groomed and manipulated

groomed and manipulated

370 19

Thank you all for taking the time to read this, I appreciate all of you and any feedback/advice you have for me would be hugely appreciated.The story I am about to tell you has been repressed, buried, and compartmentalized in the nether region of my life for Avery long time. Its still painful and embarrassing for me to tell, but I’m going to try my best.

I believe I was six years old when it all first started. My parents were out, and I was left at home with the babysitter, a girl who at them time I Imagine was 13. We’ll call her Rose. Rose had an unfortunate series of events transpire in her life that had derailed her entire living situation. Her dad was arrested, charged and deported, and the families assets were seized. So she had started babysitting to make some money to help her family. She looked like every other girl next door babysitter. Beautiful, relatable, sisterly. I liked her instantly. On this day, I was playing with blocks and star wars action figures while she did her homework. I picked up my “slave lea” toy, and for the first time ever experienced my first erection, which I was terrified of. I told my babysitter that “it was standing up by itself” because obviously, I was scared something was wrong. She came over to me, giggled a bit and asked me what”what gave me a boner?”. I was unsure how to respond. She asked me if I had them often, and I told her I didn’t. To which she responded “don’t worry, you will, but it can be our little secret; just promise to tell me whenever you have one”

The next time I saw her, she brought out my Star Wars toys, and said that we should play with them. She specifically kept pushing the lea action figure towards me, I was still embarrassed so issued away from it. She encouraged me not to be shy, and to “own it” so I played with the lea action figure and just like last time immediately became aroused. As I had promised, I informed her, she thanked me, promoted me to put the toys away so we could go outside. we went into the backyard and she asked if I ever became erect because of her. I was a child. Obviously, I hadn’t. I told her “I don’t think so” . At which point she began to kiss my ear and neck, she stopped, asked if I was erect and smiled when I told her that I was. “it just means that you care about somebody a lot, don’t worry, I feel the same about you”. I trusted her words, she seemed so sincere.

It tapered off for a while, and in the downtime I discovered that if I tied up the princess Leah action figure, I became extremely aroused. I told her this the next time I saw her as soon as my parents were out of the house. And she asked me to show her how I did it. I sloppily hog tied the action figure with a shoelace. Rose then suggested I fill the sink with water, and throw the tied up action into the sink. I did. She asked me if I was erect, I was. AT which time she complimented my willingness to try new things told me how much she cared for me, and made out with my neck and ear.I trusted her completely. She listened to me talk about school, she gave me advice that was astute. She seemed to me to really care. Asked me in depth questions about my day, and the little girls in my class that she referred to as (sluts,skanks,bitches,and whores) and then gave me advice on how to handle my first crush. And as much as I would like to discredit her, her advice wasnt bad. I did what she said and I usually was better off. 

when I was 9 or so there were a ton of stray cats around my parents house. Rose and I went outside to “play with them”. WE managed to wrangle ourselves a cat, she held him up for me to pet him exposing his belly to me, I leaned in to pet the cat, and he scratched me Depp on my arm with his hind legs. Rose’s entire demeanor changed, she looked at me with concern, that quickly turned into rage towards the cat. At which point Rose hurled the cat to the ground head first with frightening force and then proceeded to stomp on the stunned feline until its head had collapsed and its brain was all over the ground and its lifeless body.was still seizing in a kicking fit. she knelt down to my eye level and gave me a huge hug adamantly swearing that she would never let anybody or anything hurt me, because she knew I wouldn’t let anybody or anything hurt her. She then asked about my arm I showed her my bloodied and scratched arm, and she proceeded to lick the blood off of me with the tip of her tongue. I was raised catholic, so I felt guilty about killing something or seeing a killing in the manner I had, so I asked her what we were going to explain it. She told me we didn’t have to, we were justified in killing it because it hurt me, and it would have win if it had lived. SHE had made it a “we” thing.

the next time she came over she had her boyfriend come by after my parents left, she had me hide and watch while she and her boyfriend had sex. I was 9. I may not have fully grasped what was going on, but I became extremely jealous and furious with her. after he left I tried my best too passively ignore her, I failed. I told her to leave me alone, I couldn’t look at her. she didn’t. she pinned me down on my bed and straddled me. She  said it was ok to get jealous, because it goes along with the “really liking somebody. erection”. She apologized profusely for what had just transpired and swore to me it would never happen again. She then told me I could do whatever I wanted to her. I cuddled into her armpit and fell asleep.

next time she came over with an unmarked VHS AND asked if I wanted to watch an r rated movie. of course I did. She then put in what I believe was “faces of death” or a “Serbian film” held me under her arm, and gave me a gentle hand job while people were being gutted alive ion the tv. after the movie she kissed my forehead and She insisted that we went out  to the backyard we could hear the cats from inside and we wanted to see them.

