s good to hear from you. It sounds like you had a lot to think about with Angela. I understand how you want your brothers to own up to hurting you. I sometimes think about how I would want my abuser to message me to say I’m sorry or I sometimes hope that I run into him just to see if he would say I’m sorry.
    When you said that you think that you don’t want to be successful because you don’t want your brothers think they are less responsible, you should channel your frustration with them to help yourself be happy with everything that you have done for yourself. Like you have helped so many dogs and I’m sure other animals/pets. You are a hard worker and you have made so much progress since you first started writing on AVFTI. You are strong and deserve to be happy. Thank you for updating us.
    -Alyssa

  5. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Sue,
    I’m glad you’re working on that feeling of repulsiveness with Angela. I remember when you would mention this feeling in the past, and it sounds very overwhelming to cope with. I understand wanting an apology and acknowledgment from the perpetrators without wanting the worst for them. It also makes sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed with the steps needed to build your life the way you want it. I believe you’re doing a great job with building your life as you think about everything, and you’re getting closer to your goal of paying off your house, which is exciting! I’m glad you have an idea of what you’re going to do once you pay off your house and that you have an idea of what your ideal life would be. You have something to strive for, which is great.
    Thank you for this update. Please write back whenever you need anything. We’re here to support and listen to you. You’re making progress, and you can do this.

  6. jcastle38 Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,
    I am glad you saw Angela again, I hope the emdr is helpful for you. I can understand where you are coming from in which you say you do not want your brothers in jail nor in Hell but do want some kind of justice for what was done to your life.. I hope you know how proud I am of how hard you keep working at helping yourself, your dogs, your job, and maintaining your household. I hope that once your house is paid off you are able to have more time on your hands and able to work on the things you want to in your life and in your house. So far you are making great progress and you should be proud of all the success you have brought upon yourself. Stay positive, I am rooting for you!

  7. timms_andrew Volunteer

    Hey Solongago,
    Even though the conversations can be difficult, I am glad you are still talking to Angela! I understand how it is frustrating to look at your situation with Bob in hindsight, but I am glad you have gained awareness about your previous actions. I completely understand how you want to win the lotto and hear that the actions of people who hurt you were impactful and left a mark. You may not be able to get an apology, but I hope you can find it within yourself to accept what happened for your own sake. Holding on to traumatic experiences is very emotionally exhausting. I am glad you are almost done paying for your house, and I understand how difficult it can be to ask for help from your sister. I see you are at a position of accepting where you are in your life, and I’m glad you are taking steps to take your happiness into your own hands even though it is difficult. You got this, and we are here for you always!

    Best,
    Andrew Timms

  8. adrian Volunteer

    Hey, solongago-

    It’s been awhile since I’ve read your posts, but this is a productive one and it sounds like you are ruminating on a lot of interesting topics in your head. Justice is a really odd thing- what do we “owe” someone after we’ve wronged them… what do we think we are “owed” after we are wronged? Is it money? Time? Work? Just an apology? Justice is something I hear about a lot when I read stories of victims of all crimes and I wonder to myself if we know what it truly means as a society. For you, it seems you are weighing current justice vs. past justice- is it enough to know that they know they wronged you but not see that permeate through their current lives? Or, what is your definition of being a “victim” of a crime? It seems you are wrestling with that idea, too- are your actions still tied to theirs; theirs tied to yours?

    You are certainly wading through some high waters with these thoughts and I commend you on your bravery to do so. If I may offer, I feel that this conversation with myself (and a friend or two) was really what helped me move forward in my past trauma. How do I disconnect my actions from theirs- years after the event? Do they still have influence over me? What is it that I see as justice really? Is that definition influenced by societal expectations or even family/friend expectations?

    I wish you great strength as you continue through this journey, knowing full well you will come out the other side of the river still a little soaked, but feeling stronger than before. Keep fighting the good fight.

    Take care,
    Adrian

  9. ryannlashea Day Captain

    Hi, thank you so much for the update. Your feelings are completely valid and understandable. I am proud of you for the work you are doing. When you are starting to feel overwhelmed, try and remember how far you’ve come. You are so strong.

  10. Caitlin Volunteer

    Hey There,

    So happy to hear from you again. You are working so hard! I know EMDR isn’t your favorite but you keep at it and I hope you find that it is helping. It seems like you are plugging away at becoming more self sufficient and creating the world you want to be in. I know that doesn’t always look the way you want it but I see you doing such hard work! Looking toward your goals and actively working toward it! Thats awesome! You are doing it! Keep up all the hard work!

    -Caitlin

  11. pinksky92 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    I think it makes it quite difficult on us to think if x had happened in my life, this would have been the (better or worse) result. We can’t really say for sure what would and would not have a positive or negative impact on us. It is kind of hard and can be distressing to think this way for sure. It’s great that you do this type of reflecting though, because it helps you to know what you want out of life. It has also caused you to know what you want from your brothers. What really stood out to me was the line that all you want is words and for someone to accept responsibility for what happened and the impact that it had on your life. It seems like a really basic things, yet it would make all the difference for you. Just a simple acknowledgment of someone else’s wrongdoing. You have been doing so great with all this self-reflection. I think that you should try and do some more self-care, and to just spend time thinking about you and what will make you happy in the present moment.

