Here We Go Again

Reliably on a two/three year cycle my ex/rapist/abuser has crawled out of the woodwork and engaged with me over a video I posted on social media calling out his wife for her stalking. In theory I know I should ignore them because engaging with them offers the gratification and validation they’re looking for. They’re both emotional vampires who feed on the drama. It’s a very predictable pattern after enduring it for so many years. In years past when I’ve ignored them instead of engaging with them the harassment gets worse. They will escalate from cyber stalking into physical stalking and resort to petty vandalism trying to get me to react. I’ve pretty much figured out what they want from me to curb the physical harassment, and while it doesn’t leave me in emotional turmoil anymore it does get very tiresome. Their retort this year is the same as it has been for several years now: that I’m “paranoid” for catching them in the act or calling them out for their piss poor behaviors. It’s all a smoke screen trying to deflect attention away from their own poor behaviors. Like… it’s obvious. Anyone with an ounce of rational thought can see right through them. I *know* exactly what’s going on. I know continuing to engage with them in anyway is entirely pointless, but I do for the sake of protecting my children and trying to keep my ex at a “safe” distance. I know he’s trying to make me regret telling my story. He’s found me here and he reads my posts. It feeds his addiction just like anything else to do with me he comes across, and yet I feel obligated to speak out LOUDER every time he tries to silence me. It’s been almost 12 years since the relationship ended and he’s still vehemently trying to silence me. He’s grasping at straws and trying every trick up his sleeve. With someone trying so desperately to keep me quiet, I feel like my story definitely needs to be heard. I can’t tell if it’s admirable to keep fighting for my voice despite the every growing opposition, or foolish. It hasn’t stopped me yet, but I do have to wonder. 


Join the Conversation

29 comments

  1. Knina7 Volunteer

    Outofashes813 ,
    I am proud of you for standing your ground and not letting him silence you! You are truly an inspiration, and by letting your voice be heard, you are surely inspiring others to find their voices too. I am sorry for everything that happened to you, and you are not foolish your voice deserves to be heard. Your voice is much appreciated, and we are always here to listen.

    Sending Love and Hope,
    Kelly

  2. Mary Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Emotional vampire sounds like the perfect description for this person. How incredibly toxic. I am so proud of you, and I truly admire you for not backing down or staying silent. I would imagine that it’s driving him crazy that he CAN’T silence you, because that’s all an abuser truly wants. Your story does need to be heard! He doesn’t deserve the luxury of your silence. You are so strong, and because of people like you, others are able to find their voices. Please keep coming back here. We support you.

  3. Megan Volunteer

    Hey Outofashes813,

    I am PROUD of your refusal to back down, refusal to let them get what they want, and refusal to let them steal your voice. You are so incredibly strong and it clearly shows in this post. You keep doing what you want and what makes you feel better. This is about YOU, not them. I admire your strength and your grit.

    You’re awesome. Don’t forget that!
    Megan

  4. Amysue43 Volunteer

    I praise you in your reluctance to be silent! You are so strong and vibrant in your words and i think your story will help and inspire others to raise theirs. I hope you do keep fighting for your voice because it’s YOURS and you can chose when you want to use it. I am sorry for you have gone through and the position you’ve been put in for the sake of your children/family. Feel free to text our 24/7 service by texting VOICE to 741741 in the case that you’d like a suggestion or someone to talk to.

    Stay strong!

  5. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am so sorry this happened. None of this is your fault. Stalking is a serious offense and you can let others and law enforcement know about the situation. He has crossed your space and the individual should respect your boundaries. What the individual is doing is wrong and knows we are here for you and understand your fear. Just know you can use law enforcement to combat the indivdual especially since he is crossing your boundary so much. I am so sorry all this is happening to you and we are here for you. Take care and let us know if you need anything else.

  6. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Outofashes813,
    I’m so sorry this happened. This is not your fault. If he is stalking you, you should tell someone, especially if it turns into physical stalking. I don’t want him to hurt you or your kids. I would consider telling the police. Him doing this is not okay and him reading your posts is a huge invasion of privacy. It doesn’t matter if this is a public cite, he is only reading your posts to hurt you and that’s not why this cite is here. I’m so sorry. I hope he stops soon.
    -Alyssa

  7. Jennifer Suhr Volunteer

    Hey there!
    I’m so sorry to hear that he won’t leave you alone. It’s good that you realize his antics and that by feeding into the drama is the lesser of two evils. It’s still not great, but you are so strong to keep speaking out against him and even stronger to keep this up for the past 12 years! Definitely not foolish at all. We’re all here for you and so glad that you’re sharing your stories with us. Don’t ever let them silence you.