One of the stray mamma cats had given birth to kittens a few weeks back and they were just opening their eyes and waddling around. they were adorable and gentle little calico cats and I wanted one. the whole time we were out back, Rose was very touchy and affectionate, she kept telling me how much she appreciated my company and hearing about my day, she asked me if I knew how much she cared for me. I told her I did. She swore shed never let anyone hurt, she made me promise the same. I promised her I would. almost immediately after I promised her, she provoked the new mamma cat to claw at her. she quickly pinned the cat down, and goaded me to “take care of it” JJUST LIKE she had. done for me. I stooped on the cat until it was an unrecognizable puddle or guts and fur. she gave me a huge hug, gently coaxed me to the ground sat on top of me, slowly grinding on me she began to kiss my neck and ear.she stopped to whisper that she wanted to show me how grateful she was that I had saved her.she took of her shirt and bra and  She pulled up her skirt, pulled down my zipper and inserted me into her. she then dipped her hands in the cat remains and smeared cat blood on her breast. while forcing me to stare her directly in the eyes while she rode me to completion. She told me after how badly she wanted that, and how much she cared. she then suggested that. we save the kittens the cruel fate of starving to death so we took turns killing the kittens. maybe 8 in total. she said she liked it the more brutal it was. And it didn’t count t as a bad deed because we could explain why we did it. she told me the same applied to any event in life. violence solved every problem when used appropriately. She encouraged me to always act first and violently. She said there’s no issue in doing so if I had a valid reason. 

After we had brutalized the kittens she took a series of polaroid photos of the dead animals and tucked them into her purse. She then had sex with me again. All the while telling me how attractive it was to see me act violently. How it drove her crazy and she couldn’t control herself. I enjoyed this encounter a lot. Which in later years has confused me so much I can barely verbalize it. I know I was way too young. But I wanted it, I just didn’t know it until she gave it to me, and then I was hooked. I feel horrible for even saying that I enjoyed any part of an  experience that is shattering for many. But that’s part off my confusion. I had just turned 10.

she brought some guy over with. her next time she came over, he made sexual advances on her that did not seem reciprocated and she kept looking at me seemingly in a panic. we were all in the living room watching spy kids.i couldn’t ignore her silent cries. I knew where my dads folding work knife was so I jumped up ran to his room and grabbed it brandishing it I ran out of his room. I yelled at the guy to get off her(more or less) called him a cruel name and stood as steady as I could (not very) WITH THE knife in my hand. he after some bitching took his leave. Aafter the door slammed, rose was ravenous. she performed fellatio on me for the first time. said she was rewarding me for my bravery(her body was always my reward, for which am grateful, because As a result i was never a pushy lover) and willingness to help. she performed sex acts on me the rest of the night. The details of which are irrelevant.

Keep in mind, while all this was going on, she was constantly feeding me her opinion about everything, and since was wrapped around her finger, I soaked it all up like a sponge. She could justify anything, something I learned quickly too do as well. She was the master manipulator, through sex, gaslighting and irrational violent outbursts she got her way 99% of the time. She referred to other women in derogatory ways and told me how they would use me for money, or for a baby, and then forced themselves on me for live, she told me about how high school girls would behave, and about how jealous she became when thinking about it.

She would force me to listen to her relive her sex encounters. It aroused me, but also made me furious. She would then  encourage me to hurt her,”you can hurt me as bad was you want, but if you hurt me too bad, all of this will stop because you’ll have to bury me outback with the cats” she often would masturbate while I hit her, bit her or choked her. She once made me hold an exact-o knife to her neck while she rode me.

the years after were much the same, I learned her view on things inside and out, I learned what behavior she rewarded and got very good at those actions. And I did everything she suggested without question. Before I went to high school, she told me that people wouldn’t understand our special connection so I shouldn’t tell anyone, she said she didn’t mind if I screwed around with the “little whores” up the hill, as long as I told her about it as soon as it happened, I did to her what I did to them and I never let myself become attached to them like I was to her.

