As much as I love and miss my ex boyfriend, my rationally kicks in…

Who would want to take someone back who not only used suicide to get you to stay, but also threatened to kill you if you ever cheated? BUT at the same time, my emotions get in the way and tell me it wasn’t all bad, and that we had our share of good days where our trauma never mattered, you know? It’s conflicting…

Sure enough, I was toxic, too and have said things that were far from the truth to hide my pain, but damn…going on 6 months of being away from him, and it still hurts like it happened yesterday…


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35 comments

  1. zelda Volunteer

    Hi, Jamie M. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I was in a toxic relationship, too, and my mind would always tell me to move on and find someone else, but my heart felt differently. I think once we lose someone, our brains seem to latch on to all the happy, loving memories we shared with our past partner. And that’s why it’s so difficult to let go. The reality is this: If we were in stable, secure, and respectful relationships, we wouldn’t have these conflicting feelings to begin with. When he’s threatening to kill you if you cheat and promising you that he’ll kill himself if you leave, he’s manipulating your feelings and coercing you to stay. He may not be a bad person, but he’s not in a sound headspace to be in a romantic relationship. He needs to work on himself. And you need someone who’s going to love you like you deserve.

  2. JWorks Volunteer

    Jamie,
    Toxic relationships are often difficult to remove yourself from. Many times part of their toxicity is making you feel as if you need them. Simply posting here shows you have the willpower to move on because you are putting in the effort. Feeling pain after separation is understandable but you’re strong enough to move on.
    Thanks for posting your story,
    -Jay

  3. Turnschaosintoart Day Captain

    Jamie,
    I am sorry you are struggling with this. It hurts a lot when some one love and care about betrays us and it is even worst when we still fight with ourselves because part of us still want them in our lives. You will get past this.

    Kristin

  4. dzreid Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I can’t begin to imagine how conflicting this must be! I do understand how you would want to be with him but at the same time stay away. I believe that when we cared about someone (& still might), it makes it even harder to walk away. You had some good memories. Hold onto those! It’s only been 6 months since you left. I can understand why you would still have feelings. You didn’t deserve how you were treated, but you do deserve to continue on being happy. It takes strength & courage to walk away, but you have done so for 6 months. I believe that you can make it to many more. Take it day by day. Reward yourself for making it to another day. Wishing you the best.
    Dawn

  5. Amel Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    It’s completely normal to have these feelings, but remind yourself that you are worthy of having a healthy and happy relationship. Moving on may be hard at first but over time and with the necessary support, you will find yourself much happier and in a better place. Your strength does not go unnoticed, and I admire you for your courage and bravery in moments like these.

    Keep us updated and stay strong!
    Amel

  6. Ashley Day Captain

    Jamie Marie,

    It makes sense that it’s conflicting to be reminded of the good times while thinking about the unpleasant times. You deserve to be with someone who doesn’t use threats to manipulate your emotions or cause you to feel scared.

    Hang in there,

    Ashley

  7. april-federico Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie!

    I totally, 10000% get what you’re going through. It’s also completely natural to have these conflicting feelings, especially since it wasn’t so long ago that you guys broke up. You are a beautiful writer, though, I can tell you that! And I personally think writing can help you.

    I’m so sorry you were in this situation, to begin with. Rationality is a moral trap that we do fall into, at times. Sometimes, it’s our mind’s way of trying to process situations, especially traumatic situations, like these. But you will grow from this, and you will feel like yourself again. It hurts and stings now, but it will get better and you WILL find someone who will respect you and vice-versa.

    Sending all my love and positive energy to you!
    — April

  8. meg Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie!

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I think your honesty and vulnerability is powerful. I think a lot of people with be able to relate to what you are going through…I know I identify with what you are saying. I think that love is so complicated. It’s completely understandable that you are conflicted about the feelings you are experiencing. You made it to the other side of a toxic relationship, you are taking the steps to move forward. Trust in the work that you are putting in and know that your heart will heal. We are hear for you.
    -Meg

  9. Amysue43 Volunteer

    We appreciate your willingness to share your thoughts with us. Your feelings are very much real and can cause some emotional build up as you mentioned it has been 6 months. A toxic relationship can be hard to rationalize and keep yourself from, but I think it’s important to acknowledge the power that you possess. You have, obviously, made it thus far in a healthier lifestyle. You have been able to work on yourself and been given the time to work on other goals of yours. This is a very strong move!
    Stay strong <3

  10. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I hope you are doing well during social distancing and quarantine. I can only imagine how difficult that internal struggle must be for you. It can be so difficult, even when your rationality kicks in. But always remind yourself that you did what was and is best for you. You are so strong and I know you can get through this! Time can heal wounds, but sometimes we need more time than we think we might, and that is okay!

    You are so so strong! Keep pushing through! We are always here to have your back!