    Stay strong,
    Jenn

  8. mkyuellig

    Thank you for coming to share your story. I think you are very strong and brave person, and it so admirable the way you are advocating for yourself. Do not let yourself be silenced when you have your story to tell. That can be very empowering. I’m really glad that you are have come to AVFTI, it is a great place to share your story, and I think you would be great at empowering others who share their stories as well. Let us know how we can continue to support you.

    Stay strong and be gentle with yourself,
    Keight

  9. colton95 Volunteer

    You fighting for your voice is definitely ADMIRABLE. You are absolutely NOT in the wrong here and you should keep fighting and getting others to hear your story. I hope that you and your children will be alright and that he will finally leave you alone.

  10. Julia Mandel Day Captain

    Thank you for reaching out. You have a great way of thinking that the more he tries to silence you the louder you get; that is definitely admirable! Don’t let anyone try and silence you, you have the right to tell your story. Keep on staying strong and let us know how we can support you more! 🙂

  11. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Outofashes813,

    Thanks for updating us. I’m sorry you’re still dealing with this. It’s ridiculous and, frankly, pathetic that he and his wife are still trying to get a rise out of you. You shouldn’t have to deal with that. You didn’t do anything wrong in this, and I definitely don’t think it’s foolish of you to fight for your voice. You KNOW what they’re doing to you. You’ve got the upper hand in this – don’t forget that. Keep doing what you’ve been doing to protect your family. I’m hoping they give up and leave you alone, but until then, just stay strong. Don’t let them get to you, no matter how hard it is. You’ve got them all figured out. You’ve got this!!

    Marissa

  12. Breanna Grunthal Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,

    I’m so sorry you’ve been stuck in this cycle. It is so exhausting having to attend to emotionally toxic people acting purposefully toxic. I saw your comment below and I’m glad you’ve spoken to the police. Even if they can’t do anything just yet, it is good for them to start keeping a record. I’ve learned that having concrete evidence of harassment can be very helpful. I hope you and your family stay safe. We are here for you.

    Stay strong,
    Breanna

  13. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Outofashes813,
    I am so sorry that you still have to deal with this even after 12 years. I imagine that it is exhausting and frustrating that you aren’t able to get support from law enforcement. We are here to listen anytime you need to vent. You are not alone.
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  14. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Outofashes813,
    I’m so sorry that this person keeps harassing you and that ignoring them makes the harassment worse. It’s understandable that you’re tired and frustrated. Dealing with someone like this would take a toll on anyone. You can share your story with whoever you like, and no one should prevent you from doing that. I’m proud of you for continually sharing and speaking out. Do what you feel comfortable with. You are so strong for protecting your children as well as fighting for your voice.
    I would recommend doing something to care for yourself. Considering this takes a toll, caring for yourself may help you feel better and/or give you an outlet to express your emotions.
    Thank you for the update. We’re all here for you, and we believe in you. If there’s anything else we can do to help you, please let us know. You can get through this.

  15. Outofashes813

    Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I’ve already tried the police. Since the majority of the stalking occurs online they don’t have enough evidence for a restraining order or anything like that. We’re at a stalemate all around. It should be quiet for the next few months now that we’ve gotten our semiannual spar out of the way. It really helps to have a supportive place to vent. <3

  16. Shannon Volunteer

    Hey Outofashes813,

    Thank you for continuing to share with us. I am so sorry you have to continue to deal with this situation. You don’t deserve any of this, and I hope you can find some peace from it. Just know you don’t have to go through this alone. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  17. Leximcclelland Volunteer

    Thanks you for sharing your story with us.
    I hope you are in a safe place.
    Your feelings are valid, it’s so tiresome and frustrating dealing with people who are so stuck in the past and stuck on making someone else’ life awful. I’m proud of you for speaking your truth, for not silencing yourself when you have every reason to stop talking. You deserve the peace of mind that telling your story hopefully brings. You are so strong. Don’t give up and keep yourself and your children safe and happy.
    We are always here for support and to listen when you need it.
    -Lexi 🖤

  18. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story. AVFTI is a safe space. We believe you and we are all here for you. I’m so sorry to hear that your rapist has come back to try and make contact with you. It’s really sad that some people get so obsessed with creating drama for someone else. You keep fighting, you are so strong. Do you ever feel unsafe? If so you might want to involve the police, let them know that these people have been stalking you for many years now. You are very strong to be fighting back and protecting your children.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  19. grothkat8 Volunteer

    You are so brave for sharing your story, and I definitely think it’s admirable to keep telling it despite the obstacles you’ve faced. I’m sorry you have to deal with people who are trying to stop you and harass you. Sometimes people live for drama, and we can’t do anything about that. If you do ever feel unsafe, please reach out for further help. We are always here to listen and support you no matter what.