I was a big freshman, I joined the football team.She would come to football games and watch me play, find me after the game and seduce me in a bathroom or the locker room. she offered to go to homecoming with me, and often listened to me talk for hours about high school politics and other nonsense. she constantly told me how smart and caring I was. she would “reward” me for behaviors she liked. I was infatuated with everything about her. She had stepped into the rolse of girlfriend, big sister, best friend, confidant, partner in crime, and the god standard that I compared everyone else to. She also instilled in me her wicked cunning, taste for Revenge and mad dog follow through. she taught me to see the whole picture, she would read me riddles an d blow me when I got the answer right. we were also still “playing with the cats” which had become so brutal by this time that I shudder to this day thinking about it.

at 15 I caught my girlfriend of the time cheating on me, and in a fit of rage being unable control myself I bashed his head with his skateboard, broke it and told him that if I ever saw him again I would murder him. He told his mother I threatened his life when asked about his bleeding head. I was arrested and charged with “terrorist threats” I plead it out. agreed to a month of juvenile hall, and release to rehab. (I had been boozing and dopin. pretty hard, something else rose had introduced me to) the first week in juvie, I got jumped by some Korean kid while sitting and writing in a notebook. My conditioned response kicked in immediately, I took his hits, and then proceeded to stab him repeatedly in the neck and shoulder and throat until the guards beat me down. he died later week. I had no prayer of a moth release now. I felt no remorse, no regret, it was the first time I had ever hurt a human like that. to be honest, I still don’t.

aft4r a year of losing my mind I was released, at which poloist I found out rose was knocked up and engaged, and moving out of state. I was so mad I didn’t knoiw how to act. she was answering and hanging up my calls, giving vague dismissive answers to my texts. I heard nothing from her until I received and invitation to her wedding, she once again made me watch. at the reception she got me plastered drunk, and then had sex with me for the last time in a public parks bathroom, insisting that I finish inside of her just like old times. she moved away not long after that, it was the time I ever saw her.

I didn’t realize how deeply she had conditioned me. when I was 18 I was invited to hang around b y an outlaw mc. before long I was full patched in member, and not long after that I was expected to perform disgusting acts of violence, which I did without question, and with a strong stomach. my brutality quickly gained me a reputation, as did my penchant for “bringing a bomb to a knife fight” my temper eventually got me removed the charter I was in, and banished to a nomad charter where myself and several of my closest friends acted as enforcers that roamed the expanse of the clubs territory. Violence was everywhere, I had no problem with it.

in 2016, 17 out of 20 men in my nomad  charter came to a violent end, including my best friend. I visited his dad the day he died, I had never heard a grow3n man cry like that. It cured me of my violence itch. And left a huge hole it felt like in my soul. it was then that I realized how deeply she had programmed me.

im still coming to terms with it. I still have memories blocked out. I don’t know what to feel

thank you for taking time to read this. sorry I rambled. its the second time I have ever verbalized this story and I struggle with it a lot.

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19 comments

  1. Shannon Volunteer

    Hey THECOUNT17,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story. you are very strong to relive everything by sharing with us. I am so sorry for what you have been through. What Rose did to you was not your fault and you did not deserve any of it. I really hope you come back to update us with how you are doing now, let us know if we can help. Be kind to yourself

    Shannon

  2. andyspringer Volunteer

    Hello there!

    To start, I would like to commend you for sharing your truth with us. It certainly cannot be easy rehashing that while putting it to written word, but your bravery is a testament to your character. I am so very sorry this happened to you. I hope you know that you did not deserve what Rose put you through and I am thankful that it is behind you. Healing looks different to everyone so it is completely okay to not know how to feel right now. As long as you’re somewhere on the road to healing, your journey goes on. Thank you again for sharing. We’re all on your side here!

    Always,
    Andy

  3. Jess Volunteer

    I am so sorry for all of the things “Rose” put you through at such a young age and then continued to inflict upon you. You didn’t deserve the way she treated you, at all. Your confusion about your feelings is completely normal. You cared about her and now you’ve realized that everything she did damaged you in ways you can’t even describe. A therapist or mental health professional may be able to help you navigate these tricky waters of feeling and the repressed memories you have, as well. They can help you find a path to healing. It will take some time, but if you keep fighting, you can do it. It’s amazing that you seem ready to begin the healing process and I hope you’re able to find someone to help you navigate through soon.

    Please don’t apologize for sharing your story. It took so much strength and bravery for you to share your story here, and we are so glad you trusted us. If you want to, continue to update us on your story. We are always here and we believe you.
    -Jess

  4. Amysue43 Volunteer

    You are very strong in the way you have made progress in coming to terms with this experience. What you experienced is terrible and you do not deserve that. Even though you are not confident in your feelings regarding such, we are here for you and we know that this is not your fault and this experience does not define you. She took advantage of you when you were so young. I’m very sorry that this has happened to you and I hope you find comfort in this organization as we believe you and we are here for you. If you would like, you can update us on your feelings and thoughts. We would love to be here to support you!