    -Natalie

  11. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m sorry to hear that you are struggling with such a difficult internal conflict. The mind and the heart are powerful drivers and it’s really hard when they want to push in different directions. In this scenario, I feel like your rationality is trying to keep you safe. The heart has a way of putting on rose-colored glasses when looking back at past relationships. We also have so much time now to romanticize past things while people are stuck at home. Everyone processes things at different paces. It took me almost a full year to fully get over my last ex! That process is normal and it makes sense that your heart still misses some things. I used to keep a list of rational reasons on my phone why things wouldn’t work, it really helped me stay away.

    Stay strong,

    Tyler

  12. Marissa Day Captain

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for coming back and sharing with us again. I think how you’re feeling is completely normal and valid. It’s okay to miss someone while still acknowledging how they’ve hurt you. Stay strong! You can do this. Let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. We’re always here!

    Marissa

  13. Stellablue Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    It can be hard after a relationship. You tend to look back on the good things and the bad things can fade out of view. Sometimes it’s good to remember why you left the situation. It’s ok to miss someone, but if the relationship was toxic, its good that you’re in a better place now. Focus on yourself and how much better you’re doing now that you are out of that situation. We always here when you need to talk!

  14. colton95 Volunteer

    Many times the good can outweigh the bad, but in this case it seems like a good idea that you guys are not together anymore. These times are tough for everyone but it seems like you really are going through a lot. I hope that things will get better for you and that you will stay strong and safe.

  15. Lex Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I am so sorry that you are hurting from your breakup, they take time to work through and move on from. Please remember that you are in charge of your emotions and that during this time its important to focus on you and your mental health! You are strong and can work through this!

    We are always here for you!
    -Lex

  16. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    I am sorry you are struggling right now. It is fairly normal to have those feelings you having. Remember you are in charge of your feeling. We are here for you friend and care for you!

  17. candyappleb Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m sorry that you’re struggling right now. It’s fairly normal to go through these emotional fluctuations as you begin to heal from a toxic relationship. Depending on the level of attachment it can take several years. It’s okay to be struggling with these emotions. Remember you are in charge of your healing and however you feel is valid. I would encourage you to speak to a counselor or therapist if you aren’t already. Many times just speaking to a professional can help with conflicting emotions like this. We’re always here to listen to you as well.

    All the best,
    Becca

  18. jcas120 Volunteer

    Hello Jamie Marie,

    It’s great to hear back from you. I’m sorry your hurting from your breakup, these things are really hard! It’s okay to feel like this, but it’s important to know that nothing is your fault. Breakups sure can cause a lot of confusion. I know you mentioned the relationship was conflicting and that’s also a hard emotion to deal with. I know you said this hurts, but I also noticed how mindful you’re being of the emotions. I think you are doing a great job of working through this. I know it might not feel like it, but you really are!

    I hope you stay well and I look forward to seeing the next update from you 🙂

  19. Solongago Volunteer

    Jamie Marie,

    First, I want to say that your thoughts and your emotions are just that. They are not right or wrong. They come and they go. And you do not have to act on them. You loved this guy and perhaps you still do. It is understandable to still have thoughts, second guesses, emotions, even regrets.

    This guy tried to control you by threatening suicide. I think you are right to remind yourself of these things when you are feeling vulnerable.

    I don’t want to just dismiss what you said about being toxic yourself, because only you know what actually happened. But I think that when we are around people who are toxic, we can protect ourselves by being less than perfect. That doesn’t mean that we should allow whatever this fellow does because we also said or did something we currently aren’t proud of. Sometimes living with people brings out the worst in us. Getting out of those situations is commendable because when we do let that happen we feel worse about ourselves which makes it that much harder to take the steps we need to help ourselves get out.

    I think you are awesome because you were able to see a really bad situation that you were in the middle of, and was able to get yourself out of it. You still have feelings for the guy. That means you are human. We don’t just shut that stuff off. It is going to take some time, and it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk it over with a professional.

    I think that you can overcome this, and get beyond this relationship. You have a lot of resilience and courage. I am sorry that it has been a rough road, but I also think that there are good things in store for you.

  20. mocha1821 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie,

    I’m sorry to hear you’re hurting. It’s normal to miss someone even in this situation. Your emotions are valid. Know that you’re strong and we’re here for you.

  21. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    It’s good to hear back form you. I know that break ups are hard, but remember how strong you are. You are allowed to miss him and think about the good times. Just remember that he is your ex for a reason. The things he said and did to you are not okay. For now just take care of yourself. Your mental health comes first. Thank you for updating us. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  22. Thomas Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m sorry you have been hurting. It is perfectly normal to miss someone, regardless of what happened. Your emotions are valid. The most important thing is to stay safe and take care of yourself. You deserve to be treated with compassion and respect. He should have never treated you the way he did. Stay strong, it gets better.