    I wish you all the best! Hope to hear from you soon 🙂

  12. haesol Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    It’s nice to hear from you again. It sounds like the things you’re working with right now are indeed very overwhelming and complicated, so thank you for taking the time to share. It is valid and understandable that what you want most is to hear your brothers owning up to what they did and the effects it had on you; your deserve to have that. It takes a great amount of courage and compassion to truly mean that you don’t want them to go to jail or even want their family to know what they did, and I think it is admirable that you hold those feelings while also acknowledging your own personal feelings. I hope you get to introspect on all these things you’ve mentioned and cope with it healthily. You’re doing a great job. We’re here for you!
    Stay safe.

  13. brookeA Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    It’s great to hear from you again! I truly hope that someday your brothers will at the very least own up to what they did and give you the apology you need. I don’t think it’s pathetic to put some blame on them, as it seems like what they did affected you in a major way. I’m glad that the rest of your life isn’t so bad and that you have some goals of what you want your future to be like. It’s so admirable that you are trying to take responsbility for things. You have been doing so amazing! Don’t forget to take breaks and focus on things that you want to do. I look forward to hearing from you again!

  14. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Sue,

    I hope EMDR is going well! It seems like you are getting a lot of great insights. You have done a great job sticking with it and seem to be making great progress. Each update you always have a new insight and have great self awareness. I love what you said about taking charge of your own life. It is really cool to see! I know you said it is overwhelming but I know you are strong and courageous enough to handle it. I hope you have a great week ahead and we will be here for your next update!

  15. ajklessig Volunteer

    Hi solongago,
    Thanks for your update. It seems like you have thought about things in a very comprehensive manner and looked at the entire big picture of “life”. It takes a lot of empathy and compassion to think about the impact prison would have on your brothers, and how you do not want them or their families to suffer. Your thoughts are totally valid. I agree with you that a simple acknowledgment as to how their actions have impacted your life would be the least they could do.
    I also think that it is great you are looking at things positively. You could always dwell and think about what life would be like if certain life events did not happen, but it is not always realistic. You are doing a great job of thinking about how you can spend more time with your dogs, pay off the mortgage, building a garden, etc. Those are great goals to have for yourself. I think you should be really proud that you are focusing on what you want your life to look like for you to be content.

  16. musicislove

    Hi Sue,

    Thank you for the update, I know you’ve struggled with EMDR so I hope that you’re doing ok after your first session with it in so long. You deserve so much more than just apologies from your brothers and it’s absolutely okay to want that from them. I don’t think it’s pathetic at all to blame them for you not having some of the things you want in your life. You went through so much because of them and are still trying to heal from it, it’s okay to feel the way you do and want some kind of acknowledgement from them. It’s great that you are focusing on the what you want your life to look like, that’s really important when figuring out your next steps! Even though it can feel overwhelming, you’ve already come so far and more is always possible. I look forward to future updates, please come back any time. We’re always here.

    Delaney

  17. colton95 Volunteer

    Thank you for updating us on how you’re doing. It’s always nice to see your posts. I’m glad that you’re taking more responsibility now and I hope that somehow things will be okay between you and your brothers. Stay safe and positive!

  18. amilne9 Volunteer

    Dear Sue,

    I am so happy to hear from you again, thanks so much for the update. I am glad that you and Angela are working together with EMDR and that repulsive feeling, I really hope everything works out with that. There is nothing wrong with you having thoughts about your brothers acknowledging your feelings, and recognizing the impact they have had on you. Honestly, you deserve that, a huge apology, and so much more from each of them. And I am sorry that you haven’t gotten that. It is very selfless, strong, and mature of you to not want your brothers to go to jail and lose their families, and I know that must have been a hard decision to make. I am proud of you for not letting the feeling of anger overtake you, you are so courageous. I am so excited for your house to be paid off soon! That is going to be so great for you! I know you have goals, and I hope with all my heart that everything you want in life you will have some day. You are nothing close to stupid, and your thoughts about your brothers and your life are not stupid at all. You are not pathetic. You are beautiful, unique, and kind. I am proud of you and I am sending happiness, positivity, and peace your way. <3

    Much Love,
    Ari

  19. zelda Day Captain

    Hi, Sue, thanks for sharing another update with us. After everything you’ve been through in life, I see you as someone who’s accomplished a lot. You are independent, hard-working, self-sufficient and you almost have your house paid off. Plus, you’re diligent about going to therapy and putting in the work. You didn’t cause your traumas and your abuse, yet you show up every day to face it all head on. You’re very inspiring. I hope you know just how truly remarkable you are.

    I think there would be a lot of men out there who would like to get to know you. You have a lot to offer anyone, and you deserve someone who can offer you just as much, if not more.

    Don’t give up hope. I believe when the right time comes, you will meet a man who’s perfect for you. A man who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Maybe even a man with kids and grandkids. A family’s not out of the question.

    You still have time.

    And God always has a plan.

