Thank you all for taking the time to read this, I appreciate all of you and any feedback/advice you have for me would be hugely appreciated.The story I am about to tell you has been repressed, buried, and compartmentalized in the nether region of my life for Avery long time. Its still painful and embarrassing for me to tell, but I’m going to try my best.
I believe I was six years old when it all first started. My parents were out, and I was left at home with the babysitter, a girl who at them time I Imagine was 13. We’ll call her Rose. Rose had an unfortunate series of events transpire in her life that had derailed her entire living situation. Her dad was arrested, charged and deported, and the families assets were seized. So she had started babysitting to make some money to help her family. She looked like every other girl next door babysitter. Beautiful, relatable, sisterly. I liked her instantly. On this day, I was playing with blocks and star wars action figures while she did her homework. I picked up my “slave lea” toy, and for the first time ever experienced my first erection, which I was terrified of. I told my babysitter that “it was standing up by itself” because obviously, I was scared something was wrong. She came over to me, giggled a bit and asked me what”what gave me a boner?”. I was unsure how to respond. She asked me if I had them often, and I told her I didn’t. To which she responded “don’t worry, you will, but it can be our little secret; just promise to tell me whenever you have one”
The next time I saw her, she brought out my Star Wars toys, and said that we should play with them. She specifically kept pushing the lea action figure towards me, I was still embarrassed so issued away from it. She encouraged me not to be shy, and to “own it” so I played with the lea action figure and just like last time immediately became aroused. As I had promised, I informed her, she thanked me, promoted me to put the toys away so we could go outside. we went into the backyard and she asked if I ever became erect because of her. I was a child. Obviously, I hadn’t. I told her “I don’t think so” . At which point she began to kiss my ear and neck, she stopped, asked if I was erect and smiled when I told her that I was. “it just means that you care about somebody a lot, don’t worry, I feel the same about you”. I trusted her words, she seemed so sincere.
It tapered off for a while, and in the downtime I discovered that if I tied up the princess Leah action figure, I became extremely aroused. I told her this the next time I saw her as soon as my parents were out of the house. And she asked me to show her how I did it. I sloppily hog tied the action figure with a shoelace. Rose then suggested I fill the sink with water, and throw the tied up action into the sink. I did. She asked me if I was erect, I was. AT which time she complimented my willingness to try new things told me how much she cared for me, and made out with my neck and ear.I trusted her completely. She listened to me talk about school, she gave me advice that was astute. She seemed to me to really care. Asked me in depth questions about my day, and the little girls in my class that she referred to as (sluts,skanks,bitches,and whores) and then gave me advice on how to handle my first crush. And as much as I would like to discredit her, her advice wasnt bad. I did what she said and I usually was better off.
when I was 9 or so there were a ton of stray cats around my parents house. Rose and I went outside to “play with them”. WE managed to wrangle ourselves a cat, she held him up for me to pet him exposing his belly to me, I leaned in to pet the cat, and he scratched me Depp on my arm with his hind legs. Rose’s entire demeanor changed, she looked at me with concern, that quickly turned into rage towards the cat. At which point Rose hurled the cat to the ground head first with frightening force and then proceeded to stomp on the stunned feline until its head had collapsed and its brain was all over the ground and its lifeless body.was still seizing in a kicking fit. she knelt down to my eye level and gave me a huge hug adamantly swearing that she would never let anybody or anything hurt me, because she knew I wouldn’t let anybody or anything hurt her. She then asked about my arm I showed her my bloodied and scratched arm, and she proceeded to lick the blood off of me with the tip of her tongue. I was raised catholic, so I felt guilty about killing something or seeing a killing in the manner I had, so I asked her what we were going to explain it. She told me we didn’t have to, we were justified in killing it because it hurt me, and it would have win if it had lived. SHE had made it a “we” thing.