    Thomas

  23. KatherineL Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    As someone who has also been in emotionally abusive relationships, I know how confusing it can be to have experiences of both love and harm. When love and abuse are entangled like that, it can be really hard to manage all of those feelings. Especially when there’s heartbreak involved. You’re not alone in feeling divided in your feelings while you make sense of what you went through. We are here for you as you continue to process everything and try to move on. Stay strong!

    KatherineL

  24. musicislove

    Hi Jamie Marie,

    I’m sorry you’re still hurting so much from this. Losing someone you love is always hard, whether it was a toxic relationship or not. What’s important is that you keep doing what is best for you and that you are safe. We’re always here for you, sending strength and support your way.

    Delaney

  25. rkr18 Volunteer

    Hello Jaime Marie,

    Thanks for keeping us updated. Losing someone you love can be so difficult it’s normal to miss them no matter what they put you through. It is so important that you stay safe and take care of yourself. Know we are always here for you. Stay strong.
    -Marie

  26. lexlh27 Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I’m so sorry all of this is happening to you. Splitting with someone that you shared a bond with can be extremely difficult. It is hard but you have to do what is the safest for you. He should have never treated you that way, you deserve so much better. Please come back and talk if you need us, we are all here for you. Keep your head up and stay strong.

  27. kelly Day Captain

    Hey, Jamie Marie. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know how conflicting it can be to hold those two feelings toward one person. Not everyone is 100% all-bad. That is a big reason why people go back to their abusers. But it doesn’t make the bad stuff okay. He should have never threatened you like that. I know it sucks, but it will get better with time. Hang in there. We’re here for you.

  28. Bluebell13 Volunteer

    Dear Jamie Marie,
    Ending a relationship can be devastating, especially one that is trauma-bound. It is normal for it to hurt and to think that it was better than it really may have been. As others have said, the most important thing right now is that you are safe and taking care of yourself. Healing is hard. You’ve got this!!
    Sending you love and strength,
    Roxie

  29. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi Jamie,
    It can be difficult to cope when someone we love hurts us, especially if we’ve had good memories with that person. It’s okay to miss him. With that being said, it’s so important to keep ourselves safe and healthy. It’s important to remember that what he did wasn’t okay. You don’t deserve toxicity or threats – you deserve someone who uplifts and cherishes you. It can take time to process these feelings, and that’s okay. Your feelings are valid.
    Thank you for this update. Please let us know if you need anything, and we’re here for you. I encourage you to be kind to yourself!

  30. Breanna Volunteer

    Hey Jamie Marie,

    Thanks for coming to share. It is so difficult to balance the two, as they often have conflicting wants/needs and conflicting priorities. It is hard, I know. I’m sorry you’re trying to balance those and work through it. It’s okay to miss them sometimes – bad people can do good things and vice versa. It’s okay to miss those memories, as long as you still have some of that rationality to keep you in a healthy and safe space. I hope you’re kind to yourself as you work through the heart versus mind battle. Keep your chin up! We are here for you.

    Sending you love and support,
    Bre

  31. blashea Volunteer

    Hi, your feelings are valid. It is definitely understandable to feel conflicted. I think time is the best healer. There is no rush to figure things out. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to understand how you’re feeling. Thank you so much for continuing to trust us with your journey!

  32. Starling Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    Thank you for continuing to share your story with us. It can be hard to separate yourself from someone that means a lot to you, even if the relationship was toxic. It can be easy to think about the better times of the relationship, but try to stick to that rational side of thinking. It’s not easy to move on and heal from what happened, but it’ll get easier over time. If you ever need anything, let us know. We’re always here for you.

  33. tbird830 Volunteer

    Jamie,

    The healing process after leaving a toxic relationship can bring all sorts of emotions to the forefront. It can be hard to know that a relationship isn’t good for you while also reminiscing on the good aspects of the relationship. This is normal. We tend to try to think of the positives and see the good in people, especially when we are further out from the trauma. It is important to continue bringing yourself back to the rational part of your brain where you know that was not a healthy relationship to be in. That being said, it is not easy. Everyone heals at a different pace and your pace is exactly how it should be. It will get easier. It may not be tomorrow, but it will. In the meantime, we are here to support you every step of the way.

    Tori

  34. Rustin Volunteer

    Hi Jamie Marie,
    I can relate to this all too much. It helped me when I learned that the human brain is meant to remember the good things about people. We remember first impressions and the emotions and feelings that we had for individuals. It’s scary to realize that our brain will block out the bad about a person to protect us. This helped me to understand why I still had feelings for an individual that treated me horribly. Just because we feel that way though doesn’t mean that we are meant to be with that person or that the individual is good for us. It’s okay to appreciate the good times that you have with your ex-boyfriend, but always remember that it is best to stay away from toxic people in the long run.

  35. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    It’s very common to still care for those who we thought cared for us, even if they were abusive and harmful. That doesn’t make what they did okay. And I know that feeling all of this is confusing, and can be a lot. Thank you for coming back to share-we are here for you.

    Erin