    Take care, Sue. I hope you can come back again soon to give us another update.

  20. karinakalke Volunteer

    Hi Solongago,

    Thank you for continuing to update us. It’s totally normal to want those who hurt you to acknowledge that they’ve impacted your life. I’m sorry you aren’t getting that admission. That being said, I’m proud of you for working toward taking responsibility for your life. That is definitely an overwhelming task, but it is an important one. I’m proud of you for seeing that. I look forward to your next update, and as you know, we’re always here for you!

    Sending love and support,
    Karina

  21. Neesha Volunteer

    I so understand desperately wanting some attention, even if it was abusive. Your despair makes sense, you were gravely hurt and you most certainly deserve a heartfelt amends. I am so sorry that you haven’t received the apology you deserved. The brain, a thing our logic comes from, is strangely illogical. It is okay to not want them off the hook to and to feel your success might make them less responsible for their heinous behavior. It is so amazing that you can look at that and see what you are doing.
    Keep working on taking responsibility for what is in your control. It is overwhelming and I believe you are doing the arduous work to be able to cope with it.

  22. Penrose Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing! How you are feeling is definitely not stupid or pathetic. And it definitely can be overwhelming to figure out what you need to live the life you want. You’ve got this and we’re here whenever you need the support.

  23. coachdiggs Volunteer

    Hello Solongago,
    First I wanted to thank you for sharing your story with us. I also wanted to say thank you for keep continuing to sharing your stories. I know your session with Angela must cause you some drama, but it will also help you dealing with stress. At least it also to help you to get rid of your problems and it also help you talk thing you need to let loose. It is a good thing that it you apology to her, so it can cause any more conflict. Lastly, I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story.

  24. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Sue,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. Even though your session with Angela must have been frustrating, it sounds like it was pretty productive and brought up some things that needed to be talked about. It’s completely understandable to just want an apology for what happened and to have them take responsibility for what they did. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  25. rachelb098 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    Thank you for for sharing and for your honesty. You absolutely deserve to have someone accept responsibility for what happened, and I’m so sorry you haven’t been getting that. You mentioned what you’d like to see happen for you in the future, and that takes a lot of insight. You seem to have a pretty clear vision which is amazing. I hear you that it can definitely be overwhelming to try to figure out how to build the kind of life you want, and the kind of life you deserve. I thinking making that list was a productive first step, so you should be proud of yourself for that! You can do this!

    -Rachel

  26. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming to update us. It sounds like things may be a little more positive for you this week, and I am glad to hear that. I think what you are feeling is valid, and I think that focusing on yourself can be incredibly empowering. You have so many strengths, and I think that sometimes it can be hard to recognize them. As an outsider perspective, you capacity to care, your ability to articulate your thoughts and feelings, and your maturity are incredible strengths. Again, I am glad you came back to update us. We are always here for you.

    Carmen

  27. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi Sue,
    I see a lot of positives going on. Don’t sell yourself short or allow yourself to slip backwards. I’m sure when you look at the big picture, it can be overwhelming. You have a lot going for you. In 3 yrs, you will have your house paid off. To me, that says a lot right there, not to mention a huge accomplishment! You are a sensitive, caring person. Take some deep breaths & break things down allowing yourself permission to deal with everything in small steps. I hope as you view your life, you will keep focusing on the positives. Keep moving onward. You can do this! I believe in you & know you will over come!
    Dawn

  28. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    Thank you for coming back to share with us. I understand just wanting an apology, and someone to take responsibility for harming you. Our society isn’t set up to facilitate that conversation. You’re welcome to vent here anytime, and keep it up with Angela if it’s helping.

    Erin

  29. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Sue,

    Thank you for coming back to share an update with us. You are not pathetic, and what you did wasn’t pathetic either. We all deserve to be loved. You deserve love and support. We are all here for you. It’s hard to feel like you alone have to make a change but remember you have Angela and you have us so you are never really alone. It’s all within your control. I know that you’re telling the truth about what happened. More structure is always good! Cleaning always helps me feel better when I’m feeling overwhelmed. Any success you have now is completely because of you and doesn’t make what they did less awful. You deserve to be happy and to grow!

    Stay strong,
    T

  30. Marissa Day Captain

    Hi Sue,

    Thanks for giving us an update! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. You’re so brave and way stronger than you think. I agree with what silverliningsunshine said. The fact that you care so much says a lot about your character! You have a lot going for you, and it sounds like you’ve got some pretty exciting future plans. Don’t sell yourself short. We believe in you!

    Marissa

  31. silverliningsunshine Volunteer

    Hi Solangago,
    I appreciate your bravery; I know it’s not easy to share these things. I am happy to hear that you are looking on the more positive sides of things such as paying your house off and getting more structure in your life. As long as you feel like you are in the right place- that’s truly all that matters. The fact that you care so much about says a lot about your character. It’ll take time for things to feel more manageable with the EDMR, but I hope everything is working out for you. Everyone here on the platform supports you, and we have a lot of resources if you’d like to look through in the “tools” part of the website. Please give us an update on how everything is going.

    –silverliningsunshine