I’m feeling better than I have in a while.
I’ve added consistent self care to my schedule, and that’s been helping a lot. I decided to be kinder to myself instead of getting frustrated about my feelings. I started validating my feelings again and figuring out what I can control. I thought about some of the coping mechanisms I learned in DBT, and I’ve been using them.
With regards to my internship, I was feeling very insecure during the first month of it. I kept wondering if I was contributing enough during meetings and if I was good enough. After a while, I got tired of thinking this way. I was tired of feeling like everything I said was wrong. There’s this DBT process in which one of the steps is asking yourself, “do the feelings fit the facts?” At first, that question didn’t make sense to me. Now the way I think of it is, “is there objective evidence that supports my interpretation of events?” I realized that there was no objective evidence to prove that I wasn’t good enough, and this helped me feel better. I also asked my manager for feedback, and he told me about my strengths and areas of improvement. It helped me see that I’m not doing everything wrong. I’m doing better than I give myself credit for, and I put too much pressure on myself. I’m working on unlearning this and finding my way out of negative thought cycles.
I’ve been keeping in touch with my friends. I feel like I’m becoming a better listener. My default action is to give advice when someone is going through something. I truly want to help, which is why I have this urge to give advice. However, I’m working on giving advice only when the person asks for it. Sometimes a person may not want advice or a solution; they might just want someone to listen. I’ve been listening, validating, and asking more questions so I can understand where the person is coming from. I ask if the person wants advice beforehand. I feel like this has improved my friendships, and I’m proud of myself for doing this.
I’m in love with one of my friends. He’s so kind, empathetic, and driven. I feel like we ‘get’ each other, and I can tell him anything. My feelings get stronger the more I talk to him. I want to get to know him slowly instead of rushing into anything. I’m cautious yet excited. I have this feeling that he likes me, but I don’t want to assume and possibly jeopardize the friendship. If he doesn’t feel the same way, it’ll hurt, but I’m happy with our friendship. I want the best for him, even if it’s not with me.
As for family, things are going well right now. I don’t tell my parents everything. When I’m not feeling great, I tell them just enough to address their concern while avoiding invalidation. I remind myself that I can’t control my parents’ reactions, and this helps me feel better. I remember that I can stop these unhealthy generational cycles with awareness and effort.
I haven’t seen my assailant in about four months, and it has helped immensely. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can breathe freely.
The uncertainty of what will happen in the future (due to the pandemic, etc.) is creating a fog around me. In the midst of that uncertainty, I am taking one step at a time and focusing on the wonderful parts of my life. It has taken a while to reach this point, and I’m glad I’ve reached here. Thank you all for being so supportive and kind; it means more than I can put into words.