  5. candyappleb Volunteer

    thecount17,

    I’m so sorry these things happened to you. It took a lot of courage to share your story, and I applaud you for it. I would encourage you to find a local therapist or mental health professional when you’re ready. Mental health professionals can be very helpful navigating the fog of repression and directing you safely along the healing part of your journey. Until then, please feel free to continue sharing with us. No need to apologize for speaking your truth.

  6. Northlane1991 Volunteer

    Hey TheCount17

    I am truly sorry all the terrible things you have been through and none of that was your fault. What she did was all on her and you didnt deserve any of the things she did to you. She took advantage of you and that was wrong and unacceptable. Its understandble to have some blockage of those memories. I am glad the awareness kicked in and you realized her influencing you had a impact on you. Thank you for sharing your story it takes alot of courage and strengeth. please feel free to write back if you need more support.

  7. music2799 Day Captain

    Hi THECOUNT17,
    I’m truly sorry that your babysitter manipulated and conditioned you in this way. What she did wasn’t your fault, and you didn’t deserve it. It’s normal to trust in a caregiver at that age, and she took advantage of that trust, which is unacceptable. It’s understandable that you don’t know how to feel about what happened and that you still have blocked out memories.
    I’m glad that you’re realizing how her actions have influenced you. That awareness is a great first step in improving and becoming a better person. What she did has shaped you, but it doesn’t define you.
    Thank you for telling us your story – it takes courage and strength to share these experiences. You articulated your thoughts very well. If you need more support and/or resources from us, please feel free to write back. We’re here for you, and you are strong.

  8. Alyssa Day Captain

    Hi THECOUNT17,
    I am so sorry this happened to you. What you were put though is something that no one should have to go through. You are so strong and brave. Remember that you were able to get out of this situation and now you are on a great path to recovering. This is not your fault. You trusted your babysitter to take care of you and she took advantage of you. We are here if you need anything, you can also text VOICE to 741-741 for immediate help, or you can you the “find help” tab on the top right corner of this page. Thank you for trusting and sharing your story with AVFTI. Continue to stay strong.
    -Alyssa

  9. bjames1121 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m truly sorry that you had to endure so many years of pain and abuse. You been through a lot that no one deserves to encounter. Please know that none of this was your fault, you trusted in someone that was your caregiver and someone you care about. Being able to talk and share your story is the first step to healing. Know that there are resources here to assist you, if needed, through the Find Help tab along the top of the menu of our website. Remain strong and know that we are here to provide support and a listening ear.

  10. Deanna Volunteer

    Hello. Thank you for sharing your story. How are you doing now? I know that digging up old, boxed up memories can be physically and mentally taxing. I, too, have used compartmentalization as a coping technique. I think of it as putting everything into a box at the furthest corner of an attic. I think of talking about and thinking about old traumatic experiences as stirring up a dirty fish tank in order to clean it. Things get all cloudy and you can’t see anything but eventually it’ll settle down better than it was before.
    Do you have supportive people around you now? Have you ever spoken with a professional about what happened? Your local health department has a sliding scale but there are also places devoted to trauma like you survived, they generally offer free counseling. I could point you in the right direction if you would like.
    None of this was your fault and you are amazing for making it through that. I know it’s a huge weight to bear on a kid. I wish you the best.

    -Deanna

  11. mkyuellig

    Hello.

    Thank you so much for sharing your experience with us, I can imagine that it must be pretty difficult to relive. I am so sorry that these things happened to you, and I want you to know that none of it was your fault, and that you didn’t deserve it, no one does. It is so terrible that people prey on the young and vulnerable. You were trusting, and wanted to see the best in everyone, and he exploited that. A lot of survivors experience confusion about the details of their trauma, but I want you to know that nothing you did justifies this – it seems like this particularly manipulative person was gaslighting you and wanted you to feel as though you were at fault or that you deserved certain treatment, and that is not true at all.
    I think it’s amazing how well you have sorted out your thoughts and articulated them in your post. If you are open to the idea of seeing a therapist or counselor, I want to suggest that to you. I really think you could benefit from discussing this with a professional. There are also special kinds of therapy that treat C-PTSD and help reduce anxiety in relation to certain traumatic events, which I also think could benefit you. Most cities have therapists with sliding scales so you don’t have to pay an arm and a leg. Remember that your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health. Thank you for sharing, and please update us if you need further support.
    Keight