the next time she came over she had her boyfriend come by after my parents left, she had me hide and watch while she and her boyfriend had sex. I was 9. I may not have fully grasped what was going on, but I became extremely jealous and furious with her. after he left I tried my best too passively ignore her, I failed. I told her to leave me alone, I couldn’t look at her. she didn’t. she pinned me down on my bed and straddled me. She said it was ok to get jealous, because it goes along with the “really liking somebody. erection”. She apologized profusely for what had just transpired and swore to me it would never happen again. She then told me I could do whatever I wanted to her. I cuddled into her armpit and fell asleep.
next time she came over with an unmarked VHS AND asked if I wanted to watch an r rated movie. of course I did. She then put in what I believe was “faces of death” or a “Serbian film” held me under her arm, and gave me a gentle hand job while people were being gutted alive ion the tv. after the movie she kissed my forehead and She insisted that we went out to the backyard we could hear the cats from inside and we wanted to see them.
One of the stray mamma cats had given birth to kittens a few weeks back and they were just opening their eyes and waddling around. they were adorable and gentle little calico cats and I wanted one. the whole time we were out back, Rose was very touchy and affectionate, she kept telling me how much she appreciated my company and hearing about my day, she asked me if I knew how much she cared for me. I told her I did. She swore shed never let anyone hurt, she made me promise the same. I promised her I would. almost immediately after I promised her, she provoked the new mamma cat to claw at her. she quickly pinned the cat down, and goaded me to “take care of it” JJUST LIKE she had. done for me. I stooped on the cat until it was an unrecognizable puddle or guts and fur. she gave me a huge hug, gently coaxed me to the ground sat on top of me, slowly grinding on me she began to kiss my neck and ear.she stopped to whisper that she wanted to show me how grateful she was that I had saved her.she took of her shirt and bra and She pulled up her skirt, pulled down my zipper and inserted me into her. she then dipped her hands in the cat remains and smeared cat blood on her breast. while forcing me to stare her directly in the eyes while she rode me to completion. She told me after how badly she wanted that, and how much she cared. she then suggested that. we save the kittens the cruel fate of starving to death so we took turns killing the kittens. maybe 8 in total. she said she liked it the more brutal it was. And it didn’t count t as a bad deed because we could explain why we did it. she told me the same applied to any event in life. violence solved every problem when used appropriately. She encouraged me to always act first and violently. She said there’s no issue in doing so if I had a valid reason.
After we had brutalized the kittens she took a series of polaroid photos of the dead animals and tucked them into her purse. She then had sex with me again. All the while telling me how attractive it was to see me act violently. How it drove her crazy and she couldn’t control herself. I enjoyed this encounter a lot. Which in later years has confused me so much I can barely verbalize it. I know I was way too young. But I wanted it, I just didn’t know it until she gave it to me, and then I was hooked. I feel horrible for even saying that I enjoyed any part of an experience that is shattering for many. But that’s part off my confusion. I had just turned 10.
she brought some guy over with. her next time she came over, he made sexual advances on her that did not seem reciprocated and she kept looking at me seemingly in a panic. we were all in the living room watching spy kids.i couldn’t ignore her silent cries. I knew where my dads folding work knife was so I jumped up ran to his room and grabbed it brandishing it I ran out of his room. I yelled at the guy to get off her(more or less) called him a cruel name and stood as steady as I could (not very) WITH THE knife in my hand. he after some bitching took his leave. Aafter the door slammed, rose was ravenous. she performed fellatio on me for the first time. said she was rewarding me for my bravery(her body was always my reward, for which am grateful, because As a result i was never a pushy lover) and willingness to help. she performed sex acts on me the rest of the night. The details of which are irrelevant.
Keep in mind, while all this was going on, she was constantly feeding me her opinion about everything, and since was wrapped around her finger, I soaked it all up like a sponge. She could justify anything, something I learned quickly too do as well. She was the master manipulator, through sex, gaslighting and irrational violent outbursts she got her way 99% of the time. She referred to other women in derogatory ways and told me how they would use me for money, or for a baby, and then forced themselves on me for live, she told me about how high school girls would behave, and about how jealous she became when thinking about it.