    Katie

  20. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story! It is very difficult sometimes to share and you are really strong for doing so. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. What happened was not your fault and it is not okay that your abuser is still trying to contact you are silence you. I want you to know that what happened to you is YOUR story and it will always be your choice to share (or not share) with who ever you would like to! It is also your voice as your mentioned and your reaction to your abuser trying to silence you is very valid. It will always be your choice to continue fighting against this or not, but remember to put your health and wellbeing first. You and your healing are more important than your abusers actions. We are here for you and we will support you no matter what you decide!

    Stay strong,
    -Natalie

  21. Samantha Harris Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,
    I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. You don’t deserve any of this. You are very brave for continuing to tell your story despite of your opposition. Let us know if there’s anything we can do. We’re always here to listen to you and support you.

  22. Kayla Volunteer

    Outofashes813,

    It is definitely admirable to keep fighting. Don’t let them silence you, your voice is strong and you are resilient. We are listening and we believe you.

    Please continue to share and to keep us updated. I am so sorry that you’ve had to deal with this for so long. You are handling everything so delicately and with a patience that is admirable. They cannot win against your strength.

  23. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there Outofashes813,

    It sounds terrifying to have your ex/rapist/abuser and his wife act out, although my hunch is there may be some comfort in the predictable pattern. Either way, you asbolutely do not deserve this. You’re fighting so hard to heal and you do not need this continued cycle of behvaior. It’s brave of you to continuously fight to have your story heard. I can tell you’re incredibly strong and your effort to connect and share with peers is inspiring. Please try and stay safe the best you can. If you ever need immediate help, our friends at Crisis Text Line are always there. You can reach them by texting VOICE to 741-741.

    Keep fighting,
    SFM

  24. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m so sorry they are doing this. Would it be safe for you to block them online, or maybe not? Is there anyone else around you who could help? Thank you for coming back to share-please let us know what we can do to keep you safe.

    Erin

  25. zoeyb

    Hi Outofashes813,

    Thank you for continuing to share your story- we hear you. I am so in awe of your continued strength. Don’t give up on yourself, continue fighting for your voice. I’m sorry they keep invading your life so many years after, but it sounds like you found a cyclical balance between your life and keeping them at a distance when he brings things up again to harass you. Whatever you feel will keep you and your family safe will always be the right choice. We’d love to continue hearing how you are. We hear your story and we will always support you.

    – Zoey

  26. Jordan Volunteer

    Hi Outofashes813,

    Regardless of what people might say, NEVER give up on fighting for your voice to be heard. It is a difficult thing to come up with the courage of sharing your story, especially when posting it on the internet. But just know that everyone here at AVFTI believe you, support you, and we will always be here for you no matter what. Even if that is just venting about a difficult situation, such as the one you have been going through for quite some time now. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to try and move on with your life with these individuals lurking behind every corner. It seems that they both want to have some kind of control and power over you no matter what you do. With the constant stalking that they do over the internet and in person, is there perhaps any possibility of getting a restraining order against them? Or would that be rather difficult? Regardless, trust your gut instinct and do whatever it is you are able to do to help protect yourself, and your family.

    Thinking of you and sending love and hope your day <3
    – Jordan

  27. Graciegrace22

    Hello,

    I am sorry to hear that you feel like every year you are cycling with having to go through the harassing manner of your ex abuser and his significant other. This is not your fault and I hope you are able to gain some closer from what you have gone through.

  28. Ashley Day Captain

    Hello Outofashes813,

    Thank you for providing our community with an update. You mentioned that he has found your posts from this website and I commend you for continuing to reach out to us. Truthfully, I think that it’s admirable for you to continuously make your story known. Over the years, it sounds like you’ve been able to gain an understanding of the motives behind his behaviors. The fact that this cycle causes you to feel exhausted is understandable and I don’t believe that you’re being paranoid.
    I get the feeling that it was nerve-racking to submit this, but you are in a safe space and we have your back. Keep pushing through.

    Ashley

  29. Lizzi

    Hey Outofashes813,
    I’m so sorry for this cycle that you keep having to endure. It does sound like they get pleasure and enjoyment out of this drama they’re creating, and I hate that you have to deal with it. It sounds like you want to speak out and shut them down, but at the same time it’s exhausting for you and you know it just encourages them to keep it going. I hate that he’s found your posts on here, somewhere that should be safe for you to share your story and get support. Your story does need to be heard and nobody should ever silence you. I believe what you’re doing is admirable and what he’s trying to do is foolish. You are strong and brave. Never forget that.