  12. CarmenR Volunteer

    Hi there,

    Thank you for trusting us with your story and sharing with us. I am so sorry for all that you have been through. What happened to you wasn’t your fault, and you did not deserve it. You were young and someone you trusted took advantage of you. You shouldn’t blame yourself, and it’s normal to have confusion about how your felt about the situation. You trusted her and cared about her, and the feelings you had were valid. How would you feel about talking to a therpaist? Talking with an outside party about your feelings and past could help you heal if that is something you’d be interested in. Please know that we are here for you and we support you. Stay strong, and know that you are always welcome here.

    Carmen

  13. Erin O'Callaghan Day Captain

    I’m so sorry for all the abuse and pain that you have been through. You didn’t deserve this, and this wasn’t your fault. Do you think talking to a therapist would help? It might be good to talk to one and work through everything you’ve been through-I know it’s helped a lot of other survivors. Let us know how else we can help you.

    Erin

  14. Ryan4121 Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing with us and I’m so sorry this happened to you. I urge you to please stay strong and potentially seek the advice of a therapist. I know, as a fellow guy, there’s a slight societal pressure on us to “be tough” and avoid talking about our feelings. But like anyone else, it’s beneficial to share our experiences with professionals. I strongly applaud you for coming here. That’s a wonderful, wonderful start and I wish you all the best. Please keep us informed and let us know if there is anything else we can do to help.

    Ryan

  15. Brianna W Volunteer Volunteer

    Thank you for sharing with us , I’m sorry to hear what you’re going but I want you to know you’re not alone and can reach out for help and support anytime you need it, stay strong and keep fighting
    We believe in you
    -Briannaa

  16. sfmbelle413 Day Captain

    Hey there THECOUNT17,

    First off, thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for fighting. You’re so incredibly brave by pushing through and finding the support you deserve. Your fight is an inspiration.

    It’s completely normal to still be coming to terms with what happened. It’s also normal to block out memories and to not know what to feel. Our brains are strange, beautiful things. They try to block out memories that hurt us – to help us heal. It’s okay to not remember everything.

    Having violence everywhere is terrifying. It’s amazing that you’re aware of it and recognize that the violence contributed to some of your thoughts and actions. Being able to recognize things is a huge step in the right direction. Sometimes just talking about what happened can be a huge help, but if there’s any other support we can provide for you, please let us know.

    Keep on fighting,
    SFM

  17. Natalie M Day Captain

    Hi there,

    Thank you for coming here to share your story with us. We know it can be very difficult to do so. I am so sorry that you had these experiences at such a young age. Your babysitter took advantage of your innocence as you did not know any better. It is understandable that you would trust her as your babysitter. How you are feeling now is valid. It is okay to struggle with what has happened to you in the past. Know that what she did to you does not define you. You have time to work through what happened and heal yourself. Have you thought about talking to someone about what happened, like a therapist? I know that can be scary, but your mental health is so important and sharing with someone who is trained to help you work though your trauma is sometimes a great place to start. That is totally your decision though. If you need help finding someone let us know, or check out the FIND HELP tab at the top of our website.

    Again, I am sorry that you have had to deal with all of this. You are very strong for making it though. Have hope for yourself. We are here for you if you need anything.

    Stay strong,
    Natalie

  18. eagle206 Volunteer

    Hi THECOUNT17,

    Thank you for taking the time to share your story with us. We believe you and we are here for you in any way that we can be. What rose did was wrong, none of what happened was your fault. She should not have taken advantage of you like that. She was manipulative in telling you all those things and saying that she liked it when you were violent. I think it is great that you are taking the time to reflect on everything that has happened. Remember, she may have had an influence on you back then, but you are strong, and your own person. I know that you can change things about yourself that you don’t like, it may just take time. If you can, try and realize when you are becoming angry and violent and pause for a moment. Taking even a few seconds to think about what is happening might help you defuse some of your anger. Please feel free to continue to update us on your story here. We are all here for you. Stay strong.

    Tyler

  19. zoeyb

    I am so sorry that she took away your childhood by taking advantage of you in such horrible ways. You’re right- children are just like sponges, they absorb so much of what they see and hear. What she ingrained in you was extremely wrong- you’re not to blame for the things she made you do and believe as a child. I’m glad you were able to vent; we are here for you and we believe you. Should you need any resources, don’t hesitate to ask!

    – Zoey