She would force me to listen to her relive her sex encounters. It aroused me, but also made me furious. She would then encourage me to hurt her,”you can hurt me as bad was you want, but if you hurt me too bad, all of this will stop because you’ll have to bury me outback with the cats” she often would masturbate while I hit her, bit her or choked her. She once made me hold an exact-o knife to her neck while she rode me.
the years after were much the same, I learned her view on things inside and out, I learned what behavior she rewarded and got very good at those actions. And I did everything she suggested without question. Before I went to high school, she told me that people wouldn’t understand our special connection so I shouldn’t tell anyone, she said she didn’t mind if I screwed around with the “little whores” up the hill, as long as I told her about it as soon as it happened, I did to her what I did to them and I never let myself become attached to them like I was to her.
I was a big freshman, I joined the football team.She would come to football games and watch me play, find me after the game and seduce me in a bathroom or the locker room. she offered to go to homecoming with me, and often listened to me talk for hours about high school politics and other nonsense. she constantly told me how smart and caring I was. she would “reward” me for behaviors she liked. I was infatuated with everything about her. She had stepped into the rolse of girlfriend, big sister, best friend, confidant, partner in crime, and the god standard that I compared everyone else to. She also instilled in me her wicked cunning, taste for Revenge and mad dog follow through. she taught me to see the whole picture, she would read me riddles an d blow me when I got the answer right. we were also still “playing with the cats” which had become so brutal by this time that I shudder to this day thinking about it.
at 15 I caught my girlfriend of the time cheating on me, and in a fit of rage being unable control myself I bashed his head with his skateboard, broke it and told him that if I ever saw him again I would murder him. He told his mother I threatened his life when asked about his bleeding head. I was arrested and charged with “terrorist threats” I plead it out. agreed to a month of juvenile hall, and release to rehab. (I had been boozing and dopin. pretty hard, something else rose had introduced me to) the first week in juvie, I got jumped by some Korean kid while sitting and writing in a notebook. My conditioned response kicked in immediately, I took his hits, and then proceeded to stab him repeatedly in the neck and shoulder and throat until the guards beat me down. he died later week. I had no prayer of a moth release now. I felt no remorse, no regret, it was the first time I had ever hurt a human like that. to be honest, I still don’t.
aft4r a year of losing my mind I was released, at which poloist I found out rose was knocked up and engaged, and moving out of state. I was so mad I didn’t knoiw how to act. she was answering and hanging up my calls, giving vague dismissive answers to my texts. I heard nothing from her until I received and invitation to her wedding, she once again made me watch. at the reception she got me plastered drunk, and then had sex with me for the last time in a public parks bathroom, insisting that I finish inside of her just like old times. she moved away not long after that, it was the time I ever saw her.
I didn’t realize how deeply she had conditioned me. when I was 18 I was invited to hang around b y an outlaw mc. before long I was full patched in member, and not long after that I was expected to perform disgusting acts of violence, which I did without question, and with a strong stomach. my brutality quickly gained me a reputation, as did my penchant for “bringing a bomb to a knife fight” my temper eventually got me removed the charter I was in, and banished to a nomad charter where myself and several of my closest friends acted as enforcers that roamed the expanse of the clubs territory. Violence was everywhere, I had no problem with it.
in 2016, 17 out of 20 men in my nomad charter came to a violent end, including my best friend. I visited his dad the day he died, I had never heard a grow3n man cry like that. It cured me of my violence itch. And left a huge hole it felt like in my soul. it was then that I realized how deeply she had programmed me.
im still coming to terms with it. I still have memories blocked out. I don’t know what to feel
thank you for taking time to read this. sorry I rambled. its the second time I have ever verbalized this story and I struggle with it a lot.